Ultimate Voicelessness

[Mati]

I wonder whether anyone else has had this happen in childhood. I wished that I was dumb. More than wish, I longed for it. I thought that it would solve my problems, which were, every time I went to my mother due to being emotionally upset, or had a problem, I received rejection back. She devalued what I said, and was not interested, giving the message that I was just a nuisance. But I could not stop myself from continuing to go to her, being a child. So I decided that the only thing that would stop me expressing my needs was to be dumb. I know some children do stop speaking. I think maybe I was not feeling secure enough to do that. I hated anyone looking at me because I felt ugly and that would have attracted attention too much. I don't know. It seems to me to be a pretty bad thing for a child to wish. A form of self abuse maybe. Comments?

Mati

[Chicken]

Sorry about your experience Mati, I too experienced similar stuff.   My Mother didn't know how to handle it when I needed her.  I remember once, I was so unhappy that I cried all afternoon, I felt so unhappy, she came into my bedroom, I thought she was going to comfort me, but she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and walked out. 

As for your wishes to be dumb, when you were a kid?  Well, when you are in such a situation, it is only human nature to find ways of coping.  We do this on a subconscious level to extents we may never come to know.  It sounds like you were just trying to work things out consciously...  saying to yourself, well if I were dumb, then it would solve my problems...  sad

[Healing&Hopeful]

Mati & Selkie

It pains me to the core to hear what your families did to you.  I am so sorry.

Mati... as Selkie said, you were looking for a way of coping.  Depending on our circumstances, we develope different coping mechanisms, this is not a form of self abuse.  I see it that this was a confused little child trying to make sense of why their mother didn't meet their needs, and worse than that, blamed the child.  You were not a nuisance, you were a child and you deserved the love, nurturing and respect that a child deserved.  Your feelings do matter and I'm so glad that you did NOT stop speaking... you keep speaking Mati, speak loud and speak proud!.

Hugs
H&H xx

[Portia]

I know some children do stop speaking. I think maybe I was not feeling secure enough to do that.

Hiya Mati. I think the kids who stop speaking aren’t secure, they’re numbing out, making themselves even less of a person (if I don’t speak, if I make myself invisible, maybe I’ll survive).

Someone somewhere must have given you the crucial attention you needed to build and retain your sense of self, an identity. Who was that person or those people? For me it was my grandfather. He was probably the only person who gave attention to me, instead of using my existence to meet his own needs. Pretty cool.

How are you today Mati?

[Mati]

Thanks folks for your kind replies. Portia yes you are right and it was a grand-mother who gave me a little attention and a role model but it came with a sting in the tail as when I visited her to stay for the weekend, one of her sons sexually abused me. But yes, even though it was limited, there was something from her and I loved her but she died when I got to 13, but if it had not been for her then I would have been much worse you are right. Thanks for that. I wonder how often children do stop speaking, physically though?

Mati
xxx

[CeeMee]

Interesting question Mati.  As and adult, I have often thought, if  I had to lose an ability, it would hands down be the ability to speak, as I've misused that so often opening my trap when I ought not.   But did you know that the reknowned auther Maya Angelou stopped speaking as a child for years.  She writes about it in her autobiographical books.  The event that precipitated this was her rape and the rapists beating death after she told her family about it.   Maya felt that it was her voice that led to this man's death and she silenced herself  for many years.    I'm a great admirer of Maya Angelou and am glad she started talking again.  Her voice is therapeutic, her words are healing.

CeeMee

PS   Portia it is good to see you back again.

[Portia]

(((Mati))) I’m sorry. It’s good to see you here again.

Thanks CeeMee. Did you know you’re helping me with my voice? Like you, I think I *ought* to use it more frugally. Then I think, why???? Who says??? What little voice in my head (not my voice) keeps piping up “You’re such a stirrer P, you’re always causing trouble!” Yeah sure, I’m the cause of everyone’s troubles.  :xBleurrrgh!  :PWhat BS. Haha.