HELP!

[bubeleh]

Dear Posters,
I just found out from my sibling that his/her spouse is having an affair(in the interest of anonymity, I don't wish to disclose too many details). Spouse lied right up to the very moment that Sibling produced concrete, irrefutable evidence. I firmly believe that Spouse is continuing to lie to Sibling("it wasn't a sexual relationship," blah-blah-blah--when the hard evidence points to the fact that it was every bit sexual and romantic), although, IMO, Sibling is in denial and does not want to acknowledge the ugly truth of the matter((s)he is also in shock, I believe).

My question to the many wise folks on this board is this: what do I do? Of what way can I be of help to Sibling? (S)he is turning to me for comfort and counsel, and I don't want to steer him/her wrong. Next to Spouse, I am the only family that Sibling has, so I want to do the right thing. Here's the second part of the question: what do I do re: Spouse? The reason I ask is that Sibling has pulled away from Spouse, in need of time to think and process the shock of the blow, but Spouse is not allowing this to occur---to the point that Spouse showed up at my house the other day, banging on the door while Sibling was there visiting with me. Not only that, but I came home to find on my caller ID that Spouse called a number of times while I was out.

I have informed Sibling that I have absolutely no intention of "running interference" or doing damage control on behalf of Spouse. I told Sibling that I will support his/her decision re: reconciliation or divorce, but that I will not be manipulated into doing Spouse's bidding. I found the incident from the other day(at my home) to be inappropriate, and if Spouse is that brazen then it will only be a matter of time before this is going to come to a head, because Spouse will not stop there. I think that Spouse is out-of-control. What should I do? I think that Spouse is going to escalate this to a confrontation---should I answer the phone and just declare that I will not discuss this matter with him/her? Should I just let the voice mail pick up? or...should I get on the phone and tear this person a new orifice?(which is what I secretly wish to do). My sibling is going through hell right now, and just to make it more vivid---(s)he lost the support of the rest of our family when (s)he married Spouse. I'm the only one who has stuck by him/her, so now with this revelation, (s)he feels very much alone in this world.

I truly value the wisdom and insight of the folks who post here, so any suggestions you might have would mean a great deal to me. I apologize for the cumbersome read---I don't have a problem with the usage of gender-inclusive language, but I'm sure that all of these (s)hes and him/hers get a little tiresome. I just had to keep this as anonymous as possible in order to protect myself and my sibling. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. : )

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hello Bub

I find it difficult when you don't know the people involved so I am going to reply as if this was my sibling and IMO I would just be there to listen.  Give the sibling the opportunity to stay with me while they need to clear their head and listen, so they can make up their own mind what they would like to do.  If they asked what I would do if I were them, then I would reply saying what I would really do and why.  Regarding the spouse, I would not respond at all.  I appreciate why you feel you want to tear the spouse apart, but I don't feel this would help your sibling if you are there arguing with the spouse, so possibly let your voicemail deal with the spouses calls.  I would also, when the sibling feels strong enough, encourage them to get in touch with old friends/family who can support them as well.


Take care


H&H xx

[Sela]

Hi bubleh:

I second what H&H said plus maybe......suggest your sib see a counsellor....to help sort through feelings, choices, etc, for additional support ??

This spouse sounds a bit dangerous maybe? (all the phoning and banging on your door like that.....and you say..."out of control").  That's scary?  Are you worried for the safety of your sib?  If so, maybe sib would be safer at a woman's shelter?   Has there been violence toward sib by spouse, in the past?  What is your gut telling you re the possibility of this?

I love what you said: 

.......I told Sibling that I will support his/her decision re: reconciliation or divorce...

Even though you'd personally like to throttle spouse, you kept your own feelings OUT of your sib's situation and have given the message that you trust sib's judgment and respect sib's right to choose.  Bravo!  What a wonderful sib you are!!  Your sib is lucky to have you standing by him/her!

Sela

[mum]

hi, Bub. Wow, this is hard.  I went through pretty much exactly what your sib is experiencing. The spouse is freaking out because when your sib is out of his/her presence, they are concerned that your sib might actually get time to think, without the spouse's influence.  My ex badgered me in much the same way.....making sure I didn't have a moment's peace to actually form my own opinion. My sisters were (although long distance) instrumental in helping me find my voice again....something they saw I clearly lost in that relationship. But they just listened....let me be angry, upset, sad.  And the one thing they kept asking was:
"What do you want?" 

[Brigid]

Hi Bub,
I wish I had had a sib to go to when I found out about my ex's affair, but the biggest blessing was my therapist.  He saw both of us for a short while to try to save the marriage, but when my xh decided to leave anyway, he continued to counsel me weekly for 2 years (still does on a monthly basis, but probably not for much longer).

I think you are doing the right thing by just being a listening, supportive ear and letting him/her make the ultimate decision.  I would agree with Sela, that this sounds like it could turn into, or perhaps is already an abusive situation, so a shelter may be necessary.  You did not mention if there are children involved--but if so, that certainly adds another dimension to the situation. 

My advice to you would be not to get involved with the spouse any more than necessary.  I'm sure you would like to rip them apart, but if your sib chooses to go back to the marriage, you will need to be able to continue a relationship with that spouse--so let your sib handle the ripping apart.

Infidelity is a pain which no one can understand or appreciate unless they have been through it.  The rest of the family may think that this is the best thing that could have happened, but your sib obviously loves the spouse and does not need to hear that stuff now.  Continue supporting him/her as best you can, as they have a long road of grief, pain and hopefully, ultimate healing ahead of them--no matter which decision s/he makes.

Blessings,

Brigid   

[miss piggy]

Hello Bubaleh,

You are in a spot.  What a great sib you are!  I wish I had this kind of support from my sibs on other matters (H and I are OK), just in general, I wish I had more support for other stuff going on.  Oh well.

I agree with everyone that you are doing quite a great job of supporting your sib and have just the right attitude.  She needs to make her own decision and she has space and time to just decompress.  Spouse is going to feel threatened by anything he can't influence as someone mentioned above.  He's probably feeling quite ashamed (which translates to anger) for being caught.  This was the part that troubled me for you and sib.  She absolutely needs support from you and/or counseling, and spouse is going to interfere with that.  I wonder if it would help to tell him calmly and neutrally as you can "listen, sib just needs someone to listen. That's all I'm doing.  I love my sib, she's hurt, and I hope the two of you work it out whatever it is you're facing now."  If you can muster up sincere noises in favor of healing their relationship/resolution, he may back down.  You're not taking sides, you are simply being a good sib and want a good outcome for [cough, clearing of throat] everyone.   

So I recommend disarming the threat vs. ignoring him.  He's going to think the worst of you, assuming you are thinking the worst of him, unless you can still the raging waters.  If he wants to know what sib is saying, direct him back to sib to discuss the matter.  As you point out, you are not the mediator. 

Good luck to you and your sib.  MP

[CeeMee]

Hi B,

That must be very stressful for you to be in the middle of it all.  Sounds like you are holding up well and have good instincts.  I ditto everything that has been said but find Miss Piggy's approach more in line with my thinking when it comes to dealing with the spouse and for the reasons she so clearly stated. 
One caution...and this is from my experience with family matters...be careful not to give the impression that you are givng more attention to the feelings of the spouse over your sibling.  IMHO, that is the relationship (your sibling's) that you ultimately want to preserve (based on what I've understood from your posts) regardless of what happens with their marriage. 

Sibling will perhaps want to know what the spouse said when you have talked with him/her.  Will you share that information?  How will sibling feel if you don't share it and sibling wants to know?  These are all issues that must be decided and considered before going into it.

If you can listen to both sides and be an empathetic ear to help diffuse some of the emotion without getting into the nitty gritty of it, that might be the best way to go about it.

I wish you all the best in this.  Hopefully things will simmer down and resolve one way or another. 

[miss piggy]

Hello again,

Hi Ceemee, maybe I'm reading your post incorrectly but I do not recommend listening to spouse in any depth about the marriage, affair or whatever.  That would be getting in the middle.  I mean only to talk to spouse to say, hey relax, I know this must be difficult etc. and NOT open up to engage in specifics.  Spouse needs to talk to Sib/wife, not talk through B.  Is this what you were saying?  Just wanted to clarify. 

Anyway Bubaleh, you do have pretty good instincts.  You know this thing could blow up even more and you don't want to be anywhere near the grenade.  If you can promote a climate of peace while allowing them to claim responsibility for their own decisions, that is the best thing. 

Peace, MP

[bubeleh]

Hi, everyone---

I can't thank you enough for your caring and concern, and I think that in general your advice seems to be echoing what my gut is telling me. I am glad that I have kept my distance from Spouse thus far, because my fear of escalation seems to be materializing. Sibling just called me to warn me not to send any email correspondence, because (s)he cannot access his/her email account, and his/her tech guy suspects foul play(i.e. the account was broken into and the password changed by someone else).

Mum, your observation about Spouse's refusal to give Sibling space is spot-on. I think that to a certain extent, Spouse has always had control issues, and (judging from what Sib has shared with me)a certain degree of paranoia seems to have been a constant in their marriage(Spouse has broken into Sib's email before, and upon reading a completely innocuous email sent by a colleague of Sib's who is of the opposite sex, Spouse went ballistic and accused Sib of infidelity).  Spouse would only allow Sib to attend work-related functions if Spouse could also be there(Sib is "not allowed" to be around members of the opposite sex "unsupervised"). Mum, I think that if Sib were actually "allowed" to have some time alone to think and find his/her own voice, (s)he would come to the conclusion that this is not a healthy situation and a break needs to occur. I agree with your observation that Spouse is probably terrified right now because (s)he is not able to exercise the level of control over Sib to which (s)he thinks (s)he is entitled.

I have tried to tell Sib as gently as possible that, no matter what the outcome(repair or a break), (s)he needs to  seek the aid of both a good therapist and a good attorney immediately. Even if this can somehow be fixed, my instincts tell me that (s)he has nothing to lose by sitting down w/a lawyer to find-out what his/her rights are, and in what ways (s)he can protect him/herself(there are no children involved, thank God). Sib is not an aggressive person--growing up, (s)he was always the "go along to get along" child, so I don't think that (s)he really understands what (s)he is in for if this situation continues to deteriorate. I am very worried about him/her.

Thank you again for taking the time to listen and respond so thoughtfully. Next to my spouse, I have no one else with whom I can share this(Sib and I broke contact with our NPD/BPD family years ago).

[Gail]

I think your own safety should also be a priority.  If spouse keeps up with activity like banging on your door, calling over and over, etc., I'd consider getting a restraining order.  If sib leaves, and spouse is irate over it, spouse may wrongly feel you are to blame.  Maybe it would be good to show spouse you mean business now.  You shouldn't be threatened in your own home.  That is verbal assault.

I went through something very similar to what your sib is going through.  I never did learn if actual sexual activity took place with the young woman in question.  In some ways, that made it even harder--the uncertainty of it all.  I'd say to your sib that if spouse is acting like an affair is going on, treat the situation like sex is involved.  Even if it's not, the feelings are the same.

Gail

[CeeMee]

Yes, Miss Piggy, I guess I read more into your email than was there and my caution was in response to that.  I agree that getting in the middle is not a good thing and diffusing some of the emotion by  not ignoring the spouse may help.  That I fully agree with.

Although in some situations, going further could actually be necessary.   It would depend  on the type of relationship the "in-laws" had.  After re-reading  Bubelah's post, I realize now this is definitely not the case but the scenario could have been different.  For example if the in-laws were both women and very close, it would be difficult to be in contact with the s-i-l  to explain what's happening without also lending and empathic ear.  It takes a whole lot of skill to be empathic without being drawn in or involved or without giving an opinion. 

CeeMee