Books for teenagers

[mum]

As many of you know, I have two teenagers who have a real N for a dad (ex husband).

My children are aware that I have awakened in the last few years, becoming happier and more at peace and more powerfully centered.  I don't talk toooo much about this, but of course, when appropriate, I will put a few cents in regarding my values and beliefs about life, personal strength, spirituality.
Those of you who have teenagers probably know the usual reactions....(ok, about almost anything!!) "oh, no, Mom, are you gonna get all Ghandi on me now?" Or "what, are we on Oprah?" (ironic, since I don't watch that)

Yet, when push comes to shove, and they have worries, they do come to me for advice, support and some "Ghandi" talk. (hey, at least my kids know he was a spiritual leader, huh?)

I have lots of books on healing from various religions, disciplines etc, that my kids can access (and sometimes they do....rarely) but I read on this board some things that are specifically designed to help people recognize when they are abused. I'm thinking about the lists Sallying Forth quotes in her recent post, etc. I am always surprised at how my own experience of being in an abusive relationship can be validated and clarified when I read something about "recognizing abuse".


Obviously, I wouldn't want to shove a book called "is your Dad emotionally abusive?" in thier faces, but since they are frequently angry and confused when they have been with him, I wonder if there is something I could leave around that would clarify things for them, but it wouldn't come directly from me... OR, is it just enough for them to know I have been able to find my strength after years of control and abuse by this man, and that they can use my path as an example for themselves?

I have bought some books for them that are helpful to them, directly, but it's about either general stuff in getting healthy, or about their goals specifically (ie: "the inner game of music" for my son....to help with audition jitters).
I should add that my kids (probaly any kids) don't exactly want to spend their time ruminating about dad's idiotic and overbearing behavoir, and that's probably healthy, except when it's denial...and yet, who am I to point this out?... I can't stand the guy and that's no secret.

Any ideas??

[Sela]

Hiya Mum:

Obviously, I wouldn't want to shove a book called "is your Dad emotionally abusive?" in thier faces,...

Maybe not "shove in their faces" but if there were such a book and you left it on the coffee table, should you feel some kind of guilt??  Is there something wrong with that?

The fact is.....their dad issssssssss emotionally abusive right?  So if there is a book that will help them deal with him.....particularly help them stand up for themselves emotionally (whether that be in some quiet, personal way or whatnot) or better yet.....help them preserve their own emotional health by understanding behaviour and it's effects......well........it seems logical to offer the information in a non-threatening manner and at least.....make it available.

I admire you so much for posting here and asking if there are any good books out there!  I have no idea but I'd like to know too.  And I have no qualms of wrapping them up and putting a bow on them, either, if I believe they will save any amount of pain for my kids.  That might be a bit much.  Ok.....I admit...maybe skip the wrap job but leaving them around is a gift.

Knowledge is power and these kids need all they can muster to avoid absorbing the negative energy their N parents spew out and it's damage.

You are a great example of strength and your path away from abuse is truly something they can and hopefully will follow.  Any helpful tips you leave about in the form of written material sounds like a bonus, if you ask me, a generous and loving sharing.

God bless you mum for your wonderful, considerate mothering.

  Sela

[miss piggy]

Hello Mum!

I have two newly minted teenagers and wow, what a trip!   

I think the fact that you are available to them when they need to talk is alone a huge plus.  They're at that funny age (as you know) where they are still dependent but don't want to feel that way.  So it's tricky to offer them stuff on our (the parent's) initiative when they want it to be their idea, on their terms.  Sort of Nish, eh, but age-appropriate.  They are probably spending way more time (I hope) on figuring out who they are, vs how they relate to their dad or how this might have affected how and who they are.  Maybe.

Also, teens have more sources of info now than we realize.  They have their peers to talk to, counselors, and they might even look stuff up on the Internet.  I think teens today use the Internet for research as much as books. 

A tactic to consider is if you have a trusted family friend or relative that your kids might turn to, to give them the information to pass along.  Your kids might feel you have an agenda if you pop up with certain info.  But your kids might say to Friend, hey, do you know anything about this kind of situation?  I don't want to talk to my mother just because I already know where she stands.  But I want to know if she's right, you know?  Or, I want to know if other kids are in this kind of situation  Or something like that.

One of my friend's daughters is good friends with mine.  I try to be available to her because I know she doesn't have the same communication as my D has with me.  I would tell her any info I would want my own D to have and also try to reinforce my friend's values which are pretty much the same as mine, except delivered with a different communication style (I think).  Does this make sense?  It doesn't sound like you have the same power struggles with your kids that my friend does, but still the info might seem more neutral and objective coming from a friend and trusted adult outside the household.

PS Just visited the teen section of our city's library and it was full of books about pretty serious stuff (drugs, eating disorders, etc) and that is another source of info for them too.  Who knows, maybe they are doing their own investigating?

Having teenagers reminds me of something my D said when she was four: "Can you help me do this myself?"   

Hope this helps a little...MP