Should I say something or walk-

[Its not Easy]

Hello Ladies,This may be a bit off topic, but I am hoping for a little guidance because I am not clear about what to do. Here is the story so far -
I am a 50 year old guy with two divorces to my credit. I recently(6 months ago) met a lady in a singles club and we kind of felt an attraction and started hanging out on Saturday nights. One thing led to another and we arrived at an agreement that we would have a sexual relationship without any permanent expectations of each other . The ladies name is P and she was agreeable to try this for "as long as it was OK with both of us" . I was only recently separated from another lady and I was in no hurry to get permantently tied to someone so soon.
We usually see each other Wedneday nights and Saturday nights and I stay , or she does at my house.
We do not sleep with others and P has made it clear that she expects me to be sexually exclusive for as long as we are 'seeing ' each other. I have become fond of her in the past six months, but we have not done the usual dating/courting things like going out to dinner and so forth. We both pay our own way when we socialize.

This brings me to the point of this post. P is quite assertive in many ways and quite forthright in the way that she goes about things - if you get my drift.
However she has a habit of commenting to me quite openly whenever she notices another attactive man, She says things like,"Oooh, isn't he gorgeous". Or sometimes even more sexually suggestive comment," I could do BAD things with him." She has said to me that she "does not have a jealous bone in her body." She rarely comments if I dance with other ladies but occasionally shows her irritation if I do not pay her most of the attention. We email every day and txt most days and talk on the phone- as you do.

However ,I feel a bit insulted and disrespected by her comments about other men. For sure, I look at other women but I would NEVER articulate my thoughts and feelings to her .To me that is insensitive,unnecessary and even cruel.

In light of the situation do you think that I should -

A.Tell her that I would like her not to tell me how *hot* she thinks other guys are?
B. Start telling her how I feel about other women in the same way?
C. Walk away and find someone who "gets it".
D. Just leave things the way they are because we do not have any 'expectations'of each other?

[Plucky]

I vote for A.  At least give her a chance. Point out that you don't do that to her.
Perhaps she is rethinking or uncomfortable with the setup now, and obliquely trying to punish you a little.
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Hello,

Well...there are always expectations, permanent or not, of any relationship.  How's a hunka burnin' love supposed to participate in her conversation without sounding competitive or gay?  Perhaps it is no longer OK with both of you (meaning you) to engage in sex while she's on the prowl.  Maybe it is okay, but you would like to calmly adult-to-adult ask her to prowl in your absence...

Call me old-fashioned, but I would feel dehumanized if a guy talked about the other women this way in my presence. 

Good luck!  MP

[write]

maybe you should both be looking to build more respectful long-term relationships, then neither of you would be acting out/ confused/ disappointed?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hey there....

Ok, my first question would be "What do you want out of this?"  I agree with Plucky's comment about her feeling uncomfortable as from your post because as I understand, you initially suggested this setup and now 6 months down the line, her feelings are possibly changing yet she is protecting herself in a kind of way so she doesn't get hurt.  Commenting on other men to make you think it's casual (women can be fickle creatures you know).  It's always hard to comment when you don't know the people involved so this is just from my perspective.

So I feel your next step should be based on what you want from her... if it's a relationship, then A, if you want to play her at her own game B which will possibly break any kind of connection you have in the long run, if you can't see any kind of future with P, then C and if you happy with things as they are now then D.

Take care

H&H xx

[jach]

What is with the "report to moderator" notes above?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya

I don't know... I must have hit a wrong button by mistake.  I only meant to reply to the thread. 

Ahhhh... I've just checked... I copied and pasted into an e-mail to reply because I'm at work and then accidentally pasted everything back in here.  I've now modified it.  Sorry for any inconvenience....

H&H xx

[Its not Easy]

Ladies, I thank you for your input thus far. It is tough out there is SingleWood -especially for those of us who place little value on the tinkling sound of our own instincts - you folk might call that your *Voice*.
In reply to Plucky, I am bewildered by your comment about P's attempt to "punish" me ?
For what exactly?

To Miss Piggy,Yes, I do feel dehumanized by her remarks and  that is the central issue. I do not know if she is on the prowl or not. Men and women do these things a little differently. My original post was to explore other people's opinions on whether her remarks were insensitive and self-centered in the context of our relationship as I have described it.
I have not encountered these remarks by a woman before, but then again I have always been in a permanent relationship or a conventional marriage. This deal is a first for me and I do not really understand the ground rules. Do any of you?

My gut tells me that the rules of respect and sensitivity to another persons feelings transcend relationship types and styles and that she is out of line.

Ultimately I think that,for me, this relationship type with this particular woman has run it's course.

My experience tells me that bad behavior gets 'badder', not better over time.
Am I missing something here?
Any further comments or suggestions are very welcome...Thanks.

Its not Easy.

[Chicken]

Hi It's not easy,

Are you excluding the men, by addressing your post to "the ladiez!" (!?) it's a shame you are limiting yourself to just the women's point of view! anyway...

Your post is titled "should I say something, or walk?" I would advise you to say something!  Tell her how you feel!  I think it's better to address these things than to duck out.  You need to tell her how her behaviour is making you feel, and see how she reacts.  If she is understanding and open about her behaviour and willing to address it, then you may be on to a good thing, if she is not, then you know what you have on your hands and it may be easier to walk away then. 

It could go either way. 

I think you need to be honest with her as much as she needs to be honest with you!  Let you be the bigger person and make that first move...  Her behaviour could be a number of things, it may even be a tool to bring about a reaction like the one you are having, thus making her feel like she means something to you.  An indirect request for reassurance.  If you take the steps to bring all that stuff out in the open and have some direct communication, then you will establish your relationship (if it is to become that) on good ground from the get go. 

It sounds to me like this loose arrangement is no longer working for you.  Address your needs and bring it to her attention.

Good Luck!

[Its not Easy]

Thanks Selkie, I take your point about "the Ladies" so gentlemen, if there are any of you out there who have read my post, please give me your take on it.

Not Easy.

[Brigid]

Hi,
I would agree with most of what Selkie has said.  If this is a relationship in which you wish to invest yourself, then communication must be present for it to grow and prosper.  If her behavior is hurtful, then tell her and give her a chance to explain and repair.  If she proves to be unwilling, then you know this is someone who is not for you.  However, if you have already decided that she is not worth the trouble, then pack it in. 

FYI, women generally invest much more into a relationship when it becomes sexual.  Perhaps this lady friend of yours is more casual about it than most, but she may also be playing defense, as others have suggested.  Depending how other relationships have worked out for her, she may be just protecting herself from further hurt.

I find it playful to talk to my bf about how cute or sexy some guy or girl is, but I limit this to those who are unattainable, i.e., Orlando Bloom or Patrick Dempsey, and not someone who is sharing a space with us.  I also have no problem if he says that Julia Roberts or Hallie Barry are very attractive to him.  Just because we are in an exclusive relationship, doesn't mean we can't appreciate a really good looking person.  I do agree, however, that this would be disrespectful if he was checking out every cute girl in the restaurant or making any comparisons to me.

Just my 2 cents (you get what you pay for).

Brigid 

[Sela]

Hello Its not easy:

Ok...........getting my crystal ball out.........shining it up..........looking in the centre.......what do I see???


 


I see.............a lot of fog. 

Personally, I don't understand relationships like the one you have with this woman because I think I would, as a female, feel like a piece of meat in it, and if I were a male, I might feel like.......a piece of meat.

But...........to each his own.  I'm a great believer in freedom and choice but also......respect.  I think your relationship with this woman lacks basic respect.  Maybe that's why she has no problem making such comments....because she's not feeling like she's in a respectful place to begin with and vice versa????  Just guessing.

My vote:  talk or walk. 

6 months seems long enough to be uncommitted.  Soon it will start to feel like a committment (which there isn't any but it might begin to feeeeeeel like there is or should be).  You say you've grown "fond" of P.

Does that mean you feel emotionally attached to her?   Will it hurt to walk away?   Will it hurt if she walks away with one of those "gorgeous" guys she spots?  Could this be a fear?  Are you feeling more ready for a committed relationship with someone?  Is this woman.....the long term relationship kind?  What are you doing to yourself?

(I ask waaaaaaaaaay tooo many questions....so please only answer here if you feel like it......otherwise....maybe just think about them and see how you feel.....what you think or nevermind).

Maybe I'm out to lunch (wouldn't be the first time  ) but it just seems to me that you have feeeeeeeelings for this woman (fondness??) who you agreed to only have a sexual relationship with, without further ado (is that how to spell ado??   Probably not).

Have you broken your end of the bargain?

If so......tell her.... or end the thing before you get even more involved with someone who does not wish to get more involved.  It just seems like a dangerous game to play eh??

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Hi NotEasy,
I couldn't stand it. I find it completely uncomfortable, creepy, off-key and iggy.
Then again I find ongoing sexual relationships that are "negotiated" from the get-go to keep the heart out of them uncomfortable, creepy, off-key and iggy.

I know people who do or have had relationships like that. I just don't know why.
Seems to me so much love, embracing, mutual healing and support is or should be possible between two humans of any gender...why set something up so it's just flesh slapping?

(Maybe my hormones are withering...but I think my soul would get bored with such a thing.)
That help?
Hopalong

[mum]

Mr. It's not Easy. Your name says it all. This kind of thing is not easy, even though you think it should be. I'm with Hoppy here, I just don't get it. I mean I get it, and have attempted the "unattached" type of sexual relationship you speak of, but in my experience, it was not authentically me, and very hurtful to both parties in the long run. 

So I speak from some pretty sad experience when I say how very empty and sad your situation  sounds. You've got a lot more to be concerned about than just her oogling men in your presence. (tip of the ice berg...or sinking ship)

I have had "just sex" (even with someone I was married to!!!) and that's all it is, just sex. (piece of meat idea...) Personally, I would be holding out for true love, but that's just me.  I'd rather have no sex than empty sex every again.  Allowing hormones and emotions to drive our behviors is  pretty primitive stuff.  I'm not at all suprised you are in a quandry.

So you two both decided to have JUST SEX as a basis for your relationship? Well, if that's all you bargained for, why are you asking her for more? Like to be respectful, considerate of you as a human being and all that? Is that part of the deal? Really?
Yup, I'd talk and then I'd walk.

[guest1]

A friend of mine at work had an issue with her husband making comments as they were walking along the street.  As he would make comments about a female's anatomy, she decided what she would say the next time they were out.

Sure enough, the next time they were out, she commented on a male's anatomy.  Needless to say - it stopped his remarks.