What is she thinking?

[Sela]

Hiya Bewildered:

Isn't it incredible how very N some people act??    It just floors me!

As ifffff she had not pitched you away like a child does with an unwanted toy...she makes sweety nicey.

As ifffff she has some residual owner's rights over you... she drapes her arm...like you're her bud.

As ifffff you are her closest confidant...and without empathy or regard to your feelings...... she tells you details about her new boy friend.

As ifffff you care and assuming you would have no choice but to be stilllllll interested in her... she dangles candy in front of your eyes.....a precious, priceless dance with her-wonderfulness?

As ifffff she is totally not worth wasting another minute on......you get up and go away!!

Good for you Bewildered!!!  Fantastic!!  That's the exact thing to do, imo!!!

And then.....as ifffffffffff she has something to say that you would be minutely interested in, as iffffffffff she might be able to play you one more time.....she sends you an email.  (Or maybe she's ticked that you didn't jump at the chance to dance with her.....or maybe she's confused as to why her hooks aren't grabbing and so she's trying a different angle????).

But you promptly ignor and plan to delete that Nish email!!!

Bravo Bewildered!!!    Way to go!!  Do it!!  Push delete!!!

You're so right....you don't want a connection with this one!!!  Good for you!!

You deserve a woman who treats you with honour and respect, not one who's trying to fish you in and throw you back, over and over again for sport!!

Sela

[miss piggy]

Hi Bewildered,

My guess is that she didn't have a suitable replacement "part" lined up before you and your car had the audacity to break down. 

She's trying to figure out if you've figured her out or if she can seduce you back.  In essence, you are dumping her now instead of the other way around.  she's just trying to get you back to arrange reality to make her feel back in control of all the outcomes.  Forget it!  What does the song say?  "We don't get fooled again!!!"

I'm so proud of you for deleting the email!  She's shown you her true colors, so believe her! 

Way to go.  Big hug, MP

[Moira]

hi and welcome Bewildered! Excellent posting and I admire your honesty and emerging boundaries. I get where you're coming from and how difficult it is to recognize abuse, get out of fantasy land, and run!!! As to her " dumping you for discussing your depression"- totaly makes sense. I suffer from bipolar disorder and in the beginning my ex N was ever so supportive and understanding- NOT- but he said all the right things. Prior to going out, he'd carefully spent months reading me and setting up the con. He knew I have been dumped and rejected all too often by ment once I've revealed this illness. Once  I was his " object and willing prey" he quickly used this confidence to betray me, cut me down and do this publicly as welll as privately. He used to call my shrink to tell her " She must be psycotic and need to be in hospital because she gets upset and angry with me when I tell her she's crazy and her responses are inappropirate". Ns have a characterisitc in common when dealing with our appropriate expressions of - what they perceive to be- neative emotions. Ns- although they thrive on negative attention as much as positive- hate emotins. Not soemthing they are wired to understand and not capable of empathy and feeling. although they are usually accomplished actors and con artists! No wonder your ?( hopefully, permanent- ex) dumped you after your mentioning depression. You are flawed in her books- what will other people think???!!!- and now she is faced with the prospect of dealing- yuck!! with disgusting negative emotions!!! God forbid you expect or need support. A waste of energy to fake this in her books! What's init for her! Nothing but irritation and exhaustion- imagine having to expend all that energy with that con game and what are you possibly going to be able to give her if you can't deal with yourself- in her likely opinion. All this is solely my opnion and experience. Been there! RUN!!!! She's continuing to attempt to engage you and as I said, Ns love and thrive on chaos and negative attention. Keeps you tied to them and that door open to possibility of her getting whatever that something is she thinks you'll provide. Even if it's your misery and trying to get explanations etc. Chaos- great for her until she can secure another unsuspecting prey who is a source of N supply. I totally applaud your decision to ignore and erase any emails without reading them. Keep it up!!! I know how difficult it is- went through same dance with my ex N- and finally got to the same point you're at!!! Nothing Ns and abusers hate more than absolutely no contact or response!!! They can't play the game if you refuse to play at all!!! Eventually they do give up and move on to the next one!!!! Chin up and keep opsting!!! Hugs, Moira

[Bewildered]

I fell really overwhelmed by the support and encouragement from you good people on this board . The rejection still hurts a little but after posting and reading your responses i realize that it is not HER whom I want back rather it is just the hurt and pain of being dumped when I showed a human frailty( depression). I am seeing  with clarity how this woman had a cold and heartless part to her character which was unleashed on me when I was vulnerable .Ironically,four weeks previous to our breakup  she was driving her car with a girlfriend and I on a Sunday drive. I was in the rear seat reading a book. We were side-swiped by a minivan and her car was totaled. She needed three stiches to her lip and we were all shook up badly. I then helped her search for a new car( in spite of the fact that mine had broken down)  over the next 10 days.We eventually found what she was looking for but we went through a lot of auto dealers before we eventually found her dream car at a reposssesion auction. A week later I was toast. Go figure!

[Hopalong]

Hey Clarity-Be,
There's a really cool invention in email that allows you to Block Sender.
I had to use it when I got dumped by selfish brutal indifferent Ns.
In past Glen Close times I had so much trouble letting go I would ask THEM to block MINE!

But I am very impressed. You did delete.
(Just in case you feel low or vulneralble, though, that Block Sender function's really cool...)

Keep it up. Yay for you!
Hopalong

[write]

is Blocked Sender your blanket advice for tonight H?! Just joking. I agree,

I also use the feature to move certain people's emails to a specified 'unopened' file, then I can read them if & when I feel resilient & I don't get a clogged up inbox.

Bewildered, at least she showed you herself in full bloom pretty fast and you could get out before you were tied together some way.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Plucky]

Hiya Bew,
It must have hard to share that you were feeling depressed and then be rejected because of that.  Maybe you felt depressed because you knew that ther ewas something wrong in paradise.  Maybe you told her in order to make her let you go.  I mean, you did know that she dumped one BF for that very reason, after a long time, and was proud of it.  So you actually dumped her, all around.

And maybe on some level she knows it. 

She's got real problems.  You've got real friends.
Plucky

[Bewildered]

I am tempted tp play her Nstyle games in an attempt to manouver her back into striking range and then dump her in some way. However that has a pettiness about it that does not appeal to me in many ways. Even if I succeeded in dumping her,there is always the possibility that she is so cut of from her feelings that she may just shrug it off. It is my opinion that she is only capable of adolescent or infantile and shallow feelings -those that we sometimes experience in moments of gratification,like licking that ice-cream or opening our birthday presents.

Loyalty,respect for others sensitivities and the warmth that comes from authentic connection to a partner is surely missing in her. She objectified me and discarded me when she was faced with an inconvenient situation in the form of my depression.

I was aware (as one post said) that declaring openly to her that I was depressed was a risk in light of her treatment of BJ who was also depressed and discarded. However, something told me to tell her - I just had to push the point and take the risk to find out if she was as callous as I suspected she was.
She was indeed as callous and cold as I feared. I found out what I did not want to be true, but she is what she is.
I am still busting to know what was in that email, but I take the point that ignoring her is the best option. There is nothing that she has, or is that I want.

A sadder but wiser,
Bewildered.

BTW There is a high probability that I will see her and new B/F again on Saturday night at our dinner dance. I am practicing a little callousness of my own in preparation of that event.

[Chicken]

She needed three stiches to her lip and we were all shook up badly. I then helped her search for a new car( in spite of the fact that mine had broken down)  over the next 10 days.We eventually found what she was looking for but we went through a lot of auto dealers before we eventually found her dream car at a reposssesion auction. A week later I was toast. Go figure!

And your car broke the next week and she didn't stand by you and return the favour of getting you back on your feet.  Well she disgruntedly gave you a ride some places but you had to suffer abuse because of it.  She needs a cardboard cut out for a man, not a real one. 

What a horrible person! 

Bewildered: "I am practicing a little callousness of my own in preparation of that event."

I'm curious as to what you've got up your sleeve for Saturday night!!  -the gossipy side to me is coming to the surface!

Care to share?

 

[Bewildered]

You guys really *get* her. The reality is slowly dawning on me too. It is so painful to be confronted with abusive behavior from someone who was so much fun to be with.
However, anyone can be fun and exciting in the good times. I guess that a lot about the dark side  of our character is revealed when the waters become turbulent.

I am working on some tactics to use if she approaches me at our dinner dance Saturday evening.
Last Saturday I felt almost paralysed when she came up behind me and put her arm around my neck. This time will be different.
She is most likely to ask me to dance and my response will be one of these-

" I am booked solid until November 2007, I will let you know if there are any cancellations."

" I never told you this before but my mother can dance better that you can - not tonight honey."

" Do you mean your favorite - the horizontal Tango?"

" My urologist wants to talk to your doctor urgently - "

" That's an interesting dress - did you make it out of a shower curtain?"

" Your B/F over there looks flushed in the face. You have that dog collar pulled too tight."

Anyone have any contributions please?

A chuckling, Bewildered.
"

[Plucky]

Hi there Be,
all of these are funny responses.  But any of them will let her know you still have emotion relating to her.  Best would be to not give here any supply at all.  Just say, "no thanks" and walk away.   
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Amen, Plucky.
Beclearing, buddy---
CLASSY ALL THE WAY. That is what you are.
That is what a nonresponse, simply walking away in calm and dignity...would be.

MOST unsatisfying to a narcissist.

You can process the hurt in private, here, on your own time, in safe spaces.
She does not have the right and should not be trusted.

She might beat you at the game. She's wily. That would not mean she "wins" but why expose your belly?

You be CLASSY and CALM and physically walk away, body relaxed.

That's my pushy advice but please let us know what you do and how it goes!

You classy man you. You way-underreactive dignified observer, you.

Hopalong

[Moira]

Hi Bewildered and all! I agree with post that addresses no response at all. In my experience, any response- including negative or sarcastic ones- backfire. Ns thrive on any attention and even sarcasm and insults keep that- as I said before- dysfuntional dance going. It only really serves to continue hurting yourself in the end, as no matter how bruised you are right now, this woman isn't capable of any empathy or respect and she'll continue to abuse you. Rest assured, she's not up at night, pacing the floor thinking of possible responses to you! for me, I eventually- I know how difficult it is to make a clean break!- and stopped going to any of our old familiar places. continued torture for me- even just seeing ex N- who was usually there with someone else( got to rub your nose in it- even if it's without any communication at all. Presence IS a message!)  Stopping going to everyplace we used to haunt has stopped my obsessing. Th eold out of sight- eventually- out of mind. no contact whatsoever- they hate that! A personal note- I just heard through the grapevine( have to set boundaries now with these friends and as soon as they mention his name, hold up my hand and say I do not want to hear anything at all about him)- that he's showing up at my usual meetings, dressed to the nines( in snappy clothes I actually bought him. As if the message is a slap in the face for me!), in the company of a woman and speaking about " some wonderful, understanding woman he's dating". As if I give a shit!!! I feel sorry for her, but am going to resist any kind of warning- even if it were to be through girlfriends- not my stuff and it's totally her shit and her judgement. I'm not responsible for rescuing her- an old pattern for me. Hang in! I hope you don't give in to that old curiousity about what could possibly be in her emails- that to your credit you're erasing without reading!- whatever th econtent- only a hook and a con. What I found helpful to curb curiousity. was I actually wrote out some choice examples of my ex's abuse- either action/verbal- and taped some notes to both my computer and my phone. forced myself to read them before listening to any viocemail or looking at my emails. Helped put things and my emotions in perspective! Hang in! you're moving in the right direction and getting stronger and healthier! sending positive energy to you! Moira

[miss piggy]

Hello Bewildered,

Yes, totally agree with everyone that the best response is a very bland boring, no thank you, and walking away.  The genius is in its simplicity.

1. There's nothing in this reply for N to work with
2. You set a boundary
3. They are more skilled at verbal fencing and live for it
4. When you don't fence, you take away their fun.  Just don't play.
5. The best part: they never expect this. 

It seems less than satisfying at first but really Silence is Power when resisting an N's seduction.  This is different from voicelessness because it's YOUR choice. 

I wouldn't term your new attitude as callousness because that has a negative connotation.  Our self talk matters.  I would consider it "shielding" yourself from her advances and leaving yourself open to non-Ns.  Like a friendly forcefield sending out love and light to those who appreciate it and can return it. 

You sound like a pretty cool guy.  I hope you meet someone fun and emotionally mature this weekend.  Good luck!  MP

[Hopalong]

MP,
I've lost traclk but are you the same peson who said one can "leave Ns on a little island of opinion with nowhere to go"??

I love that.

(Sorry Becalmwildered...digression, but maybe it's not!)

Amazingly clear list, MP, of why silence to Ns is powerful. Truly amazing.
Thank you.

Hopalong