Why do I hide?

[seasons]

delete

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Seasons

Is it the same people that you hide from?  Or do you feel calm as a cucumber with them one day and then hide from them the next time they visit?

If it's the same people, then I feel it may be a fear of being judged by them.

Well, as I'm writing this I realize these people could care less rather I have the perfect hand towels

I noticed this.... "could care" instead of couldn't... Sometimes I feel our mistakes can speak volumes... although you know that these people couldn't care, you care.

I think the thing to possibly try and remember is that you and your family make your home, real live living people who are kind and thoughtful, who have humour, who talk and listen, not what glasses you have, not the way your towels are.  What do you think when someone has come round and you hide in the shower?  You've said how you feel, but what thoughts are going through your mind?

I can relate to some of it.... I also hate having people turn up out of the blue when the house is a mess, and then in turn I hate myself for being lazy and not doing enough housework.  I feel very embarrassed if someone turns up out of the blue.  Even like yesterday when one of my husband's work colleagues turned up to pick up some work from him.  I sat there thinking, oh dear, there's the ironed clothes not put away... I seem to notice every bit of dust etc.  And then he asked to use the bathroom and that set me on another internal panic... what will he think?  And I'm worse if it's any of my husband's family... at least with my family I generally know in advance which gives me time to have a good clean up.  And even when I've had a good clean up, and there's people coming round, I still don't feel very relaxed or really enjoy playing hostess, even though I enjoy seeing friends, with most of my friends, I prefer it out of my home environment.  Going to the cinema or something similar is more relaxing for me.

Take care

H&H xx

[Portia]

Hiya Seasons, great post, I bet lots of folks can empathise with what you describe. I can to an extent, although I pretty much keep people away from my home!

But some of the people I run from care and love me

This is interesting to me. Who are these people? And do you feel their caring and love when they visit you? Do you feel they completely accept you for who you are?

I've realised very recently, thinking about my home and what I feel a bit insecure about at times (not having enough space, living in a tiny house) that although our homes do reflect our tastes to an extent, our homes are not us. They are spaces we inhabit. Spaces we use. Our homes do not make us what we are. The judgements we think others may make based on our homes - well the people we enjoy being with don't make those judgements. They see us, not our homes, our 'things'. They see the human beings and not the possessions. Some people see other people as objects - and they're the people to avoid. Even if they're our family.

[Hopalong]

Awww, Seasons. I ditto everybody.
I think this is a very pernicious, heavy, exhaustingly heavy, thing that the culture lays on women.
Just about stomps us into the carpet if we're not June Cleaver.
Add to that some early trauma and we can find ourselves acting it all out with these sorts of obsessions about appearance.

Of house. Of face. Of body.

I am so sorry.
You are not your house.

I vote you go over to H&H's house and share the mirror and do the SAME THING.
Recite out loud good things about yourself, as a human, that have NOTHING to do with EXTERNALS, overandoverandover until you believe them. (If you think you're lying never mind, just keep reciting. Out loud is gooooood.)

Then blow your nose on the tablecloth and hon, you need bellylaughs.
Much, much, much more laughter.

I know I do, so I'm probably projecting, but I have to go on a laughter, zoom-in-on-ABSURDITY hunt, when I get that way.

I really, really hope you will get sloppy. I think you need to be VERY sloppy.
A sloppy room, a sloppy corner, a big sloppy attack of brownie making.

A food fight? Okay, well that could be overwhelming.
FINGER PAINTING, how about that, can you do a bunch of fingerpaintings and get half of it on yourself and then be sure to HAND THE FINGERPAINTINGS ALL OVER THE HOUSE?? SO NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY MISS THEM? AND MAKE SURE THEY'RE HANGING CROOKED?

They really are wonderful, fingerpaintings are. Hurt kids miss out.
Never too late.

Love,
Hopalong

[miss piggy]

Seasons,

I wished I had posted this because I have this exact same problem.  Everyone please keep posting because you'll be helping us both!   

I'll just add the following for myself:

1. It wasn't valued to be a girl in my house so I didn't value and I was not trained to be a hostess.  My parents did not have their own friends over until we kids were grown.  They hated having other children over.

2. I think part of my problem is a home is an extension or expression of one's self and I seem to be very guarded or quiet about my opinions and expressions of personality outside the home (the voicelessness).  If you come to my home, you will know much more about me and that makes me uncomfortable.

3.  Other women live to be Martha Stewart and very much compete in this arena.  I throw in the towel in advance to say "you win". 

And guess what?  I'm hosting Thanksgiving, although that's different because it's family.  I am very much judged and tell myself I don't care what they think.  I don't want their approval or disapproval.  I don't have a kitchen equipped with Williams Sonoma or Deluca whatever stuff.  I just want to get along.  I just want to relax.  I don't want to have to perform.  But I wish I could accept this about myself.  I think I basically lack self acceptance.

  MP

[Hopalong]

Real dear MP,
That's the hook I think: "Hostess."
Something you have to "Be Trained" for.

Training is for toddlers.

How about if you don't "HOST" anything ever?

Just have people in when you want to, to make yourself happy?

Have Thanksgiving. Don't have...Hostessing.

Have a good time, it's the only reason to open the door.
Love,
Hopalong (a Fallen Magnolia)

[miss piggy]

Thanks so much, Hoppy!   

To Seasons, I think you're smart not to open the door if you can't deal with it.  I wished I'd done that during this particular episode:

One Christmas, the very same holiday season of our family fallout years ago, we had all slept in and were still in our pj's at noon.  The doorbell rang and we were obviously home.  My H was "indisposed" so I had to answer the door.  There was a young man from our church handing me a thank you present from his wife looking at me in amazement as I stood there in all my dysfunctional glory: in my scratchy wooly robe and athletic socks and the largest, most deforming COLD SORE on my bottom lip anyone has ever seen.  Really, it was the size of my little toe.  On my bottom lip.  It was hanging way way out.  I'm sure I scared the guy and he'll never come by unannounced on a holiday again.  I looked and felt like a leper.

So I just shrugged my shoulders, smiled, and gave him a big sloppy hug just to say "I know I look like hell, whatever."  For his part he said, "well, I guess we're pretty good friends now."    ho ho ho!

MP

[CeeMee]

Hi Seasons,

What you write about sounds very familiar.  It must be very difficult for you, especially during these holidays.  I experienced this for many, many years.  Holidays petrified me.  Hostessing either paralyzed me or sent me manically to the kitchen cleaning everything in sight.  My kids were kept on a key chain for fear that something terrible would happen if I let them go to a friend's house (forget sleep overs).  Then I started taking Prozac and it changed everything.  My husband who was not initially supportive of me going on meds has said that I am a much less anxious person today.  My kids would agree.  It wasn't   x,y or z that made the difference in how I felt, rather, it was the adjustment of my brain chemistry.  I'm  just one of those individuals that is wired with high sensitivity and anxiety. I think there are many folks who suffer from this.

CeeMee

[write]

I've had years of experience of cooking/ hostessing so that doesn't upset me now, but there are plenty of things which do.

Earlier tonight I was over at my neighbour's and she said she was exhausted getting everything ready for Thanksgiving, and her older kids who said they'd help had disappeared out etc. I said I'll help you for a bit, we went into the kitchen and I started doing what I would do- ie reduce the chaos, throw away trash/ clear the table away and she yelled at me! 'don't move that'...I just left, said I'll see you later.
I'm sure she thinks I'm strange and 'oversensitive' ( whatever that particular word means ) but I just couldn't stand it.

i was a naughty kid 'caught out' again
( a phrase one doctor used with me was 'you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop' which didn't quite make sense when analysed, but I totally related to )

I wanted to cry when I got in but I sat and distracted myself reading some posts here until I felt calmer.

I think what happens to us is we key into some earlier trauma and it's so unpleasant we just want to run away.

A few days ago I felt the same in a rehearsal, and I'm still deciding whether to actually sing the concert...I've started to run away more lately, since I decided I have to try and manage my illness behaviourally rather than medicating all the time.

'what is so hard about saying hello?'
I remember bumping into a former friend some years ago, nothing horrible ever happened between us, we just lost touch, but not only me but she too was overcome with embarrassment, I still remember the strange reaction we BOTH had and though I know I can be like this, why did she feel so bad? We didn't speak but there was that frisson of shock and not knowing what to say...
( now I'm older I can guess- we lost touch because she went away to have an illegitimate child adopted. Of course I would not have judged her on that....as I guess she wouldn't have thought anything strange about this flustered new mother trying to efficiently grocery shop with a crying baby... )

[mum]

HI, Seasons. I echo what everyone else has said...this is a load of crap dumped upon women..
But the hiding in the shower...well, that may have to do with not wanted company unannounced on general principal.  And that's ok, right?  It is a bit of an invasion for someone to come over without warning. I am generally in my PJ's until 2 on the weekends, so it would bug me a lot!!

I have a beautiful home that stays clean for about half a day. It's still beautiful, even under the piles of backpacks, dirty socks and dog hair. Two teenagers and three dogs.  Forget it.  I'm swimming upstream.  There are new dogs growing out of the dog hair piles everyday I swear. The kids are no help unless I bug them....but joint custody has an amazing effect on children and chores

I work full time and I CARE but I just DON'T in a way, really. My exN is OCD.  The kids call him "Mr. Clean". He used to berate me for a crumb left on the counter.  Soon after our divorce, a good friend came to visit and I was mortified because my house was a wreck....she said: "it's so refreshing to see you LIVE here....it was always so perfectly sterile when your ex was here!!"
The other day, my son's friend wanted to use the kid's bathroom....I knew it was DISGUSTING.  So what to do?  Nothing.
My kids could care less....but I know how embarrassing it can feel..

Ussually when I am embarrassed, it's not my own voice in my head, but that of my ex MIL: "A wife should always keep a clean house...." but this is the same woman who said: "if a man goes elsewhere for sex, the wife is not doing her job".
Gimme a break right??

So, go ahead and drop those negative, "I'm not good enough" thoughts.....we can form a club: the "I am good enough" club.
Our houses might not always be perfect.....but our hearts and minds will be clear.

[Sallying Forth]

Seasons,

I wished I had posted this because I have this exact same problem.  Everyone please keep posting because you'll be helping us both!   

I'll just add the following for myself:

1. It wasn't valued to be a girl in my house so I didn't value and I was not trained to be a hostess.  My parents did not have their own friends over until we kids were grown.  They hated having other children over.

Trained as a hostess? I believe we are not trained but actually have a gift in that area. I know that is NOT my thing because I am an introvert. For some it comes naturally, no training needed.

And when it is not natural maybe it is OCPD and NPD all wrapped into one precious, disgusting gift. The gift that doesn't keep giving.   My Nmother the car ... owned by others but thinking she owns them.   Anyway, she is the hostess elite and was never trained! Comes with the territory of being NPD and OCPD. Everything has to be PERFECT ad nauseum. The perfect menu which has been written over and over again to PERFECTION. The meal which is planned over and over again to PERFECTION. The guest list which is written ... you get the idea.

And as for N's they are also into the PERFECT home, the PERFECT guest list, the PERFECTED etc.

Maybe this could be used for the perfect avoidance of people too?

2. I think part of my problem is a home is an extension or expression of one's self and I seem to be very guarded or quiet about my opinions and expressions of personality outside the home (the voicelessness).  If you come to my home, you will know much more about me and that makes me uncomfortable.

My home is a reflection of me. At this point in time it reflects what is going on inside of me, grieving. I am going through so many of the stages of grieving at once and my home reflects that disarray. I am learning to be okay with that. This is where I am emotionally right now. I've got piles of receipts in my office. I have the filing cabinet for them but they don't get put away. At first I thought it was because of being globally oriented because I am an introvert. However after finding the stages of grieving on a pet loss website I realize this is quite normal. I am healthy! Whoopeee!!!!!!!!

3.  Other women live to be Martha Stewart and very much compete in this arena.  I throw in the towel in advance to say "you win".

You mean other women are ANAL RETENTIVE LIKE MARTHA AND MY MOTHER! The psychoanalytical word for someone with OCPD is ANAL RETENTIVE. I found that recently and started laughing so hard. Yep, that is my mother.

I can see her right now, in her 80's, flitting around the kitchen in a frenzy, checking her menu, checking this and that. It's Thanksgiving and everything must be PERFECT. How anal retentive! How so sick! And sitting down at the table for dinner or even sitting down to visit you feel as if you shouldn't be there messing up HER PERFECT world. The tension in the room is so thick and heavy you couldn't cut it with sharpest machette. And conversation? What is that but another onslaught of perfectionism. Get it right and you are okay with her and him and him (mom, dad and brother - all N's).

I believe that because my N and OCPD mother was so demonstrative with her behavior I went the opposite direction. Yet I fought with myself for years trying to discover whether this was alright for me. It finally is. I am comfortable with what is right now. And if that changes, it does.

However I will never, thankfully, be like my anal retentive mother. Another thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I AM ME!!!

And guess what?  I'm hosting Thanksgiving, although that's different because it's family.  I am very much judged and tell myself I don't care what they think.  I don't want their approval or disapproval.  I don't have a kitchen equipped with Williams Sonoma or Deluca whatever stuff.  I just want to get along.  I just want to relax.  I don't want to have to perform.  But I wish I could accept this about myself.  I think I basically lack self acceptance.

  MP

You hit the nail on the head - self acceptance. If I am okay with me the way me is then it doesn't matter what others think of me. It doesn't matter about my home because it is NOT an extension of me. It might very well be a reflection of me but it is certainly not an extension of me.

I've learned that some women love house work and hosting and I am thankfully NOT one of them. I am a true introvert. I love my peace and quite and space. I don't enjoy big gatherings. I don't like parties. I like small intimate, close knit gatherings where I enjoy the people's company. My family does NOT fit that criteria and never will. I accept this and love the me I am.

Today I am fixing my Thanksgiving dinner for me! I got the foods I love. I got some special treats. I bought myself a puzzle, 1000 pieces, and I putting it together in between writing here, washing dishes, writing in my journal, playing games online, doing research, exercising, and making my dinner. It is me, myself and I and I love it. I've got music going. My house is a mess and I don't give a crap! Who really cares! My insides are a mess because I'm grieving. I'm accepting me. Accepting my life. Accepting where my life is headed. And I am excited ... to say the least!!!

I am thankful today for things I would not have been thankful about even yesterday. One perfectly orchestrated and divine meeting with a very special lady changed my life in a moment. 

[Hopalong]

Mum, THANK you for this wonderful laugh!
There are new dogs growing out of the dog hair piles everyday I swear.

And SF, thank you for the ENTIRE diatribe which to which my entire being hollers YES YES YES! (I believe you were at all the dinner parties I choked my way through as a child...)

I'm sorry you're grieving but Lord, what a mighty way you're doing it.

Woo-HOO to you! Thank you for the inspiration.

Hopalong

[spyralle]

In a strange way it makes me feel very happy to read this post as I am exactly the same and I thought it was just me.  i also hide when the door goes and I also have this terrible feeling that I have either done something wrong or the will see the state of my house and hate me.  When I am at work people always get the impression that I live in a lovely place so I could never bring them back to my tiny cottage that is desperately in need of work and redecoration.

My mother used to tell me when I was young that I was a sloven....  that I would grow up to live in a dirty house with dirty children... So I guess I always have the fear that people will think the same....

[mum]

Hey, Seasons. Give yourself a break. You sound like you KNOW what's important in this life: the example of your daughter and friend and how much you felt at ease with that. That it was authentic for you.  Stay true to yourself. Keep visions of that comfortable, authentic YOU in your mind. Let go, or dismiss all the negative tapes of you not being good enough.  You sound like the kind of mom any kid would love. That's the important stuff. You are way better than good enough. Keep seeing the good stuff...that's the real you.

[Sallying Forth]

I found some interesting answers to your questions in the book An Adult Child's Guide to What's "Normal". These options
are for uninvited guests.

1.  Don't answer the door.
2.  Open the door and say hi! But not before you take a deep breath, count to 10, feel and then think. Use non-verbal and verbal communication to speak to the people. Speak and act FIRST and FIRMLY, if you can. Set clear boundaries such as opening the door a little bit and peeking out. Thus indicating to them you don't want them to come in.
3.  Let them in for a short time. Then dictate when they leave.
4.  If they refuse to go, stand up and go to the door and open it. Then speak directly to them.

Other chapters in the section on Boundaries: Getting Tricked, Staying Clear
27.  Re-Enactments: History Does Repeat Itself
28.  Abused By An Eyebrow
29.  Some Shaming Statements To Watch For
30.  When People Say Inappropriate Or Abusive Things To Me
31.  Get An Answering Machine
  I love mine now. I utilize it to the fullest. I let my h leave me messages all the time and I don't answer the phone. I don't go running to the phone any more.
32.  Uninvited Guests
33.  Combating The "Gotcha Syndrome" I: Why Didn't I See That One Coming?
34.  Combating The "Gotcha Syndrome" II: I'll Think About It And Let You Know Tomorrow
35.  Confronting Those Crazy Cons: Fool me Once ...
36.  Confronting Those Crazy Cons: What To Do Or Say