the unforgiven

[mum]

I am always puzzled by family relationships...ok, relationships in general.

Some of you might recall, a while back, that I was married and the reception was at my brother and sister in laws house.
Nice, relaxed affair, at which my SIL threw emotional anger daggers at me and my husband. We didn't do things the way she wanted them done (no we didn't trash her house)
 A) we couldn't possibly afford the chi-chi affair she wanted to do
 B) we didn't use the haughty and expensive caterer she wanted us to....um, because of hautiness (well, downright rude) and expense...
C) a misunderstanding led to my family...(me, my husband, friends), to pitch in and clean up after. NOBODY cared except for her mind you....(this could have been avoided had we hired the caterer of her choice, of course).
D) I'm pretty sure that dumping her caterer put her in a "bad" position socially, because "everyone whose anyone" uses that caterer....hmmm

I sent her a very nice thank you note and a gift certificate to a beautiful restaurant.  I figured, give her time, she will lighten up.  Soon after that, my brother let us know he was diagnosed with Parkinsons.  So I figured, she probably knew that at the wedding and was taking out her anger on me. Fine. She needs time.

Well, today is Thanksgiving. I am not with my husband (we will live 3000 miles apart until the summer), and that's fine, really.
But said brother and sister in law are having a huge shindig today, have invited all the relatives for miles....and have excluded my husband....who, not to make sound pathetic, is not doing anything, as his mom had heart surgery yesterday, and his daughter is with her mom.
My sister was invited, and didn't dare say anything to mad SIL, which leads me to believe I am a scourge still. (Said SIL makes NO bones about her anger....but always behind other's backs....)

As I write this I think of what my good friends here would say:
Why would your husband WANT to be invited to that B***** house anyway?

Well, he probably wouldn't, but if he were.....it would mean we were "forgiven" and she has put the "horrible day" (nice, huh...that's my wedding day) behind her.  He is gracious enough to let it go and would probably welcome the invitation, although he thinks her behavoir at the wedding was inexusable....but we all have bad days, right?

I let this go....it comes up again....I let it go....it comes up again.
So what am I attached to?  I guess the "family" I though I had, or the loving Sister in Law I thought I had. The one I thought I had before I found out differently.
It's all so very STUPID really....but the dis about Thanksgiving dinner is pretty amazing.

So, the question remains: say something and get this festering wound some air?  Keep letting it go til I don't care about it?

Say: "I noticed you were angry at the wedding....do you want to talk about it?" I have seen her EXPLODE on someone...you have never seen such anger and bile...so why would I welcome that?

Say: "I haven't talked to you in a while...how's it going?"

See the thing is: I think in an adult relationship, people should be honest and should talk directly TO each other, not expect the other person to get why they are mad...or even that they are mad.  So am I basically doing the same thing.. by not talking to her?  But on one hand, I don't really want to acknowledge that she had any power over my wedding day, or my having bad memories of it..... yet that's true... AND I really don't think she has a legitimate reason TO be mad at me... I didn't do anything wrong!

Is this just me wanting everyone to love me??? Usually, I call everyone on Thanksgiving. I won't call my brother's house today, though.  So that's a little sad....why am I such a chicken???

I must add that it makes me sad for my daughter, as we will be moving to that area next summer, and she has visions of hanging out with her aunt and uncle, etc. My brother is super nice....he just won't "cross" his wife...and he has enough crap on his plate now.

Bit of a rant, sorry... Love some food for thought (yup, it's Thanksgiving)

[Bewildered]

Wow! Tough situation . ButI am not really clear about whether YOU have been invited or not as an individual. You post says that new hubbty is temporarily living someplece else and that he has a sick mom. Have you been approached to attend T/Giving ordid the drop your husband of the list and you with him?

[mum]

hi, Be.  My husband lives close by most of my family on the east coast. I am temporarily still living far away with my children.
The invitation would only have been extended to me if I were traveling there for the weekend (I'm not). So, it would have been interesting to see if I HAD been there, if I would also have been left out. Hmmmm.
If I were invited, it would be pretty hard NOT to also invite my husband.
 
Maybe because our marriage is so unusual....it's not acknowledged?  Previous to our wedding, my husband would go over to their house to visit regularly...they'd go to concerts together, etc...
My sister feels bad, I am sure, as she invited my husband over to her house AFTER dinner at SIL's...(she and her husband are good friends with him).
It just feels funny. My life is pretty complicated, so don't worry if you don't understand. Sometimes I am not sure I do

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Mum

Your brother sounds like my stepdad.  He would never (and still won't) confront and will do "anything for an easy life".  

Your wedding wasn't horrible... you did what you wanted within budget and didn't conform to what your sil wanted.  I see absolutely nothing wrong in that.  Above all you married your wonderful husband who sounds lovely.  I also understand about him working away... my husband works away a fair amount and I know how tough this can be.  I can understand why you were annoyed with her at your wedding too.... We forgot a thank you at ours, the thank you present had somehow got separated from the rest.  The girl in question was in tears in the toilet.  If it had been anyone else, it really wouldn't have mattered but c'est la vie.

I would ask why your husband hasn't been invited though, and that you feel she's very angry towards you.  Can you email her?  Sometimes it's easier over email as you have time to process the information, rather than go with your gut reaction.  Or maybe if you get chance to speak to your brother on his own you could ask him for his perspective on this?

Take care

H&H xx

[write]

well your nice sister invited your husband over, so don't feel too bad for him, like you say he may not have enjoyed more 'emotional daggers' without you there for support if he'd gone to SIL's.

It never ceases to amaze me how family things can be clung to for years by people like your SIL, it's almost what some people live for, I have an aunt like this and she wonders now she's housebound why people don't visit her. I decided when her husband died I had to ignore this side of her, and just write as often as possible and remember some of the kind things she did- even though they were with a controlling intent.

She would have been like that about the wedding too- things have to be done a certain way- 'done properly' she would say, even though most people wouldn't care and would just go along to have a good time.


If your SIL is anything like her, nothing will please her for long, even if you'd done everything she wanted she would have made a deal about something, it's just her way.

Hope you can find ways to keep in touch with your brother without being too manipulated by her.

[Sela]

Hiya Mum:

My two cents, how about this?

1.  What if.... you call their home and wish them a Happy and Peaceful Thanksgiving....just say you were thinking about them and wanted to extend your best wishes?
If she's at all nasty.....ask to speak to your brother?  If you want to call......call.  You don't have to discuss this or anything else.  It can be short and sweet.

2.  You're not being dishonest by not trying to deal rationally with an irrational person.  If she were "normal", you could express your feelings openly and things would work out (but then again.....if she were "normal", there wouldn't have been a problem in the first place eh?).  So don't beat yourself up for not approaching her.  It takes two to tango anyhow and if she were approachable....you wouldn't think twice about it.  Since she is so darn difficult.....it makes sense not to stir the pot.  What good will that do?  Imo, you're doing the right thing by not discussing it.

3.  Maybe the reason you are having a hard time letting it go is because she hurt you (and now your husband...or you through him) and you're processing the pain???  It wasn't necessary to be so bull headed about the caterer.  Most rational people wouldn't make a big stink and certainly wouldn't be shooting daggers of anger at the bride (and groom?) on their special day.  That was mean and selfish and hurtful!!  She may be angry about your brother's illness or she may just be angry.  She's having a big get together and she didn't invite your hubby.  That was downright mean!  What's one more at the table?  What would it have hurt?  She showed you a side of herself you hadn't seen before and destroyed your view of her as a loving sister-in-law.  Maybe you're grieving that loss?  It hurts to lose that view....the hopes of the friendship.....sharing....kindness between you.  You are a kind and loving person Mum.  She isn't.  It's hard for kind and loving people to understand those who aren't and it shocks and hurts the kind, loving people to find out people aren't what they appear.  That hurts.  It's disappointing.  Another loss......discovering the truth.....makes you wonder how she treats your brother in private eh?

Dear Mum.  Please don't fret.  She might cool off in time and become somewhat normal again.  Be glad you haven't moved there and felt real close and invested a lot of yourself in the relationship with her.  At least now, when you do move there, you know what she is capable of and you won't be relying on her for anything.

(((((((((((((Mum))))))))))))

(I know......that sounds pretty lame......but it is a positive right?.....that awareness....even if it hurts).

  Sela

[mum]

Thanks for the replies. I was feeling a bit like a whiny baby in even posting that, ao I appreciate, once again, how kind everyone is on the board. I think you are right, Write....there would have been something...maybe it wouldn't have been me, but something....as I think about it, she is always mad at someone.  I doubt I have ever had a conversation with her where she wasn't bitching about someone.
H&H, thanks. I didn't do anything wrong, and as my husband and children remind me: the point is: you finally married him!!!
Long story....it's not that he's working "away" it's that I cannot move there just yet with my children (exN story...legal mess....soon to be solved).
Sela, you got me in tears. Yes, I am mourning what I thought was a friend.  It does hurt...and my old tape tells me I have to fix it... make everyone happy. I always knew she was controlling but have never been a "direct hit" of hers (others have). Her daughter told me that she didn't worry about anything regarding her wedding "because my mom did it all....and that's ok, we have the same taste".  Well, easy to say, as mom and dad were paying for it.  I guess SIL thought she would do the next "WOW" wedding with mine and I took that from her.
She is "the force to be reckoned with" (she will tell you so).  I guess since I always flew under her radar, I was ok.
And you're right, Sela, I haven't moved there yet, so proximity will be a consideration when I buy a house (or lack of proximity!!).

Thanks. You all are the best.

[Hopalong]

Ditto Sela's thoughts all the way.
I think SIL is one to out-class with courtesy and kindness. Not much other choice.
And she's one you will always need to keep boundaries around, but without letting your distress show (her wedding snit was revealing and this Tgiving rejection seals the deal, she's not nice.)
I'm so sorry for the hurt.
But you may find with practice that you can reduce her in your mind to a PIA prickly relative, and that to extend yourself a little in her direction (like a gracious call now and then) is worth it, so you can stay close to your brother.

Another thought: Perhaps you can plan a few outings with your brother alone, figure out ways to invite him for some special time with you? Maybe if you take any chances for that, too, you'll wind up making the best of a bad bargain.

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hi Mum,
I'm sorry your new life has to be tainted with the inescapable knowledge that your SIL is an un-friend.   You really wish she was not the way she is.  But she is.  You can't go back to that wonderful time when she had not targetted you yet. In any case, then, it was just hanging over your head anyway.

I would try to maintain a relationship with my brother as best I could, and just ignore her inappropriate behavior.  If she says things, just act as if she didn't.   I do this with my mom.  If she makes a hostile remark, I just go on as if she hadn't said anything.  Only acknowledge the behavior you want to exist.

I hope this is helpful.   It's awful to have this as a consideration when you're moving and building a new life.
Plucky

[mum]

I think SIL is one to out-class with courtesy and kindness.

Only acknowledge the behavior you want to exist.

Excellent advice, Hoppy and Plucky. Thank you.

[Sela]

Hi Mum:

I'm sorry I got you in tears.........wait a minute

No I'm not.

Good!!  It's good to cry and let the hurt out.  I'm glad that happened!!  I hope it helped.

(even though crying is no fun.....it's that release thingy....it usually helps and it's waaaaaaay better than keeping it in where it might settle and take hold and ferment itself into anger).

And ya.......buy a house on the other side of town, when the time comes.    You don't need friends like her Mum.  You'll make plenty of nice friends.  She's just a mosquito.

  Sela

[mum]

yeah, it's funny , Sela.
 I started thinking about her today, and feeling a little compassion. Her kids have grown...she never really had a job outside her home, except briefly, and she lives in the same well to do suburb she grew up in. She really doesn't have any validation outside of that. She manages my brother's business accounts, from home, and unfortunately, my mother's finances, as my brother is her power of attorney.. (so she knows all our family financial stuff).  Other than that, she has nothing to relate to except other wealthy, middle aged, bored housewives in the same boat.  Which sounds really nice...and easy....but I guess it must not be very fulfilling.  Accumulating stuff and hosting parties only goes so far.

The wedding she planned for her middle daughter was one of those from a magazine, and the expense must be making her feel some guilt, as my brother is working soooo hard to make it up.  But it gave her purpose for a while. My wedding was suppose to do that for her too, I guess. She really must not have a lot to look forward to.

And now her husband is dealing with a pretty bad disease.  She has made it clear that she resents my mom's slow demise (as my brother sees my mom every day) and she blames that on my sister (huh?...my brother cannot make his own decisions?).  Her own parents are aging....and again, yeah, we are all in that sad shape at our age...but she must feel so much anger (at least that's what's leaking out).

I have always worked...and made my own way. I have parented alone for most of my children's lives.  I relate to sooo many people every day, so I feel fortunate to see a little more of life, and I think see a balance of things that she must not see.
I guess there is so much of her "deal" I simply cannot relate to. In my "world" the things that matter are very different.
 '
I know this doesn't excuse rude behavoir, but at least I can feel a bit of softness toward her, or at least make some more sense of it.
And yeah, other side of town....or even a nearby town is what we are after now.  Seriously. So in a way, I am glad it happened...or we might be neighbors (ooooh!!!)

[mudpuppy]

Hey mum,

Her kids have grown...she never really had a job outside her home, except briefly, and she lives in the same well to do suburb she grew up in. She really doesn't have any validation outside of that. She manages my brother's business accounts, from home, and unfortunately, my mother's finances, as my brother is her power of attorney.. (so she knows all our family financial stuff).  Other than that, she has nothing to relate to except other wealthy, middle aged, bored housewives in the same boat.  Which sounds really nice...and easy....but I guess it must not be very fulfilling.

No offense mum old friend, but that seems kind of patronizing. I mean, I know a lot of stay at home mom's who don't act like your SIL and a few who do, but I also know a lot of working women who don't act like your SIL and a few who do.

I believe people like your SIL are unhealthy to begin with and the symptoms appear as boredom and materialism regardless of their circumstance. Except in extreme circumstances, a healthy person appears healthy wherever they are and vice versa for the unhealthy.
Cosmopolitanism and travel only broaden the mind of those whose mind can be broadened. Some of the kindest people in the world have never been fifty miles from where they were born and don't know fifty people. Some of the nastiest have been all over the world and have a rolodex a foot thick.
Its good to have compassion for your SIL, but I'm not sure your reasoning is too kind toward other people in her position who aren't like her.
Not trying to be a pain, just saying what I think. No offense, I hope.

mud

[mum]

No offense mum old friend, but that seems kind of patronizing. I mean, I know a lot of stay at home mom's who don't act like your SIL and a few who do, but I also know a lot of working women who don't act like your SIL and a few who do.

No offense taken, Mud. I see your point exactly, and I couldn't agree more. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone either. Sorry if I hit a nerve. Circumstance/lifestyle doesnt' matter at all.  Didn't intend to make this a global statement about women who don't work, not one bit.  My mom never worked outside the home....and she was not a mean person because of that.
I can see where it may have sounded like a generalization. I meant it to mean my SIL only, and it was judgemental and probably not fair.
My intention was to say I don't see we have too much of a common ground and my values might be very different because of my very different life experience. But values come from a lot of things, so I see what you are saying.

Oh, and just so you know, I haven't been a whole lot of anywhere....and I'm not sure I've ever had a rolodex.  And I, too, know some horrifically mean women who travel the world....Does that nullify my conclusions of my SIL? Maybe.

[mudpuppy]

Hi mum,

I'm sure your conclusions were right on the money, I just was questioning the cause.
And as a matter of fact I wasn't taking it personally, my wife's life has paralleled your's more than your SIL's.

BTW, is it for sure that you can leave the desert next summer and go back home? If so, you must be just a tad bit excited.

mud