Block Sender Stories HERE!

[Hopalong]

I have had so many different times when I've had to BATTLE to not write emails (in my case, that was the most common struggle) to people I knew I needed to let go of. But there have also been times when I needed to block people out.

I think it's boundary practice, and there's something peculiarly disembodied about email, more than a letter, much more than the phone--that creates a new kind of sort of unclear boundary to deal with. But it does seem to be a hard decision. It's like firmly closing a door. (You don't even want to know about the times I peeked in my Deleted items folder just to see...)

I do notice people here, too, getting hooked by email...anybody want to talk about it?

Hopalong

[CeeMee]

I've done it only once and that was very difficult but necessary.  My younger brother  was going through a very hostile period sending hateful emails to me and later to the rest of the family.  I realized later that he wasn't well, but at the time, it was sickening to check my inbox.  My stomach wrenched and tied up into a knot.  At the start, I kept every signle post as a record of all that had transpired between us (people have  a way of re-writing history whether knowingly or not).    Later I came to realize how pointless this dialogue was and stopped writing and then blocked his address just so I wouldn't have to see his posts in my box and wonder what vile poison was inside.  Eventually, I was even able to delete my entire file of all his hate letters.  I realized that I didn't need to preserve these facts.  People believe what they want to believe regardless.  Once I was no longer a willing participant, he moved on to someone else in the family. 

I think at first I thought I would be unaffected by the emails as long as I didn't respond to them.  I quickly realized that this wasn't so.  It was painful reading the emails and even just seeing the unopened post in my inbox.  I felt his presence even though I couldn't see him or hear him.  Because e-mail transfers so quickly, it is different from a hateful letter which could have been written days ago and time has probably altered what was written then. 

Blocking someone is a very big decision and not one I take lightly (I've only done it once) but it can be very necessary.

CeeMee
 

[Hopalong]

It was painful reading the emails and even just seeing the unopened post in my inbox.  I felt his presence even though I couldn't see him or hear him.

Bingo. That affirms a lot of what I've felt and very clearly. I think part of it is that email is ordinarily either friendlly or innocuous (except for spam)...and creepy exchanges can build up momentum in what first looks like such a "casual" format...

I've had the very same sense--began to feel sucked in by the power of my monitor, that someone could put their face in my Inbox and then I'd have to make that decision. And that backfired because as a writer, I need to make sure my computer is a safe space.

I know it may seem like a huge decision, but I vote for seeing it as less huge. In a way, it's no different than physically turning away from someone who's yelling at you or saying toxic things...or leaving the room. It's the same thing, not allowing an abusive or unhealthy communication to polllute your head.

A person always has the choice to mail you a letter. Which one can read or toss. Or even: didn't Elvis sing "Return to Sender?"

I'm sorry that was such a painful call, CeeMee, but it sure sounds like the right one.

Hopalong

[CeeMee]

And that backfired because as a writer, I need to make sure my computer is a safe space.

Totally agree.  This is where I put my deepest thoughts and  just about every facet of my life is reflected there some how.  To be hesitant to turn it on because some hate mail might be lurking would take away  my greatest pleasures, writing, reading and connecting with the world.

CeeMee

[Sallying Forth]

I've been bouncing emails from undesirable people. What this communicates to the sender is that my email address doesn't exist.

I have only two people who I do this with. My Ndad and my exNfriend.

[stayhuman]

I'm not so bad with emails.However, I have a problem with texts! I just send huge text messages to people I should be letting go of. There is something satisfying about having sent it. I think it might be that they dont really seem real :S
It is all pretty pointless.

I dont really tend to get unwelcome mail. So I guess I am lucky with that for now.

[Sela]

Hi all:

Interesting topic Hoppy!

For me.........I kind of did the exact opposite of what ya'll are saying.

Does blocking your telephone count?

I called up the phone company and ordered "call blocking", pumped in the phone numbers of my abusers and their buddies....and sent a note by snail mail which stated:

"Please do not call my home at this time.  If you have anything to communicate to me, please do so by email or regular mail".

Until reading this thread.....I hadn't thought about what a strong boundary I had put in place.  It just seemed like I did something mean but necessary, at the time.

It's taken awhile to realize it wasn't mean.....it was kind.  I could have said what I was really thinking ( ) and that would not have been very kind at all.  Plus....I had to so something to help myself feel safe....I was shaking every time the phone would ring......waiting for the next nasty call.  It was kind of me NOT to report these people for harassment (or stupid??).  It was kind of me to stop them from hurting me further......kind to me.  Someone had to be kind to me!!  That wasn't just necessary......it was reasonable.

That boundary was a big step.  A major statement.   And it worked.

My abuser(s) tell too many lies to put them in writing.  I've yet to receive an email or a letter.  That would be evidence that would be tough to argue wouldn't it?  No.  They are waaaaaaaaay too smart to put any of that stuff in writing.   There is now a cold silence that suits me fine (other then through the grape vine comments that drift in now and then).  It helped me detach very much.

And the best part......I feel safe.  I can answer my phone.  I can look in mail box or open my emails....and feel comfortable.....no shaking....no fear.  It put a safe distance between my abuser(s) and me.

I'm a big fan of "BLOCK" whatever.  If it puts up a wall that helps you feel safe and keeps people from invading your space, from causing you hurt or harm, from upsetting you......go for it.

It can always be turned off later, if that seems reasonable.

  Sela

[write]

it's interesting I rarely answer the telephone for years now- then created an easy way in for abusers/disturbers of the peace  by email!

It really was quite obsessive the way I used email for a while, checking every time I came in, and writing huge reams of letters.

Now if I feel the urge to emote by email I tend to come on here and read/ post.

I can think of a couple of relationships which went on longer because of email...

I have actually put more distance between myself and most people, I really need to be safe and just be myself right now, find my own level, decide how much medication I am going to need, what things bother me etc.

Emails/ phone calls can be really upsetting and spoil an otherwise peaceful day.
I wasn't impressed by a call from a friend last month which degenerated into an attack from her because she says I'm too negative about the US and patriotism...she was really angry with me, it came out of nowhere, and left me drained. For nothing. It sounds selfish but anyone who wants my time right now has to accept- I am recovering, I am prioritising me, and I don't want any superfluous emotion! It's going to be a big part of living with Bipolar to accept this and to know my own limits and limitations.

Block sender for my own neurons!

[Hopalong]

Stay, I can relate. I'm VERY glad I've moved past my Glen Close period. I never text anyone since I don't have a cell phone...but I do know the feeling of compulsively emailing someone who clearly doesn't give a crap. It has been a long time, now, thank God. But I remember how horribly compulsive and out of control and pathetic and addicted I felt while doing that. ICK. At the end of my last relationship (with my last N) I told him not to email me and it worked... I also am very, very wary of using too  much email in a new relationship with a man. I really DON'T want a real-time relationship to be built thru email...I am so prone to fantasy, ignoring red flags, and creating fictions anyway, that I can get sucked into the typing and get hooked by who's answered or not and what's the meaning of that ... or this ... and somehow in several relationships I've been in, email turned into a way to stay DISTANT, rather than connected. It's like, with the phone, you have at least a real-time voice. With email, I'd get these vague little noncomittal teases about when I was going to next see the love object...and it would hook me in my most vulnerable place. So now I try to make it a practice to limit long email correspondence in dating relationships. I'd rather SEE them, TALK to them, find out who they are in REALITY. And if they're not turning up, regularly and reliably, in reality, then it ain't real! (Who knew!)

Sela, sure call blocking counts! That was such an intelligent self-rescue. You had a pile of people to keep away and you went about it so rationally. Awesome.

Email's new boundary land that seems to somehow enter a new emotional "place". These anecdotes and thoughts are really helpful. Thanks all for sharing them. More!

Hopalong

[stayhuman]

Hopalong-I know exactly what you mean. The only way I can ever get a sense of how someone is really feeling or what is really going on is by talking to them in person. However,some people do not agree with that and I find it only makes things worse.

I have recently been told off, in quite a mean way I may add, for texting someone a little too much.  I guess that was an example of me crossing that person's boundaries, which I shouldn't have.  It is hard not to start feeling like a stalker though. I just dont get why some people dont reply and then it could all be sorted out. I need communication!

I think from now on if I ever need to tell someone something it should be via the phone or in person. yes!

[j_stice]

The first thing people do as part of the break up period is to delete the contact with an individual who you no longer want to associate is to delete their contact details from you phone, mobile phone and e-mail. This thereby prevents you contacting them. This is was I was told and I may be wrong but the fact you still may remember of have their contact details demonstrates some desire to be linked to them in some way (either subconciouslessly or conciously).

SO my next question is why have their details in the first place? Is there something that these people have of yours? I mean if you have children I understand but why else would you want to either have someone contact this person or possibly give yourself the opportunity to contact these people. I could understand if there were children, a business or something like that, but I still don't understand.

[j_stice]

Hi stayhuman,

The reason people don't reply because they may not want contact with you (not that is not always a good thing for you). It may not be helpful for you emotionally getting closure or to find out what you could have done better (yes I tried to have that conversation with my prior mentioned ex but it never worked), alternatively, it also doesn't help you to better understand how to improve relationships. But it may be necessary to prevent anger, aggression, frustration or sometimes further pain from the person! (I know I would have liked the insight she could have offered but the cost may have been too great!) On the other hand it could be because their phone is disconnected!

I do agree with what you say about texts and texting other because it is very impersonal and easily taken out of context and I also agree with the talking over the phone or in person is better because you can get an understanding both by asking them to explain the context and also tell by the tone of their voice!

[stayhuman]

j_stice:

You are right-hanging on to someone's contact details does mean that you desire to be linked to them.  Unless you are completely over it and know that you can maintain a healthy friendhsip with the person then it does seem dangerous to hang on to their details.

I guess the person in question does not have anything of mine as such. However, I still feel an emotional attachment and find it very difficult just to end all contact. This has always been something I have found difficult-once I get past a certain point with someone.  It does not really make any sense and since being told by the person in question that my contact was not welcome I have deleted his details and do not plan to make any future contact.

I guess I was trying to gain a better understanding of what happened with my ex. Not only that but I wanted him to validate me and I knew it but I could not stop myself. Add to that strong feelings for the person and it does not bode well. I kept trying to meet up with him in person but he would not reply, and I guess that means he wasn't interested, although he would often say how he wanted us to be friends.

Just to add something interesting to the mix- this person actually broke up with me VIA text message. I got offended at something he had said Via text, he got annoyed at me and promptly called everything off. When we met up a few weeks later we both agreed that what we had said had been taken totally out of context and that we had just communicated really badly. And THAT is because text messages are so impersonal and it is impossible to tell anything from them, as you say. GRR, this is one reason why I do not want to rely on these forms of technology anymore when it comes to relationships. Still, the damage was done and it is time to move on..

 

[stayhuman]

Just to add:

I respect people's right not to reply to an email or to decide that they do not want contact with you. This is something that I think everybody has the right to do. Certainly, I know some people whom I would not want to talk to if they contacted me and I would not hesitate to set that boundary.

My problem was that I had had a relationship with the person and I was still attached. Since the person has set his boundaries with me I am not going to try to break them.

However, it would have been nice to have been informed in a construtive way, rather than yelled at.:S

[Hopalong]

Hey Stay,
In response to an loooong impassioned protesting email about our relationship, my next-to-next-to-last N (I know, slow learned, but I GOT it) wrong me a cruel harangue that basically said (roared, if you can roar by email): RELATIONSHIP? WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

I had gotten well past a certain point...and the hurt was devastating. He was my hit-bottom point, and even though there were two more Ns in fairly quick succession after that, I was slowly getting it. I got untangled from one after just 2 months with only a few after-hiccups of contact, and though the last one lasted a year, once I woke up that was THAT. I am actually repelled by him now, and hope that new sensation extends to any future Ns I run into when I date again.
(Would've been a healthier person's first response anyway.)

This sounds like a bit off topic and partly is, but in with both those Ns, a whole lot of the "relationship" was my actually feeling fairly voiceless (strange for a chatterbox, but absolutely true once I am intimate with someone)...and compensated for that by conducting so much of my yearning and affection and contacting by writing----emails. I really needed to block MYSELF. So that's why I have an aversion to heavy dependence on email for communication now. I make myself (with men, anyway, not here!) keep it much shorter and more to the point than I did before...and less revealing, too. I'd rather reveal and connect in real life...

Make sense?
Hopalong