breaking up w an n

[crimson989]

My N broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 7 year relationship.  I am sick of his emotional abuse and am ready to move on.  The problem is, anytime we have broken up in the past (regardless of who initated it), he eventually becomes depressed and obsessively wants to get back with me.  Last night he contacted me and wanted to stop by. I of course said no.  He has gotten a new job and a new car, so I was hoping he would just leai\ve me alone thinking he is better off without me, but I worry that in the next few weeks he will start bothering me more often.  Any advice on how I can turn him off?  I am afraid that if I ignore him completely he will start calling me at work, and I have a professional job.  Also if I am too mean he will become vindictive.  How do I convince him I am no longer a source of narcissistic supply and get him to abandon me?

[Plucky]

Congratulations Crimson!
If he is an N, I think it is a sure thing that he will try you at work.    You might want to notify someone there that a person pretending to be your husband is stalking you, or whatever story you need to tell in order to head off the damage.

If you stick to your guns about no contact, he will learn slowly by experience that no supply is forthcoming and give up.  That's how it ought to work, anyway.

Good luck
Plucky

[write]

Hi Crimson

I used to fantasise that ex n-h would meet someone else and just go away and have someone else take care of him!

But in the end I told him I thought he had npd and needed therapy.
He hit me and was very verbally abusive and I told him to move out.
He refused and I asked him to meet me one lunchtime to look at an apartment, he took it and moved next weekend, also made an appointment to see a therapist.
I was like a broken record on those two things- moving out and see a therapist.

The first few months were really hard, he was alternately pleading, unpleasant, threatened to take my son etc. But he did like the therapist and she seemed to help him modify some of his behaviour and to accept some part of his real self. It emerged that he had a tremendous sense of shame, she really helped him with that.

I also had a lot of illness and he had to grow up a bit and keep family things together. He once said my illness was his fault, maybe feeling guilty in a positive way helped.

I was finally able to set some boundaries with him, but even now from time to time he'll do something really N.

I would never try to live with him but I love him and we have the best relationship I think we could under the circumstances.

I've had tons of therapy too.

One thing that happened early on after he moved out, he was bullying me & threatening and I just snapped, I remember crying and suddenly not caring, I told him to do what he had to do; from that moment I was never afraid of him and I think he knew it, and it deflated him, he no longer had that hold on me. The first time i called a therapist I remember whispering, I don't know what I thought would happen but I'd lived in fear for so long.

A good starting point is find yourself a therapist, then you can work out why you're in a  relationship with him / how to move on etc

I personally wouldn't bother trying to explain npd to most people around you- other people's responses are often incredulous or unhelpful. Unless someone's been there they probably won't get it.

You can probably screen calls at work with some excuse.

Take care.

[Chicken]

Ya, i echo Write, just act like a broken record.  Keep saying the same thing and eventually he will go away.  Don't change tactics, don't try new things.  Settle on one approach and repeat.  He should get it into his thick head eventually.

My sympathies are with you, it's a horrible situation to be in.  I was in the same position a couple of months ago, and now i am finally rid of him, but it took a lot of energy and time...  stick with it and you will reap the rewards