Need help in dealing with anger about N mother and grandmother

[joegee]

Guys:
I am brand new to the board and find your posts very helpful.  I am also boiling with rage over recognition of what my parents have done.  My cheeks are literally beet red, which used to happen any time I had a confronation with my mother.

My mom, aunt, and grandmother are class A Ns.  They have all married cowardly husbands who dare not question anything they do.  They are destructive, abusive human beings who make life a living hell for everyone they come in contact with.  At various times all have been estranged from their children when any hint of dissention occurs

Its been over three years since I have spoken a word to my parents.  That day they stormed off and cursed me and my wife in front our our children (then four and one year old) on my son's birthday.  This was because they had been infomed that my sister would be attending my son's birthday party later that day.  They had disowned her years before because she married someone they did not approve of.  They did not attend her wedding, the birth of her children, ect.  I foolishly asked my sister to not attend my older son's Christening because they had threatened not to attend.  For my younger son's Christening my sister was the godmother and my parents and the rest of my oddball family did not attend in protest.  We had just patched that up in time for my son's 4th birthday.  Since the incident they have never made an attempt to contact me in any way

My older son (now 7) was very confused at their absence, until it seemed the memory of them had started to fade.  When he saw them at my brother's child's Baptism he did not recognize them, but asked me about them again a few days later.  I told them we had a disagreement and they are very mad and are not speaking to our family.

Since then my 7 year old has anxiety about going to bed at night.  He finally told us he was afraid we would leave while he was sleeping and not come back.  I am so ashamed I messed this up and began to scar my child as a result of my incompetence.  We had seen counselors who could not think of a better way to handle this.  Thank goodness my little one does not remember them.

Question - How do I get over my anger?  I know I am better off without them.  They are destructive, toxic people who have disrespected me and my wife.  I just can't get over the weirdness of having no relations with my own parents.  It seems so unnatural, and I almost envy other adults who have their parents to lean on and grandparents for their children.  I mean even most convicted rapists can usually find sympathy in their own parents!!!!  The real tragedy is that so many of our friend's parents are sick or deceased.  Here are my parents in perfect health, and who have lost three full years of seeing my kids grow up.

[Plucky]

Hi joegee,
I felt this too, for a long time.  But there are more people whose grandparents are not interested than you think.  Also, which is better - contact with those sickos or no contact?

The anger will work out gradually.  You cannot erase it at will.  You can talk about it and get your feelings out.  Sometimes there is more unacknowledged information in the back of your mind that continues to make you angry after you think you have dealt with what you know and acknowledge.  Talking it out, or posting it out, helps bring these things forward.  Also, I have had others bring up things on the board that I had completely forgotten or had not noticed the significance of.   I had a huge amount of anger when I first came up here and it is so much better.

The loss is theirs.   And they will never know it.

Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Joegee

Welcome to the board.... As the others have said anger is a healthy sign.

With regards to letting go of the anger, I feel that this comes from accepting that they will never change, and accepting you will never have the family support you wish for.  For me, I also say to myself that although they deserve my anger, I deserve better than to keep being angry.  I also try to think of it this way... if someone has MS or something similar, I would feel sorry for them because they are sick.  These people are disordered of the mind, they are sick... I feel this stops me trying to rationalise their behaviour and maybe helps with acceptance.  I would like to stress that I'm not saying anything they have done in the past is acceptable, or giving an excuse... just ways which I feel help me.

I won't pretend I'm fully there yet myself, but some days I do genuinely feel sorry for them, and also for myself for not having the loving parents who would love me unconditionally, but personally I do feel better myself feeling sorry for them than feeling angry with them.

Not sure if this helps or not, but I hope so.

Take care

H&H xx

[Sallying Forth]

Question - How do I get over my anger?  I know I am better off without them.  They are destructive, toxic people who have disrespected me and my wife.  I just can't get over the weirdness of having no relations with my own parents.  It seems so unnatural, and I almost envy other adults who have their parents to lean on and grandparents for their children. 

Hi Joegee,

Your anger is healthy and the first step towards healing. It is the beginning of your journey of grieving your loss.

Reading, writing, and counseling have all been helpful for me. It took time to come to the acceptance that my parents and brother would never be healthy people to have in my life. I haven't seen them in 7 years and have no intention of ever rekindling the relationship. It is a strange feeling knowing there is no family of origin for me.

However I also feel this forum has become my family. And when I return to church that will be another family for me.

There are several book recommendations on the What Helps portion of this board.

[Plucky]

One more thing,
Most of us took years to store up this anger.  The long years of childhood and young adulthood.  Now, older and wiser, we can feel the anger because we now have some tools to understand it and deal with it, and it will not make us fall apart.

Think of it as an infrastructure holding up your personality.  It took a long time to build it, piece by angry piece.  It will take a long time to dismantle it

Happy trails
Plucky

[wally]

Hi Joegee,

Apparently your parent's agenda is more important than human beings, been there, and still there.  The only reason that my mother wanted me so adamantly to go to church (among other things) is so that she would feel better and look good to others.  I was, and am so angry, but she doesn't know, and perhaps because of her N world will never.  Infact if they do know they only use it as ammunition for the next ambush.  I am sorry about your pain.
     My parents either play dumb as if they never did anything wrong, or they are just oblivious to the pain that they continue to spread.  At any rate the anger keeps me in remembrance that they are not going to heal, as many times as I thought that would happen (them healing) just to be made for a new and harder lesson.  I know that my children cannot have an unsupervised visit, nor for any substantial amount of time.  I am always just "too busy", and the kids have "many activities" as well.  Ive learned from experience that if I address the issue(s) head on it makes for months of drama.
     The anger will heal with time as it always does.  You are well warranted in yours.  I share some of your anger as well, hope that you can use some of your energy to construct healthy defenses for your little family as well as yourself.

Godbless,

Wally

[Portia]

Hiya Joe

I just can't get over the weirdness of having no relations with my own parents.  It seems so unnatural, and I almost envy other adults who have their parents to lean on and grandparents for their children.

It does seem weird I guess because we’re taught and trained to expect our parents to be at least okay; society protects parents to a greater extent than children I’m afraid.

If more prominent people spoke openly about parenting and their childhoods maybe we’d have less of a social norm to screw us up.

It does seem unnatural and it is unnatural –because your parents are unnatural in as much as they can’t love their own children. That doesn’t mean your reaction is unnatural or wrong – quite the opposite. In protecting your own children from your parents, you are showing natural parenting traits!  Just because they are as they are doesn’t mean it’s your fault too. Not having a relationship with you is their problem – not yours.

It’s okay to envy healthy parent/child relationships you see around you. In fact it’s good! It shows that you know what a good relationship looks like! Your parents don’t. I'm sorry.

[darky]

i understand your anger, i get it too. i have 2 children with a disability and there have been days i have got really angry as to why i dont have a loving caring mother i can call upon to help, understand and listen. im quite new to this, the pain and anger for me is still quite raw.she not only disowned me, my sister, but the children too, we became nothing and no-one, we cease to exist, i could just about handle my rejection, but her rejecting the kids with the excuse "you are poisen, so your kids will be" was very hard to accept.

  BUT now, i just satisfy myself with the knowledge that even if i did have a relationship with my mum, she wouldnt be there anyway! she would have been critical, put me down and make me feel even more pathetic than i already do. in a sense, i now feel grateful she disowned me before she was able to manipulate and mess with my head more than she did. i got out while i still got feeling, and so did you. isnt that something to be grateful for?

[wally]

Amen Darky.