More weblies....

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

I let myself down and had a look at dad's websh*t again over Christmas... however I was quite interested to read this....

I don't have any Christmas stories from this year, except I did spend the day with my boating friends, who I've been to Boston with, and even into the Wash this last year. I usually just use the day to enjoy a world, void of the people who spoil it, and are sleeping off their excesses at home, leaving me to enjoy this world in peace. However more people seem to be about these days. I was also generously entertained on Christmas eve by a young Polish migrant worker, who now has her new partner and son here. Of all the people I know, it was this generous young woman who visited earlier in the year, to help me spring clean my house. If I do this myself I risk hurting myself (which in fact did happen) as I overdid it once again. So I now have a (semi) respectable house again for the first time in 10 years.

The "polish migrant worker" was staying at his, when he came to stay with us last time... in November last year.  This generous woman who selfishly helped to spring clean his house.... well.  The real story is that she was 8 months pregnant at the time, and didn't have anywhere to stay.  His friend (her boyfriend) asked n bio dad to help out by letting her stay with him because she had no where to go.  N bio dad wasn't keen but said she could stay and it would be handy for him to have someone to spring clean his house.  So there she was 8 months pregnant and cleaning his house, running around after him.  Her boyfriend found her somewhere else to stay while he was at ours and she had left his house when he returned.  Another case of rewriting history!  I feel sorry for this girl already.... another nice person that he thinks he can get something from.

I did speak to my hubby about reading his weblies but H thinks that I'm not hurting anyone and he said at least it still shows me the reason why I put no contact into place.  So merry christmas and a happy new year to n bio dad.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

H & H hon,
Well you did say you "let yourself down" by site-seeing...but then said your H gave you permission to look anyway.

I think what matters is to keep on finding out what H & H wants, deep inside.

It depends on if after you look at NDad's website it leaves you feeling bruised, hurt, going in painful old circles.

A good honest question to ask yourself. It's not whether looking at his site can be rationalized. Of course it can (who wouldn't be curious or repeatedly drawn to evidence of a painful parent like that? I know I would.)

But I have a hunch the real issue is to truuuuuuly ask yourself, how does this make me feel? If I were my own loving sister, what would I tell myself about the compulsion?

If you know it's not disturbing you, then look away. But do try to ask yourself ... am I being loving to myself when I look?

There is no wrong answer.

Love,
Hopalong

[write]

I admit to peeking at a former bf's site too, and being more than reassured that I did the right thing in breaking away from him totally- he's in a Mitty fantasy world!

I did wonder if I was becoming obsessive about him, but then i hear about him from mutual contacts anyway...

I feel it's given me closure, he seemed so special, so promising & I was wondering why I always screw relationships up...but 'what a knob' as we used to say in the vernacular in england!

Maybe you could print that out H & H, and refer to it whenever your in self-doubt

xox

[Marta]

H&H, I think your husband is right. May be reading his weblies keeps you from initiating contact with them. Besides, just because we don't maintain contact with our toxic family doesn't mean that we can severe these ties. You also probably need a sense of connection with your dad, to know what he's doing, how he's doing, and reading his website probably does that for you.

Take care, Marta

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya ((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Write))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Marta)))))))))))))

Many thanks for your responses.  I've thought a lot about what you have all said.  It's a good idea of yours, Write to print some of this out.

Hoppy... I've tried to think about me, about how I feel and I really just don't know.  I read his website and get to know what he's doing but it doesn't make me feel happy.  I don't read and it still doesn't make me feel happy, so I read because it makes me feel a little less uncaring.  I really am in a no win situation.  Though maybe some of these questions could be applied to yourself too hon... what does Hoppy want?  Maybe the reasons why you look after your Mum are in some ways the same reasons why I look at the website?

Some days I just wish he didn't exist (isn't that a terrible thing to say?)... but I can't pretend he doesn't exist if that makes any sense.

I really wish I could just feel compassion for him, which on good days I do.  I just wish everyday was a good day.  Though there are the odd times when we are in the same part of cyberspace.  He's logged on and I'm looking as a guest.  No idea it is me, but in an odd way I find it quite comforting.

This is an extract from yesterday's post:-
I say this 'lightheartedly' but it is still true.....and a sad fact on humanity.

"I would like to meet someone better than the worst dog I have ever met. Because I've never met a dog that will betray me, and never met a person who won't"

To have such little faith in humanity is so sad, but I also think about his friends who will read this.  I know if I was his friend I would feel quite hurt that he doesn't think I'm better than the worst dog he's ever met. hmmmmm!

Take care all.

Love H&H xx

[Hopalong]

((((H & H)))))))

I really do understand why you read his site, and sorry I kept prodding.
I'm projecting all over the place.

It's a very fair question: do I care for NMom out of a similar impulse. Absolutely.
Just haven't been able to wipe her off my mental map. (Also I'm dependent, economically, which I hate to admit but is true. But the truth is, even if I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldnt move out or put her in a home. I sure as heck would hire a FT caregiver though. An elder-nanny.)

IOW, I can dish out the "cut yourself free, cut 'em off" advice, but can't take it!

If it comforts you in some way to view him, then you ARE listening to what you want.

Your wisdom about what you need is the wisdom. Nobody else's opinion (even pushy Hops) matters a whit. I think you are understandably sad but super-sane. So I hope that comforts you too.

(I don't think you're terrible for wishing him out of existence. You haven't blown up his filthy boat, and I haven't tossed NMom down the stairs, either.)

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((Hoppy))))))))))))))

Here's to you my friend, for being the fab person you are 

(I don't think you're terrible for wishing him out of existence. You haven't blown up his filthy boat, and I haven't tossed NMom down the stairs, either.)
Don't give me ideas!!!!! (joke!) 

Love H&H xx