13 yr old is cutting her body need advise

[onlyrenting]

I would like some thoughts about cutting.

My D is 13 and admitting she has cut her arms and legs. I wonder if it's all about attention.
She says it's not and she can't stop. I asked her why she would do this she won't say.
He N-dad writes her 3 times a week, I have to screen the letters but he e-mails her and can call her anytime.
He will tell her how bad I am and how he is not healthy with more back surgeries in the near future.
I don't know it its the communication from him and her not knowing what to do with her pain so she cuts.
I'm looking for what may help her stop.

Will exercise help to pump up the endorphines??

I had taken her to a T, to help deal with the divorce, she admitted then what she had been doing for over 1 year.  She said a girl on "The New World " was cutting, so she tried it and now can't stop.

The T, has not put her on meds but tried music with headphones to help with stress.

After the she first admitted what she was doing, she said she stopped but I found yesterday she had a mark on her arm.  She keep very busy with friends and says she know other kids that do the same.


Appreciate any advise...   OR

[solayads]

Hello Onlyrenting:

I know of other cases of young girls who cut themselves.  What it amounts to is she is resorting to physical pain to relieve herself of emotional anguish.  Cutting provides a form of distraction and a sense of relief from the "sting" of her emotional trauma.  Her father might really be stressing her out by unloading his problems and issues on her.   She cannot handle it, she is only 13.

You may be able to counteract some of the damage he is inflicting on her psychologically by getting her to confide in you what her father is telling her.  Also let her father know what he is doing to his daughter (if you haven't already).  Don't argue with him, just be very blunt about.

After you find out what is on her mind, and she confides in you what she is hiding, it will help her to  alleviate some of her disquieting thoughts.

It will take some time, but rechanneling her pain into words will help.  The more she talks, the less she will cut.......you'll see the difference.

Keep us posted.


Solayads

[andromeda]

I too was a cutter, and started at the same age, started at 12, continued on and off through 15. (I'm now 34).

I had an N-ish mom.

As a teen, and younger, my parents did not allow me to have my own emotional space. They did not honor my emotional expressions. I did not know how voice my confused emotions. Additionally, they did not listen to me when I asserted what I wanted.

Cutting was a way of releasing otherwise unexpressable potboiler of emotional turmoil. Cutting was a private activity that asserts ownership of ones body, one's boundaries...Cutting, for me, was also a way for me to reenact how my boundaries were routinely violated by family members.

Think about it: your skin is your boundary with the world. The act of cutting onesself makes perfect sense if, psycologically, one feels like one doesn't have skin. The pain from cutting is a real reminder that I have a boundary, somewhere, and this time, I'm the one violating it...

Let her be who she is. This means, allow her emotional privacy. DON'T pry and ask her why she's doing it, she probably doesn't understand herself. DON'T ask her what she talks about with her therapist.

Instead, think about how concerned you are, and express that. NOT in a "Stop that you're hurting me" way - my mom tried that, it didn't do anything, it turned the conversation into being about her feelings.

Common sense points at the N-parent (what patterns of controlling/boundary violating behavor were there before?  That set the stage for her to be in this place now...) but also other stressors in her life may be influencing her behavior.  Part of it, for me, was also about dealing with all the powerful changes my body was going through, that nobody was discussing, in my family. Mom handed me a book and walked away. I felt totally alone and subject to everything my body was doing. Also the stress at school, and being treated as a sex object by boys and even adult men, was horrible for me. That was my stress. Your daughter's stress may be totally different.

My advice: Just spend non-pressured time together, talk about other stuff, hang out. Respect her boundaries as much as you can. Talk to your therapist about your fears of the consequences of your exN's behaviors on your child, so that you don't project your fears onto her. Let go. 

You can't control how she's acting out. You can provide a nourishing, nurturing home environment where SHE can set the boundaries with her N-father, where her voice can be heard.

The cutting is just a symptom of something else. Work with the something else, and the cutting will go away.

Good luck and god bless...

Andromeda

[roaring dad]

I used to teach 8th grade (13 and 14 year olds).  Several of my students were cutters.  People often mistakenly say that kids cut because they hate themselves and want to hurt themselves.  But from my experience it is the opposite.  Many kids say that they feel better after cutting.  Self abuse and self injury are outlets for a teen to release the tension of extreme emotion, pressure or trauma..  Other times kids start cutting after a loss or major trauma in their life.  They say that they feel numb, and cutting is the only time that they feel anything.

It may not beanything to do with her father.  It could just be teen angst without healthy ways to deal with it.  Most kids who cut tend to feel like loners and like they don't fit in anywhere.

Keep her talking.  Help her find ways to vent her pent up emotions like physical activity, talking, hobbies, therapy.

Be VERY careful about what music she is listening to.  Head phones tend to make her isolate herself.  It will only have a negative effect.  Also a lot of music today glamorizes cutting.  Emo, goth, and hard core heavy metal tend to be the worst.  Several musicians cut onstage and sing about it.  Marilyn Manson, Fiona Apple, Richey Edwards, have all admitted to cutting.
pages to look at
http://anthology.self-injury.net/section/music.php
http://self-injury.net/doyousi/famous/

[mum]

hi, OR.
I can only imagine your own pain and fear in finding you child in such a situation. I wish I had solid advice for you, but I have only known one cutter in my life and I cannot draw any comparisons that might help you.
Please know that I am sending you both love, light and healing, and I will keep you in my heart.

[Marta]

Oh my god OR,

Just when it seemed like you were gaining a victory over that jerk, he uses your child to get to you.

I DONT think taht she's doing it for attention, for god's sake. I think you have to be very, very careful in your relationship with your D and how you talk to her about her father. She may not be ready to hear the full truth.

She sounded like such a sweet and gentle kid. I feel for you both. Hang in there and with your love you will set things right.

Marta

[roaring dad]

Cutters very rarely do it for attention.  As Andromeda said, it is something private.  They go to great lengths to hide it.  One of the signs of cutting is wearing long sleeves (to cover the wounds) all the time in the summer.

[Plucky]

Hi OR,
all I know about cutting I learned from this board but there are also some books out there.  I've got no practical advice.  Maybe someone can recommend some reading.  I'm sorry this had to crop up but I applaud you for not ignoring it or hoping it goes away on its own.    There's no rest for the weary, is there?  Sending you warmth and strength.
Plucky
PS the communications from your X sounds completely inappropriate.  Is there anything you can do about the emails or calls?  Can you politely advise your daughter that she is not obligated to accept communication from anyone if she does not want to?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi OR

I really feel for you.  This must be such a difficult thing to deal with and also to know what to do for the best.

I agree with the others, that she's not doing it for attention... that it is a symptom of an emotional problem.

Can you talk to a GP or ring her therapist to find out the best way to deal with it?

As I grew up with a N dad who was divorced from Mum, there is the possibility that it may not be N dad, that it may be other things going on in her life, like something at school maybe?  The other thing that concerned me, coming from someone with divorced parents, is screening his letters.  My Mum used to read my letters and I felt violated, that it wasn't her place to read them.  What happens to letters that you feel is inappropriate?  Does she see these letters?  This may sound odd, but I feel that you are possibly not allowing her to make up her own mind.  I feel that you could still keep the lines of communication open, by ensuring she has the option to come to you if she doesn't like something he's said, then that may be a better way to approach it.

Take care

H&H xx

[andromeda]

Be VERY careful about what music she is listening to.  Head phones tend to make her isolate herself.  It will only have a negative effect.  Also a lot of music today glamorizes cutting.  Emo, goth, and hard core heavy metal tend to be the worst.  

Please, please don't try to control what music your daughter listens to. Please respect her boundaries. Music is very important to teens. Talk with her about why she likes stuff, listen to it yourself. Emo, goth, and hardcore metal actually provide kids with language for expressing difficult emotions.

If you listen to the music she is listening to, you might get a window onto what she's feeling right now.

Andromeda

[solayads]

Hello Everyone:

I must chime in regarding the comments on music.  Some music --- not all-- does draw out some really violent, depressing or even oppressive images in young minds.  Since music appeals to different emotions and can draw out different emotional responses, the power of suggestion could come into play.  The same goes for violent video games.   Who can say that it does not have any effect on kids at all?

Parents really do need to provide guidance; that's guidance, when it comes to the types of entertainment that their kids have.  Kids should not be left alone to raise themselves.  That would be just as abusive.  And since all children are not the same, some need more guidance in certain areas than others.  Again, I'm using the word guidance; not dictatorship.

The teenage years are the most formative and can be the most confusing.  A little healthy direction from a concerned and loving parent(even one parent)  is better than none at all.  A little supportive and helpful conversation can go a long way when presented at the right time.

Sometimes a heart to heart conversation is the only way to reach in and pull a child out of trouble.

Correct me if I'm wrong.......


Solayads

[Hopalong]

I agree, Solyads.
Not into censorship, but I believe our culture has grown more powerfully brutal, and harmful, in its messages, than we are able to imaginatively keep up with.

There's a falling-toward-the-basest-possible kind of direction. It's real, it's a threat to our kids. We've sunk a long way from being prudish and repressive to an all-out assault on young pysches that really CAN'T process all that they're subjected to.

Personally, I think it's all of a piece with war, unbridled agression and greed, blindness to bullying, etc.

Venting is one thing...but there are SO many healthy ways to teach that. Art, dance, CREATING music rather than accepting into your head for hours what's pumped by IPods, artists sponsored by huge corporations who've just picked up that rage is a profit center.

No, don't squash them or teach that anger or sex are "bad." But for godssake, teach them a wide and creative range of human outlets for it...not just those provided by commerce.

My two cents.

Hopalong

[write]

this is an email I sent to a friend about 3 years ago on this topic:


Sorry to hear your niece is having problems.
Not knowing your sister or niece it is hard to speak other than very generally and I apologise in advance if I state the bleedin' obvious or if anything I say doesn't apply to them or sounds half-assed, I don't have time to rewrite it or read this thoroughly, but it might give you some ideas.
 
Yes, I have known many young people cut themselves; it can be one of the more shocking acting-out behaviours for onlookers, as most of us have an automatic reaction of horror to blood and injury.
There's a taboo about it too, people don't often discuss it.
( My brother did it, I never knew until years later, my stupid father said later he thought it was a ritual all boys do! )
 
I always tried to deal with it calmly at work, helping the person clean up and trying to discuss what had happened in the run-up to cutting, particularly the feelings.
 
As you probably know self-injury is an attempt to deal with emotional distress or pain: it's a release.
People who do it have issues of insecurity, poor self-image and self-worth and unresolved anger.
Self-injury occurs on a continuum, from a short-lived episode drawing attention to problems right through to borderline personality disorder.
 
Young people need support to prevent their embarrassment becoming a cycle of shame, especially when they feel they aren't what they ought to be in some way. There is a lot of pressure on them to be what other people think they should be rather than for them to gradually evolve into themselves.
 
I think the words 'should' and 'ought' have a strong place in the British psyche, and young people are dropped onto a conveyor-belt of conventional school education in Britain, so parents don't always feel confident to be imaginative, to find creative solutions to their family needs ( when I home-schooled I lost count of the number of British people who criticised me or thought it was weird...yet no one from overseas commented negatively )
 
If your sister thinks her daughter is suicidal then professional help is needed urgently: all suicide ideation should be taken seriously http://kidshelp.sympatico.ca/en/resources/sub_suicide.asp is a good Canadian kids' website with some warning signs/ advice.
 
Self-mutilation is often unrelated to suicide though- a faulty coping mechanism; other young people might take drugs or get drunk or sleep around.
 
Does your niece have a counsellor or psychiatrist?
Does she need to speak to someone outside the family?
Personally I would organise professional help if the cutting continued if it were my child, and she were open to it.
There may be something she is uncomfortable talking to parents about, also if your sister gets upset then she may struggle to express herself not wanting to further distress her mum.
Are there family problems which need addressing?
Also bear in mind that if she has depression she may need medication.
 
Your sister could read up on communication skills and particularly 'faulty thinking' which is behind so many psychological struggles http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm outlines the basics.
Adolescents are notorious 'black and white' thinkers, and what is trivial to older people they take very seriously, and extrapolate far beyond what is actually going on.
If she doesn't fit well with her current peers it may seem like the end of the world to her: that she will never fit in anywhere.
 
Parents need to teach their children about respecting and valuing their bodies, and should ideally be role models:easier said than done I know.
 
Some helpful ways to avoid cutting include learning to:
accept reality ( check out 12 ideas which cause or sustain neurosis, Albert Ellis http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/ellis.html )
identify feelings and talk them out/ write them down rather than acting on them.
distract themselves from feelings of self-harm for example, counting to ten, waiting 15 minutes, practicing breathing exercises, writing, drawing, thinking about positive images, using ice and rubber bands, repeat a mantra.
practice positive stress management. Yoga and meditation are excellent for improving wellbeing. Exercise.
I can't overstress the role of breathing exercises in the management of emotions.
 
There are lots of books and articles about building self-esteem eg http://www.buildselfesteem.homestead.com/ has some ideas for parents.
 
It is especially difficult for young people who feel 'different', after all, most of their childhood they are encouraged to 'fit in'.
The internet is a valuable resource for learning to accept yourself with numerous support or interest groups eg. http://www.sensitiveperson.com/
 
I personally rejoiced when I discovered Myers-Briggs Personality Profiling and tested INFJ ( the rarest profile http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html ) because it filled in so many gaps, helped explain why I get so involved with the things I do!
I joined a mailing list for a while and made two good friends.
 
If she has scarring then she may need support to accept it. There's some gel they sell here which reduces scar tissue- I can find out about it if you like and post some.
 
Lastly, a couple of good links for the families of people who self-injure
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/depress/violence.html
http://crystal.palace.net/~llama/psych/
 
Remember that although your sister and her daughter are in pain now, it is not forever: this too shall pass.
Encourage your sister to take extra care of herself so that she has the resources to support her daughter, and not get overwhelmed.
It's really hard being a parent when your children are struggling and you just want to make things right.
Reassure her they'll work through it.
 
I'm sure your emails and letters and calls are a big source of encouragement and support.

[onlyrenting]

Thank you all so much, I wonder on a scale of 1-10 is this a 10.

I dropped off D at youth group and decided to talk to the youth pastor regarding my D's cutting. He is very sad and tells me how much he like my D, she always appears happy and fun to be around.
He says they have experience in this area and want to help her.

Write,
I went on a few web sites and found some good advise on how to help stop cutting
I printed the information but my D just fluffed it off. Maybe she will read it.
I took her for a long bike ride telling her how much I love her and wanted to help her love her self keeping up with exersice and a healthy diet. We went shopping she picked out lots of great food to cook and we agreed the dinner was good. We had lots of green vegies with some shrimp.. yum!!

Solayads

The more she talks, the less she will cut.......you'll see the difference.

I want to talk but she can shut me down, so I suggested she find a good friend to call when she feels the need to cut.  

Since music appeals to different emotions and can draw out different emotional responses, the power of suggestion could come into play.  The same goes for violent video games.   Who can say that it does not have any effect on kids at all?

I do agree about the effects, how much is too much. Music is a big part of a teens life, giving direction but her own space is a fine line.
I do listen to what she wants to listen to and will reach for a teachable moment asking her opinion about a song. She tells me it's the beat mom.... I know some of the words are scary and finding the right balance is always a chore.

Andromeda

Cutting was a private activity that asserts ownership of ones body, one's boundaries...Cutting, for me, was also a way for me to reenact how my boundaries were routinely violated by family members.
You can't control how she's acting out. You can provide a nourishing, nurturing home environment where SHE can set the boundaries with her N-father, where her voice can be heard.
If you listen to the music she is listening to, you might get a window onto what she's feeling right now.
 

After 9mos of being away from the N-H her voice is being heard. She is getting stonger every day in this area.
I know this is a struggle for us both.
I know she is feeling nourshied at home but finds school a struggle and how to fit in.

MuM

Please know that I am sending you both love, light and healing, and I will keep you in my heart.

Thanks so much, I need all the light for this darkness and knowing others send their love is encouragement we both need.

Marta

She sounded like such a sweet and gentle kid. I feel for you both. Hang in there and with your love you will set things right.

My heart is broken, but she is broken too and all I want to do is help her heal

Singledad

Most kids who cut tend to feel like loners and like they don't fit in anywhere.
Be VERY careful about what music she is listening to.  Head phones tend to make her isolate herself.  It will only have a negative effect.  Also a lot of music today glamorizes cutting.  Emo, goth, and hard core heavy metal tend to be the worst.  Several musicians cut onstage and sing about it.  Marilyn Manson

She does feel like the kids who are emo are less stressful to compete with. Preppy even though she is a cheerleader, she doesn't like having to worry about expensive dress they require to fit in


Plucky

I applaud you for not ignoring it or hoping it goes away on its own.
PS the communications from your X sounds completely inappropriate

I found bringing the darkness to the light is so much better than trying to figure this out on my own.

Healing&Hopeful

What happens to letters that you feel is inappropriate?  Does she see these letters?  This may sound odd, but I feel that you are possibly not allowing her to make up her own mind.  I feel that you could still keep the lines of communication open, by ensuring she has the option to come to you if she doesn't like something he's said, then that may be a better way to approach it.

My D does not know I see all the letters sometimes she leaves them laying around other times I seal them back up with tape.

I have to go pick her up from youth group

Hope I got every one   OR

[write]

the other thing none of us has said is: look at any teenage scenario as a whole.

Only the people closest to her can know if it's an attention seeking thing, or what happens if you ignore the cutting.

WTF???