Hi Hops,
"if your current euphoria is about fusion?"
I guess I need to express myself better. I am not euphoric. I am looking at checking out this relationship for a year, maybe longer, before being able to tell if it will work out. On top of that I am living entirely independently of him, which makes him a much, much smaller part of my daily life than what he was before. It is really taking 3 steps back yet remaining to let things culminate to whatever will happen. Also a question for you: I know what euphoria means, but not sure what you mean by fusion?
About him not being ready to commit, that's not exactly the case. He would be ready for me to move in with him yesterday and think of me as his wife. I'm the one who is not ready to commit and he is the one who I feel is not totally freed from his past enough to be capable of more than a boyfriend with serious intentions.
Again, I feel no bliss right now. I feel good in the sense of "rightness," but I am far from bliss. We're not there yet, and for all I know will never be. I just know that I am willing to let time take its course and see what transpires. I don't feel in a hurry to "be with" a man. I am feeling good about maintaining a very independent identity with personal goals that have nothing to do with him (such as beginning to aspire to do film acting again). I have let him know that this is my feeling NOW -- this feeling of no hurry and much patience but that I cannot promise how long that feeling will last. I would like to think it could last for a year or more. I feel that would give time a fair chance to the dynamics of his healing. But he knows and I know that it is at this point no more than an intention and hope that I will stay so patient. If I lose that patience I will have to give up on us. I know that. He knows that. So, no, it's not a blissful feeling with all this as a very effective damper.
Things he has done to distance her more: Before he and her were exchanging their dogs (a joint custody type deal) every weekend. When they do that they see one another for a matter of a few minutes. Now it is once a month. He was talking to her on the phone nearly every day. Now it is twice a week or less. The last time he talked to her he told her, (to her shock), that he was glad she had moved out. I see this as real, not imaginary, progress. But I also know that it may not be permanant. Hence my lack of euphoria. It ain't over until the fat lady sings, and the fat lady may not sing for a very long time. And I may choose to leave the concert if I get tired of waiting.
On the other hand, I have to admit I feel this is a two-edged sword where that is the downside. The upside is that I *will* remain autonomous with a man I am serious about for many months or a year or more before making the big step of moving in together. I have never been that rational in my past. I always fell right into living with the guy within weeks or months, and that was always a mistake. I could always look back later and see all the things I wished I would have had to deal with BEFORE moving in with him or marrying him. With Bill I am going to finally find out what it feels like NOT to rush too fast into cohabitating. I want to experience that. I want to feel that sense of independence even while sharing love with a man. But I do NOT feel that he is "my man" and never will until and unless this thing truly clears up in re the ex N wife. Right now I am savoring my sense of independence while being "involved."
He also has a history of staying somewhat attached to a previous lover after getting married -- both marriages. In both cases he continued to see the previous lover once in a while until the attachment fell off the branch. To him, this is normal. To me, I've always been the opposite. I never wanted to start a new involvement before the old branch had already fallen. I do not like his "way" in re this, but at the same time it has worked for him in the past and I am not so sure that I should judge it harshly.
I really appeciate your outpourings, Hops. I don't know. I have a past that was somewhat sexually promiscuous. Sex is an important expression to me, but it does not carry the same "end all" kind of feeling for me that it does for many others. In fact, I am only the third person Red Hawk has had sex with in his life -- his first being his first wife and his second being his second wife. For him, having sex is a much bigger thing psychologically than it is for me. I'm not saying it is not meaningful to me. It is. It's important to me to be with a man who is sexual, but the sexual experience is really just one spice in the pot and the other ingredients carry weights every bit as, and more, important than the sex. The only reason I do not choose to be celibate with him -- though he is totally willing to do that if I wanted it -- is because I personally am not comfortable with foregoing sex. It would feel like an artificial restraint to me, inorganic. I don't know how to explain that better. But actually he made it very, very clear to me that he would not complain if I did not want to have sex with him for a long time.
Gosh, it feels terribly exposing to talk about my sex life on the net. Thank goodness we are at least using nicknames...!
I guess the main thing I can tell you about why I am feeling good (not elated) about this is because I am not getting red flags or alarms -- for myself -- in this current transition. I am not feeling alarmed at all, and if something should happen in the future that would make me uncomfortable, (such as her calling and something from that bothering me), then I know I'll just get up and say, "I'm not comfortable with this. I'm going," and I'll leave. And if and when that happens, it may be over, at least sexually. It may be that I will find that we really can't be lovers at all until and unless he finishes fighting his demons with her. I know this could happen, but I don't know it *will* happen. I'm willing to take the chance that it might happen, and live with the consequences.
I hope I don't sound like a heartless person to say this, but I can't say he ever really broke my heart. I have always felt secure in his love. It has only been the malignant tumor of his bond(age) with her which, though much less than before, still has its vestiges. I think this is why I never cried very much when we broke up or during all the angst. Through it all I have always known he really does love me. And if it culminates in him truly being incapable of continuing through the process of lettting go of her and his sense of guilt toward her while loving me, then I don't think I will ever truly feel it as him not loving me; rather, I will feel it as him being chained via the psychological weaknesses he inherited from his childhood and past. But he is a very strong-willed person and he has indeed improved in many ways. I see him as having a very real chance of freeing himself, and for now I'm okay with being around and seeing him do it.
No, it is not bliss or elation or even happiness, but I do feel a sense of much warmth and peace and current contentment with just being "in the now."
Hugs,
TP
