Narcissists and pets

[djhme]

Hi,

I am the adult survivor of a mom with NPD.  I have many narcissist tendencies myself which I am working to overcome.  This is because she jettisoned my own personality from birth and replaced it with her own so that I could live out her thwarted hopes and dreams. 

About four months ago I had to severe my relationship with my parents because they were so verbally abusive.  Now I find myself longing for a dog, although I've never had one before.  I think that I am seeking comfort and a parent substitute.  But I'm wondering if there's more to it than that. 

So to those of you dog owners who have had a childhood warped by narcissism, have you found dog ownership beneficial?  And if so, in what ways?  If not, in what ways?

I've searched for this topic on the Web and found absolutely nothing about it.  But I don't want to jump into something as significant as adopting a dog unless it will be helpful to me.

Thanks for your responses.   

[Plucky]

Welcome djhme and congratulations on the beginning of your journey towards health.
As a child I had to spend long periods at my father's house, where I was completely ignored, even to not being fed.  But there was always a large dog to hug, pet, and cry in its fur.  That was very comforting.

Plucky

[cat]

We never had dogs -- - but we did have cats.  I have found them (especially if they allow themselves to be snuggled) a great source of joy.  You can talk to them. . .and they look at you with their wise eyes and agree with everything you say!  They love to be touched or petted.  They like to be in the room with you.  Their fur is soft and absorbs tears.

You may search the web for "therapy" dogs.  Dogs are being sent into libraries (children who lisp read to them) . . . animals are adopted by nursing homes as pets.  A friend of mine brings his dog into the childrens hospital weekly.

[miss piggy]

Hi all,

Hope you don't mind if I jump in, haven't posted in a while.

Animals are wonderful for unconditional love, esp dogs.  I love both cats and dogs.  Although I found it easier to be a pet "owner" when my mom took care of them.     I recently had a dog and was a bit overwhelmed by its health problems which were unavoidable due to old age.  And another personal issue I have is feeling any obligation/engulfment (except for my H and kids).  So take that into consideration.  Dogs are also harder to leave alone if you have to travel, unless you can find a sitter easily.

A friend who had a horrible childhood LOVES animals but (i think unnecessarily) pours Big $$$ into their care when they are obviously in pain and euthanasia should be considered (a hard choice I know).  Her call, I realize.

Many Ns have trouble giving any nurturing to any living thing, to any creature who is receiving/diverting love from their Source of Supply.  They can get jealous of a pet as much as a new baby!   

Overall, I would recommend a dog to anyone who needs to feel loved, not criticized.  (((Plucky)))

Hugs, MP

[Hopalong]

Hi djhme,
I second what Mis Pgg says about the engulfment. I adore dogs but in this chapter of my life the overwhelming daily responsibility has become a downside. Bless her woofy heart, I do weary.

It took a long time for me to realize this: but dogs are more dependent than babies in that they NEVER GROW UP. They can't get their own food. They can't ever drive themselves to a concert. They can't walk into the doctor's office or take a bus.

And they suffer when you're working too long hours or too overwhelmed to give them proper attention and enough exercise and delight. They're SMART, and when they're utterly bored, they get depressed. They also, ideally, need ANOTHER dog to feel complete...they are pack animals.

(We'll do in a pinch, but it does take a lot of very dedicated and consistent training to make the whole alpha-beta thing work out to become a pack of two.)

All that said? My beloved dog in my lonely 20s and early 30s saved my sanity, just for the love. Now I'm 55 and in a highly stressful patch, it's not so simple. Whatever you do, just remember it's a 12-to-15 year daily commitment to a very wonderful but VERY dependent creature.

Good luck!
Hopalong

[mum]

When the time is right, you will get a pet, for sure. This is the first step, and a wise one, and that is to investigate, meditate, imagine and research. 
I am a devout dog "mom" and cannot imagine my life without one (or two or three as the case is at this time!) Ok, that's not true, sometimes I envision a calm and peace that can only be found on an secluded beach with no teenagers and no dogs (especially puppies), but then I wake up and  have to laugh....I love the chaos those " hairy, never go to school, never feed themselves or get a job children" bring to my life.
Talk about unconditional love!!!  And men never jump up and down when you get home from work like a dog will!!!
I have probably spent thousands and thousands of dollars on sick dogs, dying dogs, dogs who have chronic conditions, etc....but until this moment, haven't really thought twice about it.  It's what you do when you love a dog.  That's all.
I highly recommend falling in love with a dog, or like I said, several!!!
As far as N's and pets: they treat them like any other "posession" ( including their own children.)
 

[write]

I got a dog last year for the first time.

She's licking my tired feet right now- need I say more!

I walk with her, enjoy nature, and she's a companion when I'm alone.

My ex didn't want me to get her and although even he came round- she's the nicest natured creature - sometimes I get the feeling he's put out because I went ahead and got her anyway.

My son and the other kids love her too.

Definitely one of my better decisions.

ps. I adopted from the spca, I'm sure they'd counsel you through the basics. Also help you choose the right pet for you.
My dog is very loving and playful, but she doesn't bark a whole lot, which is great as I am a nervous wreck with sudden noises after two decades of ex-h yelling out every time he drops something etc.

 

[Plucky]

They can't ever drive themselves to a concert.

Must get to be tiresome, driving your dog to concerts all the time.    

Thanks for the link, Bean.  I think some of these tips will work for children too.  Or maybe Ns?

[Hopalong]

Thing is, dog likes Jim Nabors and gamelon orchestras.
I like symphonies and Leo Kottke.
We're always arguing about who gets to pick the tickets.

I do miss walking her. Since my slipped disk, I can't (she doesn't pull hard but the sllightest steady pressure makes it press on the nerve). I rent a neighbor to do it, so she's exercised, but that was one of the biggest joys. Cuddling's great too. She just is more high strung and less stable than my first dog and is food protective. A few times when she had a sore foot or sore gums and I gently tried to help, she went for me. I did an alpha roar and she's all straighted out now...but there's an edge to her.

What I daydream about for when I'm older is a tiny but MELLOW dog. Like, a Pomeranian that doesn't yap. Siggh. I know, 5 pound dogs are yappers. If anybody knows of a 5-10 pound type of dog that's NOT a yapper, do let me know!

Wooof,
Hops (I like cats too but am kind of allergic and HATE litter boxes). Love pigs though.

[Brigid]

Pets have been my salvation for my entire life.  Growing up with an n father, they always gave me the love I needed.  When I moved out on my own, I started breeding and showing them and had a minimum of two (and as many as 10 when litters were around) ever since then (I'm 55 now).  I never was a cat person when I was younger, but have three of them now, in addition to the 2 dogs, and have really grown quite fond of their quirky personalities. 

My pets have gotten me through childhood, and two divorces.  They have also taught my children about a love of something that is completely dependent upon you.  As the others have said, it is a commitment for 10-15 years, but it can be a very rewarding experience.

BTW, I have never taken any of my dogs to a concert, but imagine they would enjoy it.   Hoppy, I used to live in the same community with Leo Kottke and often ran into him at the bank.

Brigid

[2224Jessica]

Hi there,
I have two small children and a puppy, shitzu cross maltese. He's beautiful. I think the choice to have a puppy or dog ultimately comes down to personal choice whether you really have room and time in your life for a pet. Our dog adores us but he also can be hard work, demands attention etc.
My mother is narcissistic and I never really wanted a dog until I left home, got married had two children and I just felt like I wanted one. Right out of the blue. I think you wanting a dog for whatever reason is probably the fact that you would love to have one. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Go for it I reckon, get a dog, you'll love it..
Jessica

[Plucky]

Guinea pigs are a low key kind of pet.  If you get 2 of them (get girls not boys), you can pet them or not, they can survive for a couple of days without you if you leave food, they are low energy but cuddly and purr when you pet them.  Don't bark, not too demanding, the poop is small.   No shots to get.  No walking on a lease.  No power struggles like with a cat.
Plucky

[mum]

just a thought about rodents as pets. I have had several, but I guess it comes down to how much involvement/interaction you want with a pet.  I felt bad for the gerbils my kids had.  They spent their lives in a cage. The could go weeks without so much as a how ya doin? from the kids. One of them lived 4 years, and I have no idea why, they are only supposed to live 2. I always felt a little bad because they didn't do much interaction with us....not like the dogs. Dogs CANNOT be ingnored...although I have seen people do it by sticking their dog in the yard and never petting it (but those people have no consience).  Maybe that's why I like dogs, there is no getting around them. They are there, in your face, demanding attention, but giving sooo much love in return, that all the energy you give them, comes right back tenfold.
My dogs do not care if I screwed up at work, or am tired....they just want love (don't we all?)

[mia]

My husband laments that if it wasnt for his dog he never would have made it through adolesence.
He would sob into the dog's fur..like others here.

A man's best friend.....

[mia]

wanted to add that husband wasn't/isn't a N ....neither was anyone in his household.

Dogs can be therapeutic for anyone....of any background.
They are loyal no matter what.

best wishes.
mia