Why did you take it?

[write]

"He was baffled as to why all of his children were “hacked off” at him and wanted to move far away and have little to do with him. "

same experience here, and it'll be just the same with husband who will no doubt suddenly 'change' when I leave him, pity they can't do it BEFORE we've had enough isn't it!

[CC]

Fascinating, Simon, that your father was so blind to not see that he had full responsibility of that potential to have the relationship your grass-cutter friend had with his kids...

Obviously, you were born innocent as children..it was up to him to provide the safety and closeness that could have been, and he blew it but doesn't see that!!!  And it is not even that he is geniunely perplexed - he actually BLAMES you kids.

You are on target - at the time my mother wrote those awful letters - she felt completely in her right - although she said later that she "didn't really mean it" and it was only sent off in a moment of anger...  so it was a crime of passion?  Does that mean we should let murderers off the hook if they kill out of a moment of anger?

She DID lose sleep over the letters, but not for the reasons that you and I would have expected and are normal - only because I CONFRONTED her and she was terrified of losing me!

Your father's guilt-inducing comments infuriate me. Pay no mind, my dear.

[write]

re. my parents I've come to think: they were here first! they had a responsibility to parent me.
The fact they couldn't 'walk up to the plate' and accept that they neglected this has eroded my relationship over the years, and now there isn't one.
I don't care any more about their dramas.
They were here first, they had a responsibility to parent me and they sure as hell had no right to expect all the caretaking and mini-parenting which went on from me and my siblings.

I had a tough childhood: do I neglect my kids?
no.
It's all just a tissue of lies and excuses to get away with whatever they feel entitled to.

I deserved better.
I deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Simon,

thank you for your elaboration about your process of separating emotionally from your father.  (i haven't yet read beyond that - i believe your second post in this thread)

Congratulations!  It may not feel like something to celebrate but perhaps we should try and celebrate some benchmarks cause it is such an accomplishment- all that courage and energy etc. that you've invested!  It does (we do) get better day by day or month by month AND also live with the deep awareness that childhood is not something we ever get to do over and therefore how darned precious it is (your post about your children’s'  bill of rights in the "better relationships" post in the "what helps" area of this forum attests to just how precious you know it to be. I so loved that list. What a gift to your children, and yourself, and anyone who comes in contact with it and its results! )

i have separated emotionally from my N mom and interacting with her now is fairly easy.  I feel free, free from my own expectations of her and free to protect myself at will  (free from her expectations of me in other words   ).  it only took 2 decades of no contact (except for approximately 2 letters and 3 phone calls).  

thank you again as your sharing your process really helped me realize i have been through this without knowing what "it" was with my mom and can expect a similar if not greater freedom (and am actually   ) as I separate emotionally from my husband and that it is a process. I separated from my mom over such a long period of time with relative ignorance and mostly subconsciously that I wasn't as clear about the nuances of the process until I recognized them in what you described in your process.  Moreover, by leaving home i didn't really learn to draw strong limits regarding abuse - i just imploded and then fled instead.  With my husband I am learning how to be stronger in the presence of aggressive attempts at punishment and control.  Your post also helped me in clarifying that - thank you again!

[Acappella]

I became delogged somehow - that was me as guest in last post.