More Phone Calls from N's

[solayads]

Just received a phone call from former N friend.  I'm feeling a little worn out at the moment because they suddenly (after weeks of non-communication--which I was overjoyed about  ) want to know why I never call them.  They must be having some crisis; otherwise, I wouldn't hear from them.  These folks call only when they want to lay a guilt trip on me or to use me for something.

Reflecting back on something I read on this message board only confirms that "N's need you more than you need them".

The projection of their problems onto others is mentally exhausting.  I don't even have to know specifically or care to know what mess they've created in their lives this time........I just know that there must be some mess in progress to receive a phone call out of the blue.

And then the lies....."Oh, you were on my mind",  ......"We're still friends aren't we?"......"It would be nice to get a call from you every now and then"............BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!!!

Can you hear the violins????????


Solayads 

[bean as guest]

Yes.  I can relate.  My N. Mother just called.  I'm home today, taking a mental health day.  How did she know?  While the phone was ringing and I could see "Mom and Dad" on my caller ID, I got literally the shakes.  The fear inside me was so strong, it felt like the fight or flight mechanism kicking in.  She left a message (I did not answer it--YEAH) and then I immediately accessed my Voice Mail and Deleted it without listening to it.  The only thing I heard was -----, this is Mom.  She sounded worried, as usual.  There is always some crisis in there stupid lives.

I'm sure this has something to do with the email I sent all my siblings yesterday where I explained that I can longer field calls about "Mom and Dad."  I'm cutting them off completely and for good and I'm doing it for me, I explained. I also told them how well my therapy is going

No Contact means No Contact. I have to keep repeating that

[solayads]

I wasn't so fortunate......I received the call at work.  So I couldn't even screen the call when it came in.  I successfully screened most of the calls at home and on my cell phone.

Wow........the whining is so pathetic....

[Marta]

......I received the call at work.  So I couldn't even screen the call when it came in.

argh. That is my nightmare, that someday Nmom will show up at work since I am refusing contact with her.

Could you say, bad timing, I am busy, I will call you again, and then never do? They HATE being ignored. 

[solayads]

Hi Marta:

That was my response exactly...."Can I call you back?"   Then the berating began:  "You never call me"....."I'm always calling you!" ......"I was going to come to your job"......

Blah, blah, blah.....

I tuned the whole thing out and when it was over, I really appreciated why I stopped talking to them and how important it is to maintain as much distance as possible.  This experience has taught me a lesson in choosing my friends more carefully. 

And you are right....they did not like being ignored. 

Marta, I'm so thankful to have gotten out of my relationship with them because I realize how destructive these N's are on all fronts.

Thanks for your suggestions   

[Sugarbear]

I can tell in the first few words of a message from my mom that she is going to be asking for something...

Of course, she never calls me unless she wants something - I am supposed to call her to "stay in touch". 

I HATE hearing her voice on the answering machine!!!

(I guess it is better than her actually getting me on the phone, tho!)

[marydunne]

I can relate.  In the last year I have dropped two friends who were extremely self-absorbed (probably not fully NPD, in the clinical sense, but you get the idea).

One used to call me to discuss, for an hour at a time, how depressed she was that she didn't have a boyfriend or husband.  (I wonder why??? hehehe)  She expressed minimal interest in my life, or any subject that wasn't HER.  A couple of times I experimented with discussing MY news first, and she got really agitated, like she couldn't believe she had to wait her turn.

Another friend always had a sob story, and always needed favours, but never really acted like a friend to me.  Last summer she had a baby shower and did not invite me (which was okay in a way since I did not have to spend $$ for a gift), but told me about the shower afterwards - nice.  Then two weeks later she calls and asks if she can come over for dinner and watch movies (with me cooking the dinner and paying for the video rental).  I said no but thought to myself:  Why don't you ask your baby-shower friends?

But I am well shot of them now.  It's true: they NEED us, but are dead weight themselves.

[solayads]

But I am well shot of them now. It's true: they NEED us, but are dead weight themselves.

Dead weight ----  the perfect description.

[Surrounded]

OK---here's my N (extrovert, phony, lying type)sister.   Never calls.  Then out of the blue it will come.....

"I just wanted to check in and see how you are, AND......"     It's ALWAYS something.  And then when I used to fall for it and supply her with her needs, she would drop me again like dirt.  She had way too many other important people in her life you know. 

She is my big sis and treated me like dirt growing up as well.  She would be on the phone with her "friends" chatting and laughing, hang up the phone and turn on me like a screaming maniac.  For nothing.   Cause i was there.  She was actually the only mom figure I had since my N mom was the stoic, silent, manipulative type who was always gone trying to make sure she looked good to all the neighbors.  (Stepford wife mom-bot).  So that was fun!

Anyway, I know what you mean.  When I used to take my mom's calls.  I would cover the receiver and manage all my kids and family and converse with them and never miss a beat.  On and on she went.  About her of course.  If she remembered her  manners and ask about me, and I actually tried to tell her something about my life.  It would go in one ear and out the other unless it was interesting enough to laugh at or ridicule behind my back with my dad and siblings.  She never seems happier than when she is laughing at others mistakes.  Cause she is perfect, ya know.

Blech!!  Dead weight is totally right on!!

[Moira]

Hi Surrounded and all! Boy, can I relate to this phone call stuff!! I used to receive cajoling, " sweet" calls from ex N post break up and being kicked out. Alternated with extremely abusive and bullying calls! After I stopped acknowledging the calls by speaking to him, leaving message and answering emails- all calls stopped. No reaction, no ability to " play the game" How frustrating to get no response and have nothing to work with for continued abuse! In the past month he's started leaving messages again- , abusive, and frankly delusional and bizarre. Alternating with declarations of " love" and " I know despite what you say and ignoring me, you love me too and can't let go even though you've been ignoring me for months"!!! Also leaving messages for a male friend of mine he knows I'm interested in and the feeling is mutual- N knows him. Alleges he needs to talk to him about some business and he doesn't have his number! Also sudden flurry of calls for him from former contacts, lawyers, doctors who allege they have no forwarding address or number! I'm erasing everything and not passin on. These calls all within 2 week period. His number is now blocked but he continues to call from other phones. He's smart enough not to leave too many messages and no threats this time- just annoying . Not enough to lodge harassing or stalking complaint with poplice but I've decided to contact them anyway because although they can't do anything, at least it's documented. There is a former police follow up for N months ago when I kicked him out as he called me numerous times alleging he was suicidal. Fat chance! I ended up at that time calling police to have him thrown bodily out of my building. They didn't believe his bullshit allegations either! Also have a lawyer friend who is aware of all this. not enough to persue legally either at this point. Most annoying!!! I know I need to just change my number at home but you know how it is- I'm resentful as I've had the same number for 20 years and many contacts and friends have only that one- impossible to contact everyone with a new number. He hasn't called me at work..yet...but am anticipating it. Demoralizing and frustrating to have  it suddenly start again- totally get why it's happening. AARRRGGGHHH!!! Moira

[solayads]

Hi Moira:

Former "N" friend actually paid a visit to my SIL's job (for business transaction) but, of course, they made a sarcastic comment to her in the interim.  My SIL asked them why they didn't take care of their business out of town (which is where they live).

So now they feel the need to harass the people who are close to me which really agitates me.  And I know it is because they really want to get back at me for walking away from them and breaking my connection to them.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh

[Surrounded]

Man these people are jerks and THEN they have the nerve to call us whatever names they feel like.  Or act however they want to to get at us.  And somehow we are the bad guys for moving on.  For wanting peace and sanity in our lives.  ohhhh.....

Your N sounds like a real jerk, I am glad you are keeping track of all this stuff he is doing.  It may help one day, huh?  I have never YET crossed the line and made him (N husband) lash out at me.  Like kicking him out or separating.....but from the way I've seen him deal with others who have "crossed" him...I don't look forward to it.  

Just building up my arsenal.  MENTALLY mostly, cause that where they get ya----- isn't it???

Moira, and ALL----maybe we should just NOT answer any more calls from these wackos---eh?   Or how does a new phone number sound?  Anything is worth it.  I have stopped the insanity on that front and I am enjoying some much needed silence!

TAKE CARE!

Surrounded