I had been really positive all along and I felt like I brought this fantastic positive amazing opportunity towards me, but it slapped me in the face! It passed me right by! I thought: Fuck this! I've been doing everything right!! Grrrrrrr!
(((((((((((Selkie)))))))))))))
I can completely relate to this, as a matter of fact, it is what I struggle with most. The core beliefs I had led me to think poorly of myself, and put my happiness at the mercy of others: that is, that I could only be happy if I was doing everything in my power to make others happy. As we all know on this board, nice people appreciate the kindness, and N's walk all over us!
Plus, no one can really make anyone else happy.....everybody chooses that as a reaction to what others do...or not. But it's a choice.
So because I hadn't fully understood what I believed about my own GOODNESS, when I started to understand how I actually brought experiences TO me, I instantly went to BLAMING myself for those bad things that happened.
BUT, and as I said, I still wrestle with this: OTHER people, other energies are always bouncing around as well, and unless we TRULY believe we are worth our dreams, then when "negative" stuff happens, we BLAME ourselves (my line was" WHAT is it I haven't learned yet!!!???... and then a few expletives, of course!)
So what I am contemplating now is what my brother told me once:
You're life is like a car on a road and you are going somewhere, but there are other cars on the road and some of them want to go other places and they run into you or you have to slow down, speed up.....respond, but keep your own goal in mind.
When he first told me this, I was a little pissed.....what with my exNhusband's car going in one direction only it seemed: that of driving ME off the road!!! But then I came to realize that I can still drive my car to my goal, and the road is VERY interesting.....and I will have to be resilient, but MY GOAL is still worth it. AS a matter of fact, these crappy things that happen make me a better driver of my own car, like a good coach who FORCES you to get smarter, faster, better....I am forced to take care of it....to love and believe in it. The Dali Lama says "Thank your enemies" and this is why. My ex husband has been one of my greatest life teachers ever. (bless his screwed up itty bitty heart!)
I HAVE to acknowledge how bad things are, and acknowledge I do!! but If I stay and focus on the dent in the fender (or a broken transmission!!!) then how does that help me at all? And to add another car analogy I just remembered, my mentor told me when I first talked to her 2 plus years ago: your "emotional body" is your GAS!! How can you get anywhere without any GAS?? She said this because I had a goal in mind (my life) but I was SOOOO angry and focused on what was wrong with things, that I had NO GAS (no positive energy).
I can say "damnit! this totally sucks!!!", which I believe I have every right to do, for as long as it serves me to do so..........and then when I choose I can find a way to fix it (or hell, get out and walk!), and move on.
This particular brother was just diagnosed with Parkinson's (he is only 55) so I know he is messing with this in his head now, too.
Here's to getting back up and moving on (after a sufficient acknowledgment of what has happened).
