my new boyfriend

[Healing&Hopeful]

Bloopsy Rose… that is such a lovely name by the way.

I really hope you come back and share with us some more.

I understand how scared you are, I can feel how afraid you are and I wish with all my heart that I could do something where I could ease your fear and give you hope.  I feel it cannot be very nice thinking we’re laughing at you, although hopefully I can reassure you that I am not, but it is up to you if you choose to believe me or not. 

Change is scary, trusting is scary and trusting the right people who care is even harder and scarier and taking risks to trust is scary too.  You are an amazing person, and I’m honoured that you are sharing with us on this board…. It is a big thing.  I’m in my thirtieth year too.

Do you want to change Bloopsy Rose?  Do you want your life to change?

I’m in the UK, hence the different time for my posting.  Over here we have “Women’s refuges”, where women (and their children) who have been abused can go and be safe, where their husband/boyfriend/family member can’t find them, and the staff of these places do everything to ensure their safety.  The staff support the women who go to them as much as possible, giving them safety and support.  Do you have something similar over there?  Does this sound like something you could consider?  I’m not trying to put pressure on you, I feel that you probably feel under enough pressure already with everything…. All I’m trying to do is offer another option, maybe somewhere to go, if you decide you want to.

I really hope you keep posting here….

Take care of you.

H&H xx

[Portia]

Bloopsy I want to say, about what you said:

I think I thought that I was better than this but maybe that  I really just thoguht that becaue I was so afraid that I was NOT if you know what I mean.

Yes! I know EXACTLY what you mean. Like I was fooling myself but underneath I really was stupid and bad. I know what you mean.

Honestly, I don’t think that today. I can hear you saying that you know that you’re not bad, that it’s not your fault and so on. I hope you’re starting to believe that, really believe it.

Bit by bit we get stronger and we start to KNOW ourselves and trust what we think and feel. True.

Thinking that we’re laughing at you is okay, it’s what you feel. I would never laugh at you. I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s not funny what happens to you, and what you’ve told us. However can I say this: some of what you’ve written shows you have (1) intelligence and (2) a great sense of humour….like this:

i am such an addict of abusive men it seems. I just seem to think that they are SO GREAT and WONDERFUL and COOL> OR "SOMETHING"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL>######

Did you really LOL there? If you did – great! Laughing at ourselves is such a huge benefit. Even is it's said in a kind of twisted way. Do you know what I mean? I mean it's okay for you to laugh at yourself but that doesn't mean I do it to you. I don't laugh at you. I appreciate you and like you. I want you to really get this Bloopsy!!!! It's important! Anyway, i think it's important.

I used to think abusive men were coooool too. Yeah. Mr strong, treat-em-rough types. The ones who are angry at life. The ones who are mean. I understand that it can be very attractive.

Trouble is. Do you want to live? Do you want to laugh?

With men like them, it seems (to me) we never get to laugh. It’s always emotional overloads. It’s always shouting and fighting, drinking, drugs or something.

A terrible thing is, they don’t change, we get older and one day we don’t find it exciting or attractive any more. But can we get out?

You’re still so young Bloopsy. In 10 years, 20 years, you won’t be so young.

Think what you could do for yourself in that time.

Think about yourself. You can’t find the answer in men.


I was wondering whether there are any women who could help you, instead of a man.

Just one woman who could help you?

Is there one?

[Hopalong]

(((((((I think I sure don't want you dead, hon.))))))))))))))))
I don't know what he would do. I think it'd be best to just keep away from him now.
Something in your first descriptions of him made me think he won't spend his time stalking you--of course I can't know that for sure, so I think if you stay away from him and stay away from the places he goes and hangs out, that'd be a good idea.

My guess is he's likely to get bored when he doesn't get to spend his time dominating you. And then he'd go off and find someone else to mess with. Most men that macho are cowardly--slamming your head, when you're smaller than he is--and kicking you so hard) That makes me want to kick HIM.

But I can't be positive.
Try to figure out if your fear is based on real and immediate danger, or not.
Buy some pepper spray or mace to carry with you, and think about where you go.

You might go to a nearby church or clinic and talk to the social worker or minister. You have the courage. If you could tell him or her, I am here because I need hope, but please understand I have DID which used to be called MPD (spell it out for them). I need help, support, and a community of friends. People who will be understanding and tolerant about mental illness.

If you go the church route I'd aim for a liberal place. Some of the fundamentalist churches can be wackier in their approach to anyone who "hears voices" than the poor person who came in the first place. If you could just keep it simple, what you said to them in a first conversation, that would help.

What about a women's shelter? wouldln't that be another good place for you to go? They have support groups and counselors. You tell them what's been happeneing with your boyfriend and they'll believe you and help you...

These are just some ideas out of the air, I can't see where you are or what support might be there. But I did think of churches and social workers as good kiinds of support. (Maybe that's because in my church we have a woman with DID, another woman with schizoprhenia, I know a woman with severe bipolar disorder, and a few others with significant mental or physical illness...and we have learned how to help them feel safe and part of our family. The woman with serious schizophrenia has been coming there for 30 years. She lives in a halfway house in town and has a peaceful life.)

You matter, Bloopsy Rose.
There is no reason you should slip between the cracks.
You are very smart and brave, in spite of everything that's happened to you.

So I believe THAT voice, the one that says, I deserve a peaceful life, and life can get better...is going to eventually be your main voice. One voice.

Love to you for Friday, and keep on posting!

Hopalong

[Hopalong]

Bloopsy hon, one more quick thought:
If it's hard for you to imagine reaching out to a new T or a new social worker or a new minister or whoever...

It just occured to me that you are such a great writer. You really do pour it straight out, and it's all real. I don't mean that you don't have any problems with voices and that...but your posts make it so clear that your life is real, your issues and fears and needs are real. And your strength is real too!

I was just thinking if you shared your posts with a new person, such as a minister or T, let them read through them, they might understand a whole lot more. They would understand better what you've been through, how you feel, and how scared you are.

Maybe you could go to someone's office and ask them to read a copy of your posts (if you're able to print out a copy) or even show them this one.

Sometimes it's so exhausting to try to explain everything to a new person, when it feels so overwhelming. But you've already explained a lot of it here, and you've done a damn good job of it too. So maybe this board could actually help you in THAT way...we could be another voice for helping you!

(Don't do it if you think it's a silly idea. I just liked the thought of taking us, because we are real people and we do care, with you---to a mininster or therapist.) If you have a hard time introducing yourself into safer situtations with new people, why not take us with you?  The main thing is, in sharing here, you've done a really good outline of what your feelings are and what your situation is. I think if I were a minister or a social worker or a kind, safe therapist...reading these pages would really help me help you.

Just a thought.
Off to work,

Hops

[marydunne]

Bloopsy

I only read the first two items on your list before thinking "She has to get out of this relationship."

And you do.

This man is dangerous to you in every way.  And though he may have "been there" for you at certain times that is NO justification for his behaviour.

Please contact a domestic violence shelter in your area to find out about temporary housing and other services.  If you have the money to get a place for yourself, do it NOW.

Do not tell your boyfriend what you are planning to do.  Just disappear.  If he harasses you, call the police.

If you have no family and friends to really support you, so be it.  It's not easy to be on your own but you CAN do it.  Starting TODAY, do everything you can to be your own support system.  And avoid anyone who is negative to you in any way.

Now is the time to be self-centred - because you need to focus on your safety and your recovery from the abusive relationships.  And in time, finding new healthy relationships.

[Bloopsy]

Well, I do not have the money of my own, however my mom said she would give me like 550 dollars for my own place. I am such an idiot that it is ridiculous. Seriously. It is ridiculous. i feel really bad for myself to tell you the truth and I don't think that it is self pity this time at all. I hate that. If he finds me out in the streets at night i will be in trouble. I hate this and everything else. Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth.  Especially becaue i feel like my family would not protect me due to the fact that subconciously or WHATEVER they want me dead or SOMETHING> ANYWAY> I think that i will start packing tonight perhaps. It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it???????????? Especially after having read so much about it to tyr to not so this anymore. I feel like these abusive relationships have sort of become my whole entire life if you know what I mean and also like it is very important for me to stay in contact with these people who are hurting me so so bad whatev I hate e erything i have ever written said or done. Whatev to everything. Love, B.R.





!!!!!!!!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXCCCD

[Hopalong]

Hey Bloopsy,

Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth.  Especially becaue i feel like my family would not protect me due to the fact that subconciously or WHATEVER they want me dead or SOMETHING> ANYWAY> I think that i will start packing tonight perhaps. It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it????????????

Hey, I don't think we here on this board can tell you to move out of your house. I know you're really unhappy there, but it worries me to think of you out on your own with just a month's rent. You say that you're feeling a lot of fear, about your boyfriend...and you're also sure your family wants you dead.

I just want to toss up this thought: if your mind sometimes tells you things that aren't real, maybe your family is kind of clueless and don't know how to really help you--but don't really wish you harm. I mean, could you possibly be wrong about that? Could those possibly be just very scary thoughts, but not something real?

My thought is just, yes, by all means stay away from the boyfriend. Maybe just stay home in the evenings and don't go near his hangouts. But instead of thinking over and over that somebody is out to get you (the boyfriend or your family)-- I am hoping you'll put that energy instead into finding a new T, or going to a shelter just to talk to some women's advocate.

I hate to think of you rushing off with your suitcase with no plan...I'm not sure you're ready to be out there totally on your own, since you might just hook up with another abusive man, or sleep with someone in trade for shelter, like you mentioned.

 Instead, can you call a women's shelter hotline and just tell them you need to come and talk to someone? They can probably recommend a really safe T who has helped women in your situation before.

If you can endure things where you are for a little while, but still go find a safe, kind someone to help you think through your options...that might be a better plan.

Try to do what you've learned before to calm your mind a little. You can make these choices one step at a time--but do get some help. Don't try to go it alone when you're feeling fragile, okay?

I really think you can find your way through to a calmer life. But you deserve good, wise, kind help--and I feel so sure that a women's shelter would know the kind of people to recommend to you.

You're stronger than you think, Bloopsy. Try to calm the fear, and try to remember the most helpful things you've been taught or have tried when your "crazy" thoughts start overwhelming you.

Just one little decision at a time, okay? Well, two:

1) stay away from abusive men completely!! (Time for a man-break...)

2) call a shelter and make an appointment to go talk to somebody (and just tell them who you are, or show them what you've written--then they can help you better.

If you need to live somewhere else, a safe kind counselor can help you figure out how to get there, but one step at a time. (You did start trusting here, right? That shows you really can...)

Be careful, but don't be terrified, Bloopsy.
You are going to be okay.

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Do you really think that I should move out of here and away???I do. I do not feel safe at all. I feel cery unsafe to tell you the truth.

Hi again Bloopsy Rose... Yes I really do think you should move out of there and away too... however, I don't feel you should just go anywhere.  I feel that you can really think about where you can go, maybe think of it as making a positive choice for you?  Are there any other family members you could stay with, like Grans, Aunties, Uncles, if you didn't feel comfortable going to/or ringing a woman's refuge?

It is so wierd huh to flip around between these abusive relationships losing your mind isn't it???????????? Especially after having read so much about it to tyr to not so this anymore. I feel like these abusive relationships have sort of become my whole entire life if you know what I mean and also like it is very important for me to stay in contact with these people who are hurting me so so bad whatev I hate e erything i have ever written said or done. Whatev to everything.

Honey, I understand how you must feel like your losing your mind.  I feel that anyone in your situation would be feeling the same... Why do you feel that it is so important to stay in contact with these people?

You might hate everything you've written, said or done, but for what it's worth, I don't.  I'm so glad you came to this board to share with us....

Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.... take care of you....

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Bloopsy,
Please pop back in and let us know if you're all right...

I know that must have been so draining, to share all of that...it might have just exhausted you.

You don't have to explain or answer anything, but do pop in if you can just to say you're okay, if you are, or not, if you're not... I hope things are calming a little and you're taking a step that you can.

(((((((BLOOPSY ROSE))))))))

Hopalong

[Marta]

Bloopsy,

Life is sometimes two steps forward and one step backwards. You have experienced so little kindness in life, that it is difficult for you to get out of patterns of behavior. How are you doing with alchoholism and AAA meetings by the way?

I would strongly suggest finding a new therapist, especially as your mom seems willing to pay. Check with Dr. Grossman, he might hav referrals for you. It's true that it will be hard to trust a new therapist after you were abused last time, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Take care kiddo.

Marta

[Plucky]

Hi Bloopsy,
You might think that you, or your story, are so ugly that no one can hear it and care about you.  This is not true.  All of us who have read your posts start to care deeply for you.  Just like you, we are not quite sure what to tell you to do.  But we care and we are listening and supporting you. 

All of your learning from your birth has tried to teach you that you are bad and wrong and dirty.  But there is a little light shining through all of this, that is making you come up here and reach out, that is causing you to try to live.  That is your real self, your real beautiful smart clean good self.  Making its way like a laser beam through all the mess that has been piled on you for so long.

Try to live through that one little light.   The more you stay in it, the stronger it will get.  Just try to focus on that one small voice inside that tells you the truth - that you are good, that you are right, honest, innocent.   That you have hope and you will live.  You will find people in your world who can help you.

Plucky