Quicky background: My mom had knee replacement surgery at the first of the year. She refused to discuss getting outside help before the surgery, and when I brought her home from the hospital, she realized she needed more care than she was capable of, so she forced me into being her caretaker for around 2 weeks. I was yelled at, and had many angry and tearful recriminations from her for my anger and frustration at being put into this position. All because I wasn't helping her with a big smile on my face and actually told her that she was selfish and should have made plans prior to having major surgery. I was called heartless, cold and selfish and petty for this. My mom decided that she was completely justified in drafting me to be her caregiver, and I was just being a b!tch for not volunteering to put my entire life on hold to go help her. (I had agreed beforehand that I would be stopping by a few times a week and running her errands until she was able to drive again, but this was not going to be enough since she could barely walk for the first week).
Anyway, she wanted to go out to dinner after about three weeks post-surgery. She was feeling much better, walking without a walker and had been trapped in the house except for doctor's appointments for around 3 weeks. I didn't want to go, I was tired and told her so, but we went anyway because I felt guilty (?) and bad for her (she has no friends or other family). I guess I went with a bad attitude, but it was at the end of a very long and busy week, and all I wanted to do was go home, put on my jammies and eat leftovers in front of the TV. I do not enjoy spending time with her anymore. I can't talk to her without her getting intrusive and giving me "advice" or listening to hours of cat stories. She got mad at me for telling her I wasn't comfortable with her paying for my meal, and then started trying to start a fight. I refused to be drawn into an argument with her, just kept repeating that I wasn't going to fight with her, and dropped her back at her house. This was going on 2 weeks ago, and I haven't heard a thing from her.
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I promised myself that I would not be the one to call her because I was sick of catering to her only to be used and abused. I can count on two hands the number of times that she has called ME in the last two years. I figured that if she wanted something she could call me.
One of the things my mom LOVED to do is try to make me feel bad by saying awful things would happen to her and no one would find her for days... like "I will probably fall down the stairs and lay there with a broken leg and no one would ever know..." and then tell me that she was "just kidding" um, no, you're being passive/aggressive!
So since I haven't heard anything from my mom, I start to worry. What if she fell? What if she tripped and hurt herself? What if...
I actually enjoyed the past two weekends not even thinking about her for very long stretches. My hubby and I had lots of fun and went out on date nights. I went out and ran my errands and such and didn't obsess over whether my mom would get angry about me going here or there without her... I even bought some fish and a small fish tank!
I broke down yesterday and called her tho. I just left a quick message while she was at her physical therapy. Said I hadn't heard from her, hope things were progressing well, and if she wanted to talk with me she could call me back. She knows my work schedule, and deliberately called my house to get the answering machine.
She said (in a very formal voice) that she was fine, therapy was fine and she had nothing more to say. Good bye and then hung up.
I know she is mad at me for being "heartless" and excluding her (I'm not telling her private details anymore!) and not being her best buddy anymore. I wish I could just stop the guilt and the worrying about her... she can go months without even speaking to me, but I can't last 2 weeks!!!
Am I a bad person if I just don't call her again to check on her? She appears to be getting around just fine, is in her early 60's and is not hurting for money... how bad would it be if I just stopped calling her and let her be the one to initiate contact again, if at all?
I honestly didn't want to cut her out of my life, because I used to have fun spending time with her. Also, my hubby and myself cut off his parents almost 2 years ago, (textbook Ns) and my mom uses that against us and would only say that there is something wrong with me because I am doing the same thing with her. She cut off her brother and sisters many years back and keeps forgetting about that, tho
I HATE feeling responsible for her!! I KNOW this is irrational, but I can't seem to stop the whole thought process, just delay it a bit...
