Support Group 2

[Support Group]

Here's a thread that won't be locked if anyone needs to discuss matters arising in this support group, ie Dr Grossman's board.

I find it a little nervewracking that someone would yell Silence! on a Voicelessness board.  

[Sela]

Thankyou.

I'm sorry I must have been typing near the same time as you and pressed "post" just after you eh?

I was busy posting to the "anything" thread. 

Thankyou anyway.  I find it incredible that someone would yell Silence! here too.

What I don't understand is why they continue to read threads that make them feel uncomfortable?
Why not just ignor them?

Better to try to shut them up, I guess.  Make things fit their needs.

Sela

[Chuck Finn]

I find it a little nervewracking that someone would yell Silence! on a Voicelessness board. 

Empty vessels make the loudest noise...  with all that shouting no one can hear those who whisper

[Hopalong]

Dear Chuck,
Respectfully, there is no volume other than type size on an online forum, is there? I'm inclined to agree with those who've said that if a discussion (okay, even an argument) is painful or offensive to read, it might make sense once I realize I'm feeling that way while reading a thread...for me to stop reading that thread.

I truly meant no harm in asking the Are We Okay? question and I was slow to grasp the intensity of the arguments. (I've never "locked" a thread or participated in a forum before...took me a while to notice that as the "starter" I could be the "ender"--anyone know a reason it's built that way? I wasn't swift about that.)

I also am not sure if it is considered discourteous or against forum protocol to lock one. I hope not. I just wanted the one I myself started, to stop...like kind of exiting one conversation with a group of friends but knowing I would be seeing them again very soon.

I'm glad (like now) to participate in other threads about the group's processes...(thank you, Guest).

My sincere apologies to anybody if it's offensive to ever close a thread. I don't know the etiquette there and would be glad to hear about it. Can't remember when I started here...I think it was November, but I hadn't come across that issue before. Hope I handled it okay. I sure don't want anybody, ever, to feel voiceless.

Hopalong

[Hopalong]

Sorry, Jac. I'm truly sorry that upset you, I meant no offense at all.
I was honestly asking, what's the etiquette about closing threads?

This pops up: It doesn't stop anyone from raising the same or similar issues on a new thread...Anybody can start a renewed discussion of the same things if they want to.

I do think you're onto it being about boundaries...I'm just not sure whether it's a good one or a terrible one. Or if there's middle ground.

Maybe it is a control thing. That sure would be part of my Nkid legacy...hmm.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Jac. I understand...we got "our threads crossed", so to speak. 

I closed the "Are We Okay?" thread I'd started, since it had become mostly a conversation between two other people who had let go of their dialogue. I thought my original question had been answered and the discussion exhausted. (Or maybe it was me who was exhausted...I am one of those conflict-phobes, you've got my number!)

Anywy, Portia  explained she was taking a few days off, and Marta explained on another thread that she was planning her own forum.

So I thought the We Okay? thread was sort of exhausted and it would be good to close it.

I am glad you wrote since I've been peeking at the board off and on this evening and was feeling sad it had gone so quiet.

Hope everybody will soon chime in again...I deeply trust the process and like the people here a lot.

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Jac, Hoppy and Sela,

I feel uncomfortable when people post under guest names like this.  I think if they've got something to say of this kind of nature, why post under a guest name?  If you really want someone to hear you, why hide your name?  I don't get that.

This struck a cord with me:-
As for boundaries - aren't they set for people who are dangerous, abusive, intrusive, callous, selfish, unfeeling, (I could go on).

You don't set boundaries for loving, supportive, kind, compassionate, understanding people, do you?

I feel that we all have personal boundaries, all to varying levels, but it's the second group that don't infringe on our boundaries.  They don't violate our boundaries.  So I feel as long as we have healthy boundaries ourselves, the second group get close to us (not to say that there's no conflict with the second group, however conflict is easier to deal with because they accept their responsibility for the problem and I accept mine), and the first group, well, in my opinion it's better to not get involved as much as possible.

Regarding Marta's new group.  Although it leaves me feeling uneasy as I don't feel comfortable with the us and them created, I do wish her well and hope it works out for her.

Hope you all have a great Saturday.

Take care

H&H xx

[Support Group]

H&H,

If you really want someone to hear you, why hide your name?  I don't get that.

I don't want someone to hear me.   I don't trust that they're not N, or that they're even helping ME on this board.  I'm here to help myself not to get a single one person to hear me.

I started this thread to keep a dialogue open among ALL that I found it very disturbing that someone wanted Silence! not Hops, I don't see anything disturbing about what Hops did which was close a thread that she had started.  It is very uncomfortable keeping a thread open that you have started once it turns into these very passionate and personal arguments.  I wouldn't ask anyone to do that, which is why it was started this thread.  Chuck Finn was the one who shouted Silence! and that's the individual I was having the most difficulty with.  But there were also others who wanted silence, it seemed.

[mum]

Hey, folks!  My therapist taught me something that really helps me to decide something without being judgemental of myself or others.  I simply need to answer the question, "Is this productive for me?"  It is neither here nor there, but it usually helps me determine if I need to participate, worry, or concern myself further with something or not. It's purely up to me, I own it and it has nothing to do anyone else. It's simply a tool I use to help me decide to do or not do something.

I think of it in conjunction with the thought that "attachment equals suffering" or maybe a practical version of it....but if I can find out what it is I am attached to, I can usually find out why I am feeling a certain way.  Then I can decide if it still serves me productively or destructively and I can make a choice based on that awareness.
When someone else comes to a different conclusion....well , then I can decide all over again if I am attached to them feeling as I do or not....and decide my action.
Anyway, just my thoughts.
Carry on.

[Healing&Hopeful]

H&H,

If you really want someone to hear you, why hide your name?  I don't get that.

I don't want someone to hear me.   I don't trust that they're not N, or that they're even helping ME on this board.  I'm here to help myself not to get a single one person to hear me.

I started this thread to keep a dialogue open among ALL that I found it very disturbing that someone wanted Silence! not Hops, I don't see anything disturbing about what Hops did which was close a thread that she had started.  It is very uncomfortable keeping a thread open that you have started once it turns into these very passionate and personal arguments.  I wouldn't ask anyone to do that, which is why it was started this thread.  Chuck Finn was the one who shouted Silence! and that's the individual I was having the most difficulty with.  But there were also others who wanted silence, it seemed.

Since this was posted directly to me, I felt it rude not to respond.

I can see where you're coming from and totally understand about the silence thread.  This isn't just aimed at you though.... this is Chuck Finn, Reality Check, Here We Go Again.... all posting under anonymous names, but in my opinion, not to be helpful.  In my opinion, I feel that they are not really saying what they want to say, because they hiding behind anonymous names.  I feel that if you really want to say your honest opinions, why not add your name?  So there are no reprocussions? But surely being responsible for your words and actions and accepting the reprocussions of them are all part of life, and part of being emotionally healthy.  How can you do that under an anonymous name?

Just speaking for myself, I am really fed up of all this annomosity.  I really do wish people could either resolve their issues on this, or agree to disagree.

H&H xx

Also I feel that the N word is being thrown at people too much recently... it's their fault because they're an N.

[mum]

Mum
What happens if you find you are attached?  Do you just detach?

Yes.

Easier said than done.

I agree(emphatically)!!!

Do you explore further?

You must....otherwise you cannot find out where the attachment is, why it hurts so much, and what it is you might choose to detach from.

If you've been silenced or shut out, how can you?

It's not something that is done publicly. It is done within. It takes bravery, faith and courage, but facing down fears, or exploring emotion is only done alone. Detachment is a choice, but staying attached is an option. Detachment is only a choice, not better or worse. There is no judgement on it, unless you choose to give it some. It's very personal.
The key is being mindful that it is a choice we make. It is not made for us...we are more powerful than our "life situation" and our minds have control over our emotions. An emotional response can become a choice (again, not good or bad...simply a choice). I make very emotional responses to things all the time!!! It's always my choice to do so!

And one thing that tends to help me with those choices is asking myself "is this working for me? Is it productive?"

It takes stepping outside of ourselves a bit, becoming an observer, if you will, of what we do...and why we do it. Its quietly empowering and joyful to do this. Not easy, but I have found it worthwhile. I am no expert, as that does not exist. That's why it's called spiritual "practice". We never really "get it" or "get there". And that's ok. The journey is wonderful anyway.

[mum]

hi, Jacmac. Action without introspection is a choice. Introspection does not mean inaction. It just means it's been considered inside.
When I am upset, I find it is because I am attached to something. And sometimes that something I choose to remain attached to and value fighting for. Sometimes it is in hindsight that I realize this, but I am still learning the value of looking within for validation, whether anyone agrees with me or not. 

It is not easy, as it does place all responsibility and blame squarely on my lap....but the flip side to that is I get to own my power.

"Triumph and failure....the great imposters"....I forget who said that, perhaps BKS Iyengar, but it's not unlike what was whispered in the Roman conquerer's ears by the slave holding the laurel wreath above their heads in the chariot:
"All glory is fleeting". (I find that interesting....whispering enlightenment to your tormentors??? Historically, that has happened over and over again, though)

The whole idea that there is some rock hard truth, or any solidity to this life is what gets us stuck. Life moves and is ever changing. It flows and goes all kinds of places we don't expect.

Introspection helps me to go with the flow a little more.
I find I am much happier when I am not clinging to that damn flimsy twig on the muddy banks......resisting the water.
I know I might drown. And that's ok...because I also might float effortlessly to a beautiful place downstream ( I heard it was there...so I'm goin' for it!). Meanwhile....the ride is pretty interesting!

I know all this may be way off topic from the focus of this thread, but that was intentional on my part. Please know I mean no harm.

If I want to speak about a problem and someone silences me, that is, IMO, immature and passive/aggressive.  If the person is able to communicate to me that they can't talk about the subject because it is too difficult or painful, that is showing that they care enough about my feelings to explain why they can't talk to me - but to just out and out dismiss me, I think that is a sure sign of a lack of consideration for my feelings

. 

I agree. I would interpret this the same way. But I get to decide how long I feel bad about it. The thing is, people rarely change because of something other people do. It's internal, and I have found I can't make someone see my point of view when I am upset... and sometimes I NEVER can, anyway, and letting go of that need has been so freeing for me.