Is there a self-destruct gene?

[Sela]

Hi everyone:

Wow!  What an awe inspiring thread you got going here Tiff!  There is so much here that I could read over and over and learn a thing or two or a hundred from!

I want to say...I'm so very sorry for all you have suffered and I totally agree that you sure seem like one sound, sane, loving individual, like a wonderful mother with a bountiful spirit and an inner strength that sings out in the face of calamity.  Hats off to you Tiff!!  You've more than survived!  You're precious and blooming!

These words, that I think Jac wrote, brought tears to my eyes:

in order for the soul to grow, it must be challenged to the very depths of it's core.

Makes me want to cry out:  "Have the depths of the core been challenged enough yet?  Please say yes!!"
Just feeling sorry for myself a little there.  I do get that this is a large probability and that I am not in charge, never will be, of how much my soul will be challenged to grow.  I would like a break, though, before the next growth spurt, if at all possible.  I should ask for that maybe?

(sorry if I got the person's name wrong who posted that.  I think it was back on page one that I clicked and copied but held onto it until somewhere deep into page 2, where I had to find a place to save it, because I found the next thing I wanted to click and copy...and by then...I'd half forgotten who posted...my poor brain...I feel sorry for it!!)

I'm not going to make this a long one as I've done enough blabbing here today but something did jump out...right off the pages....into my eyeballs.....up the neuropathways......sending a charge somewhere and sparking some thoughts--questions really:

Tiff wrote:

there were kind people in my life, but often when i became too attached to someone  as a child, they simply removed me from them.

and also:

In the past two arguments to my husband, I did something I thought I’d never do.   I threatened to separate from him. Not because of him, but because I felt worthless  and stupid as a wife.  I felt he should cut his losses and go, so I wouldn’t ruin his  happiness. He was floored and hurt.

Tiff, could these events be related?  Are you feeling attached to someone again, and anticipating (even subconsciously) that you will simply be removed from him?

Could you be (unconsciously even) pulling the old:  I'll remove myself before he gets removed from me thingy??  Or reliving what happened to you back then......now??

Would it hurt less that way?  Would you have more control over the pain this way?  Rather than live with the constant (subconscious even) anxiety of waiting for you to be removed......could this be a way of getting it over with quicker??

Absolutely no need to respond if you don't feel like it.  It's just fodder for you to chew on eh?

((((((((((((((((((Tiff)))))))))))))))))  You deserve many warm hugs for all you've endured.  God bless you.

  Sela

[jordanspeeps]

Oh sure, Sela, I was struggling with that very childhood connection you mention as I was going through that awful time.  My thoughts were that I was wasting his time, and screwing up his life, and I was also losing touch with reality a little, and feeling a little, okay, very, paranoid during that time.    For a moment, I thought he, like every man before him, was probably "pulling the wool over my eyes" and that I should protect myself, even in the face of no wrong-doing.

Thank God, my husband is a loving, compassionate, empathic soul.  He could see the difference in me and wanted me to get some help.  He's strong, but I know the idea of me "up and leaving" was hurtful to him.  We're still talking about what we were both feeling when I said those things.  He won't let me just bail out. He also knew of my history of a flight response. My former two serious relationships ended with me saying, "hey, you know what, i don't know, but i've gotta go."  In those relationships, I had hardcore evidence that the men meant no good for me and I was bailing. This time around, my hubby and I could sense that I was trying to regress and revert to old, ineffective patterns and thank God we came through that.  I made a vow to myself never to put him in that position, where he doubts where he stands with me.  I want him to feel as safe with me as I am with him.

take care, sela and others.
tiff

[Sela]

Hi Tiff:

I'm glad you were able to make that connection (with why you were fleeing relationships) and especially in regard to the way you were feeling about yourself and your husband.   So glad you have a loving, compassionate, empathic soul of a hubby!!  That is wonderful to hear!

I felt worthless and stupid as a wife.  I felt he should cut his losses and go, so I wouldn’t ruin his  happiness.

How are you doing with these feelings?  (This probably seems like it should be obvious but I'm asking anyway and ofcourse, only answer if you want to.)

part of the releasing some of my anger has left me doggedly determined to foil the efforts and attempts of the Ns in my life to kill my spirit, if that was the intention, anyway. Living an abundant life is probably the best way for me to avenge my inner child.

I love this attitude!!  Go for it Tiff!!  I like your choice!

(but vengeance is not mine, actually, it’s God’s).

Might be a different type vengeance though eh?  Who knows?  Living a rich life (and I assume you mean full of good, wholesome treasures, not in a monetary sense) .....is a fine choice, if you ask me and I doubt God will consider it otherwise.

Isn't it when people are driven by rage and they destroy, deplete and deprive the world of their's and other's good treasures that is really a sign of that inner child seeking revenge?  I think you're on the right track Tiff.


Sela 

[jordanspeeps]

Sela,

How are you doing with these feelings? 

These days, I'm feeling really positive.  My glass is feeling half-full all around.  Getting my anxiety under control is key, because under everyday circumstances, I feel I'm doing a pretty decent job of being a wife.  It's when I was feeling stress/pressure/criticism by my mother particularly, that I acted out towards my husband.  I'm just glad he knows my heart, even when I'm "trippin' out." Interestingly, he sees some of the things he does/doesn't do that escalate tensions, and is trying out new ways to react to my anxiety, for the sake of more smooth communication, so it's gonna be great for us, I can tell!

 

Take care my friends and thanks for all the responses!