what do you think is your most lasting side effect of being involved with n?

[darky]

i would have to say for me, its people presuming to know what i am thinking or feeling. or presuming my intentions, good or bad. nothing gets me more worked up or angry than someone telling me they know my thoughts and feelings.

i think this is because of years of having someone on and on in my head telling me how i think or feel, and the battles within myself fighting for independance and a mind of my own. i have that mind now and boy am i protective of it!

what about yourselves?

[Portia]

Darky, everything you say I feel is true for me.

The worse thing right now for me I think is the lack of trust.

I don't trust the world not to take bites out of me. And I don't trust myself not to imagine the world is about to take a bite...even if the evidence is that it's not going to happen.

It's getting easier I think, but having allowed myself to get severely bitten at work, I am reticent. It's a bugger!

[2224Jessica]

Hi Darky,
I feel the same too. I hate it also when you open yourself up to someone you care about and if you ever have a disagreement with them, sometimes they bring up your vulnerabilities in the arguement. Most people don't bother me much and they seem quite considerate kind people compared to my horrid mum. My mum has the ability to make me feel like a squashed ant. Noone else can do this.
Jessica

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

This is really interesting and definitely rings a bell with me too.

Another biggie for me is trusting in my thoughts.  Maybe sounds a bit odd, but I'll try and give an example.  This morning I had a meeting with the Operations Manager and two delivery managers where they talk about resource for the next week.  While they were talking about one guy, I actually said what he was doing and why.... this is a huge thing for me, why?  Because my initial thought is always don't say anything, it'll be wrong anyway... which I know stems from my n dad.

It's hard, but I'm trying to change it.

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hi all:

Well.....I hardly have to post here eh?  Obviously I have the same problem as others have posted about the presuming of my thoughts and feelings being something that is very uncomfortable (which....I find myself wanting to say:  "Thankyou all because I don't feel so alone now, with that problem, or like I'm crazy for saying that I don't like it etc.  Thankyou.")

I can relate everything ya'll have written and when I really think about it, I think the biggest lasting side effect for me is constantly battling all the fear.

I think lot's of people have fears, at least from what I can gather from the people I've talked to about this over the years but I also think coming from an abusive background creates deeper, more frequent fear that surfaces just about everywhere and about everything.  I'm afriad to post.  I'm afraid not to post.  I'm afraid I will say something that will make things worse.  I'm afraid if I don't say something, things will get worse.  On and on and on....in my head....fears like this jump up about a zillion times per day and seem to almost constantly cause:

a) me to question everything I say and do (in my head before and after events)
b) and cause me to speak, act, react or not do anything, depending on the circumstance and what fears are generated
c) block my peace and serenity (by causing me to do a) & b) over and over sometimes with such gusto!!).

It just seems like I have to battle this constantly, every day of my life, and I wonder if I hadn't come from such a background, would I be struggling to overcome fear so often??  I don't think it would be so large.  I really don't.

The good news is..... I don't like to let fear take control, win, rule, whatever and so I do battle like a banshee against it, usually bringing about it's death!!  (at least for a time).

But the wailing that agoes on ta git there!!   EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeenormous!

Sela

[Brigid]

I would agree with Portia with the inability to trust.  The affects of my father's n behaviors actually made me strive to be the opposite of him (even though I occasionally see his traits come out in me and that scares me and makes me angry).  He was so constantly critical and unloving and unemotional--at least with his family--and I am very much the opposite.  But the affects of my exh's n behaviors have left a lasting scar of lack of trust.  I was always a very trusting person before I discovered all his lies and hidden behaviors.  The fact that he got away with it for so long without my knowing has left me being suspect of those around me.  Maybe that is not such a bad thing, and I will no longer blindly trust someone just because I love them and assume they would treat me as I would treat them.  As Portia said, it does get better with time and those who are closest to me now, have earned my trust for the most part, but those fears still occasionally rear their heads.

Brigid

[mudpuppy]

What do I think is the most lasting side effect of being involved with an N?

Strength.
They did their worst and I'm still standing. And by the grace of God I'll still be standing long after they're dead and gone.

mud

[darky]

thankyou very much bean for writing that, i was almost in tears, it felt like some confirmation for me if that makes sense?  im still half convinced im a nut you see.

heres another one i thought of that i have a huge problem with.

im always worrying that ive upset someone. even my hubby that i have been with for 15yrs and married to for 12yrs. i cant judge mood at all. he may be quiet and im worried he may have something on his mind, or ive upset him for some reason. i get very edgy and expecting conflict. i usualy leave a freind or conversation and say to hubby, were they funny with me? did i do or say something wrong?i want to be liked but i dont trust or believe in my abilities with people. it would devistate me if i upset anyone. i am very suspicious of people being nice, or doing something for me, i worry that people have a hidden agenda and might hurt me. i live a huge part of my day with anxiety. some days i cannot even answer the phone or the door.

[write]

I've become a very strong person too.

I guess the lasting side effect in relationships is people don't get many chances now. If someone hurts or offends me I somehow can't forget it and tend to move away from them; maybe this is something will fade over time.

[jordanspeeps]

years of feeling like i had been "snowed over" by Nparents, Nfriends, (I had 2 close ones), and Nboyfriends, (high school and college "sweethearts,") left me wwwaaaaaayy more suspicious of people's intentions and i'm just not as trusting, and open as i used to be.  (this is probably a good thing, though)

some used to say i was very gullible, others would say i was very naive and sheltered.  one Nfriend would say in jest, "Geez, you've got plenty of book sense, but no common sense."   that left me feeling "socially stupid" for a while.

tiff

[cat]

There are several things:

1) Not being able to trust anyone.  If you can't trust the woman who gave you birth, who in the world can you trust.
2) Not thinking the best about people - - - always considering they're out to get what they want.
3) Fear:  figuring you'll say something or doing something to screw things up.

[DixyGirl]

I would have to agree with everyone - trust.  Because my ex N bf lied about everything from the bigest things to the most insignificant things , I find myself questioning the littlest things that people say.  I don't seem to trust my ears or my heart like I use to before him. I find it difficult to just relax and enjoy a conversation...I am always in an internal dialog with myself, picking apart what is being said instead of listening and being completely present.


D

[dandylife]

You know that Green Day song that goes, "I walk alone, I walk alone....."

That's how I feel.


Bitterness. Tough to forgive. Also ever heard the phrase, "one hand clapping"? Meaning "hopeless".

This last part I just feel for the one specific N. person in my life.

K.

[movinon]

Yep - trust

In particular, trusting men.  I know that's not fair, but it's what I struggle with TODAY.

ANother is a feeling of not belonging - drives me BONKERS and sends me into a tail spin.  I realize this is total family of origin stuff, but that's what's triggered in me often these days.  I guess the fact that he actively isolated me from family and friends reinforced that "old tape" in my head.

It comes from years of being told what I'm thinking and feeling,

Bean - exactly!!!!!! YOU are so insightful as well!

Movinon

[Gail]

For me, it's not having appropriate feelings when someone is treating me badly.  There are times when I should have been outraged at another person's behavior.  Yet, I just don't have those feelings.  Instead, I feel that if I had done something differently, I wouldn't have been treated that way.  The more appropriate reaction would be to feel angry and acknowledge the other person behaved like a jerk, and I was not responsible for that behavior.  I've put up with way too much bs as a result.  Even when I know, intellectually, that someone is behaving very badly, I don't have those feelings that would give me the impetus to get out of the situation.  I hate that, because I can't trust my feelings to give me needed protection.  I hate having to intellectualize something that should be instinctual. 

Gail