Can we ever really be healed? My story.

[Anastasia]

In short, I have been taking care of my Nmother for a little over a year now as she is very old and needs the assistance now.  Quick background is that she did not see me or her grandson for a little over 21 years after I moved a few days away from her (abusive stepfather didn't need to be near my son when he was growing up like I was).
Nmother was aware of why I moved away as I was very explicit and very plainspeaking, so she could not possibly have interpreted my move to be anything but what it was:  I was not going to raise my son where my stepfather could steal him (to spite me) or Nmother and stepfather could have the chance to talk badly about me (like always) and put me down in front of my child.  Despite begging her to visit, she would not come.  I realize now that she came to visit me when I lived in Chicago a couple hours away is that it was different for her to visit the big city and it was convenient.  So, for her, this was like a quick vacation where she was close enough to home she could jump on a bus/train/whatever and get home quickly if she got mad at me or didn't feel like staying near me.
Once I moved a few days away, she could not get home quickly.  She KNOWS she has treated me so badly--and definitely allowed my stepfather to abuse me--that she was protecting herself from the upbraiding she deserves.  She didn't want to be taken to task for her abuses.
This, folks, is a woman who did not care for her daughter/grandchild.  How clearly I see this picture now.  And it is what I suspected, but now has been confirmed. 
Now, since she has lost that heirarchal thinking that is so necessary to lie (which is why old people are so damned blunt), I am getting the truth--which, I reallize now--may be more damaging to me than I thought it was going to be. 
A number of times I have asked her what she wished she had done differently and all the things you talk about when someone is old.  All I get from her is that she wished she had been able to take the opportunity to move to California (this would have been during WWII) with her girlfriend, but she couldn't as she had me (too much money to support both of us if she were to move). 
Never ONCE in these past 14 months has she talked about me as an infant/child in a positive, loving way like I would do about my child.  For instance, I love my son--despite wanting to kick his ass at times--so much that I remember so many cute, clever and charming things he has done over the years that I am filled with positive memories about him. 
What I am trying to say here is that I REALIZE that what I have guessed over the years was really true:  this woman RESENTED having me--she definitely never wanted kids at all (as I heard repeatedly over my lifetime growing up)--and just couldn't wait for me to grow up enough to get the hell out of the house.  She started really stepping up the nastiness when I was about 12, and it just kept getting worse.  By the time I was in my high school years and the first two years of college, I was so nervous that I couldn't even relax enough to concentrate in school.  Needless to say, I did way, way below my ability and my grades reflected it.  And it wasn't until I was 8 years away and miles away that I could relax enough to be that A student I had the ability to be and finish that degree. 
I had a boyfriend I was so in love with when I was 18-19.  One of the, maybe, 3 men I really, really loved in my life, but he was my first true love.  I actually dreamed about this guy 10 years after he dumped me.  And why did he dump me?  Because he wanted to get married, live in our hometown for the rest of his life (and I definitely wanted to get away from the cruelty of my mother and stepfather)--and they were so MEAN to him that his parents actually hated me and advised him to find someone else.  He listened.  I don't blame him.
NOW I realize--after all these years--that the truth was that my mother not only wanted me out of her house--she wanted me out of the area we lived in as I had reached the point of starting to tell people how dysfunctional/cruel/crazy they were--and that did not fit into my Nmother's facade of how well she married and how wonderful THEY were:  I was just a troublemaker and they just "didn't know what to do with me."  (Let me inform you that I never got in any trouble, did not have bad character, all my teachers/kids/significant others liked me as I was popular in school, i.e. homecoming candidate)  I actually didn't realize that that was the reason they were so mean to him until I was speaking with my mother who told me recently that she knew my boyfriend would be the type to marry, stay married and never get a divorce!  God forbid, I should marry a guy like that.   
I was so confused--and so very naive (ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs) when I was younger (before 42)--that I couldn't understand why they treated him so cruelly all these years, and just took the hurt when he dumped me, grieved over it, moved on and repressed all the emotions as best I could.
I realize now that the reason they didn't want me to marry him as my Nmother didn't want me to stay around the area they lived in!  Boy! was I naive!  She didn't want me to ruin the facade of how wonderful she/stepfather were which, of course, was just that:  a facade.  And, of course, she knew it.  (To update you, the stepfather's background Nmother discovered after I was out of the house which was he was thrown out of law school his last 2 months before finishing for raping a girl on campus, had the Police looking for him for other rapes, was caught trying to pick up a little 9-11 y.o. grl when he was in his 80's, etc.  And this from a guy who could have been in Mensa, made tons of money with his brains, and had the potential to achieve in business.  But what a loser!)
To sum this up, when I was getting my degree in Psychology and learned about sociopaths, I wondered for years if that was what my Nmother was.  She was such a liar about everything! 
I KNOW she is definitely a narcissist, and the entire world centers around her and her needs always.
Now that she can no longer lie as she has lost the ability to do it well, I am getting the truth and it isn't positive for me.
My question to you people (who have had some similar experiences) is how do I get cope with these feelings of being unworthy of being unloved now and for the rest of my life? 
I definitely plan to start a business and work like a demon so long as I can when this experience is over (she dies).  This I have always done, and enjoy working and succeeding.  I figure, for me, this is the best selfesteem builder I know.  And I plan to nurture myself by exercising (you need to do this to stay limber in your 60's anyway), and fixing myself up lookswise so well as I can.
But there will always be a hole in my heart to know that I had a mother (father and stepfather) who cared nothing for me at all.  Of course, I don't take this personally as they didn't have the ability to love anyone.
For years, I could fool myself that I was cared for some, at least, by my Nmother.  Once I moved far away, I was so devastated that she wouldn't make the trip to see us it affected me terribly. ( Even tho my child has never said anything, it had to have affected his life for the negative, also.) I knew then that she didn't care all that much.  Maybe I just grew up and took off the rose colored glasses.
How do I fill this void and deep hurt I have?  The realization of how BAD it really was is far worse that I ever expected by coming here to help her.  I was thinking that this this experience would heal all old wounds and answer all my questions as to why she did all the horrible things to me that happened and she allowed to happen.  Reality has hit, and I see that the reason for all of this was that she not only didn't want me and didn't care, but almost some kind of power trip over an object of resentment.  The reality of all this--and knowing she will die and it will never heal--is not what I expected when I came here.  I was looking for a positive closure, but I can see it will never come to me now.  The reality of my childhood and life concerning my mother is far harsher than I fantasized.
Any suggestions other than what I have planned to do? 
I can work out the RAGE and INSULT I feel at being uncared for with exercise.  I can build my self-esteem by succeeding at work.  I can control my looks by improving them, and work on my body with exercise. 
Any other suggestions? 
And I don't feel like "forgiving" them for their cruel behavior for me, so what do I do now?  Any suggestions?  And please do not suggest therapy as some of my closest friends are therapists.
CAN this hole in my heart ever be healed?  Is it possible at all to do it?????

[Sela]

Hi Anastasia:

Welcome Anastasia.  So sorry you have such a cold, unloving, inconsiderate mother and that the stuff you are hearing now hurts you so much: 

The realization of how BAD it really was is far worse that I ever expected

Not very nice for you at all.  Not easy to ingest and digest and .......maybe that's what has to happen?
Maybe you will just have to process it all.....go through it......really feel it......and......then ....poop it out?

It sounds like you're grieving the loss of your mother......of what she could/should have been and trying to accept what she is.  That's very hard stuff and I commend you for doing that.   It's not easy.

And I don't feel like "forgiving" them for their cruel behavior for me, so what do I do now?

I think it will take time.  I think their cruel behaviour hurt you a lot and you have to release those feelings before you will ever be interested in forgiving them.

how do I get cope with these feelings of being unworthy of being unloved now and for the rest of my life?

I think there are actually two issues here.

1.  How do you cope with the realization that your mother doesn't love you?
2.  How do you release the feelings related to that realization?

The answer to 1 might be whatever works best for you that doesn't hurt you or anyone else.  In other words....however you have to get this realization solidly installed is probably good and necessary.

Next, I think it's important to become totally aware of how you feel about that realization and then find healthy ways to release those feelings (like excercising, as you've said, also how about writing your feelings down, posting here, talking with another person you trust, talking to a pillow pretending it's your mother, etc).

 I don't think you have to carry the feelings around with you forever but the realization will not change, so I guess I understand that part of your question......if that's what you mean.  Hopefully, as you release your feelings about your mother's lack of caring......might actually help you to cope with the realization.

The "unworthy" feelings......those are the real tricksters, if you ask me.  I think you have the right idea about trying to build up your self-esteem and that can be done in a number of ways and as you've listed by setting goals and achieving them, looking after yourself physically and working on your "looks".

I think too.....emotionally caring for yourself would be a good goal.  What do you do for yourself in that department?  Do you share your feelings with a close friend/partner?  Do you do affirmations or positive self-talk?  Do you have any pets?

CAN this hole in my heart ever be healed.

Ofcourse it can.  Will it be healed?  Personally, I think this is something only you can decide to make happen.  When you feel ready, I bet it will happen.

It is probably really hard for that to happen right now, though, as you are in direct contact with your mother and it sounds like she is saying nasty things to you?

Have you thought about placing her in alternate care?  Just wondering?

  Sela

[Sugarbear]

I KNOW she is definitely a narcissist, and the entire world centers around her and her needs always.
Now that she can no longer lie as she has lost the ability to do it well, I am getting the truth and it isn't positive for me.
My question to you people (who have had some similar experiences) is how do I get cope with these feelings of being unworthy of being unloved now and for the rest of my life?

How do I fill this void and deep hurt I have? The realization of how BAD it really was is far worse that I ever expected by coming here to help her. I was thinking that this this experience would heal all old wounds and answer all my questions as to why she did all the horrible things to me that happened and she allowed to happen. Reality has hit, and I see that the reason for all of this was that she not only didn't want me and didn't care, but almost some kind of power trip over an object of resentment. The reality of all this--and knowing she will die and it will never heal--is not what I expected when I came here. I was looking for a positive closure, but I can see it will never come to me now. The reality of my childhood and life concerning my mother is far harsher than I fantasized.
Any suggestions other than what I have planned to do?
I can work out the RAGE and INSULT I feel at being uncared for with exercise. I can build my self-esteem by succeeding at work. I can control my looks by improving them, and work on my body with exercise.
Any other suggestions?
And I don't feel like "forgiving" them for their cruel behavior for me, so what do I do now? Any suggestions? And please do not suggest therapy as some of my closest friends are therapists.
CAN this hole in my heart ever be healed? Is it possible at all to do it?????

I don't know that anything I can say is going to provide any comfort...I have an N mother, but she was of a different type than yours and I grew up in basically a decent family (it's the adult part that is sucking for me...).

The best I can tell you is that you sound like a strong and remarkable person. You came through a childhood that should have crippled you, and instead you found the inner strength to make something of yourself despite the abuse and neglect.

You don't have to forgive her.

She was not a good mother. She probably ranks up there on the "bad mother" hall of fame. Even now, you held onto the ideal that with her sickness, you would at last be able to bond and grow closer as a mother and daughter should be. This is because you are a good person, who only wants to be loved and most of all loved by your mother, who is SUPPOSED to love you "no matter what." She is not nor has she ever been able to truly love you, like she should have done.

You have the right to be angry at this. It is unfair, and not in any way your fault. There was nothing you could have done to change this - it was in her well before you came along. It was a chance happening that she was your mother, just like your eye color or whether you turn out tall or short... you don't get to choose so you are kind of left hoping for the best, and sometimes fate lets you down.

The hard thing here is that you have to understand that her being a horrible mother does NOT change that you were/are a wonderful, caring person WORTHY OF LOVING. It is easy to say, but to internalize... well, good luck. You will have to work on separating your sense of self-worth from your mother's judgements. You are giving her too much power over how you feel about yourself - take it back!

I read a book recently, (can't remember the author) that might be of interest... "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends"

I wish I knew something that would truely help you...

[Hopalong]

Anastasia, welcome.
And thanks for sharing your hard story...you are so not alone. And YES you can heal!!

I tripped over this a little bit, folks above have answered more practically than I. But I did stumble here:

And please do not suggest therapy as some of my closest friends are therapists.

I'm not suggesting, just confused, since I don't see how the first part of the sentence relates to the second? With friend Ts, you'd hear them use the language...but that's all. Not at all the same as one's own separate relationship with an objective T. Their NOT being your friend is what makes the deep healing possible...no "friend T" can help you do that, nor should they try. I read up on "dual relationships" -- a big deal in psychotherapy. (Big deal to avoid, that is.) For the first time I understood that transference is a positive thing, and that it depends on T's being not in your personal life.

Anyway, if that's not an option for you I totally echo the wise words of Sela and Sugarbear.

NMoms are the most painful kind, I think. The entire WORLD wants us to trust a mother's love. I do think, am slowly discovering (I have an NMom too but not as extreme as yours) that the old chestnut of "mothering yourself" is actually real. You're nurturing yourself in a lot of good ways, I feel...but the interpersonal dimension seems missing.

Anybody you can trust inperson with this pain? If not a T, a philosopher? A teacher? A minister?

Hopalong

[pennyplant]

Will read more of this thread when I have time as it is very important.

Both of my parents, at separate times, but when I was an adult in my thirties, told me that if they had their lives to live over again they would not have had children.  I asked each of them--not even me who was well-behaved and tried to be good and have grown up to not be any kind of burden and had a good family?  Even me?  And both said, nope not even you.  What a shock that was to know that there could even exist in this world people who wouldn't think it was worth it even when the child turned out well.  So, I was wrong to try to be so good all the time.  I couldn't possibly have been good enough.

My father realized at the end of his life just what it did mean to have me for his daughter and would tell the nurses at the hospital and the nursing home, just wait till you meet my daughter, she has long red hair and straight teeth (I guess that was his ideal of beauty!)  When he began hallucinating, it was often images of me.  Once I heard him ask the nurse, would you check to see if that is my daughter I hear, I can't stand it if it is just a hallucination again.  So, it is possible for a person to come to their senses and I will always treasure the knowledge that my father finally realized that it was good to have me for his daughter.

My mother has a ways to go.....

I know of someone else whose parents will tell anyone who will listen that they wish they hadn't had children.  This was said at their grandson's christening party.  There are some very flawed people in this world.  And we have to recover from them, over and over again.

pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Now after thoroughly reading this--this is just me--but working on yourself as far as "improving" your looks, phyisical condition, pouring yourself into business...none of those things is the problem.  You need to feel your feelings.  Whatever those feelings are.  Grief seems like a big one.  Anger.  Resentment.

I give myself persmission to feel what I want even if I'm in public or at work.  If my feelings are difficult ones, I give myself permission to be quiet and keep to myself if possible while performing my duties.  My job happens to be good for that sometimes.  At night before I go to sleep I will mull over how I feel or if I can't feel anything I'll replay in my imagination a memory that I know reach down into my heart and pull out my feelings.  Writing is a very good idea.  Equally as important is to re-read the writing every so often.  Read what you just wrote.  Read something from weeks ago.  Read something you wrote at a time when you were facing similar difficulties and see if you feel the same way or have grown past it.

You have to let yourself feel your emotioins, all of them.  Eventually that can heal you little by little.

Might also have to find a way to get away from your mother even though she is so old and needy.  She sounds like poison.

pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Pennyplant,

That's staggering cruelty and selfishness and makes me very very very angry and veyr very sad.

The image of your father's desperate longing to wring parting love out of dementia is unforgettable.

IT IS A VERY GOOD THING THAT YOU WERE BORN AND I AM EXTREMELY GLAD THAT YOU EXIST ON THIS EARTH AND I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT QUITE A FEW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY AND WHAT'S MORE LIFE STRETCHES LONG AHEAD SO THERE WILL BE EVEN MORE PEOPLE YET WHO LOVE YOU AND ARE SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE AND IN SPITE OF THE HEARTBREAKING SELFISHNESS OF THESE TWO "PARENTS" YOU DID RECEIVE LIFE ITSELF AND I HOPE YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY. FULL OF LOVE AND JOY.

It is the only right answer to the whistling wind sound running through their hollow hearts.

(Sorry for the shouting there but I was upset.)

Hopalong

[pennyplant]

It is upsetting.  When my husband told me about the friend whose parents told everyone at their grandson's christening party that they wished they hadn't had children, I was just stunned.  I said I was glad I hadn't been there because I would have made a scene and it would have further ruined what should have been a perfect day for the new parents and their son.

I had thought I was the only person whose parents said they wished they had never had children so it made me feel less alone, but what a terrible thing.  It explained so much about this friend (not a close friend but someone we've known a long time, have seen some serious problems over the years, now it makes sense).

Sometimes I have thought, well it's one thing to feel that way about your children, but you certainly shouldn't tell them.  But that's dumb.  Really, I can't imagine actually feeling that way about your children.  I have never regretted my children and we did not have a storybook family.  But never regretted them.  So, I guess that shows how flawed these kind of people are.  They don't have the right feelings, the right thinking.  Some kind of serious damage.  Emotional blindness and deafness.  They don't grow, learn, or develop past a certain point.

pennyplant

[debbie]

Hi  Anastasia,

I wanted to encourage you that there is hope, Jesus Christ is the healer of the broken hearted, he healed my heart and brought peace to my heart nad mind, i had a mother that always said she wished she never had children and she always was kinder to my two half brothers though they would swear at her and be very disrespectful while i did so much for her that they didn't do and was always respectful yet she was never like a mother in fact she was jealous that i was happily married instead of happy for me, i could never do enough, she even blamed me for my fathers murder, i was an eyewitness to my fathers murder and she was the one that knew it was going to happen and coild have telephoned us to prevent it from happening yet she said it was my fault, which happened when i was 15 years old. I was hospitalized for 3 days from the shock i went into from seeing my father murdered and doctors thought i would never speak again, but after 3 days of not speaking i did speak again. The power of a grandmas prayers made a difference. i will be praying for you and prayer does make a difference. God loves you and wants to help you. 

Debbie

Hi Anastasia, welcome back,

penny, welcome.

When I was younger my mother told me an interesting story about how when you really want to have a child, the slightest thing can cause bleeding while when you don't want children at all, you can jump from the tallest building and the baby will be just fine.

When I asked how in the world did she know this, She said coldly, "Because I didn't want not one of you guys".

My mother gave birth to six kids, but it's common knowledge that she was pregnant ten times, and she tried to abort both me and my sister without success.

It's terrible knowing you wasn't wanted ,huh?

Anastasia, I think Penny has given you great advice.

I, too, like Hop, paused when I read your sentence about therapists. Do you have something against them?

Perhaps you've had a bad experience?

A freind and a therapist are two different things. I'd tell my T things I'd never tell a friend, not even a close one. And you know, many, many therapists have abusive pasts, which is why they were attracted to the profession in the first place. They may still be on their own path to healing as well, which will render them unable to really help you as a friend. Just a thought.

I hope you find peace, too,

jac

[deborahkfinley]

Hi  Anastasia,

I wanted to encourage you that there is hope, Jesus Christ is the healer of the broken hearted, he healed my heart and brought peace to my heart nad mind, i had a mother that always said she wished she never had children and she always was kinder to my two half brothers though they would swear at her and be very disrespectful while i did so much for her that they didn't do and was always respectful yet she was never like a mother in fact she was jealous that i was happily married instead of happy for me, i could never do enough, she even blamed me for my fathers murder, i was an eyewitness to my fathers murder and she was the one that knew it was going to happen and coild have telephoned us to prevent it from happening yet she said it was my fault, which happened when i was 15 years old. I was hospitalized for 3 days from the shock i went into from seeing my father murdered and doctors thought i would never speak again, but after 3 days of not speaking i did speak again. The power of a grandmas prayers made a difference. i will be praying for you and prayer does make a difference. God loves you and wants to help you. 

Debbie

Hi Anastasia, welcome back,

penny, welcome.

When I was younger my mother told me an interesting story about how when you really want to have a child, the slightest thing can cause bleeding while when you don't want children at all, you can jump from the tallest building and the baby will be just fine.

When I asked how in the world did she know this, She said coldly, "Because I didn't want not one of you guys".

My mother gave birth to six kids, but it's common knowledge that she was pregnant ten times, and she tried to abort both me and my sister without success.

It's terrible knowing you wasn't wanted ,huh?

Anastasia, I think Penny has given you great advice.

I, too, like Hop, paused when I read your sentence about therapists. Do you have something against them?

Perhaps you've had a bad experience?

A freind and a therapist are two different things. I'd tell my T things I'd never tell a friend, not even a close one. And you know, many, many therapists have abusive pasts, which is why they were attracted to the profession in the first place. They may still be on their own path to healing as well, which will render them unable to really help you as a friend. Just a thought.

I hope you find peace, too,

jac

[deborahkfinley]

Hi  Anastasia,

I wanted to encourage you that there is hope, Jesus Christ is the healer of the broken hearted, he healed my heart and brought peace to my heart nad mind, i had a mother that always said she wished she never had children and she always was kinder to my two half brothers though they would swear at her and be very disrespectful while i did so much for her that they didn't do and was always respectful yet she was never like a mother in fact she was jealous that i was happily married instead of happy for me, i could never do enough, she even blamed me for my fathers murder, i was an eyewitness to my fathers murder and she was the one that knew it was going to happen and coild have telephoned us to prevent it from happening yet she said it was my fault, which happened when i was 15 years old. I was hospitalized for 3 days from the shock i went into from seeing my father murdered and doctors thought i would never speak again, but after 3 days of not speaking i did speak again. The power of a grandmas prayers made a difference. i will be praying for you and prayer does make a difference. God loves you and wants to help you. 

Debbie

Hi Anastasia, welcome back,

penny, welcome.

When I was younger my mother told me an interesting story about how when you really want to have a child, the slightest thing can cause bleeding while when you don't want children at all, you can jump from the tallest building and the baby will be just fine.

When I asked how in the world did she know this, She said coldly, "Because I didn't want not one of you guys".

My mother gave birth to six kids, but it's common knowledge that she was pregnant ten times, and she tried to abort both me and my sister without success.

It's terrible knowing you wasn't wanted ,huh?

Anastasia, I think Penny has given you great advice.

I, too, like Hop, paused when I read your sentence about therapists. Do you have something against them?

Perhaps you've had a bad experience?

A freind and a therapist are two different things. I'd tell my T things I'd never tell a friend, not even a close one. And you know, many, many therapists have abusive pasts, which is why they were attracted to the profession in the first place. They may still be on their own path to healing as well, which will render them unable to really help you as a friend. Just a thought.

I hope you find peace, too,

jac

In short, I have been taking care of my Nmother for a little over a year now as she is very old and needs the assistance now. Quick background is that she did not see me or her grandson for a little over 21 years after I moved a few days away from her (abusive stepfather didn't need to be near my son when he was growing up like I was).
Nmother was aware of why I moved away as I was very explicit and very plainspeaking, so she could not possibly have interpreted my move to be anything but what it was: I was not going to raise my son where my stepfather could steal him (to spite me) or Nmother and stepfather could have the chance to talk badly about me (like always) and put me down in front of my child. Despite begging her to visit, she would not come. I realize now that she came to visit me when I lived in Chicago a couple hours away is that it was different for her to visit the big city and it was convenient. So, for her, this was like a quick vacation where she was close enough to home she could jump on a bus/train/whatever and get home quickly if she got mad at me or didn't feel like staying near me.
Once I moved a few days away, she could not get home quickly. She KNOWS she has treated me so badly--and definitely allowed my stepfather to abuse me--that she was protecting herself from the upbraiding she deserves. She didn't want to be taken to task for her abuses.
This, folks, is a woman who did not care for her daughter/grandchild. How clearly I see this picture now. And it is what I suspected, but now has been confirmed.
Now, since she has lost that heirarchal thinking that is so necessary to lie (which is why old people are so damned blunt), I am getting the truth--which, I reallize now--may be more damaging to me than I thought it was going to be.
A number of times I have asked her what she wished she had done differently and all the things you talk about when someone is old. All I get from her is that she wished she had been able to take the opportunity to move to California (this would have been during WWII) with her girlfriend, but she couldn't as she had me (too much money to support both of us if she were to move).
Never ONCE in these past 14 months has she talked about me as an infant/child in a positive, loving way like I would do about my child. For instance, I love my son--despite wanting to kick his ass at times--so much that I remember so many cute, clever and charming things he has done over the years that I am filled with positive memories about him.
What I am trying to say here is that I REALIZE that what I have guessed over the years was really true: this woman RESENTED having me--she definitely never wanted kids at all (as I heard repeatedly over my lifetime growing up)--and just couldn't wait for me to grow up enough to get the hell out of the house. She started really stepping up the nastiness when I was about 12, and it just kept getting worse. By the time I was in my high school years and the first two years of college, I was so nervous that I couldn't even relax enough to concentrate in school. Needless to say, I did way, way below my ability and my grades reflected it. And it wasn't until I was 8 years away and miles away that I could relax enough to be that A student I had the ability to be and finish that degree.
I had a boyfriend I was so in love with when I was 18-19. One of the, maybe, 3 men I really, really loved in my life, but he was my first true love. I actually dreamed about this guy 10 years after he dumped me. And why did he dump me? Because he wanted to get married, live in our hometown for the rest of his life (and I definitely wanted to get away from the cruelty of my mother and stepfather)--and they were so MEAN to him that his parents actually hated me and advised him to find someone else. He listened. I don't blame him.
NOW I realize--after all these years--that the truth was that my mother not only wanted me out of her house--she wanted me out of the area we lived in as I had reached the point of starting to tell people how dysfunctional/cruel/crazy they were--and that did not fit into my Nmother's facade of how well she married and how wonderful THEY were: I was just a troublemaker and they just "didn't know what to do with me." (Let me inform you that I never got in any trouble, did not have bad character, all my teachers/kids/significant others liked me as I was popular in school, i.e. homecoming candidate) I actually didn't realize that that was the reason they were so mean to him until I was speaking with my mother who told me recently that she knew my boyfriend would be the type to marry, stay married and never get a divorce! God forbid, I should marry a guy like that.
I was so confused--and so very naive (ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs) when I was younger (before 42)--that I couldn't understand why they treated him so cruelly all these years, and just took the hurt when he dumped me, grieved over it, moved on and repressed all the emotions as best I could.
I realize now that the reason they didn't want me to marry him as my Nmother didn't want me to stay around the area they lived in! Boy! was I naive! She didn't want me to ruin the facade of how wonderful she/stepfather were which, of course, was just that: a facade. And, of course, she knew it. (To update you, the stepfather's background Nmother discovered after I was out of the house which was he was thrown out of law school his last 2 months before finishing for raping a girl on campus, had the Police looking for him for other rapes, was caught trying to pick up a little 9-11 y.o. grl when he was in his 80's, etc. And this from a guy who could have been in Mensa, made tons of money with his brains, and had the potential to achieve in business. But what a loser!)
To sum this up, when I was getting my degree in Psychology and learned about sociopaths, I wondered for years if that was what my Nmother was. She was such a liar about everything!
I KNOW she is definitely a narcissist, and the entire world centers around her and her needs always.
Now that she can no longer lie as she has lost the ability to do it well, I am getting the truth and it isn't positive for me.
My question to you people (who have had some similar experiences) is how do I get cope with these feelings of being unworthy of being unloved now and for the rest of my life?
I definitely plan to start a business and work like a demon so long as I can when this experience is over (she dies). This I have always done, and enjoy working and succeeding. I figure, for me, this is the best selfesteem builder I know. And I plan to nurture myself by exercising (you need to do this to stay limber in your 60's anyway), and fixing myself up lookswise so well as I can.
But there will always be a hole in my heart to know that I had a mother (father and stepfather) who cared nothing for me at all. Of course, I don't take this personally as they didn't have the ability to love anyone.
For years, I could fool myself that I was cared for some, at least, by my Nmother. Once I moved far away, I was so devastated that she wouldn't make the trip to see us it affected me terribly. ( Even tho my child has never said anything, it had to have affected his life for the negative, also.) I knew then that she didn't care all that much. Maybe I just grew up and took off the rose colored glasses.
How do I fill this void and deep hurt I have? The realization of how BAD it really was is far worse that I ever expected by coming here to help her. I was thinking that this this experience would heal all old wounds and answer all my questions as to why she did all the horrible things to me that happened and she allowed to happen. Reality has hit, and I see that the reason for all of this was that she not only didn't want me and didn't care, but almost some kind of power trip over an object of resentment. The reality of all this--and knowing she will die and it will never heal--is not what I expected when I came here. I was looking for a positive closure, but I can see it will never come to me now. The reality of my childhood and life concerning my mother is far harsher than I fantasized.
Any suggestions other than what I have planned to do?
I can work out the RAGE and INSULT I feel at being uncared for with exercise. I can build my self-esteem by succeeding at work. I can control my looks by improving them, and work on my body with exercise.
Any other suggestions?
And I don't feel like "forgiving" them for their cruel behavior for me, so what do I do now? Any suggestions? And please do not suggest therapy as some of my closest friends are therapists.
CAN this hole in my heart ever be healed? Is it possible at all to do it?????

[2224Jessica]

To  Anastasia (love the name)
Wow, you've been through all that. I don't really know what to say, my mother was damn awful and I am still healing. I really do feel for you. I think you must be strong to endure that. I think everyone is different, therapy isn't the only answer. Things that I have found helpful to heal are:
Accepting myself
nurting myself
expressing through art
Allowing myself to feel the way I do, I don't rush myself or avoid them
This support group has been wonderful, there are many caring and insightful people here
journelling
realizing my upbringing wasn't my fault and I am not responsible for my mum
I have also let anything from my mum negatively affect me no more
Realizing theres no hope for my mum but I'm going to make sure there is hope for me.
She took away my childhood, she's not going to take away any more
finding relaxation techniques.
selfhelp books and researchng

It does sound like your mum is definately a narc, my mum is too. You can't reason with them. I was called the "crazy" one too. I didn't conform to the facade and thus I was "crazy" Though she couldn't give any decent reason for this. And her way of dealing wth me when I confronted her was "Lies". I left all the time too. I didn't finish highschool either so I could get work and be able to leave and support myself.

My theory for dealing with such pain of this (mother not caring). is to see that she doesn't get it, she doesn't know what she is, what she is doing etc. I see my mum as a robot who's only sees her own feelings and emotions. They are not capable of nurturing. They have lost the ablity to see the truth. I am slowly letting go of my mother and the dream. Will I always be sad? maybe I don't know yet. I see it as I never had a mother, because thats easier to deal with because she never was nice to me.


My question to you people (who have had some similar experiences) is how do I get cope with these feelings of being unworthy of being unloved now and for the rest of my life? 

Now that you have seen the truth, accepted the truth, seeking answers, and a way to cope means that you are already on the journey of healing. I was very angry when I saw the truth of what my mum was. I didn't know what to do, I didn't think I'd ever stop feeling angry. It is one of the stages of grief. Allow yourself to go through this, everyone goes through the stages at different paces and in different ways.
I have a baby girl and a 3 year old boy so as a mother and nurture them,  I mother and nurture myself too. This helps me. You love and nurture your son, You see your son as worthy and loved, so don't you think you deserve that too.

A poem that really has helped me is:
Journey to Destiny

A world where life true meaning has little value
Patience has no virtue
Peace and Harmony are non-existent
Hatred and despair is of greatest value
A world where love, sharing and caring should over flow
With giving and trust
An abundance of kindness should be of good for all
But all you have left is a broken spirit and a wounded heart
Is there anyone left who cares? And who you can trust?
With creativity and true expression, peace and harmony
With wisdom gained is strength that is achieved
Use caution to the wind for ignorance is their bliss
They will not know when or how to receive
Continue on your path to find your destiny
Use the utmost caution how it is you proceed
Believe in your intuition it will never lie
And share with all your greatest gifts without condition
Doing this you will find your special friend
A special friend that will guide you to that sacred place
A place that is yours and only yours alone
To meet your child within
Remember to reach out and accept it
Remember to embrace it, and nurture it
For it is young and hurt
But this is the key and all your questions will be answered
And watch to truth unfold
Before you know it your broken spirit and your wounded heart
Will be at peace and harmony
You will have reached the end of your of your journey and have your destiny
Spread your wings and fly
At last you will be set free

My prayers and thoughts are with you
Jessica

[Anastasia]

Thank you for such caring and words of wisdom from my fellow Nparent survivors!   I plan to read and reread what you have written.
Nmother has gone on and on (about twice a week at least) about how she regrets marrying my biological father. At first, I took it at face value.  Since it has gone on so long, I understand it is her way of saying that she regrets having given birth to me.  And she proudly tells me (how many times in my life have I heard this story) how she used straight Lysol to douche, burn her insides and to insure she never had any more kids.  None of this is new information. (FYI:  Lysol was THE only douche liquid available in the 40's and 50's for you younger readers.) 
Having an Nmother like this one used to depress me so much when I was young that--when I had my period--I was actually suicidal.  Not that I ever would do it, but I would fantasize about suicide.  Now, if you met me, you would never have believed it as I don't seem the "type."  But I did.  So, now I talk to younger women about the ups and downs of your hormones during that time of the month and what I experienced.  Thank God for menopause!  That part of my life is totally over; and, as we all know, depression is nothing more than anger turned inward.
The anger is where it belongs now.  I no longer get depressed.  I am, however, reliving the feelings of frustration since I cannot escape her physically now, since I live with her while taking care of her.
Now I think my job is to finish mourning the loss of the fantasy of what should have been...but what never was.  And I feel sure that the Universe put this opportunity in front of me to finish up this business for a reason. 
Nmother is an old 87, this is not forever that I am here.
In the interim, exercising, reading, studying different subjects, making plans for the future, talking or going out with friends and so forth--besides taking care of Nmother--keeps me busy.  Usually, I can keep my feelings in check...but sometimes I get overwhelmed with old feelings being stirred up.  The "unfairness" of it all is hard to deal with at times, but life never promised any of us fairness, did it?  Like I said before, nobody but another child of a Narcissist would even believe this story, would they?


 

[Sela]

Hi Anastasia:

Thank you for such caring and words of wisdom from my fellow Nparent survivors!

Thankyou for your kind words about postings.  That's nice of you to say!!  I think you'll find lot's of people who understand what you've experienced/are experiencing and plenty who will support you.  I'm glad you're here!

Nmother has gone on and on (about twice a week at least) about how she regrets marrying my biological father. At first, I took it at face value.  Since it has gone on so long, I understand it is her way of saying that she regrets having given birth to me.

This regret....seems to be a big thought for her... one that she keeps voicing a couple times per week eh?
She probably regrets a lot of stuff........marrying your father, giving birth.....whatever.  I guess she might think her life would have been so different, so much better....had she made different choices???

It sure is a mean thing to say though.  I would feel unwanted, unloved, hurt and very sad, I think, hearing that.  I'm sorry she keeps saying this Anastasia.  Can you think of it as "the disease talking"???  Would that help?

And she proudly tells me (how many times in my life have I heard this story) how she used straight Lysol to douche, burn her insides and to insure she never had any more kids.

Wow!!  This is a woman who is not well, imo.  To speak of such a thing, over and over to her child....to send such a message......that this is how to treat oneself, one's offspring, one's unborn!!  Saying the extent she went to to avoid having anottthhhhhhhhhher child!!  Like the one she had was not wanted!!  It's shocking and seems very sick to me.  I'm sorry she did that, Anastasia, and for how you felt hearing it, and that you had to listen to it so many times, that she kept giving you these awful messages over and over.  That was mean and nasty and very sick.   "the disease" has been talking for some time eh?

That part of my life is totally over;

I'm glad you are putting that part of your life (the depression/ thoughts of suicide) in the past and seeing it as over.  I think that's a good thing.  I'm glad to hear that!!

... as we all know, depression is nothing more than anger turned inward.

Yes, I've heard this before and I think it happens too.  For me, I've felt depressed.....been deeply depressed sometimes...for extended periods....but I didn't feel it was anger....just sadness......feeling hurt and alone......lost......etc.  It was anger, actually, that seemed to emerge, one or two times, and bring me out....of depression.  Hmmmmm.  I wonder if it was in there to begin with and I just didn't know it?  I don't know.  Other times, it did seem like hormones or not enough sunlight or just a conglomeration of thoughts.. that once I decided to think differently, and started doing that, I felt much better.  Whatever causes it or contributes to it or whatnot......depression is no fun eh?

Anyway....I'm glad you're not feeling depressed now.  I'm happy to hear about all the activities you are doing to keep yourself busy and hopefully....add some enjoyment to your life, and that you are making future plans.  I like that you see this as an "opportunity" and that you are keeping in mind that this won't last forever.  Those are all great things to hear!

Usually, I can keep my feelings in check...but sometimes I get overwhelmed with old feelings being stirred up.

I find it's what I think that makes such a difference in regard to how I feel.  When I start letting my thoughts drift or focus on one thing....especially one negative thing.....I get into a real state.  It's hard to try to see the whole picture and especially pick out the good from it, sometimes.  But I really believe this is one way to help myself move forward, rather than remain looking behind so much and it helps me to feel hopeful, rather than hopeless.

I am, however, reliving the feelings of frustration since I cannot escape her physically ...

I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you.  Can you pretend you don't hear her?  Ignor her rude or mean comments?  Change the subject?  Laugh and smile and give the impression that you are deaf to those kinds of messages?     She's confused right?  Remind yourself of this!  Distract her if possible.  Put up a mental blockade around your heart that won't allow her words to penetrate.  Maybe tell yourself:  "It is the disease talking"?    Maybe this would help?

The "unfairness" of it all is hard to deal with at times, but life never promised any of us fairness, did it?

It is unfair, isn't it?  I think it's ok to acknowledge that and to feel the feelings that go with that and mourn the losses that could have been, or should have been, or might have been.  Those feelings have to come out, or they will only stay painfully swallowed, like they are choked down or something.  And like bad soup, or moldy cheese, they'll come back up......eventually... and maybe....make a bigger mess.

I'm sorry how unfair it is for you Anastasia.  I'm also glad that you have come through with a voice that sounds very kind and caring and considerate.  You're not like you're mother!!  You don't sound at all like her, imo.

Sela

[Anastasia]

Well, I think you "get" me and my position totally here, Sela.  I just read your letter.
Yes, she has always been sick but she was given the SAME message from her mother.  I think she is reliving her emotional hurt by foisting it on me, i.e. her mother always told her she "wished I hadn't had you."  So, my Grandmother said it to my Mother; and my Mother said the same things to me--only my Mother is sicker.  Much sicker, more selfish and self-centered, crueler.  My Grandmother was not a narcissist, but a bitter country woman with a harsh life out on a farm.  She took it out on my Mother alot, I think. 
This situation reminds me of Dr. Grossman's story on the "What Helps" board (Bang, bang, bang posting) about how deep the sickess goes in his family, also.  I know I am not alone here.   
No, I didn't repeatedly tell my child I wish he wasn't born over and over.  Gosh, I really, really wanted to be a mother by the time I had him (33).  He was really wanted by me.  And I tried to give him what I missed in life as best as I could.  Like I said, he's okay and I don't worry about him.
To be honest, I hate telling my story alot because it makes people react so strongly--that I end up feeling bad because I made them feel sad.  This is not my purpose.  I am not seeking pity from my confidants--just understanding.  Rarely will I ever talk about it anymore.  I find it upsets others too, too much for me to feel comfortable.  And I'm totally aware how bizzare my childhood parenting was. 
Luckily for me, my best friend (who has her own problems with family) is a psychologist and is familiar with narcissism.  She seems to be able to be pretty distant and objective when I talk to her about this craziness (I try to return the favor when she talks to me about her things, too).  I feel lucky to have someone I can trust to talk with on the phone.
And I feel tremendously grateful for this board and all your support.  I was surely feeling crazy with frustration yesterday.  You sure have helped me so much, guys!  I'm grateful you are here.