Am I living With A N?

[debokr]

Am I living With A N?

Been with my hubby for almost 13 years.   I have a previous marriage before this one and have two children who are young adults now 21 and 19.  I also have a child with my hubby now who is 11 years old.
I can honestly say I had many of red flags when I met him.  I was pregnant with  his son when all hell broke loose.  He had owned a store and showed a good source of income.  I had left my job with no intention of returning so I could enjoy my last child with being a stay at home mom.  I did not have that opportunity with my first two.  I found out that he was flat broke when they came to repo my car, turn off my elec, ect ect.  His store eventually closed up and he was covering up with his moms credit cards and cash as if it was his own.  His mom didn’t’ even know he had them.  He was very clever he would get her mail before she came home and the same with me.  No way for her to know what was being charged and no way for me to know they were sending me letters of non payment of my car and ect.  I was horrified and shocked.  How was I so stupid and let myself get set up.  He had done  and said everything that I read what typical N’s say and act like with the exception of abuse physical that is. When I speak to him about my feelings he can watch Tv, read the paper and answer me with uh huh or never mind.  He is so tuned out when confronted.
Confrontation makes him scared. When it’s his turn to talk he turns everything around and tells me it’s hard cause I cannot sore with Eagles.  I took control  of everything.  I realized he can not  be in control of anything financial. For the last 12years I had the finances in control and listened to some of his insane ideas.  I would not give him very much room and take him right back down to reality or let him know I wasn’t in his world I’m in the real one and it would pass.  I have taken self protection and I’m very capable of taking care of myself and my family.  What I don’t understand is if he has all the traits then why is he going along with my rules.  Thanks

[Hopalong]

Gosh, Debokr, what an ordeal.
I don't know how to diagnose anything, but it crossed my mind that maybe he is an N who also has some other issue, like a learning disability or severe untreated ADD, that makes it impossible for him to handle money management?

What a relief that you've taken charge.
I hope there is still some happiness in your life, or that you can see a way forward.

There's a lot of wisdom here, and I hope you'll find insight.

Hopalong

[Brigid]

Welcome debokr,
I couldn't say whether your h is n from the information you provided, but he probably has some negative n traits at the least.  My xnh was also very irresponsible with money and for the 22 years we were together, I always handled the finances and he had no issue with that.  Not all n's are totally controlling or even abusive--mine was neither.  The real litmus test is whether they have any empathy and they most always are compulsive liars.  Even those things can be faked and hidden for a long time.

You say he is following the rules, but do you know for a fact that he is not hiding things?  They can pretend to be doing one thing, but behind your back, doing something very different. 

It is good that you have the financial control that you do.  I know it was very helpful for me when we divorced as I had a very clear idea of what our financial situation was.  I learned from my first marriage where my ex totally controlled the finances and I had no idea what we had or where it was when the divorced occured.  Fortunately, at that time, I was young, gainfully employed and had no children so it was not so critical.  In my second divorce, there were two children involved and I had not worked outside the home for 20 years.

It might be helpful for you to consider some counselling--with or without your h. This may help you determine what is going on with the relationship.  It was my T who diagnosed my h with n, otherwise I would never have understood why he left our marriage so suddenly.

Blessings,

Brigid 

[write]

from what you say it's impossible to know if it's N; most Ns do baulk against imposed rules, even sensible ones, so the first signs of Nism are often that you agreed on something then they did something else, or undermined or battled with you or did something 'gransiose' to thwart you.

My ex would never get us into debt ( self-image ) and we've always paid every bill the day it came in...but even now - I want to contribute to our son's college fund more & he is being obstructive for no practical reason at all, just I know he feels I am influencing or controlling him and he's reacting to it.

'Soar with Eagles'?

???
Could be delusional, or is he involved in a religious group?
My friend's husband constantly tells her he is on a higher plane than she as their properties fall into default and he's serene, she's frantic.

[debokr]

Thanks for all your input.
I have posted another longer well really longer post to let you know a little more what goes on.

Soaring with Eagles.  I don't know what he means.  I take it as I could never be able to be on his level of thinking and that's why I don't understand him. He mostly says it when he don't  know what to say cause he feels trapped. 
He's not religious at all.
You'll see my other post and get a little more insight.
I use to read  all these post and fill myself with knowledge from you all but now I can't seem to shut up. I apologize for that but  my emotions and thoughts are just pouring out and it feels good to not ignore them anymore.  I feel safe here with other people who undrestand.

[moonlight52]

hi debokr  sounds like you are at the point where you will not tolerate these behaviors.as you say you have called him on them .
does not sound like he is putting children or family first and thats so painful.
the most important things are your feelings and the feelings of your son.
all that hiding stuff and the lies this is not good .
does he think he has any problems ?here is the trouble an n may say yes i have issues but really they wouldnt think anything was wrong with their behavior.my experiance is that of  an adult child of a n father .they can be very sneaky i know.
bless you hold on sounds like you are stronger than you know. hugs to you .i am glad you feel safe .i feel safe here too.
moonlight

[reallyME]

I agree with the others here...there isn't really enough specific information for me to say whether or not your husband is narcissistic or not.  If you'd like to check on that, you will want to read the following traits and check if he shows these:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html


amoral/conscienceless
authoritarian
care only about appearances
contemptuous
critical of others
cruel
disappointing gift-givers
don't recognize own feelings
envious and competitive
feel entitled
flirtatious or seductive
grandiose
hard to have a good time with
hate to live alone
 hyper-sensitive to criticism
impulsive
lack sense of humor
naive
passive
pessimistic
religious
secretive
self-contradictory
stingy
strange work habits
unusual eating habits
weird sense of time
 

[debokr]

Thanks again everyone. 
Thanks for the info and web site ReallyME.

I can say yes my husband is a N.  He has 19 traits of the list I have read.
Tommorrow night he is starting therapy. I didn't ask him to go this he decided on his own.  We shall see.  Time will tell. I wish him well and think it is a good thing.  The T will want me in on some sessions which is fine with me.  I am still going ahead with plans to better myself and make myself financially independent. I don't know if we will be together or not.  I'm not so sure I want to be. I'm not sure of anything right now.  I do know I want to get off the rollercoaster.    I'm removed emotionally right now and feeling some peace.  Thanks again to all.

[reallyME]

debokr,

I just want to warn ya about N's in therapy, just in case you come across this situation.  They are notorious for doing several things:

1.) Telling the therapist YOU are the one with the problem not them

2.) Telling the therapist that the therapist doesn't know what he/she is doing

3.)  Quitting therapy before they are helped

I'm not trying to burst a bubble here, but just remember that this could happen...not that it will, but N's are not ones who generally cooperate with counseling one iota.

Blessya,

Liz

[debokr]

ReallyME


I really don’t expect anything is going to come out of the Therapy.  I lived with  him long enough to know how he is going to react to things and that is I never know.


Update on the Therapy deal.

Well h came home from his first night of therapy.   The T called me today to confirm the appt. tonight.
I told him that I would not be attending this nights session due to (1) plans I had already had and would not change  them.  I have been changing my plans once to often cause of his screw-up.  (2)  he should start it on his own. 
H came home and really enjoyed it.  He seems very open to it and looks forward to the next session.
He said the T said he was a nice looking guy and seemed to be very intelligent and that he liked him the first20mins of talking. He said the T said the thing he liked was that H came in and was open for help and that makes the difference between others who come in kicking and screaming not really wanting to be there.  Oh what a very ,very smart T.  He has won over his attention for tonight at least and H loved the session.  He can’t wait till the next one.
Anyway, I’ll keep you updated.

Hugs to all.

[reallyME]

debokr,

YES please do keep us updated.  I know I at least would love to hear how the therapy goes, as I have some folks in my life who really need it and refuse to go and I'd like to know if and how it helps one who agreed to go.

~Liz