losing myself

[nightsong]

My husband and I have been talking about our relationship. In particualr I have become very aware of how I have lost myself since I've been with him. And he says he only really wants a relationship with someone who will surrender themselves to him like that. He needs to feel in control.

It was incredibly painful and ended with us talking about splitting up. I don't see him as a N, he and I have been able to talk about what's going on for a long time and in many ways he is loving and supportive. He's a good father and provider and I know I'm very lucky in all these ways.

But still, I have no real sense of myself outside his wife, the boys' mother. He's been very jealous when I've taken up activites so I've dropped them. I have a few good friends but seldom see them. I feel very alone and I have no idea what to do.

I would welcome your comments very much.

Nightsong

[Mags]

He sounds like he is an old fashioned man.
You need to honour yourself and respect yourself and your own needs.
He clearly doesn't meet your needs, so do what you have to do.  It's hard but you sound like a strong woman

[Mags]

No problem Bean, thanks for letting me know.

[seasons]

I agree with getting therapy. Having all control be would giving up on ever having a loving, compassionate, healthy realationship.
How long have you been married?

wishing you the best, seasons

[2224Jessica]

Hi Nightsong,

Some of my family members are quite controlling and my husband used to be very controlling. I put up with it for a while because I was conditioned to it from my family. My husband is a good husband too in many ways. However It did kill our friendship and intimacy after a while. I think people are controlling because of many different factors. There are probably reasons behind his controlling behavior. I really think it's worth looking into the why. Especially since it seems that your husband has a kind spirit. He seems to have a strong view that he needs to be in control. He probably knows on some level that it's not right but he probably doesn't know how to live without his need to control. Anyway, I'll tell you about my hubby....

My hubby is the eldest child of his family so as a child he was given alot of responsibility. Also his personality is very much a natural leader, take charge kind of person. So already he had this controlling way about him.
His dad was and is an emotionally unavailable father and his mum is a depressed, needy and abusive person. He was extremely hurt by the way he was raised and doesn't really remember alot of his childhood. He felt alone and as a child and ignored. He was also bullied. By the time he was 13, he found he was pysically strong. He didn't bash people but he threatened to if they harassed him. He also learnt that by shutting down his emotions and putting up a brick wall and being in charge at all times protected him and nobody could hurt him. He learnt not to trust anybody to get close to him too. When we dated he was the boss but I was used to my controlling mother. I was attracted to his witty, charming, intellect, ambitious and caring nature. He was a bit arrogant and cocky too but that didn't bother me at the time. We got married and as soon as we were married, he changed, he kept me at a distance, he no longer was playful and fun. He controlled me to fit the mould of a wife in his head. To be compliant, not complain, to nurture him and always show respect. He had the say in many aspects of our marriage.  He became this robot kind of guy that assumed the husband role of demanding respect, he hardly talked unless it was about something he was interested in. He sometimes seemed genuine and tried hard to be nice and all that but it was always controlled and at a distance. When I was upset about something, he would comfort me but if I was upset with him, he would become this stranger who then would either completely clam up and ignore me or tell me he was going out for a while and when he got back for me to get over my issue. I was never able to talk to him about issues, he would never hear it, however he never had a problem with telling me what he didn't like about me. I used to cry alot and be mad at him but felt powerless. I resented him and backed off emotionally from him too.
We both had low self esteem and were both abused in many ways as children.
Anyway, after alot of help and self growth we discovered that we had alot of baggage from our past and brought it into our marriage. He emotionally blocked out his parents and burried himself in university and work so when he married me, he blocked out me and was emotionally unavailable to me because he thought emotions were weak and unrelyable because they weren't factual, he didn't understand them, everything had to be logical in his worldview. He did say he loved me and I loved him, there were times we went along our merry ways and were pleasant to each other. We did go out and do the whole, "we are happy" act. I found many hobbies to fulfill me.  I felt unable to express my feelings and was again allowed no voice so I thought I was not worthy of voice. Also We had two beautiful children and I then realized after the birth of my first child that he was going to be loved and is going to be confident and I was going to be the best mother to him ever. It was then that I started being assertive to my hubby, he hated it. He is a great father and we do agree with alot of parent issues. He also shows warmth and care towards them. He is extremely nurturing with them. This used to baffle me because he still was distant from me. Anyway after alot of help, my husband broke down and opened up. He was like this sad and teary person who felt that people hurt if you open up to them. Also of childhood pain came out and he is incredibly afraid of rejection from me. He had issues with trusting women. His mother was horrible to him there are many many damaging things she did.  He thought that if I knew the real him, I wouldn't like him and wouldn't understand him. He didn't want me to leave him so he thought if her came across like the big strong man, I would respect him more. I told him I loved him for him and I want to know the real him.  After his choice to allow himself to longer control me, or circumstances and accept himself. We have both on a journey to healing and he still sometimes takes charge but I also realize that there are times when thats ok. But to allow me to be my own person and that we need to compromise on things. Boundary books have been really helpful too.

Anyway, whatever reason why your hubby is controlling, I think working out the why will help you guys. Because it's not ok for him to controll you. Good luck
Jessica

[moonlight52]

hello nightsong     so much control .i just would just wonder why does he need so much control?can you talk to him about his need for so much control ?being immersed in another is big red flag maybe you can  pull back and question where do i begin and where does he end.
i know how this feels and am trying learning who i am now.
oh bean i have a hard time setting boundaries but i am learning to do that now .within my small family and i am seeing improvement.
as far as the n in my life he scares me still .dumb i know .but i am lucky i now just do not see n-dad and am working with my husband and girls we are finding our way to work as a team .
all my hugs for all us Bambi's   strength in numbers yeah
moonlight

[nightsong]

Thank you all so much for your replies  . I was scared nobody would post - that's one of the many manifestations of voicelessness I suppose, that nobody would hear me. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

bean, yes we have both been in therapy (separately) in the past. i think different issues came up then. We discussed the possibility of couples therapy today, maybe that would help.

As for my feelings - I get numb very easily, so it's hard to say, but periodically I feel either suffocated (is that a feeling?) or very angry. i just passed a major milestone birthday and I have that 'is this all there is' feeling. Increasinly I just sense myself getting invisible which is very scary.

We talked more today and he's very unhappy about how I'm feeling but also very scared to relinquish any control. I think these are definitely therapy issues.

seasons, we have been married 23 years (gulp, seems a very long time!). This dynamic has always been here but seems worse now somehow. I used to be able to fight my corner better and retain some independence. Somehow the fight seems to be seeping out of me.

Jessica, thank you so much for sharing your experience. There were many parallels with my story. i know my husband too had an abusive childhood with vicious attacks from his father and inadequate protection from his mother. He learnt that to be in control was the only way to keep himself safe. Unfortuantely it spills over into this need to control those he loves. And of course I have gone along with it because he is/was charming, charismatic and promising me everything - some of which he has certainly delivered. It just seems to come at the price of any kind of freedom or autonomy for me.

bean and moonlight, you are right, boundaries is a key issue in all this. i grew up being my mother's little confidante with no needs or rights of my own - so I have always had difficulty with boundaries. They are either total or non-existent I think. Some more therapy issues i suppose ...

Bless you all

nghtsong

[Sallying Forth]

bean, yes we have both been in therapy (separately) in the past. i think different issues came up then. We discussed the possibility of couples therapy today, maybe that would help.

As for my feelings - I get numb very easily, so it's hard to say, but periodically I feel either suffocated (is that a feeling?) or very angry. i just passed a major milestone birthday and I have that 'is this all there is' feeling. Increasinly I just sense myself getting invisible which is very scary.

We talked more today and he's very unhappy about how I'm feeling but also very scared to relinquish any control. I think these are definitely therapy issues.

seasons, we have been married 23 years (gulp, seems a very long time!). This dynamic has always been here but seems worse now somehow. I used to be able to fight my corner better and retain some independence. Somehow the fight seems to be seeping out of me.

Bless you all

nghtsong

Hello nightsong!
I can completely relate to your story because it was mine as well. I can say was because it is no longer that way in my marriage. It is to the point that my husband understands my need for alone time and a private space. We will be building a new home and he is making sure I have a separate space for all my interests and hobbies and if necessary a separate cottage. I have lots of things I like to do and there hasn't been the space for them.

This is a complete reversal of his controlling and abusive attitude. My h came from a military household and a very unstable home life. His mother and father literally gave him away to his aunt and uncle because they couldn't handle him and another child at once. Typical N behavior! His uncle was military and his aunt has OCPD. ptypes.com has the description of this disorder. It is NOT OCD. It is about perfectionism to the Nth degree!). Anyway my h inherited the wonderful disorder as well. (smirk) His father had it too. This makes him authoritative and controlling among many other characteristics.

He finally went to specialized therapy to discover that he controls for fear of losing control AND his constant anxiety. The anxiety is a major component of OCPD. He came to understand that if he wanted to keep our relationship he had to stop controlling and being so authoritative. He has curtailed this behaviors considerably thus allowing me to be myself and feel safe in our relationship. His authoritativeness was to the extreme that he would be emotionally and verbally abusive. Apparently this is common with OCPD. Although these behaviors will never go away completely I am a very resilent person. I have discovered my need for private space is one of the ways I can keep grounded within myself.

We have been married for 20 plus years and I was fully ready to divorce him. However he has done a 180 degree change and it is like living with a different person.

Along the way I had to find myself again as well. I have been through years of therapy - and I do mean years! It has all been worth it - finding myself again.

I recommend a special book for you, When Hope Can Kill, Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship. Essentially the journey I took is the one in this book. My journey was done without this book though. I am doing a study group with this book with someone. You could do it with your h - maybe? I believe this book can be applied to any relationship.

Also I recommend If You Had Controlling Parents. My parents fit all the criteria and catagories. They were beyond controlling - sadistic.

[nightsong]

Thank you so much, Sallying Forth. This sounds very close to what I am experiencing. I will check out the book. it's inspiring to know someone has been through this and managed to retain their marriage.