Mom's ill...this may be serious

[Hopalong]

Hi,
Mom's been violently ill all day. We finally agreed I should call 911 .. long night in the ER. Just got home, it's almost 2 a.m.. She's been admitted, possible bowel obstruction. Poor thing has been in misery. She's having a CAT scan in 2 hours but I could not sit there any longer, my back was giving out. ER doc sent me home.

I feel sad and guilty (because of all the ranting at her just a month or so ago). Because I have a feeling this may be very serious...and she is verrrrry old. Hard to leave her there even though she'll get very good care. There is a big difference when I can read her needs so well (cold feet, wants chapstick, back needs easing...I know her, they don't).

My daugher doesn't return my calls for days until she's in the mood. She's anxious about money and an upcoming trip. Rarely calls me except to talk about her own troubles and I'm feeling abandoned.

Is there a healthy, non-guilt-tripping way to say to your 25 y/o daughter that you wish she would sometime (ever) call you and say, How are you doing? (Meaning...me. How am I doing.) Is it normal that at her age she never ever does? Just starts going on about her own worries and stresses.

My job evaporates July 1, I have debt and fear and stress and this will be the 6th or 7th hospitalization I've seen Mom through, on my own. I am just wishing I had family. And that shocks me, since I do have my daughter. But she doesn't feel very supportive. I feel as though I have to cope with all this alone.

Thanks for listening. What a difference between a great morning and horrible night.

Hops

[moonlight52]

oh hops       i know those long nights in  hospital are rough.please do try and feel all my love and support for you at this time.it
sure can feel like theres too much going on to deal with .its a good time to slow down and take care of yourself.
i understand you feeling  sad but not  guilty .so take your own good advice and do be good to yourself.

 ALSO YOU CAN NOT DO EVERYTHING .so for what you do need to do put one foot in front of the other and feel the strength i am sending you.i am sure your mom will be better soon .i am sure when you speak to your daughter she will understand that you need some help to cope with all thats going on.Hops you are in my prayers and my loving thoughts .i know what it feels like when you are so overwhelmed.thoughts are things and are powerful i am sending all my best to you at this time.
moon

[seasons]

Hopalong,

Hugs, I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate. Your in my thoughts as you go through this with your mother. I also hope your daughter matures enough to reach out to you. You deserve more.
I hope they get your mom better! I feel so bad, I know the responsibility is overwhelming and exhausting. I hope you hop take care of you, remember you come first.I'm also sorry to hear of your job situation, that in it's self is enough!  Any thoughts of an action plan for new employment?

My hand is held out for you......seasons

[Hopalong]

Moon, I felt it. Thank you so much.
And Moon and Sugarre, you're right. I am better this a.m. about facing that the nurses will be good to her and I can't relieve all her discomfort. I am staying home this morning just relaxing and waiting to hear from the doctor.

Seasons, the job situation and search is overwhelming right now. I've worked on a new application but also have a freelance thing going (late) on top of the demands of the current job and my whole being is resisting. The plan is to launch into writing letters and sending out resumes again. But I haven't been doing it. I am nearly phobic about it after 8 years of chronic layoffs, long stretches of temp work, etc.

But phobias don't pay the bills, so thanks for the reminder.

I have an intuition that this will be Mom's final illness. A bowel obstruction is the very likely diagnosis and at 95, it's just a matter of keeping her comfortable. I don't know for sure until I hear later today what the CAT scan showed. She can't keep down the contrast fluid because of her nausea, poor thing, so she has a tube for that.

So, Moon, I don't know that she'll be getting better. But picture this: she made it through a long boring winter (she had terrible cabin fever and many fewer visitors), the weather here has been absolutely glorious for the last week, the crocuses are blooming, and she went out in her own car Saturday (by herself, at 95) and shopped for a few things and enjoyed it.

If she does pass away in the next week or so, she will have lived her life to the very fullest for an amazing amount of time, and despite the crises of the last decade, been spared much worse.

(When doctors see her they often do a doubletake and re-check her chart, because they don't believe she's 95. She takes fewer meds than I do, and she looks a decade or more younger.)

Rambling, but thanks much for listening...

Hops

[pennyplant]

Dear Hops,

Maybe give your daughter a call to let her know Grandma is in the hospital and it is serious, can she stop at the hospital during visiting hours to help cheer up Grandma?  When my father was dying my son wanted to come home and see him (it turned out there wasn't enough time, I wished I had called on him sooner so they could have talked).  Your daughter may not be able to help you substantially, but it might take a little pressure off you if she agrees to go for a visit.  Maybe you could use that time to rest or relax if you know when she could be there at the hospital.  Later on there will be other opportunities to help your daughter think more outside her personal situation.

There is an awful lot going on right now.  Each problem on its own could throw you for a loop.  So, be kind to yourself.  Right now, Mom takes precedence over the job search.  Not much will occur job-wise in the next couple of weeks, so it can't hurt to just concentrate for now on what you need to do at the hospital and with talking to doctors.

If you still feel bad about the blow-out with Mom a few weeks ago--it seems to me she is not holding it against you!  You gave her an opportunity to become her better self and her behavior did improve afterwards.  That is a real gift.  She also had a very good day on Saturday.  That is also something to treasure.

Hang in there, we're pulling for you.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Thanks, PP.
I did reach my daughter and she was good about it, wants me to keep her posted.
She's 200 miles away.
She was already planning to come up next week...I am not sure if she can move it up a week.

She has spent much much time with her grandmother, so I'm not sure she'd have an "unfinished business" feeling about it. But she clearly wants to be kept in the loop and I'm sure would come promptly if Mom rapidly worsened or died. I don't know how the timing would work out but I don't think it would be a lifetime trauma kind of thing if she didn't make it in time for another talk.

My mother has talked to both my daughter and me nonstop for decades so I don't think either of us feel an urgency about it. She knows we love her despite the battles.

I just talked to Mom, she was able to answer her bedside phone. I'll go by later today, but she's calm, feeling better than she did in the ER last night. Said she mostly feels weak. We exchanged "I love yous", so that felt good.

Diagnosis isn't firm yet. But Google makes it clear if there is an obstruction most of the time surgery's the only recourse, and at her age, that would be very rough. She's tough and would likely survive the operation, but I think would have a hard time bouncing back through recovery. With every hospitalization in the last six years she's been more debilitated. She made it about 85% back after her mastectomy about 8 months ago, but abdominal surgery is much harder.

I will ask her tonight what her wishes are. It's pretty clear she'd have to be in a nursing home for a time afterward, pretty helpless and deteriorating, and I don't know what she would want. She loathes the place. So it's up to her.

If she's not able to make the decision for herself and they could keep her pain free, I would not put her through that. She has been able to stay in her own pleasant home all these years. And has never been wheelchair-bound or any of the very common things that so often happen to the very old. She is walking on her own two feet, and my feeling is she'd rather end life that way, than have a colostomy and be bed-bound. She does get very weak very fast when she's bed-ridden. And each time, it's weaker. But I will ask her. She's not liking this, but she's clear headed and will be able to say what she wants.

It'll all be what it will be...
Thanks all for your support and steadying advice.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Well, poor old Mom does have a bowel obstruction, and if it doesn't clear itself by tomorrow afternoon they'll do surgery. Even at her age, there's no alternative.

I am very sad that she is likely going to have to go through this. It's very risky, and if she survives the operation, the recovery is long and brutal. Given how much she's lost ground after every previous surgery, it's hard for me to imagine she'd make it through all this. Hospital for 5 days and then a nursing home for five or six weeks? It's hard to imagine.

I feel sad. After all my complaining, and even battling witih her over the last 7 years, it doesn't feel right that she won't be here in the house. Maybe never come home again.

One comfort is...that I feel so sad. I do love my mother. She has lately tried to be more loving than her innate nature would let her be. And I will miss her, even while I do have a scent of the relief I may eventually feel when it's all over. I know it is time for the next chapter of my life to begin, but it will be hard to say goodbye.

Hops

[moonlight52]

dear hops     she has lived very long time .so sorry you are going thur this my thoughts and prayers are with you.
moonlight

[seasons]

Oh Hops,
I'm sending lots of hugs and strength to you. I'm happy you we're able to share Love you's with eachother. Your heart is so big!
I pray your mother is kept comfortable after surgery.

Thinking of you with love at this very sensitive time, seasons

[Portia]

(((((Hop))))) You sound only too well aware of the situation you are both in, which is good (so many people I have known bury their heads in the sand at these times, or get angry etc).
Take care of yourself. 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Dear dear sweet Hoppy

I can only imagine the worry, fear and concern you are going through at the moment.

One thing to remember is that your Mum is in the best possible place and they will do the best possible job.  Also take heart that your Mum is a good age and I know you have done the best you can do for her.  With regard to the blowout you had, you are human Hops hon, please stop beating yourself up about it.

I know in my heart that if you really need your daughter, she will come through for you.

Take care

H&H xx

[pennyplant]

Dear Hops,

I am so sorry that it has turned out to be quite serious.  You will do your best and you may also find that there are many small gifts along the way even on such a sad and difficult path.  Just take each moment as it comes.  I am also glad that you pretty much know what to expect.  If someone had told me sooner about my father's life expectancy I would have done a couple things differently.  No big regrets, but it taught me that the truth is always best in the long run even though it can be hard to face at the time.  I bet you already know that, though, Hoppy.

Please keep us up to date when possible.

Pennyplant

[mum]

Hops: thinking of you....comfort for your mom, positive outlook for you......

[Hopalong]

Thank you so much everybody.
Mom had the operation and came through okay...they'll watch her closely for the next 48 hours.
I waited with her for hours today...we talked a lot and wound up compaionably reading. She truly enjoyed all the visitors and attention. (If she weren't sick she'd love the hospital...so many people to charm!)

Tomorrow I have dental surgery so I'll be home with an ice pack but knowing she'll have excellent care there.

Too tired to fully express my thanks but more later...

love,
Hops

[portia guest]

Take care Hopalong, what are you having done? (I have an unusual interest in dental work, having had just about everything done myself, including titanium screws in my jawbone, cool eh?)

(((((((((Hop's mouf & teef)))))))))