trying to plan ahead

[seasons]

Hi,

Yesterday I was chatting with my sister in-law and I mentioned I haven't spoken to my sister (N) in a few weeks. I started to tell her we were not in a fight but I was taking a break and received a message from N I did not care for etc.
She stopped me and said you do not have to explain anything to me or anyone else, you have do more than enough. Stop trying to justify, you don't have to. I stopped and agreed, trying to change old patterns.
Then I was completely caught off guard as she tells me my sister N has to go back for a second catscan they saw something.
She has been in remission from lung cancer for about 7+ years. I went really numb.

I called my sisterN last night. She was very nervous, we talked, I could tell she wanted know idle time for thinking. She did not
verbally attack me, like I thought she would. When we were done I told her I would call her tonight, her appointment is tomorrow.
She said that would be helpful because she needs all the encouragement she can get. She was trying to be very strong, but I know she is scared to death.
Her oncologist said it could be pneumonia, that's why they waited a few weeks to have her test again, if it's that they should see an improvement. Scenario 2, cancer and he said that will be his job and go from there.
Thinking to myself that it is about 7 years since her lung cancer was diagnosed. I feel the odds are against her, of course I'm hoping for the clean bill of health.
This week will be hard, waiting, trying to be supportive while I'm working on finding boundaries and balance with her.
I felt guilty for a second and realized it's no my fault. I'm happy with how I handled our conversation, supportive without losing myself and giving myself completely.
I may be beginning a long journey ahead with her. I need to be a good sister, be good to myself and family and also get her family to wake up and take some responsibility if their mother is sick again.
Thats my goal if her cancer is back. I pray otherwise.  ~seasons~

[pennyplant]

Dear Seasons,

I'm so very sorry to hear that your sister may be ill with lung cancer again.  It is a big deal if it has truly come back again.

Your sister-in-law gave you a gift by being understanding of all you have done in the past and by telling you not to feel you have to justify setting limits with N sister.

When my father was ill with his final illness, I was aware that I had to have some kind of balance in my obligations or I would burn out and be useless in every area of my life.  And my father was the one who pointed this out to me consistantly.  He had a small circle of people who could take turns helping him.  If your N sister reverts to old habits, you will be able to find balance in your obligations because you have already started to do so.  Your sister-in-law sounds like a helpful person in that way.  There are others, too.  So, I bet it will be okay.

One thing that happened naturally with my father was that issues got laid to rest as he went along.  It wasn't forced at all.  It was still incredibly difficult.  But some of my questions from the past got answered and so did some of his questions.  It just seemed to be in the nature of the serious illness which took center stage and the unimportant stuff just fell to the side.

I don't mean to be assuming the worst as far as your sister's prognosis.  She is a much healthier person than my father ever was.  Just wanted to give support to you because it is a hard positon to be in with someone who really needs you now after a lifetime of pretending to need you.

With my father, when his health deteriorated but we still thought he was going to live, I had resentment about the extra responsibility this meant for me.  Frequently I would tell my husband, boy if my parents could have just done the work of staying married like we did, then my mother would be responsible for all this.  I could just be the good daughter who visits all the time.  And another one that I said frequently, when I was a kid they could hardly be bothered to give me a ride to a friend's house or let me do school activities.  Why do I have to do all this running around for him now?  I was very resentful for a long time.  I believe I managed to keep the resentment to myself.  There was no way I would have told my father off.  It was certainly not the time for anything like that.  But it was there simmering sometimes.

Don't know if this helps or not, Seasons.  It's what I have to offer.....

Pennyplant

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Seasons

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  Fingers crossed it's not returned and from your posts I KNOW you are a good sister.  Keep hold of that thought throughout this too.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Seaons,
I know what you mean about the guilt + resentment + wanting to respect the seriousness of this stage of her life.

You are a good sister and Nism does not go away...it's only that compassion for them is somewhat easier. It sounds wonderful that you are not forgetting the need for your boundaries, no matter what is happening.

Lay the guilt to rest, please keep taking care of yourself.
I am sorry for the fearful news.

(((Seasons)))

Hops

[seasons]

pennyplant, Healing&Hopeful, & Hopalong,

I deeply appreciate your very kind words and wisdom you generously share. It's so special to have a place to share our inner most thoughts, safely. (())
I went with her for her second catscan. I'm happy to say I carried myself well. I tried to show her support and hope, while not falling back into giving her a free pass  on my soul. kwim? Now it's a waiting game.

Someone on this board posted about while standing they felt stronger and in more control (this is my words, hope I have it some what right)
I used that yesterday and I did feel more whole more confident in myself. Sorry if someone remembers I would love to correctly name the person and have their quote. It was extremely helpful to me.

Thanks you all for taking the time to share with me........always grateful seasons

[moonlight52]

Seasons    It was me ! You do not need to quote me I am not Dr. Phil .All I said was to take one step at a time and you get a little braver.Then when you find yourself there with your N , you will not turn into a 5 year old year old kid that you usually do on the inside.
And there you are and every things OK.
hugs to you
Moonlight

[mum]

Seasons:

I went with her for her second catscan. I'm happy to say I carried myself well. I tried to show her support and hope, while not falling back into giving her a free pass  on my soul.s:

What an enormous step you took, for yourself. You just proved to yourself that you can show compassion and keep your boundaries.  Your sister may certainly appreciate the love and support you showed her, but this was about you supporting yourself, and your ability to love others and still keep compassion and respect towards yourself.
Wow! You are amazing.
Sending your sister peace....you have shown her great love, Seasons. Maybe some day she will recognize it...but it doesn't matter, really, does it? You know what you are capable of. I am in awe.

Mum