saying hi and learning how to use this board

[Lynn L]

Hi everyone. I have read some recent messages and am very excited. The message thread that spoke to me big time talked about fear. It truly was an eureka! I am riddled with fear. I know that. I could not understand it. I just left my husband of 14 years who I fear is an N. I have seven children. Five children are still under 18. Prior to this marriage I was married to an abusive psycho that almost killed me more than once. I lived with him for 10 yrs. five of which we were married and had three of my children. I see now so clearly how screwed up my childhood was. That is a real long story. A short version, my biological mother gave me up in the hospital, I go to a foster home, at about 23 months old I go to the people who raised me. So, yes, I have discovered I must have abandonment issues. Anyway, I think my mom was N. My dad was diagnosed manic depressive (probably because of Nmom). Whatever, screwed up. Back to present, I am a mess. I am embarking on a journey for truth , strength, and life with out fear! I am a christian. Was non denominational for ten years (present N husband was an elder in the church I was in!). Ten years ago I became Catholic! I love my catholic faith. I am talking about the authentic faith, not tabloid faith. Anyway. Here I am. Just introducing myself. My story is toooooooooooooooooo complicated to relate in one post as I am sure everyone's is. I hurt really bad. I need to know, is there any hope for N husbands? I feel sorry for him. He has abused us. I don't know if he can really love. Can N's love? I need to know. Maybe he is not a full N. If he only has traits is there hope? I need my sanity. But, if there is hope maybe all this dosn't have to end. If not, I want a life for me and my children. Thanks for listening. I know I am on my way to beating fear, being healed. I want truth and reality no matter how much it hurts in the beginning. I feel that is the right path. I have to believe strength, beauty, and no fear are what lie ahead. You guys sound great. Thanks, Lynn

[moonlight52]

Hi Lynn    Welcome .....maybe this would be a good time to find a therapist that can help along with the support you find here.
You can find all sorts of experiences here.We share and support each other and laugh too.I am sure you are a strong person. As far as knowing
if your husband is a N it would be hard for me to say .I would like to leave that to others . Welcome Lynn.
Moonlight

[Lynn L]

thanks! I start therapy next week. I can hardly wait! Lynn

[reallyME]

I'm going to try to post this again since I think I lost my post the first time...grrr.

Lynn,

As far as this man you call "husband," my advice is to have a time of separation where you can evaluate him and learn some info about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and other disorders, and then, and only then, decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Here are some sites with good info for you to check out if you'd like.  I have more, but these are a start.

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/kidsofbpd.htm
http://www.thingsarelookinup.com/Boundaries/Controlling.shtml
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri/InLove1.html

and the ever-popular site of Sam V, confessed narcissist,
http://samvak.tripod.com/msla1.html

~ReallyME

STAY SAFE and BLESSYA

[mtocalcutta]

Thank you. I have thoroughly read Sam's info. That is what opened my eyes. I wish it were not true. Lynn

[reallyME]

Lynn,

I know what you mean about wishing it were not true.  I remember when I found out it applied to my friend Jodi, a minister and the daughter of ministers.  I really didn't want to believe that such a seemingly "holy" person, could be that way.  What really helped me believe it recently though, was that I came to realize that all her messages she was giving, were apparently taken from not only other preachers, but she also said to me "you have no idea how many of my messages I get from my conversations with you."  Now, I'm not saying we can't preach or share from our experiences, but usually ministers take time to prepare the messages they are going to give...that's just the norm in my experience.  So, her statement sort of made me think a bit deeper before I detached even more.

~ReallyME

[Brigid]

Lynn,
Welcome.  From the small amount of information you provided, I could not say if your h is n, but if he is abusive, then your marriage needs help.  I'm very glad to hear that you are starting therapy.  This will help you to find clarity and strength to look at your situation more pragmatically and objectively.  With 7 children to consider, no decision can be easy to make.

As to whether there is hope for your h if he is npd or has negative n traits--it all depends on his willingness to get the help he needs and making a commitment to seeing it through.  To be honest, the prognosis is generally not that good (but I'm sure you've read that), as they usually are unwilling to admit their problems and spend the time necessary in therapy.  As to whether they can love--none of the n's in my life could (father and 2 ex-husbands), so I wouldn't have high expectations in this area.  Their idea of love is quite different from ours as it does not include empathy, caring, respect or honesty, which IMO is necessary for true love to exist.

Please share more as you feel comfortable to do so.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Lynn, glad you're sharing here. You couldn't find a more healing place...I love this community. Questions for you, okay?

I need my sanity. But, if there is hope maybe all this dosn't have to end.

Here, you say you need your sanity and follow it with BUT...if I can hope my marriage won't end... Ummm, doesn't that suggest that you are saying that even though you know you need your sanity, BUT= you'd give up that need, to stay married?

If not, I want a life for me and my children.

And if you were able to let go of that hope for your marriage, you would build a new life.

So I see YES, there's hope...for a new life for you and your children.
That's my understanding, from what you wrote.

You've taken that first step of separation. I know how painful that is, when you can't be distracted any more from your grief...you have moved out of the space where all the hypnosis was...so now here it is. You have taken that first step, and grief is a companion right now.

Would it help to know that this powerful pain is helping you give birth to your new life? If you can abide with it, find comfort and help from every direction while truly comforting yourself too...and have faith, and keep posting.... This pain really will pass. Like everything else in life, it will change. You've not left him to move into a permanent state of grief. This is just a hard passage, like birth.

Hold on, and yell all you need to, and weep and rage...and find helpers. You are going to be all right.

Hopalong



Hopalong

[reallyME]

Lynn:

Quote
I need my sanity. But, if there is hope maybe all this dosn't have to end.

HOPS: Here, you say you need your sanity and follow it with BUT...if I can hope my marriage won't end... Ummm, doesn't that suggest that you are saying that even though you know you need your sanity, BUT= you'd give up that need, to stay married?

Oh boy...again, I cannot reiterate Dr Phil's words enough here..."when it costs you everything you are as a whole person, to be the other half of a couple, THE PRICE IS TOO HIGH!"

~ReallyME

[seasons]

Hi Lynn!

Welcome, it's great to have you here. Sounds like you are taking very brave and healthy steps right now, congratulations.
I look forward to learning more about you. Blessing seasons

[mtocalcutta]

Thanks everyone! Life is darker than I could ever comprehend except if one of my children were hurt or died!  Ihad a really bad night tonight but refuse to give up. I am not going to have any contact with N husband unless at court. He is not capable of empathy and has abused us terribly. Hardly a minute goes by that I don't make sense out of something. I will be reading posts and thanking God for you all. I am seeing more and more that survivors of abuse are very special. Yes, we have pain but how much more we experience life. It is all worth it. I hope to someday start an in person support system in my town. We have alanon and stuff but my husband has no substance additction. If I don't stop the evening drinking I will though lol. Lynn

[Sallying Forth]

Hi Lynn,
There are a couple of books which would be quite helpful to you right now.

One is When Hope Can Kill and the other is my all time favorite Why Does He Do That? The first book has a step-by-step journey for healing from dysfunctional relationships especially where your voice has been muted. The second book gives you a look "inside the minds of angry and controlling men."

[ANewSheriff]

Lynn,

Welcome.  I found this board just recently as I was doing a great deal of research on narcissism.  I have found other sites, but feel like this is a safe place.  I am glad you are here.

Your posting seems very insightful and, in spite of your pain, you seem to have a good handle on who you are and how you arrived at this place.  Think of your past experiences as training for this most challenging of courses in your life.  There are many hills, turns, and varying surfaces, sometimes you fall...  But, you are not on this course alone.  There are those of us who are running alongside you - to share a word of encouragement, offer hope when you are thirsty, and a helping hand when you stumble.  Somehow, you will finish and you will be better for it. 

ANewSheriff