Trying to find my voice.....

[healme]

First, thank you to all of you who have written and been honest about your voicelessness. Your posts have given me the strength and courage to get to the point that I am now. I have only recently realized how "voiceless" I have been. Since infancy really.

Now at 38, I am happily married, have three beautiful kids and 2 Corgi's .....and yet I feel hollow, empty, depressed and without any emotion, whatsoever. My husband is faithful, loves me but recognizes that "I" am missing.

I started therapy in Jan and my T has been helping me to "uncover" my "stuff". Wow. But boy am I overwhelmed and have this never ending feeling of wanting to run. I recognize that I have a very strong pattern of running and hiding......emotionally. I want it to stop but don't know how. One minute I am in the intimacy and the next....I have withdrawn, without even thinking.

Anyone else have the "perfect life/family" on the outside but inside you have been dying all along?

 

[ANewSheriff]

Healme,

Thank you for sharing.  Uncovering some of these old hurts requires dedication and courage.  Good for you for taking the first steps to healing and recovery.  There is pain at the same time as freedom. 

Once we realize all that we have withheld from ourselves we often grieve over the loss.  At the same time there is empowerment and freedom because we become aware that we have the ability to change these thoughts and patterns. 

Pulling the curtain aside is the start.  I am glad you are here.

ANewSheriff

[Hopalong]

Welcome Healme...
I know the more you read, the more healing you'll find.
You are beginning an amazing journey.

I think one often-unremarked thing that goes along with things looking "perfect" but feeling empty is neglected creativity.

In addition to therapy, I'd sincerely recommend some form of creative process. Whatever your art is, or whatever art you're drawn to. Might be good if it was something that requires voice, like taking a poetry writing class, or doing local theater, or singing. Just a thought...and welcome.

Check out the book The Artist's Way for inspiration, regardless of what your art might be.

Hopalong

[Sela]

Hi Healme:

I can certainly relate to the feeling of stuff in my life being good and going well and yet my feeling not good or well inside.  I have felt guilt too, for not enjoying life and being happy, when I *should* (because others are certainly suffering in the world and what right do I have to feel sad...kind of thinking).

It didn't feel like dying inside to me but sort of like I was infected.  And it's big work to pick out all the slimey puss and flush my insides clean. ( ooooooooo.  that was a bit too graphic maybe?)

The good news is.......there are antibiotics!!  I don't take meds but I think of sharing here and reading and learning as a kind of medication.  So is therapy (wonderful that you are going!! ).......which comes in many forms.  And the puss is similar to bad thinking and feeling awful where the effect of the *antibiotics* stops the infection and kills the bugs that cause it (which are for me......thoughts and the feelings that surface from those thoughts).

I hope you T and the people here will be your *antibiotics* and that soon you will be healing well.

As to running away from intimacy?  I think it's a way of avoiding loss.  If you don't get too close it won't hurt when that closeness is withdrawn (and the loss will be very little, if any).    Also, feeling worthless predicts that the person we are intimate with will withdraw once they discover how worthless we are (which I bet is all unconscious belief).  Also, uncovering stuff is a scary and painful process which does not feel usual and thus stimulates that instinctive fear and desire to protect ourselves by getting away from the danger (get away from exposing our deepest stuff.......which brings us closer to whoever we're exposing it to.........which again........requires the risk of losing that closeness and thus......the usual way to cope is to run away and avoid all that potential pain).

Am I soundling all know it ally yet?

For me.......that's what's it like.  For you....it may be similar or quite different.  Just thought I'd post my thoughts for you to ponder or discard.

If people you've trusted and become close to have withdrawn from you......or even if you have an unconscious belief that that will likely happen (because you feel worthless......and may not be aware of that either)..........then you might run away from intimacy quick as can be.

So maybe.......the way to change might be to destroy those feelings of worthlessness (which have to be uncovered first) and next, replace them with a pricetag that cannot be marked down, which begins by thinking and deciding to believe in one's own value?

The good news is.......it can happen.  (((((((((Healme))))))))))

Hope this helps a little.

  Sela

[Moira]

hi All! Excellent topic! I can relate to the concept of wanting intimacy and then when finding it, feeling terrified and wanting to run. I don't totally trust myself, my own intuition -let alone anyone else!- so how do i REALLY know if it's intimacy or not? I've mistaken many emotions and actions for intimacy when they've actually been something completely different! Plus whenever I feel truly secure and happy, I then get consumed with the fear of " waiting for the other shoe to drop"!!! A long, slow road to trusting oneself and learning the tools necessary for intimacy. I believe there are very few people who naturally have the skills required for true intimacy . Hugs and light to all, Moira

[mum]

Heal me: I think you are doing a fine job of using your voice. You are clear and articulate. Therapy is tough. Taking it out of the emotional realm for a moment, have you ever been physically injured and needed physical therapy?
Well, if not, anyone can tell you that it is the "cruel to be kind" sort of thing. Really hard work needs to be done to get movement or function back in whatever body part was injured. But it isn't passive on our part. It's hard hard work. I would much rather not push myself during PT for my injured hand, and just go relax,  or not use my muscles, or feel that pain, but I know I want the function back in my hand!!  The payoff is I get my hand  back working for me instead of against me.

It's the same with psychotherapy, I think. It's really hard and scary and painful....but the payoffs are well worth it.

And, for what it's worth, I think your post shows amazing strength and clarity. Give yourself some credit. Just being aware of what your pattern is.....well, that's a lot!!!!