What are good ‘board’ manners to you?

[Portia]

I’m a fan of good manners. Here they can overridden by emotion and in thre grand scheme of things, if good manners go by the wayside but better understanding follows, fair enough. Apologies can come later.

Basic good manners to me would include – showing respect, consideration, kindness – and some everyday politeness: acknowledging people who respond to you by their name, thanking people for their help (if they help) etc. Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ goes such a long way with me.

I also like it when people don’t fool around with the board. But then I can tend to be controlling I think. A tidier-upper. I don’t like it when I think people might be amusing themselves by playing games here. Of course they probably need help for that compulsion, but I doubt this is the place to get that help.

How about you? What do you consider good board manners, or what annoys you in terms of bad manners? (If you want to cite my bad manners, please go ahead. Seriously )

[write]

hey presto! - someone jumps in and picks an incredibly minor point

I was counselling a man accused of molesting his daughters about 14 years ago, it wasn't an in depth session but suddenly he said 'my brothers molested me you know'.
My response 'how many brothers do you have?' I guess showed patently my discomfort and unwillingness to get into that at that point

( and I saw a similar statement in a textbook for doctors years later, about dealing with difficult disclosures.

Maybe people stop something which is painful to them, even painful in they feel left out.

[guest in May]

Hi Portia,

Is it bad manners for me, to post opposing views with supporting evidence if I am  satisfied with the opinions I already hold?

I think this may come under the manners topic.

[penelope]

You agree, through your use of this forum, that you will not post any material which is false, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, adult material, or otherwise in violation of any International or United States Federal law.

Not sure if this applies, but here's the agreement we all made when we signed up to post here.

penelope

[write]

At what point does someone else's right to avoid their pain...outweigh my right to face my pain and do the difficult work of recovery

well if you go to a psychiatrist or therapist and they act out or deny you your recovery that is unprofessional and very wrong.

In a coordinated recovery support group even though people-dynamics might intervene a good leader can probably give each person their opportunity to express themselves and be heard.

But an open forum like this board- I think it's unavoidable that sometimes people feel cut off or misunderstood.

For me the important thing is to try and be kind, even if other communication breaks down.
That's how I've handled the broken relationships in my real life and it seems to work out eventually.

[seasons]

Stormchild,

Wow, you expressed this perfectly and most eloquent. I have completely felt that was my life.
Thank you for sharing.

I

spent my entire life being kind to everyone else. Because I was raised by abusers, and trained in such a way that my kindness simply attracted more of them, I have few recollections of anyone being significantly and reliably kind to me in return. I do recall being exhausted and 'tapped out' emotionally, time after time, and scorned at such times by my closest associates - I now realize this was because they regarded me as a source of something for them, only, and they were displeased that 'the well was dry'.

After a lot of thought, I've given myself permission to give me what these people would not, or could not. I understand kindness, and I know how to be kind; so if others cannot do this for me, I will do it for myself.

The first kindness I have chosen to extend to myself is the expectation of reciprocity. I think, if you have that as the foundation, all others follow.

This is wonderful, I'm so happy for you. seasons

[write]

the expectation of reciprocity

yes, it's a wonderful word and a wonderful thing- the best friendships are reciprocal.

I have been very lucky in that what I've put out into the world I've gotten back- though not always from the people I was initially kind to.

I think any relationship which starts to feel like a well draining dry, means you need to be kinder to yourself. Saying that it's taken me years to understand taking care of myself, even the basics.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Treating others (in real life or on the internet), as you yourself would want to be treated. xx

[Portia]

Thank you for all your replies so far. I'm appreciating them all.

Two things in particular: (and I know I'm not naming everyone who's replied by name - is that rude? - but I think you all know that this is most definitely a 'free' thread - take it where it goes, have conversations, go as you will...)

:anyway!

Storm, you really got me thinking. Do I do that, put in a tangent thought post to divert from the crucial issue? (if I do, I don't see it so telling me would help, as you know); and - it occured to me, it has happened to me and instead of seeing it as you have perhaps, I have thought - oops tangent 'stop' post in the way, I must be doing something wrong, I'm being 'told off' - so I've taken it as being a hit on me! haha. Of course where I have perceived that happening.....nobody else might agree. But I do see your point and I feel somewhat less alone with that particular perception. Hey, I don't know very much about people in general, I'm learning here, it all helps.

Guest in May, glad to see you

Is it bad manners for me, to post opposing views with supporting evidence if I am  satisfied with the opinions I already hold?

Wow that's a well-thought out question. I mean it. Complex.

Okay: if you're satisfied with the opinions you hold, that's fine yes? So, you could post views that oppose your opinion and you could supply evidence to support those opposing views?

Sure you could.  Why not? To me it sounds like being devil's advocate to yourself, testing your own opinions to see if you agree with yourself! Not as silly as it might sound. Half the time I'm testing my own views....and sometimes I change them, usually based on new evidence, but sometimes because my view has changed, my internal landscape has changed (while the evidence remains the same). Make sense?

I love changing my mind! Literally. It's possible. We can over-write those old routed programs, we can get into the DOS and fiddle around with the commands! Only a tiny % are so neurally damaged that that isn't possible. Apparently.

Anyway, nope, I don't see that as bad manners. Not at all. Testing is a good scientific method

[reallyME]

Just for the record, I have not stalked you and I have every right to expose your toxic behavior if I choose to have a voice in doing so

[Certain Hope]

To me, good board manners would include NOT constantly trying to force one's personal view on all of the other members of a group with comments ad nauseum about the same issue, over and over and over... like if you got sick once eating fettucini alfredo and no matter what the topic at hand, it makes you think of saucy pasta, and you just feel compelled to share with the world the fact that the stuff is evil, sickening, and nasty....  well, I just wonder.... how many people would have to be dragged through the fettucini before the whole thing could be put to rest??  If one person agreed that f.a. is the food from hell, would it stop? Five people in agreement??  Ten, perhaps??? Or must the entire universe pledge to never so much as look up f.a. again???   *sigh*

[penelope]

LOL!  You have a wonderful sense of humor Certain Hope.

penelope

[movinon]

Frankly, 

I'm getting fed up w/ all of the fettucini alfredo.  Enough is enough.  This board used to be a nice place, but it seems like EVERY thread I go to has someone ripping it up and putting others down.

Do I have to post on EVERY thread and say ENOUGH!!!  Stick to the topic and stop sligging the cr@p.

Movinon

[reallyME]

probably wouldn't matter if you did either way.

[gratitude28]

Since this board has to do with our relationships with Ns in our lives, I think the subject matter of our posts should deal with that aspect of our lives and how we deal with it. These posts should be here to help us and others with the same background. I believe our posts should be confined to our experiences with NPD, how we are dealing with it and how to help others. Other conversations about other issues, and especially personal issues, should be confined to the private arena.
That's my two cents...
Thanks for being here everyone.
Beth