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Hello,

I was wondering the same as Portia... if you were not possibly on some level hoping for more of a commitment than friendship. Not because you expect respect (this should be a given) but that it seemed so easy for him to say "I can't meet those expectations".  I don't even know him, nor the details of the relationship... however it almost appears he is (sorry, but) relieved to be able to use this boundary you set as an excuse to not have the relationship be two ways... as if he picked up on some hidden thing that you might have been expecting more and didn't want to bring it up until you did.

I also think this because you put up with those loose terms for so long and then you probably realized that you weren't happy... why?  perhaps it would be good to reflect on this before labeling him a narcissist... unless you see this same behavior exhibited toward other people in his life as well.    In any event, even if he is not a narcissist per se, his behavior is not acceptable.

Hope I am not coming accross as harsh - just contemplative.

Jazz:
Hi, Many thanks for all your thoughtful replies! There's a lot for me to think about, so if I can take it in parts, and maybe come back another time...
The relationship used to be a romantic one, but it was very long-distance and didn't work out, so we decided to be just friends.
I hear what you say about maybe he is relieved on some level, that I set boundaries he couldn't meet, which gave him a wayout.But I have tried before to pull back from him, because things were often unsatisfactory to me, and on those occasions he always got in touch with me after a few days, saying eg 'Have you forgotten your great friend?' 'Aren't I special anymore/are you too busy for me now?' ETC.
He can be cruel in an offhanded and casual sort of way, and without thinking how what he says/does could affect me, so although I miss him terribly, I am reluctant to contact him, because he could be very hurtful,reject my approach, or ignore me completely. I feel I had the right to ask him for something at last, but with this kind of attitude he could really make me suffer for it.
But as I said, I do miss him...very confused.
Thanks again for your ideas.

Jazz:
PS. All through our relationship it has been very difficult to feel secure with him. As you say, I don't know if he is a N, all I can say is that trying to make sense of his sometimes bizarre and contradictory behaviour, the N traits which I have read about seem to describe him to a tee.
Maybe I'm putting 2 and 2 together and making 5, but the fact that my boundary-setting and threat to leave the relationship has lead to him saying he will never contact me again makes me wonder...I have heard that a N can completely abandon a loved one , maybe in this sort of case?
Overnight he changed from expressing his lifelong admiration for me, to a very cold-sounding 'OK,bye then.'

Jazz:
Thank you Jacmac. I can see exactly what you mean, that this is a way of him keeping control right to the end, and saving his own emotional turmoil.
But, if he didn't want me to abandon him, why didn't he make any attempt tp give me the concessions I requested? It seemed that faced with one of my first ever requests to take my feelings into account, he took an easy way out.
I am in a lot of pain over the ending of this relationship; I thought that it was special to both of us.Also I don't know how to mourn it:
IF he is a N, following his own interests to the end, I feel I have to deal with the fact that the whole friendship was a con, that I was being exploited, and that all his many loving words were meaningless.as I said, much of his behaviour sounds like that of a N.
On the other hand, if he's not a N, maybe I should mourn the fact that in his eyes the relatsh was not worth fighting for, that it had run its course, and his reaction to my requests was just rather selfish; he just didn't think it worth putting himself to any trouble to save it.
It is very difficult to make sense of what has happened, and how he might be feeling now. Is it true that a N can just discount sb overnight, without giving them another thought, especially if he/she has other sources of devotion, as my friend does?
If I sounded serious to him about ending the friendship, would a N accept this,  and be perfectly able to disappear FOREVER?
I really thank you for any help you can give me with these questions.Reading the other posts, I realise that I'm not in as bd a situation as many of the other posters, who are even in danger.It's just that I am spending  24/7 trying to make sense of what has happened.
I appreciate all your support.

Portia:
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