Got the bloooooooooz

[Hops as guest]

Hi folks,
Just want to ramble a little.
I was looking out the dentist's high window (no biggie, ((P)), thanks for asking) and the sky was wonderful...big gray front moving over. I love watching a front. Anyway, I realized I hadn't looked at the sky, just opened up my pupils and watched it, for a long time. I thought about putting my Mom's little dog to sleep, my Dad's death, all that. The sky reminded me of the speckishness of us, of things. That was good. I felt a spiritual stirring, a little bit of perspective. (For me a small soupy spiritual stirring is great progress. I'm an unsatisfied agnostic at the moment, usually call myself an "optimistic agnostic". Anyway, don't want to detour into that.)

I'm feeling sad. On the same hand, I know I'm depressed and that's why I went on ADs about a month ago, and they are definitely helping (this one also helps w/my back pain, a miracle.) But I'd just like to write down what I feel sad about. Then maybe I'll look at it and think I'm full of self-pity and get remotivated. I'm sad about:

--my job disappearing in 6 weeks and no new one lined up yet (working on it). AND SCARED.
--feeling invisible & unappreciated in my present job, where I'm still working hard (they need and use my editing skills but don't value them since they're digital people, & the 2 honchos are Nish)
--being lonely (I don't go out much except for church groups and w/one girlfriend, on weeknights my back hurting--real--and being tired is my excuse, but mostly I'm withdrawing. Because I do it on weekends too, too often. Running to my bed and staying there every minute I'm not at work, except for what I have to do for Mom. I do not want to admit how TV-addicted I've become. Don't need to tell me, I know how stupid it is.) I'm sort of feeling not interested in my life.
--being afraid. I'm 56 with white hair (well, it's purty...I'm growing it out. It's been white for many years). I ain't wrinkly. But most jobs in this town are gobbled up by very bright 30-year-olds. I do sense ageism. I'm both overqualified (by education) and underqualified (by level of computer programs I know) for clerical jobs and the competition for the professional editorial ones is so ferocious (hundreds of resumes for every job) that I haven't had any interviews yet. I have been networking with people I know, but so far, nothing. I did take a couple weeks off from the search when my depression was at its peak. But now I'm starting up again.
--having noone in my life to touch. I hug my friends and get a hug or two at church. That is lovely but also feels like a person with a harp only being allowed to play one string. My dog helps but when it hurts is when I fast-forward in my head (which I do way too much)...I see lonely poverty in old age. Nobody to touch and laugh with.
--my back problems at least for now cutting out a lot of joys (gardening, walking my own dog, painting walls...bending is still out, though I can tie my shoes!)

Everybody got their violins out and hankies all soggy? No? It's just ME who thinks I'm pitiful? 
I know soooooooooooooo many people (and many of you) have it way worse. So that's the kicking-my-ownself for self-pity part. But I thought I'd write it out anyway.

thanks for listening, I am grateful as ever.

Hops

[Hops]

Thanks for your understanding and compassion, Jac.
I do appreciate it a lot!
(And honestly, you didn't have anything to do with it...you were doing hard work there and I know it probably wasn't very easy to express. I also know you didn't mean to hurt Write.)

I am soooooooooooooo grateful to this board just for the way everybody keeps piping up, offering gratuitous kindness that takes time to type, and just being here...

Even when I'm not feeling perky enough to participate very energetically (it comes and goes) it can be such a great comfort to just come here and read. Like being too bummed out to boogie at a party but still feeling better about sitting on the sofa and watching people interact than about going home. Stupid image, but there it popped.

It did help just to spill it.
love,
Hops

[moonlight52]

HI HOPS ,I do have a hankie it's the one my granny Rose gave me with little pink rosebuds on  it.Let yourself feel the feelings. I do believe
you told me that once, not to bottle them up and then be hard on your self.Hops, just as soon as the fear passes I am thinking
your natural love of being will kick in and positive intent will help that just right position to find you.Because you are soooooooooooooo
wonderful for anything else to happen.So I send you much love and thanks for all you do  here on the board and that job
its just around the corner.
LOVE
MOON

[Hop guest]

Moon, thank you.
And my grandmother was named Rose too!
AHA! Hint from the cosmos!

(Thanks for the loving kick in the pants, especially the "natural love of being" part.)

Siggh.

Hops

[movinon]

The Roses have it.  My grandmother was a Rose too.

Hops, I think it's perfectly fine to have a pit-party every once in a while - as long as you don't stay there too long.

Sending healing energy.........

Movinon

[Sela]

Hey ya Hops:

So sorry about your feeling those blooooooooz.    Hey!  We all feel it......get down like that sometimes.
And you have some real troubles to worry about that are important ........just as worthy of space as those "who have it worse".  Life just sucks sometimes eh?

Ok.  So I just blabbed over on "anything" about hope eh?  Hope Hops.  There's still hope for you!!!

 

I can't prove it......but it's possible some or all of this might yet happen:

Ready??


Ok........so you could, after some time passes, sort of recover from your mom's little dog's and your dad's deaths.  All of that.  It could happen.

Your spirit could stir further......and greater........and really ....there could be wonderful progress and great perspective for you....you might end up quite satisfied....with an optimistic belief system that fits you.
 
You may feel happy and stable and not need the AD's.

You might experiement and find all kinds of ways of dealing with and lessening your back pain.  There's much to investigate yet, right?

You may not end up full of self-pity but instead get real motivated.

You may find a new job, just around the corner, that you enjoy and where you feel appreciated and valued, with a nice, pleasant, not-at-all-N boss.

You may decide to start going out more and enjoy new opportunities meeting people and end up feeling less lonely.

You could start to blossom, Hops!!

You may get tired of tv and your bed and decide to do something different.

And you may decide that you are not at all stupid......just unhappy right now, which can and likely will change.
Especially if you decide to make changes.

You might become interested in your life and you may even decide that 56 is not dead........white hair is pure and quite attractive.......no wrinkles is a blessing and knowledge and experience comes with age and is even envied by some younger people.

Which might cause you to sell yourself to that new employer as competent, keen and mature.  Intelligent, capable and reliable.  Loyal, hard working and willing to learn.  All qualities you have Hops.  All of them.

You may lose your fear (especially your fear of 30 year olds) .

You may sense........potential........develop eagerness and promote your qualities and qualitifications.

You might get interviews soon.

You might join people socially and meet someone to touch and laugh with.

Romance is not dead at your age either eh?  It's not impossible that you may yet find your mate.

You may begin enjoying your friends more and your dog too.

And......you may begin to picture a different fast forward.......one that is quite different from the old one.



Nope.  I lost my violin and threw my hankie away, Hops.  Yep.  It's just you who thinks your pitiful.

I don't.  I think you have much to offer the world, to offer a job, your friends, your church, new groups, even a new romance........with the lovely picture I have of your wonderful hair and no wrinkles!!  That sparkling revised spirit (that's being squashed by current circumstances) will emerge soon Hops.

And the dang back pain???   It's not nice but maybe there is a way to lessen it?   Watching tv won't do it.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Root toot tooting for ya.  Hike!  Hup, 2, 3..... Start small Hops.  20  minutes of picturing yourself happy.

Relax.  Dream.  Allow yourself to pretend.  Imagine.  Believe.  Hope.

It is said that we create our destiny.  In some ways......we do, don't we......at least in our own minds.

I'm keeping you in my prayers too, Hops, but more so.......in my hopes.

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Thanks, MovinOn, for the reminder not to stay stuck on the pity party couch! (Actually, once I WRITE out a bunch of self-pity, it starts loosening its grip on me. I do feel lighter.)

And Sela, thanks for your very specific and generous attention to each little whiney point! (I know, you didn't call me a whiner....) You rebutted one after another of the blue brushstrokes I was painting myself into a corner with. I really appreciate that, and it was work on your part. Hard work! Thanks.

Speaking of blooooooz.... I noticed in the sky again, on the way home, just after writing that post at the end of the day....in addition to the gorgeous gray cool-front clouds, there was a patch of the most amazingly lovely sort of light-periwinkle blue.

So I think blooooooz are all about the shade...and blue IS my favorite color!

All cheered up for now. Thanks everyone, for your kind help and support.
No bloooz-hooooz for me tonight.

((((((((((()))))))))))))

Hops

[ANewSheriff]

Hops,

I think you are just in a funk  out of alignment at the moment.  It happens.  You are deling with a lot right now.  The loss of a job is nothing to sneeze at.  As you mentioned, some of our prospects get a bit slimmer as we get older so your fears and reservations are valid and real.   

Lonliness seems to be a common thread anymore.  It is funny that we have more people on the face of this planet than ever before in our history and our communications are easier than ever, yet so many of us are terminally lonely.  I have been trying to make sense of this for several years.  I just cannot seem to figure it out.

It seems like it is getting worse.  I know that I feel this often, myself.  I was born without the "superficial small-talk" gene so although I have many friendly acquaintances, I sometimes feel lonely because I do not find many people who are willing to expose themselves to the level that I am comfortable in. 

I am glad you posted this note.  I have had pity parties myself and I have witnessed them in others.  It does not seem like you are involved in one.  You are just a bit out of sync at the moment. 

Thank you for bein so honest.

(A hug for you)  ANewSheriff     

[Hopalong]

Hugs BACK, Sherrif!
Thanks for seeing me in such a generous light.

Less askew...

Hops

[Brigid]

Hops,
I'm sorry for the sad state you're feeling right now.  I can relate in many ways (I will be 56 in less than 2 months and that is getting wayyyyy to close to 60  ), and I know how scary it feels to think about being alone for those, hopefully, many years we have left to go.  I do have a lovely b/f, however, and it does feel wonderful to be loved and cuddled on a regular basis.  It does, however, also present a dilemma as I would probably pick up and move away from the area where I currently live if not for him.

I have been feeling very twisted up lately about the concept of my daughter leaving for college at the end of the summer, living in this house all by myself, losing my full-time job as a mother and being reduced to a consultant, and trying to figure out what I'm going to do now.  I want so much to "live in the moment," "enjoy today for tomorrow may never come," and all those very common sense statements about enjoying your life and not worrying about the future.  I don't know if it is a result of being raised in a home without love or what, but I really need to have some sense of the direction of my life, or I am in a constant state of anxiety.  I can go for awhile taking it one day at a time, but then I MUST make a change to get my life at least somewhat back within my control.

As a result of just needing to make some kind of change this week, I moved all the furniture around on my first floor to give my living environment a new look.  It's amazing how good that made me feel.  I also moved paintings, framed some photos of the kids, dug out some decorating items that were stored away and put away others I was bored with. 

I don't know if something like this would help you, but it really did jump-start my creative juices and gave me a new project to think about.  I am now inspired to strip some wallpaper and do some painting and for now, not worry about the future.

I also recommend that you consider the on-line dating, too.  I know you don't want to be desperate and sad, but you may find that just getting out and meeting some new people will help to get you out of your funk.  If you don't like it, you can always back off and wait for a better time.  I dated a number of frogs before meeting my prince, but those frogs were often fun and interesting and some even created some very funny stories to share with my girlfriends.

I hope you can find your energy within to get a smile back on your face.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Brigid, it's wise advice.
I love having more of an idea about you, and how you tick. You sound like a "doer" and not a "brooder." I'm sorry your D is leaving but you have so much clarity about how you can maike life work better for yourself, that I'm sure you'll turn this passage into an opportunity to blossom. (And how did you know I have decorating schemes in my head? I dream in Sherwin Williams.)

I think it's natural to fear the emptiness when a child goes off to college or another life. I mean, they ARE our ventricles, we are supposed to feel the ache. Hmmm. Do you suppose you're having trouble sitting with the ache, Bridge? I know a lot of whirlwind-woman who sometimes are doing flurries of things constantly because too much solitude and stillness brings on pain.

(Heck. Ditto me, it brought on some depression. Nah, that's exogenous...the job. Anyway, I'm happy today, it's a weekend and I'm free. Work to do but not office work. And next wknd is 3 days!)

I think I will blossom again too, eventually. I will definitely date again, but I do have to find a job first. I'm not averse to the online thing at all. I've met quite a few very pleasant people that way and I do understand how to do the process. I just remember a funny mantra some woman said to tell yourself for the times when it seems you'll never find a potential partner: "Keep the line moving...."

Thanks for the chuck under the chin, Brigid. And her'es one back, with a hug. You are facing your midlife with a lot of composure, I think. And you're good at being in the present, too. Bravo!

Hops

[Brigid]

Hops,

Do you suppose you're having trouble sitting with the ache, Bridge? I know a lot of whirlwind-woman who sometimes are doing flurries of things constantly because too much solitude and stillness brings on pain.

No doubt--I have been actively avoiding having to think about how it will feel.  It was hard enough when my son left 3 years ago, but at the time I still had my daughter and the exh--or thought I did until 2 weeks after my son left, I found out about the affair and everything else.  I've had many losses over the last 4 years and it has certainly taken its toll.  My daughter leaving is just one more to experience.

But I am trying to be positive about it and happy for her as I know she is very excited.  My mantra has always been that " a mother is only as happy as her least unhappy child."  As long as my kids are happy, for the most part, I am too.  I'm also trying to look at her leaving as an opportunity to be more free to explore options, travel a little, and spend more relaxed time with the b/f.  It is hard to know how it will really feel when she leaves and it is not worth dwelling on until it actually happens.

I'm sure you will blossom again as you have a lot of spirit inside of you and love to give.  Eventually, someone will enter your life who wants to share that with you, but you must be willing to take the risks and be vulnerable.  It's hard for those of us who have been injured by doing that time and again.  But I'm not willing to give up the fight and I don't think you are either.  Hang in there kiddo.

Blessings,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Bridg...I will hang in! Got inspirational examples such as yourself to think about. (((B))))

Hi Sherrif, I wanted to respond to this but wasn't ready before:

Lonliness seems to be a common thread anymore.  It is funny that we have more people on the face of this planet than ever before in our history and our communications are easier than ever, yet so many of us are terminally lonely.  I have been trying to make sense of this for several years.  I just cannot seem to figure it out.

It seems like it is getting worse.  I know that I feel this often, myself.  I was born without the "superficial small-talk" gene so although I have many friendly acquaintances, I sometimes feel lonely because I do not find many people who are willing to expose themselves to the level that I am comfortable in.

 

You put that so well and it was almost too painful to read at first. So I went back. I really truly understand this. Sometimes when I come home at night, with nobody here but NMom snoring away (well, there is my sweet dog), I hop online to this board as fast as I can because I feel I'm with friends, with people who won't recoil from pain (or at least not always, and not all) and people who do care....and maybe at some level, each of us has a lonely part. If we still had a village culture we'd probably all be sitting on a porch together somewhere.

That's one of my fantasies. A big wide shady front porch, close to the sidewalk to be inviting, but with a swing and comfy rockers and cushions, and friends from all around drop by easily because nobody's too EXHAUSTED from robotic jobs...and long spring/summer/fall evenings pass in conversation, with lemonade (some spiked, some not). Kids are catching lightning bugs on the lawn. Nobody owns a TV or a video game and the only soccer league is one the kids organized themselves in the vacant lot.

For me, this place is that porch. But Sherrif, I am determined to create some semblance of this in my real life too. It's why I started those women's support groups a long time ago. People brought their kids, they played in the basement, and we met upstairs for 2 amazing hours. Every week for 2 years, it was wonderful.

All to say, I know exactly what you mean about craving to know and be known beyond chit-chat, and I just want you to know you're NOT alone in that. I think many people are lonely and crave that kind of knowing...and that it can be created when it doesn't happen spontaneously. It really can.

((((Sherrif))))

Hops

[Hopalong]

Dear Sela,
I just want to thank you again and tell you what a huge difference your response made to me.

I am now printing it out and taping it to my bathroom mirror and I'm going to read it every morning for a while. I feel as though I have a champion.

THANK YOU! It was a deeply generous thing for you to do.

Love,
Hops

[Portia]

hey Hops, i haven't read in detail yet but 'white hair' jumped out at me.  it was scary!

I dye my hair. Does me a world of good. I'm so grey now. I dye it mid brown and the difference is way more than the £3 pack of dye. Vanity? Superficial? Yeah, but it works.

Have you been blonde? Blonde/reddish tint? Wanna do it? Why not? No really, why not? No those are not good reasons. Only one life. Who cares? Wanna do it?

I'll bring the dye around next weekend okay? You get some pizza in, deal? 

(Apologies if this has already been done and dusted. I really haven't read.)