Hey ya Hops:
So sorry about your feeling those blooooooooz.

Hey! We all feel it......get down like that sometimes.
And you have some real troubles to worry about that are important ........just as worthy of space as those "who have it worse". Life just sucks sometimes eh?
Ok. So I just blabbed over on "anything" about hope eh? Hope Hops. There's still hope for you!!!

I can't prove it......but it's possible some or all of this might yet happen:
Ready??
Ok........so you could, after some time passes, sort of recover from your mom's little dog's and your dad's deaths. All of that. It could happen.
Your spirit could stir further......and greater........and really ....there could be wonderful progress and great perspective for you....you might end up quite satisfied....with an optimistic belief system that fits you.
You may feel happy and stable and not need the AD's.
You might experiement and find all kinds of ways of dealing with and lessening your back pain. There's much to investigate yet, right?
You may not end up full of self-pity but instead get real motivated.
You may find a new job, just around the corner, that you enjoy and where you feel appreciated and valued, with a nice, pleasant, not-at-all-N boss.
You may decide to start going out more and enjoy new opportunities meeting people and end up feeling less lonely.
You could start to blossom, Hops!!
You may get tired of tv and your bed and decide to do something different.
And you may decide that you are not at all stupid......just unhappy right now, which can and likely will change.
Especially if you decide to make changes.
You might become interested in your life and you may even decide that 56 is not dead........white hair is pure and quite attractive.......no wrinkles is a blessing and knowledge and experience comes with age and is even envied by some younger people.
Which might cause you to sell yourself to that new employer as competent, keen and mature. Intelligent, capable and reliable. Loyal, hard working and willing to learn. All qualities you have Hops. All of them.
You may lose your fear (especially your fear of 30 year olds)

.
You may sense........potential........develop eagerness and promote your qualities and qualitifications.
You might get interviews soon.
You might join people socially and meet someone to touch and laugh with.
Romance is not dead at your age either eh? It's not impossible that you may yet find your mate.
You may begin enjoying your friends more and your dog too.
And......you may begin to picture a different fast forward.......one that is quite different from the old one.
Nope. I lost my violin and threw my hankie away, Hops. Yep. It's just you who thinks your pitiful.
I don't. I think you have much to offer the world, to offer a job, your friends, your church, new groups, even a new romance........with the lovely picture I have of your wonderful hair and no wrinkles!! That sparkling revised spirit (that's being squashed by current circumstances) will emerge soon Hops.
And the dang back pain??? It's not nice but maybe there is a way to lessen it? Watching tv won't do it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Root toot tooting for ya. Hike! Hup, 2, 3..... Start small Hops. 20 minutes of picturing yourself happy.
Relax. Dream. Allow yourself to pretend. Imagine. Believe. Hope.
It is said that we create our destiny. In some ways......we do, don't we......at least in our own minds.
I'm keeping you in my prayers too, Hops, but more so.......in my hopes.

Sela