What EVERYONE here has taught me so far...

[lightofheart]

Hi Everyone,

Mostly, I just want to thank all of you, every single person here, for putting your stuff out here for anyone to stumble along and read/wonder about/build on/or even...completely fly off the handle about. imho, this is sloppy work we're trying to do; I picture us scattered all over the place, splotched with paint or mud or wearing casts on our limbs (thanks, Stormy!), typing our hearts out. I find the whole experience of exchanging here humbling in a way I can't even describe. I'm awed by all the courage I see/hear here, daily.

I believe everyone here is doing their best, truly. I believe all of our bests are different, even different on any given day. I believe it's inevitable, in group sharing, that some bests will bump up against others, maybe even screech like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Because what I get here is important to me, I think I owe everyone here something: to pick the sharing path that I see as most helpful, least reactive, and generous of others whenever and however possible. I don't hate much in this world, but I do hate the idea that there are folks who don't feel safe to post due to all the conflict here. I think everybody here loses if someone who could otherwise gain/share something exits out of frustration or as self-protection. I know I can't control or influence this. What I can do, all I can ever do, is decide how I plan to interact with everyone here. Frankly, the idea of starting a thread of my own makes me feel slightly naked and queasy. If there is anything I'm sure about it's how little I know and the fact that I'm no expert on anything.

That said, I have a need to set some golden rules for myself, rules I see as valuable. Utterly selfish rules. They have everything to do with how I will or won't converse with people here in the future. So that anyone who posts to me or about me in a way I'm not comfortable with can look this up, if interested, and know exactly why I didn't respond. I have no expectations of anyone else's response to this, even that anyone will read it. I like that. Maybe I'll wimp out and delete in two minutes, but that's OK, too.

I hope anyone who wants to will chime in, too...hopefully with an idea of respecting others--whatever your idea of this is--in mind.

1. I will keep my expectations to myself and for myself. I'll keep hoping though, 'cause I gotta' hope.
2. I will only address words/actions I see as disrespectful if I am asked about them, by name, or they are addressed to me by name.
3. Before I hit the 'Post' button, I will ask myself whether what I have to say is best posted, for everyone, or PMed to one person.
4. I will avoid characterizing the words/behavior of anyone who posts here in negative terms.
5. I will apologize if I even suspect I've been insensitive to someone else's feelings.

Thanks for giving me a chance to say this here. Now I'll shut up for a while. 

Best,
LoH

[ANewSheriff]

LOH:

Frankly, the idea of starting a thread of my own makes me feel slightly naked and queasy.

Here is a robe.     I think we are really stepping up to the batting plate when we feel naked and queasy.  Your personal rules are well thought out and make good sense. 

I also am "awed by all the courage I see/hear here, daily". 

ANewSheriff   

[seasons]

Light,

How thoughtful and generous of you. Thank you for sharing your true self with us. ((seasons))

[Portia]

Hello Light of Heart, thank you for your post, I appreciated reading you. Yes I think it takes courage to post, and to stay, and to feel the feelings that being here can generate. Being honest to ourselves and part of the community (I see it as a community) is a balancing act I guess. Sometimes the balance goes to one extreme and then another and it (mostly) self-regulates.

The more I know the more I know I don’t know, that’s for sure. About those who may not post because of conflict, can I comment please? (Thanks, I’ll assume an okay.) How I perceive conflict and react to it, is mine. How you do, is yours. I don’t know who doesn’t post but if anyone doesn’t because they’re afraid, I’d encourage them to, but their decision is their own, yes? Sometimes I’ve felt bad about being here, as though I’m using too much of a resource, and feeling like I should leave to allow others more room. Is that realistic thinking? I still struggle this with this occasionally and have to argue myself out of it. There’s as much space here as anyone wants to occupy. I’m not responsible for other people’s fears. Maybe I can contribute to a feeling of safety here by trying to be responsible for my own posts and trying to be respectful to others, but I'll make mistakes. I guess I’m agreeing with you and testing the boundaries of what I’m responsible for and what I’m not.

Maybe I'll wimp out and delete in two minutes, but that's OK, too.
I do that too! 

I’ll be honest here about stuff I have to work on. I’m thinking about your points 2 and 4. I have a strong ‘injustice’ vein (INTJ* talking) which I’m trying to temper. I have a problem with standing by, even though I know that each of us has to handle our own. I think I’m handling 4 better (but what do I know about my actions here?) but as for 2, work in progress, I can’t make any promises. I guess the thing for me to bear in mind is to keep out unless asked?

No need to shut up by the way unless you want to? I think your voice is respectful and helpful and it’s okay to use it here. I’m looking forward to learning from you: making mistakes and listening to others helps me learn, so I hope you'll allow me to do that? 

PS I'm editing in. I thought about * and thought, it's not becasue I'm that personality type is it, that I have an injustice trigger? Or who knows.  just thought putting 'INTJ' was unnecessary and now I feel silly for saying it but I'll leave it there to prove just how silly I get hey, nobody died becasue I posted somthing silly eh? and amde lots of typos by the look of this

[Hops]

Great list, LoH:
I'm totally on board with 1, 3, and esp. 5. As to 2 and 4, not sure. Would depend on the situation, and whether I wanted to stick my neck out.

I think part of it is that "negative" is too amorphous for me. I'd say to myself something more like, I will never intentionally belittle, insult, or devalue anyone, even if I may not like something posted. But I do feel okay about addressing any issue and speaking freely. And I would respect anyone's request not to address them if that happened.

Hi, P:
Until recently, I had no feelings of shame about how much I post. In the last few days I've had to work through that. I'm 90% there:
--my intention is never to silence anyone else with my own enthusiasm or volume
--the technology treats every post equally, whether 5 words or 5 pages
--if anyone wearied of any individual voice, there's an option to block a poster from appearing on your end (I'll go look if I can figure it out without logging in at work...)

But I know what you mean. In certain states of mind on certain days, I could type here all day, mind bouncing, heart happy, feeling fully alive. Since I practically exist in my fingertips on a keyboard anyway (I think that's where half my brain matter is), this is my element. So I do tend to post a lot, comment on almost every thread.

What it's about for me is the joy I feel, the privilege and comfort of participating here.

((((Everybody))))

Hops

[lightofheart]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your generous replies, thanks to Seasons, Jac for kind words, also:

Here is a robe.  I think we are really stepping up to the batting plate when we feel naked and queasy.  Your personal rules are well thought out and make good sense.

Thank you for that robe, aNewSheriff, really needed it. Also, for getting that I was just tossing out my rules, not for anyone but me, not trying to imply anyone else should take the pledge. PS- what color robe was it? I like purple

There’s as much space here as anyone wants to occupy. I’m not responsible for other people’s fears. Maybe I can contribute to a feeling of safety here by trying to be responsible for my own posts and trying to be respectful to others, but I'll make mistakes.

Thanks much, P. I absolutely agree, love how you put it. Also, what you said about perceived injustice/reactions resonated with me. Have yelled once ever in a work setting (the only sane thing to do; people were throwing chairs/punches); the next day my boss left a goofy cartoon on my desk, drew me as 'Peacenik with a Velvet Hammer.' He had a point. My feelings are mine, yours are yours, all the way 'round here. The part I try to check myself on is where/when/how I apply the velvet hammer, and context is everything. If someone's words/actions are inconsistent with my subjective take on justice, equality, accountability, etc., what reason do I have to expect a 'good' result they aren't given to, just 'cause I've wielded the hammer? Then who am I wielding it for, the spectre of Lady Justice, or me, me, me? I think there's a lot of compassion involved in just seeing someone for where they are and not trying to push (unless, as with you, P., the 'someone' has been real up front about what they want to be called on, and their self-pushing).

--my intention is never to silence anyone else with my own enthusiasm or volume

Well, Hops, know I mean this in the best possible way, smiling, but of course you don't want to silence anyone! May I call you an encourager? Hope you don't question the great trickledown effect of your enthusiasm and giving contributions here. Go Hops! Re. amorphous #4 (you're right, 'twas, very) about negativity, the simplest way I meant it was, I'm comfortable with addressing a behavior directly...as in, hey, you threw a brick at my head; oww, quit it. Brick or not, I'd feel negative if I jumped on why/how I thought you did it, or threw my assumptions around on your brick throwing. Does that make my little picture any clearer? Hope so.

Thanks to all for chiming in, especially for such good questions and anywhere you disagreed. Love it when people kindly disagree!
Good stretching involved, even--or especially--for the queasy of heart.

 
LoH 

[Hopalong]

Dear LoH, I hadn't seen this.
Thank you for calling me an encourager. 
 

I feel lucky to meet you, so glad you've come here.

((((((((LoH)))))))

Hops

[daylily guest]

Dear LoH,

Thanks for the lovely, thoughtful post.  I think we would all do well not just to read and ponder your "rules" but to absorb and appreciate your generosity of spirit.

And I don't think anyone should "promise" to "shut up" here, even for a while.

Best,
daylily

[lightofheart]

Dear Daylily,

Thank for your very kind words.

I see your point about 'shut up', even as self-applied. For what it's worth, I wasn't whacking myself around, just announcing my intention  to listen for a while vs. talk. You're right though: 'now I'll just listen for a while' would've sounded much gentler.

I'm really touched--very sweet of you, Daylily--that you stuck up for me like that. (& gosh knows, can be my own worst enemy)

Thanks for setting such a good self-loving example.

best,
LoH

[ANewSheriff]

LOH: 

PS- what color robe was it? I like purple

Why then, purple it is.  Isn't cyberspace wonderful?  As a matter of fact.  I think I will have that delivered to you with flowers and a box of chocolates.  Oh, look at me - give, give, give...  (Giggle)

ANewSheriff