Eyes

[Anansi]

Hi All,

May I start a thread on eyes?  I know this might get abstract but the burning question I have right now is about those big goggle popping out eyes that I see so much of.  What does it really mean body/mind-wise?  Are they in symbiotic contact with everyone they look at?  Are they possessed by an archetype?  Are they in "siren" land or "fairy" land?  Are they more split?  Does anyone know what I mean?  Couple this with Jacmac's wonderful post on giving empathy (first entry):  The emphatic partner "Imagines the inner being behind the other’s eyes" - has anyone ever gotten an image looking behind another's eyes? 
I'm looking for insights on how I may overcome my fear at looking people in the eyes. 

I care for you all and I wish you a safe and relaxed life and anything other you are looking for. 
Anansi

My shadow:  I see my need to be validated is greater than my capacity to give support to others.  I'm sad about this.  The Chinese call this "empty fire." 

[ANewSheriff]

Anansi: 

I'm looking for insights on how I may overcome my fear at looking people in the eyes.

I hope that as you build your confidence up this will become easier for you.  In the meantime, since you are asking I will say that my personal belief is that this type of issue can be overcome by practice.  In other words, it is a skill - a life skill.  It is a piece of the skill of assertiveness. 

Of course, this will be very hard in the beginning.  But, like learning anything new the more you practice the better you will become.  You refuse to cower to those voices that tell you not to look because somehow you are not worthy.  It is very hard, maybe impossible to turn them off, but you can refuse to honor their demands.  Then you simply take your index finger, place it under your chin, and push as hard as you can until you are looking your acquaintance eye-to-eye.

You have every right to do so!

ANewSheriff 

 

       

[Me]

I have always thought that not looking people in the eyes has more to it than insecurity. Yes, insecurity is one very valid as well as common reason. But, it could be more than that.

I am very empathic - psychically so.  One of the ways I can 'feel' another's wholeness is to gaze into their eyes.  It leads me directly to the soul. I can discern emotions of the other and all sorts of energies. Now, I know this is not a board for this type of converstation, however, I mention it here in order to make a point that there are other reasons not to look into eyes.  Ask yourself, when you look into someone's eyes, do you seem to get overwhelmed with emotions which may appear suddenly?  If so, then it could be that you are empathically picking up the emotions of the other. Some people can do this and not know they are doing it. I have found it very common in people with long term abuse.  We have learned without realizing it that we can 'read' the emotional level of the abuser before he/she has walked into the door. 

Lovers look into each others eyes and feel each other at a heart level.  This is a positive example of an emotional transference.

Now, filter a possibility that the eye gazer may not be able to know themselves from a deep level. This being the case, then yes, insecurity comes to mind. There is a vulnerability at opening ourselves so much when we gaze into the eyes of another.  Say, perhaps that no one has ever shared love with you by looking lovingly into your eyes.  This would cause an uncomfortable feeling for you when it happens now, for it would be a new experience.  Also, filter in the negative possibility: did an abusive parent look right into your eyes while being abusive? 

To look into the eyes of another and allow the openeness of energy sharing, I think at least three things must be in place:  1) you have to know your own emotions and be comfortable with them 2) you need the ability to discern the emotional level of another. 3) You are comfortable giving love and receiving love from another person, for one of the strongest ways to convey this level of acceptance is to gaze into someone's eyes.

One more thing...those of us who have hearing difficulties will stare at the mouth of the other people when they are talking in order to help understand the words being said. 

Lots of thoughts came to mind...wrote them hurridly.  Nice topic.

[Hopalong]

I wonder if we share a behavior with canines (and maybe other animals too, I don't know)...for whom eye contact is about who's going to be alpha, who beta?

Hops

[MarisaML]

I'm the opposite of you Anansi.  I feel that I have to look people directly in the eyes.  It makes me feel uncomfortable if I can't meet someones gaze while speaking with them.  This could definitely be one of the hinderances keeping you from building relationships with others. The only people that I have trouble looking directly at them in the eyes are people I strongly dislike.  I'm not sure why though.  Unless I'm afraid that they'll pick up on how I feel if they look me in the eyes.  You need to learn to love yourself first.  If you lack confidence it is because of your feelings about yourself.  Like me for example... I walk into a room and know that I'm just as good as anyone there.  And I honestly feel that if someone doesn't like me than it is their problem.  I know that because of my politeness and kindness towards others I have done my part.   And I expect others to treat me with the same respect.  And if they can't than I don't need them in my life.  That is self-esteem.  Not allowing others to treat you badly and not letting it crush you if they don't like you.  Because no one is liked by everyone all the time. 

"Cool means being able to hang with yourself. All you have to ask yourself is 'Is there anybody I'm afraid of? Is there anybody who if I walked into a room and saw, I'd get nervous?' If not, then you're cool."  Prince

[IamNewtoMe]

I really like this thread, Anansi, thanks for starting it.

I rarely looked at people in the eye until i met my husband 8 years ago.  He gently pointed out to me that I only looked at the floor or at people's mouths.  I had no idea I was doing this.  Now that I am in therapy, discovering things about myself and beginning to understand the effects of my Nmom and largely absent alcoholic father, I see the connection.

Neither of my parents look at me when they talk to me, unless they are angry or desperate for self-aggrandizing attention.  So for me, I think I learned not to look at anyone because at best, there wouldn't be anyone looking back at me.

My husband has very intense eyes.  He is a very kind and compassionate person.  He really seems to look into people's soul when he look at them (Me, your post reminded me of my husband - in a very good way, even though I find eyecontact unnerving).  I know he looks at me with love, but sometimes I still cringe.  As I was raised, even love hurt.

 I also identified with what Me said about an empathic person picking up on others' emotions through their eyes.  I am also very empathic (it was a necessity to get along with my Nmom), so maybe it's too hard for me to be that empathic all the time.  It is draining.  Break eye contact, muffle the emotions?

Anyway, now I work actively on looking people in the eye.  I am not sure I am doing it "right", because it still does not come naturally to me.  But it is getting easier.

[Anansi]

Thank you IamNewtoMe for saying you like this thread.  I feel better.  And thank you for replying and sharing.  I'm happy for you that you found a loving husband (at seems that way) and I celebrate for your 8 years of enhanced relationships.  I acknowledge that you felt/feel pain related to your tender years and that some or many of your needs for acceptance and safety weren't met related to absent father and mother who self-aggrandized.   Thank you all for replying to me.  I always appreciate your connections here!!  And thank you again Beth for helping me notice my shadow!  I feel better connecting with ALL of you!!

"I am also very empathic (it was a necessity to get along with my Nmom), so maybe it's too hard for me to be that empathic all the time."

I'm desperate to know the difference between enmeshment, fusion, symbiosis and empathy visa-vee eye contact!  Because on occasion I'll look at someone with intense eyes and then have a horrible nightmare - Did I pick up his wounded soul and am I process it for him?  And then does he feel better eventhough I may never see him again?  Is that why he was piercely looking at me?  This is scary stuff and I'm confused between my fear of eye contact due to past triggers of being bullied in childhood ("What are you looking at? + being attack on more than one occasion) and my fear of enmeshment and picking up "death wishes" if they project someone they hate but don't even know it.  I know I'm stretching here, but learning about this may be my path.  I desperately need data, opinions on this.  I've asked the odd person here and there and always gets shamed for asking.  And thank you MarisaML for sharing your experience.  I appreciate it.  May I ask?  Why do you feel uncomfortable if someone doesn't meet your gaze while you are speaking with them?  Can you expand on this (if you are willing).  I would apprecate it very much.  I love your Cool quote.  Thanks.  I'll remember it.  It's helpful. 

Hi Hops, Wow, thank you!  Perhaps it ties in with the whole predator/prey (hammar/nail) thing?  I really hope more info will surface on this! 

Hi Me, thank you for saying what you've said.  Maybe you're right. Maybe it's that I'm simply picking up their emotions like you said.  If that's the case, I don't think I've met anyone who feels safe/peaceful inside!!??? I don't know what I'm saying right now??

"Lovers look into each others eyes and feel each other at a heart level.  This is a positive example of an emotional transference. "

This line brought up sadness and fear in me.  Thank you.  I believe it happens.

Hops, you said were in a hurry when you wrote this.  I appreciate it very much.  Thank you. 

Thank you ANewSherrif, my old dear friend here.  Thank you for input.  What you say is always welcome by me!  I have a sense of what you said about the finger to the chin.  It stirs in me.

Feeling tired,

Anansi

"Me:  What am I doing wrong?
Dreams:  Here, let me draw you a picture" - Hugh Pratner

[IamNewtoMe]

I'm desperate to know the difference between enmeshment, fusion, symbiosis and empathy visa-vee eye contact!

You are not alone with this.  I feel this way, too.  Is this a boundary issue?  It feels like it to me, but I don't understand boundaries well at all (regarding eye contact or anything else).

I do think that you will be able to sort this out in time, though.  Hang in there!

[Me]

Anansi,

A little empathy hint:  If you can maintain the feeling of absolute Divine love in whatever way you understand it, then you will be able to look into the eyes of another and feel only love.  Yes, it takes practice. I suggest looking into the mirror at your own eyes for a while and feeling the love which is in you, is of you, and is you.  One you connect to this love, you can be present with it with another person.

Keep trying this. It is a process, not a one time event.  But it works!

[cat]

Interesting topic.  For a long time, looking people in the eyes really didn't mean much - other than I needed to do it to get a job (you know, good eye contact and all that stuff).

However, I worked for a man who could only see out of one eye, who was amazing at seeing what you weren't saying (if that makes sense.)  He taught me to always look at people's eyes.  You can see when they're having a headache, you can see when they're falling asleep.  You can see when they're upset, or when they're in love.  You can see when they're in pain. . You really can see a lot when you look into someones eyes. . and really train yourself to do it.

Ah, but there's a rub!  Once you get attuned to it - how do you react to it?  For a headache - offer some aspriin?  If someone is upset - do you step up and ask what's bothering them and if you can just listen? 

Personally, when I don't feel good, or don't want people to know if I'm hurt, or upset - I tend to shield my eyes.  Sunglasses will work . . but it comes down to a boundary thing.

Anyway - good topic!

[MarisaML]

And thank you MarisaML for sharing your experience.  I appreciate it.  May I ask?  Why do you feel uncomfortable if someone doesn't meet your gaze while you are speaking with them?  Can you expand on this (if you are willing).  I would apprecate it very much.  I love your Cool quote.  Thanks.  I'll remember it.  It's helpful. 

You're welcome.  And I really hope that it helps in some small way.  I think that the only reason I feel uncomfortable if someone doesn't meet my gaze is because I am such a visual person.  That's all.  My attention is usually held better in a visual way.  If that makes any sense.  This is bad for me because I am very near-sighted (about 20/300).  So when I'm without my contacts or glasses and someone talks to me I have trouble hearing them.    Confusing isn't it?  And I'm glad you like the quote.  I know that there are some who thinks Prince is a has-been loser but I think he is pretty cool.  He just does whatever he wants without being afraid of what people think of him.  Look at all the odd things he's done.  He wears purple fur coats, purple feather hats, and high heels and yet he's still man enough for some very beautiful and famous women. 

[reallyME]

Anasazi: May I start a thread on eyes?  I know this might get abstract but the burning question I have right now is about those big goggle popping out eyes that I see so much of.  What does it really mean body/mind-wise?

I just wanted to say that there is also a physical illness called Hashimoto Syndrome, that causes people's eyes to bulge out, making them look pretty scary at times.  When they get excited or upset, the upper eyelid goes up about 1/4 of an inch above the iris of the eye, leaving more of the white than we usually see in people without the disease.  It has to do with the thyroid not working properly.

L

[Anansi]

Dear L (reallyMe),

Thank you.  I looked up at bit about this thyroid problem and it's got me thinking about the throat bridge of communication b/n head and heart.  I wonder why it's so attractive to look at a person with these eyes?  There's something going but I just can't quite get a handle on it.  Thank you again for contributing. 

Hi Visual MarisaML,

Thanks for noticing that I asked you a question and thanks for reply.  You said that when you're not using lenses, it helps you hear a person when they make eye contact.  Hmmmm.   I share a similar eye degree condition with you, unfortunately I'm very unbalanced (R. 300, L.400).  I guess you connect with Prince on some level(s).  Cool.

Hi Cat,

Thank you for writing in.  I enjoyed what you wrote about the the one eye situation.  While I was reading your post, I closed each eye in turn, wondering which eye of his he was using to pick up so much.  I guess it's the left?  Sunglasses - yeah, that's a trigger for me.  If I talk to someone and they won't take off their sunglasses within one second, I'll LEAVE!  How rude.  I'm so glad I've raised my confidence because in the past I would just sit and suffer in silence while Dracula sucked my life energy (a trigger indeed).
If you think of more stuff on eyes, I hope you'll share it.  Thanks again. 

Hi Me,

Thanks for this perspective of Divine Love.  I found it suprising and refreshing and .. relieving.

Dear IAmNewToMe,

Thank you for your support and for letting me that I'm not alone.  (Psychic) boundary issues?  I still hold a lot of anger toward the whole education schooling system that I went through.  I learned NOTHING!  And they robbed me of so much! 

"The purpose of the educational system is to turn you into worker bees and consumer bees" - forgot the name

I feel sad I can't keep up with all the posts that get on here.  I feel left out of so much.  So I'm very grateful when I do get a reply on something I do post.  Thanks everybody.

Anansi

[cat]

In addition to my boss (who could only see out of one eye), I worked with a man recently who has something called "crohn's" disease.  It causes his eyes to bulge significantly - - and he wears some type of corrective film over his glasses to try to pull his eye focus together.

After dealing with that boss who could see out of one eye, I just took the "bull by the horns" and told the man with crohn's disease, I really am interested in talking with you and listening to you.  However, your eyes distract me somewhat.  If you could tell me what eye makes the most sense for me to focus on, please let me know.  He told me. . he wasn't offended. . and he was very kind.  Ever since then, we've had great conversations by looking into that one eye : )

[Anansi]

Thanks for sharing Cat.  I noticed how you expressed your value before your request.  You faced the "fear" to get to the gold.  Sweet example.  I guess a person with only one eye went through major trauma (even if was developmental), letting them be more in touch with his earthly existence.  He's landed the hard way.