Feeling sad and beat up

[anony123]

This is Jack, I was writing some stuff and I thought I would share some for your opinions.

I was in a 6 month conflicted and tumultous relationship with a 49 year old Princess.
She always looked so sweet and pretty and lovely -like a child/woman. She has a 'helpless' quality and demeanor. Her married friends treat her like a "lost child" and have taken her under their wing.

However she also never makes or 'owns' her own emotions, wishes ,choices or decisions.She constantly refers or defers to others -  from small stuff, "Jack, will I take my cell into the restaurant?" to major events-
" I had a breast enlargement after my children and when I was in the OR,my husband ordered the surgeon to make 'em D cups -I wanted little perky ones. I got D cups ."
She acts as if her life is directed and controlled by others and that everything that happens to her is at someone else's hands.
She is skilled and articulate at re-directing fault and blame at me and others ( especially men)and regards herself as Princess Perfect who wants to sprinkle fairy dust all over.  She, therefor cannot ever be at fault. She has no problem re-wtriting history to distort it to exclude her contibution, or to paint herself in the best light and to darken me.
She has talked about finding "the man of my dreams" to ME. I think that I should have read that as a statement that I was not the successful contender?
I was always on edge around her as if she would shatter and break. I felt uncertain about my relationship with her and she was never available on a regular basis citing children issues at home.


I was attempting to form an adult relationship with this woman., What are the chances ?
She said often that my loving emails to her, "got me in". Not my character or wisdom or even my energy, but my emails seem to do it? Maybe she is addicted to male worship or adoration.She seems to crave it in truckloads.. " I fall in love with men who fall in love with me."  Maybe that means also that when the relationship problems start and "love" goes behind a cloud, she bails.
I am feeling depressed and confused because she has something that i really wanted and it is still not clear. Unless i figure this out I am still likely to go back to her -
She is playing mind games right now too.
Jack ,

[reallyME]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think you figured it out already...and in two words as nicely as I can put this...DITCH HER!

[mountainspring]

Hi Jack,

You said she has something that you really want and it's still not clear.  What do you think it might be?  When things are going well between the two of you, how do you feel?  When things are not going well, how do you feel?  What is it about her that you are drawn too? 

I don't think she is going to change unless she has a strong desire from within to change.  You said she blames others for her problems, she takes no responsibility for anything, she plays mind games, and that you are always on eggshells when around her.  I think you deserve more than that.  Don't you?

MS

[anony123]

Hi, " really ME"  maybe you could expand on your reply please?
What do you read in my post ? Am I nuts ? Why would an otherwise sane middle-aged guy date someone like that ?? Gets me?

Jack.

[anony123]

I just wanted for her to love me in an adult, intimate and committed way. Maybe the struggle that i felt was a powerful motivating factor too. In my original family I had to perform and struggle for every crumb of recognition. NO easy unconditional flow.
I my relationship with 'J' I felt myself trying to 'earn' more love from her and trying to convince her that I was worth it and that she should love me moreand become more committed to me. Kinda pathetic in a way? It is still not clear why I chose her over other women. I have never sought a woman's love before and when I think about it ,love came easily in other relationships when I did not 'chase' it. Does that make any sense ??
Jack

[mountainspring]

So it feels like if you 'earn' her love that gives you worth?  Suppose she isn't capable of loving anyone?  I think when you have to earn love it's not really love.  Aren't you worth just as much if she doesn't love you?

[Hopalong]

Hi Jack,
I believe your answer is here:

[She]...was emotionally superficial. She was a dependent personality.....  I never heard "I love you" ..... My acceptance and approval .... was highly conditional upon my 'performance' in many aspects..... BUt I never quite 'earned' .... love . My best was never good enough.

I think this woman has just the right combination of your mother's traits, and perhaps even some of your father's...to be a combustible mix with the self-loathing any unloved child develops. If you can win HER (despite her obvious lack of commitment or real interest in you) ... then maybe you will somehow magically be able to rewrite your painful past.

Jack, you can't. The pain of this relationship will recycle endlessly until you leave her for a relationship with yourself. That work (which imo you need to do with a strong wise therapist) is painful too.

The difference? You come out a whole man, who can find and love a whole woman who will love him back.

To quote folks who've been telling me the same, you must tell yourself until you believe it, that you deserve this.

Hops

[reallyME]

anony

I just see codependent written all over this pseudo-relationship.  My suggestion is that you seek a strong male-therapist talk to about dysfunctional relationships, but please, leave Princess Powerful and Prissy by the wayside and don't look back.  Take it from one who has been there.

ReallyME

[Brigid]

Jack,

I am feeling depressed and confused because she has something that i really wanted and it is still not clear.

I'm not sure there is any other way to tell you aside from what has already been said.  IMO you want her to love you.  As I said in another of your threads, you think that if you just try hard enough, stay long enough and find the magic pill, she will eventually love you.  She probably can't.  At least not in a way that you would want and would make you feel loved.  Maybe you view it as a challenge, I don't know. . . but no matter what, it will never be healthy.

Unless i figure this out I am still likely to go back to her -

If you choose to go back to her, the dance will begin again--she will be nice for a time, eventually making more and more unreasonable demands again, leaving you feeling like crap again; you will withdraw into your shell, she will beg you to come out--luring you with seduction and physical intimacy; you will think she is ready to love you again, but she still can't--and so it goes. 

Doesn't sound like much fun to me.   

Please find a real therapist with whom to work through this.  I believe that is the only way you will really figure this out.  IMVHO--it really never has been or ever will be about her--it is about you.

Brigid