emotionally abused by narcissistic boyfriend

[logos4philo]

 
I can't believe it happened.  Things were going along rather well in our relationship and all of a sudden he started to insult me and my family.  I thought he did not mean it.  I thought he was joking or maybe I was just in denial.  I know I should have walked away from the relationship when he would not stop his cruel verbal attacks, but he provided me some kind words, too.  It was a mixed bag.  How does one know when to leave for good? 

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Logos4Philo,

I hope this link might help a little. (See item 6...)

On edit: forgot the link. Here 'tis: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4112.html

Best to you,
Hopalong

[logos4philo]

Thanks Hop,

That is a very good article.  He also said he wishes I were an intellectual.  I wish I were an intellectual, too, and I am going to try to become one by earning a PhD in French Literature and becoming a dynamic member of the intellectual community.  But that won't make him like me.  What do you think it means to be an intellectual?  He does not think one has to have a lot of education to be one.  Basically, he thinks I lack merit. 

[blue]

OK you have a N boy friend
Do you know what that means??
No matter what you ""become"' it will not be ENOUGH
Love isn't about becoming anything
it is about loving and accepting you for who you are
I have an N b/f too and no matter what I did.....it was not and never will be enough ( I have N parents too)
( i was so thin at one point it was nuts and he was still telling me i was too fat!)
I have a Masters but i am ""not able to communicate with anyone"" his words (My degree is in psychology!)
I have my own home and have started a business which is doing well (and have always owned property) but i am no good with money (He has rented in the same place for 20 years!!) and is in horrible debt and made me in debt ) I am too old (he is three years older then me) I am a bad parent (he has never had children)
It goes on and on
It isn't not easy getting out of a N relationship (its called being codependent)
but if you really want too then you must cut all ties
You will never be good enough for your N b/f  He will always find fault with you (seldom will he mention your good  points unless he thinks you are leaving him ) It is a toxic relationship with no hope of happiness and it will never get better. N's are mentally ill. Don't forget it
blue

[Hopalong]

Logos,
I think I need to hear more about your life story before I can comment.
I am wondering if your letter is a spoof.

My intuition could be off, though.

Hopalong

[logos4philo]

Hop,

I wish it were a hoax.  I wish I had not put myself through approx. a year of an abusive relationship.  I could not pull myself away from him despite his mistreatment of me.  I would like to know how to prevent future bad decisions.  But most of all, I want to get over the pain I have allowed myself to endure in this last relationship.  He was not emotionally available to me for the most part.  Once, I called him crying and he didn't even ask me why I was crying.  He simply told me he wouldn't be able to speak with me for several hours.  Still, this didn't convince me to break up with him.  Anyway, I am kicking myself for allowing myself to be strung along. 

[Portia]

Hi logos4philo

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm interested, just a side thing, hope you won't mind - your name is unusual, does it mean anything in particular? I was wonderng whether it had anything to do with your interest in becoming an 'intellectual' (which i think is simply someone who likes to think about things in great depth?)?

This probably sounds rude too, but can i ask, is English your first language? To me your writing style is a little - well, without style - and I wondered why? Perhaps there's another reason? Hope that's not too probing...

[mum]

Welcome, Logos.
I am sure a lot of us can relate to what you say about your life....and your boyfriend. Asking yourself WHY you put up with this is very important to do....but only with help (here....friends, maybe a therpist?) because the reason we usually get into those relationships is that we are not valuing ourselves.....and then finding that out, at least in my experience, led to totally beating myself up all over again for thinking so little of myself! A pretty nasty little circle of self hatred!

So, go easy on yourself. You only "mistake" you've made (well, I don't believe in "mistakes") was to love someone who didn't deserve it. These N's are "emotional vampires" (great book, by the way) who will suck the loving energy out of you....it's their N supply.....and we give it willingly, thinking "love will conquer all". Well, it does, but only with those who know what love is. Save yourself, sweetie.

All I needed to see was your title of your thread. You put it there. Read it over and over and listen to YOURSELF....not to him.
YOU are worth the life you deserve.

Bless you....I will send you all good intention and strength for your journey...(you lucky woman. You get to find out just how wonderful you are!!!!)

PS: my second ex N was an "intellectual artist". (read: poor, resentful, snooty, deep down insecure) (vomiting sound please...we don't have an icon for that). I've never been around so many N's in one place as I was while with him..... Talk about souless zombies! Brrrrrr. People who are booksmart, or lifesmart or smart at all, don't go around CALLING themselves intellectuals and certainly they don't expect others to "rise" to the call of "intellectualism". G'me a break. (another vomit sound, ok)?

[Hopalong]

My apologies, Logos. It must've been the late hour. No idea why I was unsure, unless it might be the language thing Portia wondered about. You can let us know.

(Note to self: you just debated with Mudpup whether people are guilty until proven innocent or the other way 'round, you twit!)

Back to you. I completely agree with Mum's spot-on slice 'n dice here:

People who are booksmart, or lifesmart or smart at all, don't go around CALLING themselves intellectuals and certainly they don't expect others to "rise" to the call of "intellectualism".

And I am very sorry for what you've been through. Here you will find story after story of people who "awoke" to why they were attracted to bad relationship partners, how it is usually renacting something from their childhood and trying to make it right, and how they make strenuous and wholehearted efforts to become aware.

It's sharing the awarenesses, step by painful or Eureka! step, that we help each other.

Welcome, Logos.

Hopalong

[logos4philo]

Mum and Hopalong,
I very much appreciate your kind and thoughtful comments to me.  I have had such a hard time with the loss!  It's of course more like a divorce but it feels a bit like death.  He won't respond to me e-mails so I'm talking to a wall when I write to him.  I sent him a note via snail mail today and I suppose that will be my last missive to him.  Everyone says "just move on!" but that is so hard to do.  I am definitely not a stalker-type and I won't bother him with calls, but I really enjoyed his company despite his cruel comments and seemingless thoughtless behaviors sometimes.  It is a grieving process and I definitely don't want to make the wrong choice in a significant other ever again.  I have to stop looking for powerful people to validate my existence.  The power I am and have always been drawn to is intellectual prowess.  I am going towork on possessing that which I admire in others.

[Portia]

Hi Logos,

I have to stop looking for powerful people to validate my existence.

Me too. I try to remember this:

When we make heroes of others, we diminish ourselves.

[mudpuppy]

Hi wordforlove,

What do you think it means to be an intellectual?

In my experience it usually means one is a stuck-up sticky-beak.  
Some of the smartest, most intellectually cultivated  people I know are also some of the cruelest. And if they aren't cruel they are often utterly clueless.
IMO all human beings are basically imbeciles. Some happen to be better at processing or retaining certain information than others, but virtually everyone makes similar mistakes, similar miscalculations, are similarly gullible or unwise. And historically intellectuals have been particularly prone to just about every human weakness and unhappiness. (Before anyone has a cow, I'm only speaking in generalities.)

What matters is what is in the heart not the head.
Solomon got it right in Ecclesiastes. All of our pursuits, whether intellectual or material are, in the long run, in vain.
I think it is more rewarding to cultivate the heart than the mind. It tends to attract a nicer class of people as well, I've found.

mud

BTW, can't see anything wrong with your writing. Seems pretty clear and straightforward to me.

[logos4philo]

I think it's quite feasible to cultivate the mind and the heart simultaneously, don't you, mudpuppy?  I wanted people to see my name as meaning "reason for love".  I'm still stewing over the breakup of my relationship with that guy.  It hurts so much and as a result, I began pulling out the hair on the crown of my head!  It's quite a mess now...it looks sick!  The bald spot is the size of my palm and it's smack dab in the center of the top of my head.  I am going to have to take extreme measures to cover this testament to the pain I've been going through.  He wrote to me today and said we'd never be together again romantically and it just makes me so despondent, I can't even articulate it.  I have a tendency to cycle back on all of the negatives of my life, but he was in many ways an excellent catch.  I felt he and I really cathected on multiple levels.  Mudpuppy, thanks for expressing something positive about my writing.  Je peux ecrire en francais aussi.  I am American, though.  I would have liked to have been in attendance at Cannes this year.  Oh well...perhaps next year!   Thanks for writing.  Cheers.

[logos4philo]

Has anyone ever had a good, long-term relationship with a narcissist?  What does that sort of relationship look like?  Do they even exist?

[Hopalong]

Logos,
The end of this relationship is triggering you to harm yourself. Even if it's just hair-pulling, litererally snatching the crown of your head bald is extreme. (FYI, bald people are no more intellectual than people with hair... )

Anyway, it's too much, imho, what you're doing. You're feeling great pain and strong compulsion at the same time, is that right? I am wondering if you're willing to consider getting yourself to a therapist at the start of the week? And then line up support group meetings of any sort (Co-Dependency, Women's Support Group, Al-Anon whether you "qualify" or not, any church you like) so you'll have a place to be with people and get support every single day. If you do that, you'll weather this transition more sanely and come out on the other side with a lot more awareness of yourself, your relationship with yourself. You do have one, you know. And right now, you're not being very kind to you.

Hope you won't struggle alone. Glad you're here, too.

Hops