I appreciate the candid responses. They were very thought provoking and eloquently put. Just to clarify, the post was not in reference to myself per se. My major problem is the split from my head and my heart. You see, intellectually, I "know" what is happening, I know what I have to do, I know it is wrong, I know how I am responsible. However, in my heart, especially with someone who is able to push all my buttons, I lose my center, I no longer "know" anything -- I'm unsure. I have confessed to my therapist many times that I think reading, studying, "knowing" is just an intellectual exercise which means nothing if you can't put what you've learned into practice.
That being said, my post was meant to provoke some thinking in the forum. You see, I think some people, having come to the other side, having accepted that they have a right to be treated well, and having now endeavored to search out their part in the whole fiasco, forget how to be compassionate to someone else who has not reached that stage.
I remember having a conversation about this with someone else at another on-line support group forum. She explained it this way. She said, imagine a man who was attacked by a dog when he was younger. He grows up with a great fear of dogs, becoming paralized in fear at their very presence, and although he is older, stronger, smarter, that fear has never been addressed. She explained that now his fear response, although it worked well for him when he was younger, is totally inappropriate for the situations with which he is presented. So she says as survivors we have to learn a new response, and that is what many members of support group forums are trying to point out when they are confronted with someone who is still dealing with issues of feeling like a victim.
My response was acknowledging that all that she said is true, and using her example, I walk into a room with a miniature french poodle. A six foot tall, 250 pound man runs in fear and cowers in the corner, screaming at the top of his lungs. Isn't more appropriate, and wouldn't it be more effective to calm him down, comfort him, perhaps show him by example that the dog is harmless, and there is really no danger, and then, when he is better able to "hear" me, address how his response to the dog is inappropriate and could perhaps be coming from issues that he needs to deal with inside of himself?
It just seems to me, IMO, addressing the "victim mentality" head on, without acknowledging the right for the underlying feelings to exist, and their validity undermines the role of a support group, at times seems hostile and unwelcoming, and may turn away the very people who need the support the most. Sometimes I feel like the one who is admonishing the other to "look at yourself", "take responsibility", without first addressing the person's pain and suffering, is actually very uncomfortable with vulnerable feelings and emotions, and that is why they are unable to address them.
Just my thoughts.
