Author Topic: What Made 'em That Way?  (Read 7085 times)

Hops

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2006, 05:24:06 PM »
Hey Really,
Take a deeeeeeeeeep breath....c'mon........breaaaaaaathee.

You're doing your excellent imitation of a pit bull again... :?
I know, it's habitual and probably you have had very good reasons to pick up that pattern, eh?

Give it time when you don't feel understood...just hang on, wait a little, see if things calm.
Okay?

I think you might not help yourself when you "go capital"...
Is that anything like "going postal"?  :)

(BTW, I thought your post about Beth's question & answer seemed very helpful. But remember, we never know if people are online or not, busy or distracted, etc. I'm sure she will respond to you when she can.)

Meanwhile, ready to hear more about you, anytime.

Hops

mountainspring

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2006, 05:25:25 PM »
Hi Hops.....

Quote
I don't think feeling "unhooked" about my Mom was an achievement on my part, as much as a result of time and exposure.

Let me get this right, you've lived with her and cared for her for 8 years, most of which has been a battle, she's dangled the house in front of your nose, had you pay rent, and to get her to stop you had to rage at her, all this on top of abuse as a child, and now she's calmed and you've forgiven her...  and you don't think that's an achievement????

I do, and I don't think many people could do what you've done.  Your mother is very very lucky to have you for a daughter.  

mountainspring

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2006, 05:29:38 PM »
Are you okay RM?

reallyME

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2006, 05:45:47 PM »
Am I OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK?  well, how would you feel if you told your situation and story and were told "it's time to GET OVER IT" every time you ventured to do what everyone else was already?  Or is this list only tolerant of people whose PARENTS or BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS were or are N's?  Please, I will stick to posting my story to my own threads and not responding with examples from it, as I've said in other posts, but I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW EVEN FROM THE SUPERVISOR OF THIS LIST, why every time I try to do what all of YOU do, am I judged as WRONG?!

~ReallyME

mountainspring

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2006, 05:53:21 PM »
I wouldn't feel so good RM.  I think you've stated before that you've put Jodi in the past, and maybe what others are trying to point out  to you is that it doesn't seem that way when you post about her.  Are you still hurting?

Hopalong

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #20 on: June 12, 2006, 06:31:12 PM »
(((((Really)))))

It's not fair.
It's a tone thing, and it's not intentional, I am sure.

You're just as welcome to speak about any N in your life as anybody else.

Forums are funny things, and sometimes people get irritated and vent. Just human, just like you.
That might be a challenge for everyone...to feel our buttons get pushed and detach more, not react so much.

Honestly, I would've had my feelings hurt too, had I been hushed. (Or thought I was being hushed.)

Know what? I'm not worrying about you, Really, because I know you'll roll with it and keep on communicating. I admire that impulse in you...because I think you want connection enough to forgive things that go awry.

I was so very impressed with your softened tone on the board when you came back after your recent retreat, you know? It was just remarkable, and I could feel how hard you'd worked to do that.

It might be that some folks just forgot your changes, and were reacting out of memories of your earlier posts, or earlier impressions of you.

Forgive, okay? Sometimes people just do stuff. Mistakes too.

Hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

reallyME

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #21 on: June 12, 2006, 06:39:43 PM »
I am hearing you, hops.  I will consider what you've said.

~RM

gratitude28

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #22 on: June 12, 2006, 08:29:09 PM »
Hi all (and Laura in particular),
I am on at a different hour than all of you as I live in Japan. We overlap a bit, but it gets pretty quiet online at the end of my workday. I did appreciate your comment and just read it two minutes ago. I am also wondering if you are OK??? I agree that you had been sounding so much more peaceful lately.

Thank you everyone for all the great comments and stories. I have been thinking since yesterday, why do I bring up these subjects and feel the need to hash them over? I think I am purging myself of them. I don't plan to go over them endlessly, but I do need to see that my feelings were valid and that I now need to decide where to go from here.

Hops, I also almost like my mother, especially sometimes. I read somewhere that more than anything, NPD is frustrating b/c the N is so unpredictable. My mother can be very kind and sweet. It's just hard for me to take now when I know the next words out might be something horrible. She has actually been a kinder person since she started on ADs, too. I think I have dwelt on the BAD here, because I am trying to accept for myself that I am not/was not a bad person. For years I just felt ugly inside, but now I am seeing that the person I perceived I was is not real. That is my mother's projection on to me, which I assumed.

As I've said, this summer I am going to visit. It will be interesting to see how things go fueled with all this knowledge and with all the great advice I've been given. In the past, when she did something mean, I shut her out and ignored her, which often turned to rage. Now I'm going to try to be an adult and tell her calmly if she hurts me and why. Maybe we can make some progress that way.

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

gratitude28

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2006, 08:31:27 PM »
Also, Laura, you are right, I did answer my own question on "WHY?" I think my question, after mulling it over, should be "HOW?" How can a mother do that to her child?????????
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

reallyME

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2006, 09:20:13 PM »
gratitude,  yes HOW can they...although I think some of us, in studying NPD and the origin of it, are aware of how they can...no conscience, no empathy...that will do it.

~Laura

adrift

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #25 on: June 12, 2006, 09:33:27 PM »
Reallyme,  I haven't meant to overlook anyone's contributions and haven't been here long enough to know y'all but I do understand where you're coming from. There's another forum (totally different subject matter) that I've been on for a long time and I"m well known there---one of the top posters---and when several of my posts don't get responded to I start feeling ignored and unwanted.  Then I begin to think that maybe what I posted was considered stupid or of no importance and I can really let it get under my skin. I know I've very sensitive to rejection so that may be why I always assume the worst when my posts are overlooked but I'm not saying that's how/why you feel the way you do. 

I think everyone on here makes lots of valid points and I'm learning so much. Thanks guys!!!

Adrift

reallyME

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #26 on: June 12, 2006, 09:43:02 PM »
No, Adrift...I'm not just "perceiving" that I'm ignored at times here.  There have been at least 2 instances when I've even STARTED a thread and my comments were totally glided over, while someone else changed the topic.  It happens quite a bit and not just to me on this board.  I think it comes from people having been raised by N's who did that and do that to them.

~Laura

moonlight52

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #27 on: June 13, 2006, 12:22:36 AM »
HI ALL I know some of the reasons darn good reasons ,they went thu bad stuff.But so did I
the difference is I humbly say I am not mean,cruel,physically abusive,manipulative etc. So what makes them be like that and me not be bitter and cruel.Well I have let myself feel the pain of the bad experiences and released them .They sadly can not.From what
I see they feel very little or shallow level its so sad so pitiful.All I know Is if you can get in touch with painful experiences really feel them you can get unstuck.BY GUM I am feeling I know I have made mistakes .I admit them and try to make them right.
not sticky.Feel the pain, process it ,release it, get beyond it and you become your real self which is what GOD wanted
compassion love always the love This moon feels so much love for each of us.Day by day I will try to be strong.And be grateful just to feel love or sometimes hurt ,I will grow to be strong for those I love who need me I will try my best every day.Because having love in your heart is a gift from God. LOVE IS GOD
Love and Light
MoonLight
« Last Edit: July 01, 2006, 07:08:11 PM by moonlight52 »

Stormchild

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #28 on: June 13, 2006, 07:52:00 AM »
I really think there is a time in most lives when some basic choice is made. I remember making the choice myself and it was at a young age - grade school. I was teased and tormented a lot, because I looked different [very Celtic coloring, curly hair] and acted different [books, good grades, quietish] in a neighborhood where the 'accepted' look was far from mine and caring about school marked you for life.

I remember thinking to myself how much it hurt me to be treated as I was treated.

I remember thinking to myself that I would never want to cause that kind of pain to anyone else on such shallow pretexts - although I didn't use 'shallow pretexts' at age 6; it was more like 'about things like this that don't really matter as much as what kind of person you are'.

I remember deciding that I just wouldn't.

I also remember, unfortunately, all the subsequent teasing and tormenting, the using and the abusing, the exploitation and entrapment and other good things down the ensuing years, the things that finally instilled in me enough rage and bitterness and sense of futility and waste, that I did begin, in fact, to strike back.

It took a LOOOOONG time, though, for that to happen. And I'm never proud of it when it does.

I'm trying to learn to strike a balance now. To confront without fear, and to accept that sometimes that is going to be futile. That sometimes I'm going to be wrong in my decision to confront, that it may be driven by my own personal tastes more than by the real merits of the situation.

So much to learn...

But I do believe, in every life, on some level, if we are ever aware, that choice confronts us and must be made.

I wonder what I would be like, what my life would have been like, if I had chosen the other way.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

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http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

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mountainspring

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Re: What Made 'em That Way?
« Reply #29 on: June 13, 2006, 09:58:18 AM »
(((Storm))))

...And bookish little girl stayed true to herself and continued to learn and eventually became a Phd chemist.  But she never forgot how much the abuse hurt. In determination to find the answers, she also read and studied about the dynamics of abuse. And as she learned she made sure she didn't keep it to herself, she educated others... like us... that she would never see or meet... on topics like Karpman and Triangulation, so they could begin to understand and heal too.  I'm grateful you are part of this board.