Hi MS,
I don't think feeling "unhooked" about my Mom was an achievement on my part, as much as a result of time and exposure. I've been living with her and caring for her for 8 years. For most of that time, it was a battle. She charged me rent (while I'm fetching trays and trimming her toenails) and made clear she felt entitled to my care since that's "just what daughters do", and meanwhile dangled our home in front of my nose...kept mentioning how I'd have to "buy out my brother's half" in order to stay. After several years of this, my resentment grew (my brother just visits once or twice a year, but he's the Pope). Eventually, I told her it wasn't fair (urged her to leave me just the empty building, and him all the contents to auction--it's not 50/50, but it's fair)...and she finally decided she agreed with me. Another moment was that a while ago I blew my stack when she once again "punished" me by manipulating him (got him to leap in the car on his way to "the rescue" when the real issue was that she didn't want me to go out, and I took care of her, made sure she was safe, and went out anyway). He was an abusive bully to me throughout my childhood, and she never protected me. So.....when I blew up, I let her have it. Told her I was his victim, and how dare she (top of my lungs) call him in like the cavalry after all I'd been doing, blah, blah. Then I told her it no longer mattered to me about the house, it was all a mistake, and if she didn't turn him around right now, I was leaving. I had never raged at her like that before, and it stopped her. She turned him around, and they both backed off.
Ever since, she's been more appreciative and cooperative. She doesn't fight me any more, and she expresses appreciation. And we are peaceful in the house. I actually feel more love for her, and she is kinder to me. There is a part of her that does love me--as much as she is able to-- and in that, I'm lucky. I know it's been mostly twisted, but as she comes down to the wire (she's 95), I see her being sort of becoming emotionally simpler. Less manipulative, and I do see some genuine concern for my wellbeing. I don't think I would ever have believed that was real, though, unless I'd been living with her for so long now that the subtle changes are detectable. (She's done things recently like say, thank you for being so patient about repeating things because of my hearing, you've never made me feel badly about that. Thank you for taking such good care of me. Thank you for this, and that...) I always tell her you're welcome, and now I can mean it. Resentment's gone.
She's in the grace period of her life, now, so I'm committed to dealing with her with as much grace as I can summon. That one blowup was terrible (guilt) but cleansing, and it released a lifetime's hurt and anger. So...I don't feel angry any more. She may have been the dominant N for all my life, but now she's a frail old woman. Her dependency has made her gentler.
Along with all that...for my own sake, I've forgiven her what she couldn't help. I believe an N's manipulations are as instinctive as breathing. And maybe now that she knows she found my limit, she won't test it again. (My daughter still gets very indignant about the way my mother is, and it causes her turmoil. I just commiserate, but I don't join her in it.)
In the last year and a half my mother's had a cancerous breast removed and had bowel surgery, after which she had to be in a nursing home for almost a month of arduous PT. Her endurance and life force are amazing. I have to admire that side of her.
(And if I forgot to, she'd remind me of her latest compliments!)
Hops