It's been a long while since I've been here - trauma so I'm back

[Kelly as guest]

Hello Everyone!!  It has been so long since I have been here.  Maybe I am getting better so I haven't had to log on and vent.  But it is time again.  I have been lying in bed crying and so/.........................some of you may remember that I have worked with my Nmom for 12 years.  We had a major blow up about six years ago and it really helped..........even though she would diagnose me as unstable, etc.  I realize that without the major blow up I would be dying of cancer or something major like that - my doctor said I NEEDED to get it out or it would literally eat me alive!!

Anyway, so our business which hasn't made a penny for ten years is finally making a profit.  We hired a gal who is great at budgets and accounting and she has single handedly turned the business around.  So at the first of the year we hired my aunt who had been fired from the job that she took over for my Nmom when she retired.  When they let her go she came to us immediately and didn't even try for another job.  We all had real high hopes for her!!1

Then out of the blue, she and my Nmom suddenly think our bookkeeper is too big for her britches.  I, on the otherhand have told both of those women that we need to give credit where credit is due!!  All of a sudden I realize that my aunt is basically worming her way into the family business and is coming and going as she pleases just like my mother and I do (we are co-owners.............)  but if I start to put her in her place my Nmom defends her and progressively is more defensive towards the bookkeeper who has turned out business around.  Well, I told my aunt that if she and my mom ran this gal out of her I hereby REFUSE to do the bookkeeping!!!!  I am so furious I don't know what to do.  I do not want anything to do with my mom and I don't want anything to do with my aunt!!  But you have to understand that I always thought that my aunt was some poor abused girl who had to live under my mom's shadow (and she has) but now I realize she is almost as egotistical as my mom!!

I am beside myself with grief and anger!!

I found a new book from a Christian perspective and it is called "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me!"  by Les Carter.  He doesn't shove the Christianity down your throat and I am going to give it to my bookkeeper to read!!  I suggest it to all of you, too!!

Help!!  Kelly  (hey bunny and flower and all the rest of you that I haven't talked to in months!!)

[Hopalong]

Hi Kelly,
Just support...as you don't know me, but I'm here.

It sounds so good that you see so clearly.

I hope you can defend both the bookkeeper and your interest in the business successfully.

Almost sounds to me like it's time for an ultimatum to your mom, but only if you're ready for that.

Best of luck with this trying situation...I know others will chime in with more solid help.

Hops

[Overcomer]

I remembered my sign in!!!  Thanks Hops for the immediate response!!!!!  I just have always had a great relationship with my aunt!!  We have kind of talked about my Nmom and all of her controlling ways.  But the minute Aunt came into the office she started kissing my Nmom's butt and the bookkeeper as said to me that my aunt "knows who is buttering her bread!!"  So the bookkeeper really kind of blew it because when my Nmom and me were on vacation and my aunt was there alone with the bookkeeper, the bookkeeper was rude to aunt.  She should have never done that because she doesn't understand the whole dynamic going on in my family.  I told her she didn't realize that she worked for a N and that my aunt is exibiting some of the very same behaviors!!!  My aunt immediate went to my Nmom and "tattled" on the bookkeeper!!  The bookkeeper and I have been making decisions for a very long time behind my mom's back - we know that without her we can run a better business.  Now my aunt is getting in the way!!!  I am just so scared and want to run again!!  I cannot believe that I have to deal with more dramatics after we had such a major upheaval a few years ago - everything had settled down.  My mom called me today and I just won't answer the phone - I just am so done with her and her "stuff!!"

[Portia]

Hi Kelly and good to see you again!

Well from good, supportive Aunt to demon Aunt in one move eh? I’m so sorry. Seems she was only listening and supporting you for her own needs, maybe. Which is sad but: you’ve survived thus far and without you and the new book-keeper, where would the business be?

I could see an ultimatum – if the book-keeper goes, then so do I.

Who’d run the shop? What does Aunt contribute to this business? Could she manage without the two of you?

What a messy situation. What exactly are the positions here: is your Aunt in charge of you and the other woman? Does she have final says on things?

And how are you otherwise?

[lightofheart]

Hi Kelly,

I'm miles out of my depth here, no head for business/money, etc. Sound like this is more about family dynamics than business, though?

Might it be helpful if there was a good way to bring you Mom back around to the positive business aspect of things vs. the emotional? Hate to say it, especially if you've been close to your aunt, but I hear some possible divide and conquer stuff going on here?

For example, could you run a report of the business' in the red numbers before the bookkeeper came on and in the black numbers after? And gently remind Mom that it may be worth keeping those cold hard financial facts in mind during her dealings with the bookeeper?

Just a thought. Hope you're taking good care.

LoH

[Overcomer]

OK, I appreciate all the input.  It's like this..................some of you might remember that my mother is loaded.  We have run the business with smoke and mirrors for 10 years.  We need cash flow, my mom puts the money into the business.

My aunt was hired to be on the management team.  The bookkeeper and one other gal and my aunt are on the team.  I am above them and my mom is above me.  Mom is getting forgetful and forgets that we put bookkeeper in charge of the back room team.  Now my aunt is in charge of Human Resources so both my mom and my aunt are saying how that means that aunt is in charge of ALL personnel.  Well, she doesn't have a clue!!  Plus she just started on January 1 and has already taken a week off and is taking another week off in July.  So two weeks off in the first seven months.

People go to the bookkeeper because she is there all the time.  Meanwhile my mom and aunt are off to some kind of training every month or so.  My aunt hasn't "earned" the respect of the people but "demands" it because of her position.

So here is the dynamics in a nutshell.  My family is always yelling about getting respect.  My old grandma and her husband would throw fits because of the lack of respect the younger generation showed them.  But they would have temper tantrums and no one would show them respect!!  So now my aunt is doing the same thing.....................they owe her respect because of the position - not for what she does for the business.  Bookkeeper, on the other hand, has earned it!!!!

So bookkeeper and I have had a conversation and we are both backing off.  Bookkeeper says she'll just sit at her desk and do accounting and my aunt and mom can make all the decisions.  I think I'll play the same game.  I'll say things like "Aunt and Mom want to be in charge - let them!!  Go see them with your problems!!"  Funny thing is when they have questions they cannot answer they will come to me!!  (and believe me, that's most of the questions......................)  Both of them have come from a business where everyone below them were independent contractors.........they worked out of their homes.  So now they know all the "theory" of running a business but don't have a clue about the nuts and bolts.

My mom will be able to see that I am disconnected.  I am so done with her.  I will just silently do my job.  Not say a word at the meetings.  Let them think they are running things................

But by the way, I really cannot stand my Nmom and my aunt is irritating me..................it's not that I hate her (yet) but I am just watching shaking my head realizing that she is just kissing my mom's butt to take over the business and have security and be able to come and go as she pleases!!  It makes me sick.  You wait, within a year my aunt will be making some serious money!!  My mom will give her the raise not based on what she brings to the business but because she needs to take care of the poor little thing!!!

[adrift]

FAmily and business, that's a tough combination.  Sounds like your aunt is really worming her way in to the monetary security and is only looking out for herself.  Not that it's any of my/our business, but I hope that for the future your mom has everything lined up in a will and that you know what that is so you'll know where you stand.  Sounds like if the will isn't airtight, your aunt may become even more of a problem in the future. 

My mom wasn't loaded, but my parents had a nice amount saved up and I kissed butt for many, many years in order to be able to inherit their $ when they passed.  I am an only child, but if I had ever made them really mad, they probably would have done something else with their money. And it wasn't easy to keep my mouth shut for all those years, but I'm glad now that I did.  And not only because of the money, also because I don't have too to many regrets lingering because of what I said and did.  Course nothing I ever did was good enough for my dad, but that's almost besides the point.

I wish you luck.  Keep on coming here to vent. 

Adrift

[Overcomer]

Adrift:  I am glad you said that.  In the past people have told me that I need to cut ties with Nmom regardless of the money.  Something inside of me just makes me endure all the BS because I know in the end I will inherit some money.  Now, my brother is sure that my aunt is doing everything in her power to weasel her way into getting some of the "stuff."  A cabin in the mountains is the highest prize that my aunt is positioning herself for.  That is more important to everyone than the money is because it has been in the family for 65 years and we all have spent a good deal of our lives enjoying it every summer!!  My mom bought it from grandparents so aunt grew up there, too.  It is a very messy thing!!

As far as the business goes, it really isn't worth anything right now.  It is a high volume business but is in debt up to our ears.  So the only thing my aunt is positioning herself for is a nice paycheck since she has no retirement saved up.  She actually said to me that when her husband's parents die, they will retire...........a bit like vultures.  But then again, aren't I if I put up with the stuff in order to get money later???  Actually she probably looks at me and thinks I am a spoiled brat.  I get a good paycheck and chose not to go in today because both teenagers were tied up and I got to stay home with my 11 year old.  I wish I could do that everyday.  My heart is at home, not at work.........................

So the comment about "nothing I ever did was good enough for my dad"  YES!!  That is exactly it.  Nothing I can do will ever be enough.  I'm telling you that "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me" is such a good book.  It identifies the behaviors in the first half and then helps you to deal with the Ns in the second half.  It gave me great pleasure to give it to the bookkeeper to read!!  She doesn't really have to stay and deal with Nmom but she might if she realizes that she'll never get a "atta girl" but she'll be paid well and be able to come and go as she pleases.  (That was the best benefit we gave her - she comes in early....leaves early.......gets her 40 hours in but does it on her time sort a speak!!!)

I am realizing that my dad, my brother and myself are the only people my mom never defends......it's everyone else!!  But that is another story and enough to get me going off the deep end!!!!

[adrift]

I don't think you're acting like a vulture.  Usually parents leave the lion's share of their wealth to their children and for those of us with difficult parents, we just have to work harder jumping through the hoops to ensure we get that inheritance.  There were many times I wanted to scream, tell my mom how crazy she was acting, etc.... but by the time I really got to the point to do that, I already had so many years invested that I didn't see the sense in "blowing it".  Besides, nothing I could have said or done would have helped or changed my mom.  The few times I kinda stood up to her, we didn't speak for a while and then later she acted like everything was fine.  Her reality and my reality were very dissimilar and she didn't have the ability to see my reality, so I played the dutiful daughter to get what I felt was rightfully mine. Actually, I can feel sorry for her now, now that I know way more about her past than she ever wanted me or my dad to know (he never knew).  I knew she had lots of skeletons because no one is as secretive and strange as she was unless they're hiding something.  What I discovered blew me away, and I'm sure I haven't found out about it all, but the trail is cold and records were kept years ago like they are today.  So now I can have peace and I got the money.  Fighting with her wouldn't have helped anything.  My choices were to either stay and struggle or walk far, far away.  I stayed and struggled and now I'm glad I did.

 I actually find comfort, now,  in the fact that she died (long struggle with cancer) without knowing how I felt about her because now that I know her past, I know she would never have understood where I was coming from if I had confronted her and she would have died with even more worry and sadness on her mind.  I've thought many times that God made me strong because my mom needed for me to be.  She could never have handled any other kind of child, she just didn't have it in her to nurture.  See, she had already lost three kids before me (one was put up for adoption when mom was young, one due to a miscarriage and another died due to hydrocephaly) and those situation combined with her childhood and things that happened before she met my dad, made her a nervous wreck and emotionally unstable and emotionally unavailable, not to mention downright mean on a regular basis.

As for my dad, well, in the Karpman triangle, he is the Persecutor and I was his Victim.  I was never good enough.  That has gnawed at me for so many years, (like maybe ALL MY LIFE)  and I've finally been able to let it go.  He was the last to die and he died letting me know he was disappointed in me, he even left that message on a cassette tape.  What he actually said on the tape was, "When your in-laws are old and you go to their house, don't walk in and say 'Is there anything I can do?' ".  Point being, that that was what I did at his house everyday after mom died and I wasn't very heartfelt in it, I really wasn't, but I had a lot of issues with my dad.  He had a lot of issues with me too but we never discussed any of it, it just simmered a long.  He left 4 cassettes with info about what to do with what, including his funeral which meant I had to listen to the first one the night of the day he died    (that's almost like abuse from the grave ) and with information.  Let me tell y'all, don't leave cassettes that your kids have to listen to immediately after your death, it's cruel.

Well, enough rambling.  Hang in there Kelly.  I know it's hard.

Adrift ( but close to land)

[gratitude28]

Oh adrift,
I can't believe your father left you cassettes with instructions... Wow, what a control freak. Maybe it made him feel that he had some control over his death??????
You are doing so well and making so much progress in becoming healthy and understanding what is good and right.
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Well, I wouldn't put it past my mom to have directives for me and my family after she dies.  I think my brother and I will get a good share of the inheritance but I also know mom doesn't trust us so she'll already divide out what she wants to give to our kids.  She'll also give some to her siblings.  I wouldn't put it past her to stick a knife in and turn it from the grave either.  Kind of "Mommy Dearest" sort of stuff.  But I guess I can probably control how much she sticks it to me by trying to be civil.  And then if she does stick it to me, I may write a book or something!!

But, the bad news is she is a control freak.  And she will do anything to control the situation.  Dead or alive.  I cannot allow myself to kiss her butt but I can try to be civil.

The best thing I can try to do is make my own business successful.  For these past twelve years I have truly endured a narcissistic, self absorbed, ego maniac.  I have noticed some alzheimers type symptoms from her so it has been interesting watching this women who thrives on being the center of attention lose her edge.  In June we went to a weekend business thing and they asked me to be on a panel.  I knew she loved that kind of thing so I suggested she be a part of it.  Well, she WAS nervous and sat me down and interviewed me on the topic at hand.  She took extensive notes and then I watched her squirm during the panel discussion.  It gave me some kind of perverse delight to watch her struggle.  Then at the end of the panel several people came up to her and congratulated her on a job well done.  Suddenly her posture grew about a foot and I swear a monster came out.  She has been walking around work talking like she knows it all.  Our bookkeeper told me I shouldn't do that again because it gives Nmom a false sense of her importance and how much she really knows!!!  It backfired on me!!

So I appreciate what you are saying adrift.  Again, so many people told me in a former discussion that the only way to be truly free is to get away and not look back.  I believe the best way for me is to learn how to not reacte to her stupidity.  The other day she asked me if everything was ok (it wasn't) but I told her in no uncertain terms that everything was just fine!!!!!!!  And today she said something like "sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and run away..................." (this after I told her I was tired of being the one who had to do all the computer stuff..............)  I didn't even blink an eye and then asked her another question as if she didn't say a sarcastic word to me!!  Touche Kelly!!  You did it!!

[gratitude28]

Good job Kelley!
It sounds like you are getting control. I know what you mean... I would write my mother real letters about my news before. If I told her about something good, she made it out to be that I achieved something becasue someone "liked me." If I talked about something I didn't want to do, she would say how she always LOVED doing the exact same thing. If I had an issue with my husband, she flew off the handle and was sure I was going to leave him. So, now I write letters the way that was suggested to me here on the board... Dear Mom, The weather's nice. We are fine. How are you." That's it. And I am learning (slowly) to gloss over the ridiculous remarks she makes. I still get the urge to react, but I have been good about avoiding the subjects and I feel almost clinical towards her. Honestly, when I started figuring this all out, I desperately wanted to set her off, just for the Hell of it. I still haven't done that, and I am asking for the serenity not to need/want to do that when I see her. I still have lurking anger, in spite of working hard to focus on good.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really hit a chord with me and allowed to me to dig into some thoughts I have been having.
Beth

[Hopalong]

Dear Beth,

Before I began to deliberately underreact (or react the way you would to be polite to a person you don't have any interest in) and to adopt the everything's fine and oh my, there's weather outside where the weather is...attitude, I had rageful thoughts toward NMom that scalded me inside.

Hops

[adrift]

Oh adrift,
I can't believe your father left you cassettes with instructions... Wow, what a control freak. Maybe it made him feel that he had some control over his death??????
You are doing so well and making so much progress in becoming healthy and understanding what is good and right.
Love, Beth

Yes, he was a control freak.  He left a few written instructions too, but also left it that in order for me to know all he wanted done, I had to listen to the tape.

One time he was having a really bad breathing spell (and probably some angina too, he'd already had 2 heart surgeries prior to this) and needed to go to the ER.  The VA hospital was an hour away and that's where he wanted to go because it was free.  He left his house on the way to the hospital (READ: He shouldn't have been driving himself) and I ran him down about a block or two away and he pulled over and I told him to move over and let me drive.  He was really struggling to breath.  He wouldn't do it!! He said for me to get in and ride with him!! I told him to MOVE OVER  and let me drive him and again he refused and was getting really mad with me and the whole time was struggling to breath and I told him I would not ride with him, that it was not safe.  In my mind I was deciding that my 3 kids and DH were more important obligations and that I wasn't going to chance dying while riding with him if he should pass out while driving.  So I let him go on alone, although he gave me those "looks".  I had to, I had other obligations that were higher than him and his ego.  He made it to the ER, but when he walked in they grapped him and sent him back, took his oxygen saturation reading and it was 65!!!  For those of you who don't know, a normal oxygen saturation is anywhere from 95-100. The nurses chewed his butt out for driving in like that and he never did it again.  I think it scared him good.

[gratitude28]

adrift GOOD FOR YOU.

You know, I was so sick for such a long time, that I would allow myself to be in harm's way rather than risk "hurting someone's feelings." I won't even go into all the details here, but I can tell you it's one thing I work on with my kids... teaching them to respect themselves and not to ever put themselves in harm's way. No one is that important. Especially if doing something so horrible frivolous.

Love, Beth