It's been a long while since I've been here - trauma so I'm back

[Gaining Strength]

Kell - She does not get it! 

Do you get it yet?  You are so close!!!  Stop beating your head against the wall!!!!

{This is pot (GS) calling the kettle (Kell) black.  OR It takes one to know one - from head banger (GS)}

[Overcomer]

Yes, Kettle, I get it!!!   But I do have my setbacks.  Like I said this weekend, I started to back peddle.  Then I read some of your posts and I realized SHE DOES NOT GET IT!!  AND SHE WILL NEVER GET IT!!  AND IF I KEEP TRYING TO CONVINCE HER OF THE WAY IS SEE IT, I WILL JUST BE BRAINDEAD FROM ALL THE HEADBANGING!!  aND IT IS NOT EVEN ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!

But I truly expect my mom to do something.  One time after my divorce, I was making $24,000 per year at our business.  This was not enough to get by so my mom would supplement the income but wanted to know what every penny was for.  So I went to Real Estate school and told her I needed to make more money and I refused to continue to have to tell her what every penny was for......................she doubled my salary and said it was because my XNH and I used to make that much and since the business was bought to support my family, she might as well pay me double!!!!

So we will see!!  But I do not want her to do something like this to manipulate me into staying!!  I'll let you all know and you can knock me into my senses!!!  More head banging cannot hurt at this point in my life!

[Overcomer]

I mean, "Yes Pot!!!"  Love, Kettle

[Gaining Strength]

I do soooo hope you get that job.  The $ dangling is so unbearably powerful and controlling - especially by a parent. - Pot

[kell as guest]

I know.  But is the other company going to ever offer me that job?  I have another interview with a new company on Thursday. 

[axa]

Kell,

Reading your post remeinded me of all the time I wasted trying to get XN to HEAR what I was saying.  Deeply regret all that wasted time.

Ok, here goes.  Since you and I know she is not going to hear you why are you bothering to tell her?

She cannot manipulate you with money unless you allow it.

Seems  to me, no more than myself, you hooked into the N games and manipulation and they are going to continue until you step outside the playing field.  I know how difficult it is to be around your NMOM and set boundaries but I think you need bullet proof glass boundaries, so that you can see the games but stay safe.


axa

[kell as guest]

Problem is she is my mom and my goal is to set boundaries and still have an ok personal relationship with her.  But if I am nice to her she forgets there is a problem.  I choose not to fight all the time so I can live in peace.  It takes a confrontation for her to remember there is a problem.  This whole thing is taking so long that I feel I am spinning my wheels.  It also allows mom to come up with tactics to manipulate me .  She is a master of guilt and shame and she uses my youngest daughter

[Hopalong]

Kell, that's wonderful that you have another interview.

EXACTLY what to do when you're in limbo.

Your determination and focus on changing this situation ARE going to result in a new job.

I am positive.
Said the Oracle.

hugs,
Hops

[Dazed1]

Hi Kell,

I posted about a book I'm reading: The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson.

I think this book could really help you keep your boundaries, while still having a relationship with your Mom.

Kell, I consider myself your friend and as your friend, I ask you to please get this book and read it.  I think it will help you so much to manage your relationship with your mom.

Love,
dazed

[Overcomer]

Wow!!  Is there an excerpt on the web???  I am going to Google it.  I have told my mom on numerous occasions that I would rather have a good relationship with her then hurting it forever by staying in the job.  Isn't it amazing that this women would rather risk my hating her than to let me go without a fight???  I also told her that I didn't want to resent my aunt as well.......I have always had a great relationship with my aunt until she went to work for us.  Now I just get irritated by her.  I was thinking about asking my mom what in the world did her parents do to them?  Why, oh, why would they act the way they do?  But as a N she cannot see that she has problems.  That is why she said "I thought you were going to continue therapy so you could get over this thing with working with me.........."  Stupid.  So now I just need to be the great person I am when I talk with these managers and not let my impatience show through.  I am afraid I will say something like "Do you really think it is smart to not fill this position for so long???????"  Idiots!!  I won't................but that is how I feel right now.  I have never been through a three month process before!!!

[Overcomer]

OK, I just went to Amazon and ordered two books - Trapped In the Mirror AND Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists........I am looking forward to reading them both.  Problem is I kind of get off on reading things that prove to myself that my mom is an N.  And that is stupid because I already know she is an N.  But sometimes I backslide and get back in old ruts.  I, too, forget about the conflicts when we are getting along.  But I won't.  She either leaves or I leave.  So I will read these books to make sure I am resolved to get out - then GET OUT!!!

I truly think in the long run she will get over it.  It is just the fear of trying to run the place without me (who knows it all............)

[Overcomer]

So today was a mental health day.  Kids didn't have school due to inclement weather.  Thanks for all the posts and all the support......I feel I have made some real progress on a Tuesday afternoon!!!!!

[kel]

So my mom just called and said the potential buyer wants to invest money in the business but we run it.  She said she would back off and I could run it but he would have a say.  I do not think I can trust her.  Any thoughts?

[Hopalong]

My thought is stick to your personal plan of getting out, Kell.

Unless it's all spelled out legally and you're SURE she'll back off.

Has she ever offered to before, or is this new?

Hops

[Dazed1]

Kell,

I agree with Hops.

How will you personally benefit by this new investor?  Will you make a bigger salary?  Will you be guaranteed a salary and if so, for how long?

Actually, things could be worse with an outside investor because then you'd have to answer to N mom, plus the investor.

I don't see how this investor benefits you.

Any possibility of you buying your mother out on a long term installment basis?  ie:  over 10 years, you will pay her (using cash generated by the store's profits)  X amount of money every year?

An out right sale of the store could cause your mom to pay sizable capital gains on the lump sum profit of the sale (assuming there's a profit on the sale), whereas an installment sale could save her tax because she'd pay the tax in installments.

Can you convince your mom to retire to Arizona, florida (where ever) and have her sell you the store?  She probably won't go for this idea, because she never wants to retire, right?

Just thinking.

dazed