San Antonio's pretty.
I'm thinking about moving to Austin- it is hard for an Englishwoman in TX, the people here are that horrid Deep South mix of excessive friendliness and insincerity which is about the opposite of English behaviour ( unfriendly but more genuine )
I used to be embarrassed about being an alcoholic. I am sure many cringe on the board when I talk about it.I don't think so, I hadn't really noticed you mention it much!
And I do think it's part of recovery-honesty- so that you don't slip back, it's so easy to go from not telling other people to telling yourself 'oh it's ok' etc.
If I have a couple of good years I 'forget' I am bipolar or start thinking I am 'cured' and let all the 'triggers' creep back.
'I was quite bonkers for a while'Have you been talking to my ex?
most times the old bipolar revelation does come back to roost and bite you on the arse!!!! it does, because it makes people feel superior somehow, so later if there's a problem I find someone is more willing to assume they are ok or right or that it's just me and my problems.
I think this is where my habit of being nice no matter what comes from: I feel I don't have the luxury of getting angry or misbehaving like other people!
The worst experience of my life was joining a church community, ironically after years of not wanting to accept spiritual issues because my last experience of being in a church had not been positive either; some horrible things happened to me there but I felt they really weren't taken seriously because I had been ill and it was easier to attribute problems to my bipolar than to address them.
I was talking to a close friend who is bipolar earlier, she had a similar experience with an animal rescue, and years later she says she can still feel incredibly sad or hurt or angry about her experiences there: which is another problem with the bipolar, the feelings are intense, and even when I tell myself, this is the illness or it's an over reaction etc, it doesn't help to dissipate them or reduce them.
Take this week. You know I have been having problems finding a decent doctor. I asked a doctor friend to bridge the gap for me, she told me this week she really doesn't want to be my doctor, just my friend.
Now a normal person would recognise- I am putting her in an ambivalent place, she's not writing me off or rejecting me etc. I felt really hurt, because she didn't realise how that would come across to me, that I don't handle anything rejection-like well and she just plonked it in the middle of an email about other stuff, plus I am really overwhelmed about this issue right now.
Again- because I have bipolar I can't just think 'oh my doctor behaved unprofessionally and I don't want to see her' it's more like 'is this me? WHat do I do wrong that these things keep happening...'
You know that Disney Toy STory movie, the Randy Newman song 'STrange Things are happening to me...' ( I'll post the words below, quite funny really )
Bipolar attracts people- the energy and creativity does, well before anyone knows what causes it; plus people are curious about what it's like to be Virginia Woolf or whatever...but most people are pretty judgemental about mental illness, myself included:
The dope-smoking bipolar guy whose parents live in my street is back again after 2 suicide attempts, he and I were chatting and he still doesn't see that using cannabis is making his problems worse not better, even though he says 'I've been in hospital twice' since he gave up his medication and he can't seem to hold down any employment or source of stability because he's getting wrecked all the time...
' the weed helps me cope'.
I can look at him and feel quite smug if I care to that even in my worst times I have continued to work and write and parent and pay bills etc. and I don't respond with angry outbursts etc.
But because I have been to places where most people don't go I can't be smug any more: it's
there but for the grace of G_d go I THANK YOU ALL for the support and input.
I have been struggling for days to move through this, and not sure if I could ask for help.
I was on top of the world
it was right in my pocket
I was living the life
things were just the way they should be
When from out of the sky like a bomb comes some little punk in a rocket
now all of a sudden some strange things are happening to me
I had friends,
I had lots of friends
Now all my friends are gone
And I'm doing the best I can to carry on
I had power (power)
I was respected (respect)
But not any more
And I've lost the love to the one whom I adored
Let me tell you about the strange things are happening to me
Strange things
Strange things are happening to me...
Ain't no doubt about it
You got someone you think you know well
It turns out a stranger
The minute you turn your back
You're in it all by yourself
They laugh at your jokes,
You think you're doing well
But you're in danger, boy
You end up alone, forgotten, way up on the shelf
Strange things are happening to me
Strange things
Strange things are happening to me
Ain't no doubt about it
Strange things are happening to me
Strange things
Strange things are happening to me
Strange things
Strange things
