nmom has a brain tumor

[sheenie2000]

Hi everyone, I'm new on this board. My mom today is in the hospital and has a golf sized brain tumor. She was diagnosed w/ breast cancer a few years back then it spread to the lungs, now she has a brain tumor. I feel terrible saying this but after putting up w/ so many years of abuse and taking care of her. I'm just sick of it. I cant take it anymore. My mom lives in TX and I live on the east coast. I'm just not sure what to do. I really dont want to see her or go to her cuz she hasnt changed and will continue to abuse me. But I feel bad, it's not teh "right" thing to do. The right thing is to go there and be there and help. But she might need radiation treatment and has to go daily to the dr for 5-7 weeks. I cant do that. The car rides are the worst part w/ her. Its where she is most evil. I'm bound and stuck inside a vehicle w/ her. It gives me chills thinking about it. I
When she had breast cancer, I took her to the drs, worked, was in school, had a 19 hour day, would only sleep 4 hours, and all she would do is scream and yell at me. It was one of the worst times in my entire life. I just cant go thru that again w/ her. Anyone else hands down I would take them to the dr whenever they need to but her I just cant. This past year she was taking herself for chemo and radiation but the side effects werent that bad, some sluggishness but thats it. What I'm reading about brain tumors and radiation treatment it says, vision loss, loss of motor skills, so i dont think it would be safe for her to drive. She'd be a danger to other drivers. Sigh i dont know what to do

[Hopalong]

Hi Sheenie,
Welcome, and I'm very sorry it's under such sad circumstances. Do you have any siblings? Other relatives?

Whether you do or not, from the sound of it this is something you cannot do. It sounds as though it would seriously cost your health.

This is the cycle of life. I know how many times and ways so many of us (particularly Nkids) sacrifice TOO MUCH to our N-elders. Or even non-N-elders. Compassion and basic responsibility, to the limit of what is possible and reasonable for an individual, is appropriate, imho. But literally sacrificing our own physical and mental health to ease the last chapter of an abuser makes no sense to me.

You have done a mighty round of service to her already, and you do not have another round of it in you. Nature demands that you, the next generation, survive. This is a hard truth at times, but I have come to believe it.

Practicality-wise, I would contact Hospice or the Senior Association (whatever it's called) in her area and explain who she is, where she is, and what she needs. And make clear from your first contact that unfortunately, you will not be able to be in her town to see to her needs.

There are agencies and organizations that exist to support elders at the end of life. It doesn't matter whether they know your personal story or whether they approve of your level of participation. You can communicate with them as a responsible adult child (by your own judgment, no one else's), and when they ask, are you coming to take care of things, you can simply say: No, I am afraid that's not possible.

This is a good place for support while you negotitate the distance and space you need in this chapter. I hope you'll keep posting.

Best,
Hopalong

[Jona22]

Hi Sheenie,

You have come to a good place for support.  Welcome.

I went through this with my mother five years ago.  Unfortunately, I lived too close and had to handle a lot of things myself.  I hired people to do what I couldn't or wouldn't.  I suffered a lot of abuse from my mother during this time.  I know what you mean about being stuck in a car with an abusive mother.  It happened to me many times.

You live quite a distance away.  Too far away to be able to do much.  And considering the circumstances I don't think you should.  Hops is right.  If there are no other relatives living near your mother, there are agencies including hospice who can help.  Texas has to have some kind of elder care agency.  Hospice won't do anything until a doctor certifies that your mother has less than six months to live.

Now, the big thing you will have to deal with is the guilt.  My advice is just don't let guilt take a foothold in your thoughts.  Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and your mental health.  Be careful who you try to talk to about this.  People often just don't understand and they might try to put a guilt trip on you.  Don't let this happen.

Keep posting because I think we can help you get through this.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Sheenie,

I'm sorry about the situation with your mom, but very glad that you're here among us.

I understand the desire to do "the right thing", as that was a strong motivation to me for many years in dealing with difficult, hurtful people. The question is, whose idea of what is "right" should be followed? I'm no longer convinced that my impressions of what was "the right thing" in a given situation were always accurate.  Now it seems to me that it's the attitude of theheart that is of the utmost importance, regardless of anyone else's opinion of the actions I might choose to take (or not to take). In other words, if your heart attitude is right when you make a decision, you will have longterm peace with the outcome regardless of any circumstances.
Another thing is.... as a Christian, I used to think that when a choice needed to be made, God's will was for me to do the most difficult thing ~ the most dangerous, the most painful, the thing that I really reallllly didn't think I could bear. Well, imo, that is hogwash. My views changed when I recognized God's goodness and mercy and saw that He is not a bit like many of the people who claim to represent Him.  But that's another story.... or maybe it isn't. I don't know what you should do in this case with your mom, Sheenie, but I can tell you this... my mother has never screamed at me, except maybe by her silence... yet I'd have quite the inner struggle in deciding whether to travel cross country to care for her. Actually, I'd have quite a struggle deciding whether to drive around the block. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation and sometimes only God knows what is the "right" thing to do.

With love,
Hope

[pennyplant]

Dear Sheenie,

Caring for a dying parent is difficult even under better circumstances than yours--adding narcissism to it makes it so much worse.

I hope that you will remember that you have already gone above and beyond the call of duty during her last serious illness.  You gave everything you had in you at that time and it was enough.  In fact, you should feel proud of that accomplishment.  It had to be one of the toughest things you have ever done.

The others are right.  There are agencies who can help her.  There are groups who have volunteers to drive patients to their treatments.  Home nurses can come in to help.  Once she can't take care of herself at home, she can enter a nursing home if hospice doesn't work out.

I don't know if it will help with the guilt or not--but she really has done this to herself.  She treated you terribly and ungratefully and abusively before and there is no reason to think it won't happen the same way again.  You have value and do not deserve that treatment.  Nobody does.  She is reaping what she sowed.  It is sad.  But it shouldn't mean that you must destroy your life as well.

Sheenie, just do the best you can.  It is good enough.  You are a good person and your mother is incapable of seeing that.

Love, Pennyplant

[sheenie2000]

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for your responses. They were extremely helpful. I hadnt thought of hospices and volunteers who drive others to dr appts.
You know I always thought that I was supposed to do anything and everything for my mother bc she was my mother. I thought that's what God wanted from me, but I realized God is loving. He wants me to love him first then myself too. He wants me to take care of myself also. I'm glad I realized that too.
I have an older brother. My mom actually lives w/ him. But I feel guilty leaving everything on him. But the thing is he does it to himself. He's still in denial stage and if she says jump he says how high. I'm wayyyy beyond that. I see his health and well being in grave danger. He's miserable. But he's 37 (11 years older than I am) he needs to wake up. It just really bothers me cuz I know he'll resent me for "not caring." But we've handled the situations very differently. I have refused to succumb to my mother and become codependent like he has. He still waits for her acceptance and approval. I've realized I'll never get that from her. It hurts but I have realized it.
I still have this hatred for my mother. I just cant seem to let go of it. Everyone says it's harder to hate than to love. But for me the alternative to hate is sadness and grief. I'd rather be angry than being sad. And not sad bc of her condition but sad that I never had a loving, nurturing mother.

I think I'm going to go visit her, stay in TX for a week or so. Then leave. Visiting her is as much as I can do and I think that would be what God would want from me and knows it's as much as I can handle. I'd rather ignore the whole situation and avoid it, that's my first instinct, but I dont wnat to be an avoider. I have done that a lot in life. Better to face up to it, or else I might regret it.
Thanks everyone for listening.

[adrift]

Sheenie,

   So sorry you're in this position.  It's very like one I went through years ago.  When my mom became ill with cancer she mellowed somewhat, but my Dad became more hostile than ever.  He expected me to fill all the needs (this from a man who'd had almost nothing to do with me most of my life) and never was appreciative of anything I did do.  Thank God I had an aunt who lived close by who helped out tremendously or I don't know how I would have survived, physically or emotionally.  Mom was sick with cancer for two years and went through multiple treatments, it was pretty awful.  But at the time I hated my parents so much I didn't care what they were going through and the things I did do for them I did totally because "it was the right thing to do".  I had a facade that I developed as a child that I used when with my parents, it was the dutiful, respectful, child facade, but there wasn't any love in it---there was lots of rage and hatred that came out as a coldness but the real rage never came out, it wouldn't have been acceptable.  I just played the part, begrudgingly,  until they died.  It was hard, it was horrible and all the years of putting up with their abuse and stuffing my emotions nearly destroyed me.   I admire you that you've been able to separate yourself from your mom to some degree and have found some measure of self-worth and independence. 

   I can't tell you what to do in regards to caring for her.  Your plan of going for a short amount of time sounds good.  Yes, your brother will blame you for not helping out more but then would you ever really be able to do enough to satisfy your mom or your brother?? Only you know the answer to that.  At what point does your own emotional survival come into play? 

   One thing to think about, is your own guilt that you will experience after your mom is gone.  Because that guilt will come, or at least it did for me.  I certainly wasn't expecting it, but it came and then I was glad for the things I did do, even though I did them for the wrong reasons.  Of course you've already nursed your mom through one episode and it sounds like you did quite a lot for her.  And if you're on the east coast and she's in Texas, then I'm not sure how you could really be there that much anyway.  You have a lot to think about, but it sounds like you have a good perspective on it all.

   I'm glad you've come here, to this forum.  I hope that you'll find some comfort and guildance here.

Adrift, with land in sight