Sorry this is soooo long.
Thus far I've avoided this subject because it's so complex I don't think I can get it across very well. DD1 (dear daughter #1) is our oldest child (19) and has been difficult since infancy, no kidding. You know how the docs tell you to put them in the crib and they'll eventually go to sleep???? Not her. Before the age of 1 she would stand in her crib and jerk back and forth on the sides and scream bloody murder for up to an hour. I'm talking about screaming until I was seriously worried she was gonna rupture something, really. Blood red face, crying and screaming so hard she'd be snubbing and couldn't breath. Then we tried the technique of going in every 10 minutes to reassure her, blah, blah, blah----nothing worked. At night I would rock her to sleep, and she would fight going to sleep, and then gently ease her into her crib and the second she was on the mattress she'd begin to scream and wouldn't stop until I rocked her again. Many, many sleepless nights (and yes, I'd get angry too). By the age of 3 I HAD to put her in a program for half days (even though I was staying home) because she was about to drive me over the edge. Non-stop temper tantrums, screaming, crying and only happy if everything in the universe was her way. By age 5 I had her at a psychiatrist and he agreed she was ADD and that she "had some problems" but before those could be investigated, my DH (dear hubby--also her dad) put a stop to it and said there wasn't anything wrong with her except she was spoiled. I was raised "spare the rod and spoil the child" but spankings never phased her, she was definant no matter what. Time outs didn't work, sending her to her room only resulted in her trashing her room and escalating her anger. Reasoning, bribing,,,,,nothing worked. She's ALWAYS had to have the last word, even when she was very young. Getting her to stop her verbal barage has always been a battle. It's not like she wasn't allowed to express herself or blow off a little steam, but we're talking ranting, raving, screaming non-stop barages over minor things, such as her sister went into her room again. Finally, around the age of 10, I resorted to telling her she was gonna GET a lick (with a belt) for every word. Now I wouldn't say this until she'd ranted for what should have been enough time and HAD FULLY expressed her displeasure. Occassionally this would shut her up, but often she'd just keep on ranting while I counted the words and then even while I was spanking her she'd be screaming at me at the top of her lungs, "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU"...........
By the time she turned 15, she was going places with her friends and woe on me if I told her no. She would throw a fit, accuse me of being unfair, yell that all the other kids got to have a life and do this and that but that she wasn't allowed to do anything. When we made her do chores (not many, but help with setting and clearing the table, help with laundry, watch her younger brother and sister while I did chores) all we heard nonstop was how unfair we were and that none of her other friends "were treated like slaves", blah, blah, blah...........All this while she was enjoying a private school education, cheerleading, had the option of playing any sports she wanted, got a car at 16-----she never wanted for anything but wasn't lavished with material good either. Yes, her best friend was a spoiled brat who WAS LAVISHED and who never had to lift her finger, but there were other kids she knew who had responsiblities but she only saw that her life was crap and unfair.
When she was 16 I was so worn down with 16 years of her tantrums and manipulating (she's a master manipulator and plays fast and loose with the truth) that I just began to give in more and more to her demands to go here and there and have this and that. For most of her life I felt her dad was too hard on her so I would intervene and basically left him out of the decision making with her because I felt he didn't understand her (I would now say this was a BIG MISTAKE!). Her friends and going places with her friends became the most important things in her life and I'll never forget one night when we had told her no, she couldn't go somewhere because we thought it was too late and not safe to be on the road and she screamed at us and said that she'd "rather die with her friends than be with us".
She moved out last August for college and our homelife has gotten so much more pleasant
She never comes home and every time she does, it's hell to pay. She didn't do well her first year of college (has a 2.0) and has ended up totally hating her one time best friend (I told her to not room with her friends but she wouldn't listen) So she lost her scholarships and now is working part time (she decided to stay in college town during the summer rather than come home because our home town "sucks" and she hates it here) in college town waiting for the next semester to begin. DH is paying through the nose for her to live away this summer, but he'd rather pay it than have her here. I feel the same way. Sometime after she moved out last August, I began to see her more clearly and realized that DH has been more right about her than I would allow myself to see and he now agrees that he should have let her go to that psychiatrist when she was young. Sometime around last September I cut myself out of any decision making in regards to DD1. She never had enough money and would confuse the facts until she had me convinced she was due more money and when DH would prove her wrong and I saw it myself on paper I knew then she had played me for a fool long enough and I turned it all over to DH---which she didn't/doesn't like at all. She can't manipulate him or fool him about anything.
Last night she came home to spend the night for the first time in months (college town is only about 45 minutes away) and the first time to visit in about 6 weeks and it ended up with screaming, yelling, crying (on her part) until about 3 a.m. Here's her main complaint and the one she's had for many, many years---she hates her sister. DD2 is 5 years younger and was very ill as an infant and was treated more delicately then, but DD1 believes DD2 is still treated more favorably and that simply isn't so. DD2 is a loving, caring, considerate child ---- the total opposite of DD1 basically. DD1 thinks DD2's behaviour is all about sucking up to us and pulling the wool over our eyes and that actually DD2 is mean and sneaky. Yes, there have been plenty of times DD2 has done little things to annoy DD1 (such as going into DD1's bedroom) but she hasn't done anything that she didn't learn from DD1. Actually, DD1 is the mean, sneaky one. There's been more than once that DD1 has physically hurt DD2 (pulling hair, twisting her wrists, hitting her her, pushing her down) and then threatened her if she told us. Sometimes I'd witness the behaviour and punish DD1 other times we'd only find out about all this much later. And of course when DD1 was confronted, she would go ballistic and scream it wasn't like that and that DD2 had deserved it and that we always take DD2's side, blah, blah, blah........
Last night, DD1 blew up at DD2 because, DD2 #1 asked DD1 when she started liking mushrooms on her pizza, (DD1 says she doesn't like to be quizzed constantly by DD2) , #2 DD2 made a joking remark that DD1 does lots of things we don't know about and then, #3, DD2 wanted to watch the bloopers on her movie and DD1 said in an ugly tone, "Why don't you go watch it in your room" and something else I can't remember and when DD2 was about to cry, DD1 said, "Yeah, cry, cry, go ahead and cry" in a hatefu, l taunting manner. Then she went on to tell DD2 that she "wasn't normal" and that there was something wrong with her. Here I stepped in and calmly told DD1 that she wasn't the adult and that she didn't send DD2 to her room and that she wasn't allowed to talk to her like that. THEN poop hit the fan. About that time DH walked in from work and from 12am to 3 am the screaming, crying and etc....went on. (DD2 and DS were sent to bed before all hell broke lose, but they could hear every word) I only participated and stayed in the room until 1:30 am when she blew up at me in a horribly ugly manner because I didn't remember she had been home briefly one day last week (she was here about 2 hours to get some paper work) and as soon as DH reminded me about her trip home I said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot" and DD1 went ballistic and I went to bed. Up until a year ago I wouldn't have let DH be the one in charge of dealing with her and I would have tried to take her side as much as possible , but no more. I've had her on zoloft in the past, but she quit taking it. Then I got her on Cymbalta, but she quit taking it. I've begged her to go to counseling and got her set up with a therapist, but she wouldn't/won't go. I've catered to her in the past because I felt she has a problem and I was trying to help her...........
and she just used me. She doesn't care about anyone's feelings, although she says she does. She has no gratitude, although she says she does, she has NO RESPECT for us, although she says she does.
Her main complaint last night?? That DD2 has always been treated differently and that she hates her for that, that we don't see through DD2's evil ways, that when she, DD1, comes home we don't act excited enough and that the last time she was here I took a shower (I'd been working in the yard when she got here and was yucky) and that when she comes home I don't spend enough time with her and that she hates it that DD2 and I have gotten closer. ANd she hates her sister, hates her. She's even told DD2 before (I was there and heard it) that she wished she was dead (pretty mean to say to a child that nearly died and has a genetic disorder that has resulted in learning problems and glaucoma in both eyes) and has told her, and us, more than once that she hates us.
Our DS has Down Sydrome and DD1 loves him to death, so it isn't DD2's genetic differences that upset her. And no, DD2 doesn't look different or funny, she looks perfectly normal so it isn't an issue of embarassment for DD1.
DD1 was calm when she left this morning, just as she always is a few hours after a main episode like this. But nothing has changed, it never does. I don't know why I ever want her to come home, DD2 and I have to walk on eggshells and still she finds something to explode about.
As for drug usage, we secretly had her tested back in November (dr. is good friend of ours and he did a urine test under false pretences,
results did not go in her chart) and it tested positive for pot and I know she's smoked it since then although she says she's not doing it now. We've threatened to have a full panel drug test done, but from watching her eyes, weight and complexion, I don't think there's anything else going on with drugs. OH, and I got on her FACEBOOK account a few months ago and was appalled at her language and some of the things she said. In most of the postings, she had the worst language of anyone. DH and I confronted her about that and it wasn't pretty.
ANd it's not just us she can't get a long with. She's getting better at getting a long with her peers, but she has resentment towards most adults. To paint you a picture, DD1 doesn't dress like a ho, doesn't have any tatoos, only has ear lobes pierced-nothing else, doesn't wear lots of mak-up. (no offense to anyone with tatoos or multiple piercings--just giving some info here) isn't into gothic or heavy metal---she's basically looks like a good kid with leanings toward being conservative,,,, of course I don't see her that often so exactly how she does when she's not home I can't say.
Obviously she has never been able to self-soothe and has anger issues. I think she has trouble also with intimacy. Should I make us all go to family counseling??? At the rate this is going, we'll never be able to have a relationship with her because she has so much anger towards us and her sister. I know she'll hate going to counseling and knowing her she won't cooperate and it'll just be a waste of money.
AS for boyfriends, she's choosy but once she picks one they end up treating her like crap in no time and yet she hangs on and lets them mistreat her for
months , until she's such a basket case she's about out of her mind. She picks guys that make my emtional radar sound off, but I keep my mouth shut, unless she asks. She picks guys who play some of the same games with her that she plays with us---lying, manipulating, accusing, ................
If you've been able to read this far, I hope some of you have some insight. Anything at all would be appreciated.
Adrift
