it's not the only book I've read, but it's the most succinct in describing the way people move closer and back off as they encounter different emotions ( which she calls 'the switch' )
I have often attracted men who are interested in pursuit, but once they have my attention/ interest in return they back off: and that is totally different because they really don't want me ( or anyone except 'fantasy woman' ) they just enjoy the challenge/ quest then move on to the next 'victim'
( and I use that word because that's how people mostly feel when they are engaged pointlessly for acting-out purposes )
Handling 'the switch' is more about being patient and enjoying that is it/ isn't it? time whilst you're still getting to know someone and they ( and you ) appear more and less desirable as you ( and they ) work through all the issues.
ANYWAY, I've been out with my new friend tonight and-
I think I told you all this a couple of years ago, but one of the horriblest things anyone ever did to me was play with my emotions when I was already very hurt.
This guy at church choir was always hanging around, looking at me, being kind. I pretty much ignored him for a few weeks, but he seemed so nice, and he wrote such interesting emails to me, and one evening he ran after me and then just stood there, tongue-tied, I thought he was just shy or something. I'd already thought there was a strange dynamic with this other woman mutual friend, she was so really nice with me except when he showed, when she seemed somehow jealous? so I asked about him but she told me they were just friends adn she was in marriage counselling to reconcile with her husband.
Well to cut a convoluted story even when shortened shorter- one evening he came running after me again as I was leaving, and asked me to go for a drink later. I accepted and was more than a little surprised when it came time to leave and mutual woman friend showed up too. This guy had written me a poem earlier that day, which ended 'trouble lies ahead- the good kind'. I should have taken the warning. I wasn't keen on going when I realised it was this weird threesome, but I was so mixed up right then and thought I must have misunderstood or she did or something.
We got drinks and sat down and chatted and the mutual friend woman was getting more and more agitated. By this time I knew something was really wrong but I didn't have my car- my instinct was telling me- go chat to someone else, get them to drop you back in town...get a cab...but suddenly I was rooted to the spot and he looked at me this real sly look and said, I have something to tell you: and passionately kissed this other woman!
It was like I was some kind of extra in their drama...
What reminded me was tonight with my new friend, we went to a concert, enjoyed it, then as we were leaving this beautiful young woman came over and started chatting to him and really making eyes at him. I was right there and she said 'did you come alone?' and then still ignored me when he introduced us!
You'd be proud of me though: I got this horrible sinking deja-vu for a minute and then thought, a la Judith Sills- 'back off'. I went outside to the foyer and chatted to several groups of total strangers, until he emerged, clearly looking for me and was so apologetic, he said 'I am so sory, I couldn't get away, I've never spoken more than 2 words to her before...'
I gave him a beaming smile and said 'if you want me to leave you two alone just say...' he said 'not at all' and we resumed the evening ( he said 'did you just go up and chat to total strangers in the foyer?'! And asked me if I've always been this brave. I said yes, I just didn't always know it! )
Today has been a beautiful day for me. I met this guy this morning, he and I connected so well. His ex and one of our friends were there, they were sort-of apologetic about his occasional reticence and surliness with strangers, but he and I had an instant connection and his ex said to me after: he must really like you.
I liked him too, but the encounter gave me the extra confidence to deal with that potential rejection thing tonight, and if my friend had showed any interest in the woman I would walk away head up high feeling like- best to know right now.
Hope all this makes sense, I don't have time to proof-read AND walk the dog!
