Hi
I'm new to this board but not new to the issue of narcissism.
I find it very difficult to end the current relationship I'm in because everytime we separate she ends up being so sorry, so sincere about changing and being emotionally available. Her promises seem so good, like what I've been hoping for for 4 years now, so I always give it another try, only to find that her emotional availability is fleeting. Whenever she feels that I'm back in her life, and apparently supplying her needs for love, she beings to withdraw again. I find it so hard to understand her withdrawl, so I begin to get "clingy", begging and pleading in a very unattractive way to try to get her to get in touch with the loving way that she promised she would be. But it's not to be. And the terrible thing is, the more I start to cry and get very depressed, the more she gets just downright nasty. Once I shared with her that I was so sad about the relationship that I felt like I might need to be hospitalized for depression. Well, she used that against me. In another desperate attempt to get her to care anything about my needs, I was crying and so upset. So she said, in a very singsong voice "SOOOOO, I guess now you're going to start WHINING AND CRYING AND SAYING TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!".
I guess my question is, what are others' experiences with N's hitting you when you're down?? Is this a common thing?? I can't believe how she says how much she loves me and then is SO CRUEL to me when I get in a bad place. It's like I'm not allowed to initiate anything. She has to initiate anything. It feels so controlling. When I state a need of mine she always says how it's all about me!! I can't say " I feel like being in a loving place with you" and that could actually happen! NO WAY!! She tells me all the time how she loves me, so 6 months ago, (that's how long ago since we've had sex) - I started to read the writing on the wall, and I said, "I'll make love with you if you're willing to say you love me, to have a heart to heart connection". She said, "no, i feel like you're controlling me!! I won't say it!!" It felt sooooooo horrible, to need to hear that she loved me after she said how much she did and then she refused to say it. Anything that I want just isn't happening. She's rather forego sex (and the sex was good) just to prove to me that I can't control her. Like saying "I love you" would be me winning control.........It's so absurd and crazy-making. Sometimes I really have felt like I'm going to lose my mind over all this. Because when I try to separate she gets soooo very apologetic. Is she just afraid she'll lose her supply???? It is so pathetic to have this constant see-saw.
I need to get out, but I'm afraid she'll talk me into going another round by assuring me how she understands her behavior and how THIS TIME she'll be different. I guess I don't know how to hold the line and say no. But I really feel like I need to.
I guess I felt like there was hope for our relationship, because there is no drug or alcohol problems, no dishonesty, no cheating, just this extreme interference from childhood wounds. Her withholding and withdrawing behaviors drive me crazy.
Does she sound like a N?
Zaro
