listing desired attributes in significant other

[WRITE]

this was something which came to my attention this week, in a book someone gave me called 'Are You the One for Me? Knowing who's right, avoiding who's wrong' by Barbara De Angelis.

She suggests making a comprehensive list of qualities you desire in a serious long-term partner.

So I did.

And the first thing that jumped out at me: there are a couple of issues on the list I wouldn't want in a partner I need to address myself!
So I started on that.

She said the list can be a powerful way of attracting people you want into your life, I thought it meant because you will be more selective and look for those attributes closer, but I can see more and more how addressing your own issues means deeper connections with other people who've worked through theirs.

[Healing&Hopeful]

I can see more and more how addressing your own issues means deeper connections with other people who've worked through theirs.

Hi Write

Wow, this is so impressive.... I think this too, it goes with "like attracts like", healthy attracts healthy and "love yourself before anyone else can love you".  I do think the latter sounds like an N statement, but I guess it's not as N's are just trying to inflate themselves and don't love themselves, so how can anyone else love them.

Take care

H&H xx

[Brigid]

Write,
I didn't read that book, but I definitely made that list prior to seriously entering the dating world again.  In addition to making that list, you need to determine the qualities which are desirable, but not mandatory, and those which are absolute deal-breakers.  And then, do not compromise.  If that deal-breaker becomes evident--walk away immediately and don't look back.  When I was younger and dating, I forgave and looked past so many behaviors that should have ended the relationship, but I was too desperate and clingy to be willing to do that.

And your right that by making that list, you determine those qualities in yourself which need work.  During therapy, I learned a lot about myself that contributed to the demise of my marriage and what I would need to do differently in the future.  As I have applied those changes in my new relationship, I have found that it has really worked and consequently we have virtually no conflict and are almost always completely happy together.

H&H,
You're correct that it all has to do with healthy attracts healthy and loving yourself before trying to love someone else.  N's don't love themselves at all--they actually loath themselves, but they hide that loathing under a cloak of self-importance, entitlement and all the other negative behaviors.

Brigid

[penelope]

so are you going to share your list, are you are you?

 

(don't say yes if you don't want to - practice your boundaries if necessary)

pb

[WRITE]

 

I just wrote this randomly ( in Chuck E Cheese if you must know! )

attracted to each other
takes care of self
clean(!)
motivated
creative
laughs a lot/playful
happy with self
no addictions
no abusive behaviours
appropriate other relationships
not a 'player'
conxixtent
honest/ has personal integrity
kind
strong faith or has examined faith/ accepts mine
has hobbies
can manage their life: work
                               finances
                               domestic arrangements
                               extended family relationships
unafraid of comitment and responsibility
responsible about sexual health
good communication: can talk and listen
prepared to address problems or important issues
unafraid of developing intimacy
nature-lover
musical
well-read
interesting
can respond to my little relationship desires: to be held
                                                             develop good sex together
                                                             sing and play and write togetehr
                                                             loves the dog!
                                                             affectionate
                                                             can set boundaries with my high energy & take care of himself & own needs within the relationship.

***

Did I miss any big issues? ( y'all know my 'blind spot' tendencies! )

[Certain Hope]

Gentle  (although I think that's implied in many of the other qualifications)  and Considerate (thoughtful) ?

Great list, Write! Are ya gonna draw a sketch of what Mr Wonderful might look like? 

Love,
Hope

[Brigid]

Because I was only willing to date men who had been married and had children--as I needed for him to understand the importance of my children in my life and the time that takes (even though they were older)--the number one thing on my list was that he had a good relationship with his children.  My b/f has four (also young adult) children who love and adore him.  All of our children are happy about our relationship, so I can comfortably move forward knowing that if we become a blended family, we have started out on the right foot.

Don't overlook the way he treats those who serve him--waitresses, etc., as this is a very good indicator of whether he is hiding anger under a charming facade.

I would agree with the rest of your list and maybe add stablility.  Since I am a bit older than you, the considerations of looming retirement, how you want to spend those years, has he made provisions for being able to live comfortably in the future, etc., also played into it for me. Kindness and consideration (going both ways, of course) can go a long way in forgiving the annoying little habits he may have, as well.

Hope--I just described my b/f as gentle to someone recently (although he is very much a GUY).  It is a wonderful attribute.

Best of luck in finding your perfect (or only slightly flawed  ) man, Write.

Brigid

[Certain Hope]

Brigid,

  Kindness and consideration (going both ways, of course) can go a long way in forgiving the annoying little habits he may have, as well.    

   Annoying little habits he may have??    hehe     Oh, you'd better believe he'll have some annoying ways.... and humor has been one of the best salves for those between my husband and me. Like when he stands in front of the open refrigerator, waiting for something to leap out into his hands....  I once balanced a bag of bbq'd chicken wings, just so, so that they'd fall out when he opened the door. He laughed so hard... got the point and peruses the contents much more quickly now.
Guess I'd better ask him what annoying habits of mine annoy him now. We've been married for 2 years 

He is very gentle tho, too. I have to tell ya... yesterday, I had just finished posting some examples of ambient/ gaslighting behavior and went up into the kitchen to greet him following his shower. I announced, well... your ribs are about done... and he said, oh good... I was expecting pork chops.      My head spun a 360 as I said, but you asked for ribs!!!  heh  He was a bit taken aback by my ferocious response, needless to say.  I told him about some of the tricks N used to play along those lines and he said, "But you know I'm not like that."  Yes, I do know. Thank God!

Love,
Hope 

[Brigid]

Hope,
Yeah, I noticed that I only ascribed annoying habits to him--but in all my perfection, I can't imagine what I would do to annoy him  .

Like when he stands in front of the open refrigerator, waiting for something to leap out into his hands....

I had to laugh at this--guilty as charged.  I've been known to do that, too, but haven't been called on it yet.  If only the food in there would do a dance in the dark and come up with a fabulous preparation and jump into my hungry, waiting arms when I opened the door, life could be so wonderful.

You are so right, that a good sense of humor goes a very long way in preventing those silly arguments from popping up.  It's very hard to be angry when you're laughing--I guess impossible would be a better word.

Cheers,
Brigid

[Hopalong]

 

I don't have the whole list yet, but I know the top five for Prince Sincere (I tossed Charming, he was Alarming):

honest
kind
intelligent
funny
behaves in a very undignified manner with dogs and small children

Siggghhhh, dreaming of him already...

Hops

[WRITE]

Thanks everyone.

It just struck me driving home, I missed out my most important relationship quality, the one which I define my best relationships with:

reciprocal.

The guy I've been seeing is very lovely but- he isn't reciprocal so far. He may just be backing off because I told him I need space to get divorced, or maybe it's too early to tell, but there isn't the ebb and flow of writing between us which typifies my other close relationships.

Right now that's good- because there's a tendency to lean on someone at this time and I certainly don't want to do that.
But down the road, it would be a problem.
And it's sort-of shutting me off a little now, I am thinking- it's his turn to write/ call...and he isn't. So neither am I.

It's strange because when we're together we can talk and laugh easily the whole night, the hours just fly and it feels really natural.

Oh well, there's a lesson in it all somewhere, even if I can't see it yet!

***

Last night I met someone else, in a group, a guy I've also known for a while, he was great fun to be with too, we had such a pleasant evening, we went off and talked for a couple of hours after the movie.

***

Today I've been for Indian food and to pick up new posters and furniture. I am going to clean the house and stay home tonight.

[WRITE]

ps couldn't find a sketch but what about

http://www.meredi.com/randpics/mr_right.jpg

 

[Certain Hope]

Oh, Write... he is simply magnificent!!   

Say, just thinking about guy #1, it might not hurt to redefine the terms of the "space" you requested?  His lack of reciprocation in writing/calling may be due to his attempt to honor that request. If you'd like to limit communication just for now to writing, that seems a reasonable request. Can sure learn alot  about someone who's a "pen pal" and it might be fun.  Just a thought.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

I really am not sure I know what's going on, I did ask him last Sunday to write to me more, he said I will and smiled, but hasn't so I guess he isn't going to right now.

Maybe I am still too insecure to do this is it/ isn't it thing with someone I really like? The guy I hung out with Friday made it clear he liked me but it's different because I didn't put any emotional investment in there already, & we're corresponding nicely back and forth!

I'm doing lunch with another friend today after church, he and I get on really well because it's not a romance at all!

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,
Sounds really healthy to me to be enjoying the company of different males now.
Much better than going straight to in-loveness.

RE-CI-PRO-CI-TY.

I think you're onto it. If he's not responding at equal or greater interest level, time for you to back waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off and be LESS interested, not asking for MORE attention.

You absolutely do not need to be in that vulnerable, hope-filled position, I think.

Protect yourself. Don't take it personally if he's not charging into something intense and committed...but DO TAKE MENTAL NOTES. (This is all from chewing, swallowing and digesting so many books about this...not from having done it right!)

--HE doesn't email? YOU don't email. Let a week go by, or more...just be BUSY BUSY BUSY.
--HE doesn't call? YOU don't call. etc etc
--HE doesn't make you a priority? YOU don't make him a priority. BUSY BUSY BUSY.

I really like it that you're open to spending time and getting to know several people in a light and present, be in this day and enjoy it, kind of way. Keep that up, dear.

You're hungry for a reciprocal joyful relationship after so long tending your Ex. Totally understandable.
Just hope you won't hop from the frying pan into the fire.

Sloooooooooooooooooooooooooowly.

love,
Hops