Hi H&H

, I’m okay, thank you. I hope you are too….?
Anansi,
I hope what I’m going to say isn’t ‘too much’. Your post got me thinking.
Thank you for participating in the "Why woman love oafs question." The "answer" (as heard on the radio) is because these guys can hold/contain what's thrown at them. These "unmovable" men don't react to a woman's projections. Their stubbornness serves as a kind of holding. If she were with a snag (sensitive new age guy), he may react with his feelings and things may get chaotic. Of course this "answer" is referring to dysfunctional relationships. Maybe the question – why women love oafs – kind of skews the answers? If the question was – why do they
stay with oafs – the answers may have been, they stay because they choose to, they get something from the relationship.
I felt ‘brought up short’ by the idea of dysfunctional relationships. In a way, these relationships – call them co-dependent or whatever – are they actually not functioning, or are they functioning in a way that meets the needs of those involved? We (those involved in the therapy/help movement) talk about dysfunctional as though there exists a perfect way to function, the perfect relationship (is this implied or am I seeing things wrongly?). The thing is, people aren’t perfect and relationships can help people balance out the excessive parts of themselves, or they can offer a way to get needs met (think of the relationships which operate on the basis of one partner being the ‘parent’ and the other the ‘child’). Because something is the way it is, is it wrong? I’m not sure any more.
Well, whaddaya think? It's a different perspective isn't it? I found this answer conflicting to me because it suggests to me to see something positive in my father's stone coldness towards my mother's paranoid hysterics. Well, people generally aren’t all bad or good, black or white? Perhaps there was something positive in that relationship. Perhaps your mother’s behaviour in some part
caused your father to become colder? I don’t know. I guess they both found a way of staying together. My mother and stepfather found a way of staying together and in retrospect, my stepfather’s cultish control-freakery, whilst it had a rotten effect on me, actually stopped my mother going off the rails. If she had of done, I don’t know what my life might have been like, possibly worse than it was (as she would have had custody of me). Can you imagine what your life may have been like if your parents had separated and you’d stayed with your mother? (Better, worse, different?)
I am currently struggling with this answer as I bear deep pain of his ice violence towards me. I’m sorry and sad that you are bearing that pain. The way I see families, children feel as though it was all one big relationship, all entwined together. I guess parents see it differently. There are several relationships and the one between the parents is really
nothing to do with the child. How the parents relate to each other pre-dates the child; the child is a pawn in the game if you like, but not the
cause of the game. How your father related to your mother is separate to his relationship with you; you are separate to ‘them’. I don’t know but I guess your father – and mother – didn’t see ‘you’ at all; I imagine they were too caught up in the game of their relationship, and you were in the crossfire, used and abused and not able to be a separate self. I’m projecting somewhat, this is my experience. Your bear the deep pain of his ice violence and that is awful. His ice violence served a purpose with your mother: unfortunately he did not
know you and gave you similar treatment. It’s sad that he didn’t know you, for it is plain to me that you are not like your mother. I imagine growing up in such a family caused you to become an exceptionally sensitive (in a good way) and empathic person – qualities which aren’t too valued in our societies but which some will value immensely. I value them immensely.
Gosh I don’t know what or why I decided to type all this. I guess it’s about me as much as about your words Anansi. I wish your pain to lessen.