So tired

[adrift]

Hi everyone,

   I've learned so much here, y'all are wonderful.   

   This morning I'm so tired, emotionally.  I'm so confused.  Nothing I do is right.  My DD1 obviously cares nothing for me and that hurts, but I'm learning to just accept it.  With DH (dear husband) barely a day goes by that I don't say or do something to tick him off.  I just bury my own needs and feelings in an attempt to keep him and DD1 happy, but in their eyes it's all my fault and I don't do anything to get a long. DH sees me as "inflexible" and impossible.  DH reads volumes into every word I say, usually coming up with something so remote from what I meant that I'm flabbergasted.  This then leads to a long argument/discussion in which either I totally play the "people pleaser" just so I can live in a semblance of happiness and peace or either I stand my ground and he stays distant until I totally give in and play the "people pleaser".   I don't know who I am anymore.  He'll probably find this on here and read it and then I won't even have this place to come to.  He's gone to other sites where I've bared my soul and printed off every post I made and saved them for possible future divorce proceedings.....he's probably found this place too.  I just want to  cry, but it won't do any good.  I want my older DD1 to love me, but she won't/can't.  At least my younger two kids love me. 

Sometimes I just feel I can't take another day.  DH always preaches "consistancey" to me------that if I would be consistantly happy and not get sad/mad/depressed then he would be able to meet my emotional needs,,,,,but he can't be there for me emotionally if I can't be consistant.  A consistant timeframe for him means "eternity".  I'm not hardly allowed to get in a tiff or anything because that ruins the consistancy. 

So this morning he offered to give me a backrub and I said (in a very light hearted manner) "No thanks, you give the worst back massages I've ever had" and then I snuggled up to him.  No response.  I carressed him,,,,no response. Finally it comes out that he won't make a physical advance on me because I've said he gives the "worst back rubs ever" so that must mean that his carressing is the worst too and that also means the sex is bad too and that if he were to carress me and I were to say it felt good, then how would he know I was telling the truth?????   When he is sore, I give him long (like an hour or more) body massages, but in all honesty he just doesn't have the knack for giving good massages.  He tries, but it's just not his thing.  So now I'm in trouble for my brutal, light hearted, honesty.  Which is what usually happens.  I say something and he takes it to the extreme. Actually, the only way to get a long with him is to monitor my every word and agree with whatever he says. See why I'm so lost and confused?? BTW, DD1 is much like him. 


Adrift

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Adrift)))))))))  I understand what you're saying so completely...

I've come to the conclusion that there are just some things it doesn't pay to express to certain people because doing so can leave you feeling emptier than when you stayed silent. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I am sure it'll pass. If I get a defensive reaction from my husband... like when he knows  (or suspects) that I'm not satisfied with something he's done, I think it's often based on frustration on his part. The whole business of men wanting to "fix" things, you know?  Also, I've found that some of the things I do when I'm just "trying to keep everyone else happy"... well, those things are not at all what they really want. Sometimes, all they really want is for ME to be happy, to "chill",  and then they'll feel the pressure is off of them and relax themselves. Hard to tell, though, what's going on sometimes. In cases like this, I recommend a strike. It won't hurt them a bit to fend for themselves while you take some time to rest and just allow your mind to settle. It's not true that nothing you do is right. You do all sorts of things right, Adrift. In fact, you probably are doing so many things right that folks have dumped a load of extra stuff on you cuz you do such a great job!  Please take a break. Do something you enjoy... music, a nap, a walk, bubblebath and candles... and just let the world make a few turns without you trying to hold it up. Your whole last paragraph sounds so familiar... a page out of my life. I need to let it settle into my brain and see what comes out... more later.

Much love,
Hope

P.S. on edit... Adrift, do you know how to delete history and temp internet files to remove your visits here from the computer? At least then you'd know you are safe here to be yourself and speak freely. I am so sorry .. your husband told you he's saving your past posts?? I don't know what to say about that    Defensiveness can run so deep... does he prepare in advance for the worst possible scenario with other things, as well?

Here's a short article that might be helpful... re: communication that gets "flooded" with negativity 
http://www.womentodaymagazine.com/relationships/flooded.html

[pennyplant]

Hi Adrift,

There's so much going on here.  It seems like who you are is getting lost.

A couple of things occur to me, but I don't know if they apply in your situation, of course.  I'll just throw them out there.  One thing is this:  A long time ago, my husband noticed with us that we seem to have ups and downs at the same time as each other.  When one of us is in despair about something, the other is also having a very hard time with something else completely unrelated, and so neither one of us can offer the kind of support the other needs.  It seems to be coincidental with us.  It's sad really when it happens.  Maybe he and I are more similar in spiritual makeup than we realized at first.  So, we can often understand each other but can't always be there for each other.

Another thing that occurs to me is that maybe you guys are smothering each other.  My husband and I have done that.  We met really young and became parents really young.  Never got to have that honeymoon period where you make eyes at each other and bond and the rest of the world falls away.  Always had all these heavy responsibilities.  So, time together was kind of rare and highly valued.  But it wasn't really healthy because what little time we had we devoted mostly to each other.  We didn't develop a self outside of the relationship.  We have defined ourselves in relation to each other.  Now we are gradually learning how to be individuals without feeling that our relationship is threatened at the same time.  But we have made each other feel claustrophobic at times.

Lastly, I'm concerned about DH not allowing you privacy with your message boards.  It could be related to the above.  It could be a red flag.  It could be fear on his part.  Fear that he is going to lose you and doesn't know why and is desperate for any information that will help him learn what is going on with you and the marriage.

There's just so much going on and it seems like Adrift is getting lost in all of it.

Since you both seem to be into computers, maybe something along the lines of what we did could be a starting point.  We began emailing each other a few years ago when my husband had to go overseas with the Navy Reserves for four months.  It was a lifeline for us during a very stressful time.  But we found that not being face to face was a good thing for expressing some of our hurts and fears and worries.  We have continued doing this, though now it is easier for us to discuss important feelings in person and sometimes the emails are just to keep each other posted on work schedules, etc.

It kind of worked for us the way this message board works for the members here.  You get time to think about what you really want to say and can make sure it comes out the way it should.  My husband was willing to reveal feelings in an email that he would have had trouble with in person.  I could say what I needed to say without resorting to tactics that would get a rise out of him in order to know that he heard me.  We both had trouble communicating and it helped with a lot of that stuff.  Now we do a lot better in person than we used to.  It's probably the main thing that got us started with really working on my emotional affairs.

Just an idea I had.  Only you know what would be good for you guys to try.  It does sound overwhelming and hopefully you can start with something small perhaps and work through it and feel less overwhelmed as a result.

Love, Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

No wonder you chose the name, Adrift.
(But you're free to change it you know...)

It's not "wisdom" but I don't think a person should live with constant criticism and hurt.
He sounds abusive, and you sound near the end of your rope.

I hope you can begin to think of alternatives.

I am sorry.
Hops

[Stormchild]

What Hops said.

It bears repeating.

He sounds very abusive.

((((((((((Adrift))))))))))

[Overcomer]

Adrift, your husband sounds like mine.  Is he a drinker?  Mine is much worse when he's had a few.  He can usually brush off what I say if he is sober.  I also recall posting a couple of years ago and my oldest daughter caught wind of this website......I felt like I had to guard my words, too.  Sometimes I am paranoid that nmom will find this and realize I am telling all of you all about what a horrible person she is.  And if your husband wants to use your words at your divorce proceedings, maybe you should beat him to the punch and file yourself!!!

A similar situation happened to me once......my husband said something like "you wanna do it?"  And I basically said "You are so romantic!  No I don't want to do it without a little romance........"  Cold shoulder.  I was the bad one.  I figured he was the bad one for being so insensitve and giving me a wham bam thank you maam option or nothing.

Adrift................hang in there and know you are not alone.  You cannot always be consistent......especially if you are a woman in your 40s......perimenopause and menopausal symptoms wreak havoc on consistency!!!  I guess he should be happy you are even kieled two weeks of the month!!!  If you have those kinds of hormonal probs.........

[Bones]

Hi everyone,

   I've learned so much here, y'all are wonderful.   

   This morning I'm so tired, emotionally.  I'm so confused.  Nothing I do is right.  My DD1 obviously cares nothing for me and that hurts, but I'm learning to just accept it.  With DH (dear husband) barely a day goes by that I don't say or do something to tick him off.  I just bury my own needs and feelings in an attempt to keep him and DD1 happy, but in their eyes it's all my fault and I don't do anything to get a long. DH sees me as "inflexible" and impossible.  DH reads volumes into every word I say, usually coming up with something so remote from what I meant that I'm flabbergasted.  This then leads to a long argument/discussion in which either I totally play the "people pleaser" just so I can live in a semblance of happiness and peace or either I stand my ground and he stays distant until I totally give in and play the "people pleaser".   I don't know who I am anymore.  He'll probably find this on here and read it and then I won't even have this place to come to.  He's gone to other sites where I've bared my soul and printed off every post I made and saved them for possible future divorce proceedings.....he's probably found this place too.  I just want to  cry, but it won't do any good.  I want my older DD1 to love me, but she won't/can't.  At least my younger two kids love me. 

Sometimes I just feel I can't take another day.  DH always preaches "consistancey" to me------that if I would be consistantly happy and not get sad/mad/depressed then he would be able to meet my emotional needs,,,,,but he can't be there for me emotionally if I can't be consistant.  A consistant timeframe for him means "eternity".  I'm not hardly allowed to get in a tiff or anything because that ruins the consistancy. 

So this morning he offered to give me a backrub and I said (in a very light hearted manner) "No thanks, you give the worst back massages I've ever had" and then I snuggled up to him.  No response.  I carressed him,,,,no response. Finally it comes out that he won't make a physical advance on me because I've said he gives the "worst back rubs ever" so that must mean that his carressing is the worst too and that also means the sex is bad too and that if he were to carress me and I were to say it felt good, then how would he know I was telling the truth?????   When he is sore, I give him long (like an hour or more) body massages, but in all honesty he just doesn't have the knack for giving good massages.  He tries, but it's just not his thing.  So now I'm in trouble for my brutal, light hearted, honesty.  Which is what usually happens.  I say something and he takes it to the extreme. Actually, the only way to get a long with him is to monitor my every word and agree with whatever he says. See why I'm so lost and confused?? BTW, DD1 is much like him. 


Adrift

Hi, Adrift.

Oy!!!!!  Sounds like both DD#1 and DH are both N's.  Sometimes the best thing one can do is to detach with love.  If he tries to control everyone else's happiness in order to be happy, then he will never be happy no matter what.  I can say volumes but right now I'm at work so I can't take a lot of time at the moment.

Bones

[Overcomer]

Don't know what DD1 and DH means...........I'm trying to follow this but I'm not sure who you are talking about.

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((adrift))))))))))))))))))))))))
I have to repeat what others have said. I don't think your husband should be "checking up one you" and generally invading your privacy. That isn't right at all. The best married couples need space. And we all need to gripe about one another once in a while! It shouldn't cause paranoia.
I'm sorry about your daughter. It sounds to me like she is copying dad's behaiors, if that is how he treats you.
How do you see your relationship with your husband?
Can you look into some couple counseling? Would it help with him or make him meaner?
My husband gives lame backrubs. He tires out after about two minutes. But he would never get mad at me for saying so.
Keep us posted.
Love, Beth

[Bones]

Don't know what DD1 and DH means...........I'm trying to follow this but I'm not sure who you are talking about.

Hi, Kelly.

I'll try to translate.

DD1 = Dear Daughter #1

DH = Dear Husband.

Hope that helps.

Bones

[WRITE]

He'll probably find this on here and read it and then I won't even have this place to come to.  He's gone to other sites where I've bared my soul and printed off every post I made and saved them for possible future divorce proceedings.....he's probably found this place too.

deleting temporary internet files and switching off the email option if someone pms you adds extra privacy, but if he's so obsessed maybe he should read what you write and get on with the divorce proceedings...

Privacy is a basic right and when someone trashes that boundary for no good reason ( and there are very few good reasons if you ask me ) it's time to draw a line.

For me that was first going away on a vacation alone; then I did therapy; then I asked him to leave; now- about 4 years from the solitary vacation which reminded me who I am- we are getting divorced together.

It's been a long and arduous trek sometimes- but nothing has been so difficult as treading on eggshells and being under constant criticism and watching my son develop similar behaviours.

Now I wouldn't care if my ex saw what I write- I never write anything that's unfair to him or untrue. But I remember the first time I called the therapist I was whispering and asked if I could pay cash!

The best thing about disentangling this whole mess has been the changes in my son- he's a bit upset again now we're finalising the marriage but he's so much more empathetic and willing to listen. I think he copied a lot of our behaviour- my emotional outbursts and refusing to tackle problems head-on, plus his father's anger and hostile attitude.

Start by doing something for yourself, little things to show yourself you are listening to these voices of pain and sadness and are going to take care of yourself.

if I would be consistantly happy and not get sad/mad/depressed then he would be able to meet my emotional needs,,,,,but he can't be there for me emotionally if I can't be consistant.

tell him ( even if it's only in your own head at first ) you are being consistent- consistently miserable.

If he's so wonderful he deserves to rush off and find someone more deserving who can hang on his every word.

I don't know who I am anymore.

start looking Adrift. I can't say it's all been easy but my life is so different now, I never thought it would be and I still have days of panic in case I have to go back ( I DON'T! )

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Plucky]

Hi Adrift,
this sounds exhausting and I can imagine you don't have the energy to even figure out what to do next.

All I can suggest, is to let go of the idea and the task that you can fix this, that you can unravel it,  solve it, make it all healthy and good.  It sounds much too convoluted for this, and that is not even something you could accomplish on your own.  I do not think you have anyone in your home to help you sort out, fix, or improve the relationships there.

Just look after yourself, make sure you eat, sleep, and relax.   Restore yourself and you wil start to see what to do about it.    Imagine that you are taking a test tomorrow and you have already studied.  All you have to do now, is to make sure you sare in good shape physically and mentally.

Ignore your H and D to the extent you can.  Visualise yourself as an appliance you are unplugging.  (I know it is not a good example.  I am not a writer.  Perhaps you can find a better one!  I know you cannot find a worse one.)

Try not to look for satisfaction of any kind from them.  If you need to be heard, come up here.  Good luck.
Plucky