Good to hear you, Spyralle...I'm really sorry you're feeling drowned in confusion.
Don't despair. In spite of the murk, you just keep swimming, there IS light to find. It's there. It's not magic, it's not luck, it's your true self and just because you've lost track of her doesn't mean she doesn't exist.
My theory is that you need a SEAL...a diver...a trustworthy swimmer to lift you up and help you get to the surface. But I think first, I believe (truly, I believe this for YOU, Spyralle) you need to go quite deep. I think it's where you answer is, and I know you can do it. I think I know who your diver could be.
It may sound unusual but it's not that unorthodox. I have done it, and I'm endlessly grateful. It has changed my inner life in ways that continue to unfold, and they always, always, bring light.
Sorry for all the drumroll, I'll get to it. You could consider, if you would, finding a fine psychologist who is professionally trained and certified in hypnotherapy. I have a hunch that your questions can be answered in some sessions with a skilled, compassionate guide, to go as deeply and as early as you need to go...where you can retrieve the whole, complete-in-herself, solid and unaltered little girl, where your self is intact and complete...where YOU began, going as far back as it takes, to encounter whenever you first..ever, no matter how briefly, experienced safety and your own wholeness. The integrity of your unfractured self.
You have to pass through pain before you reach her. But if you could trust me about this: it is not something to be afraid of, because you don't go through it alone, because in hypnotherapy while you pass through it what it feels like is more seeing it, but not fully re-experiencing it, because you are in a state of trust, with a safe and skilled guide right there by your side, someone who will not harm you or use you, and you are the entire time in an actual physical and mental state of deep relaxation. (It sounds so opposite to what you might think...and that is the amazing thing.) That's why I think doing this through hypnotherapy just might be right for you. Because you can do it safely, and finish each time rested, safe, deeply relaxed and refreshed. Not frightened.
I recommend it to you because it has been healing for me, in a very deep way. Life still has its hurts, but the self I encountered with my T's help was real and the love I found in greeting her was, I know, my core self.
It's an elaborate thought, toss it if it makes no sense to you, but I offer the idea in the hope that it might. I apologize if I've written this with some over-the-top intensity, but it just connected very deeply in my mind when I re-read your old posts, and then your new one.
Hops
